12 Things from Bev on Facebook

From Bev on Facebook: 12 Things (You Shouldn’t Really Tell People About Yourself).

1. What is your most obsessive thought?

So hard to pick just one. Seriously. I guess it would be the feeling of being oppressed and trapped by people and circumstances. I’ve often thought my life would be so much simpler if I could have a lobotomy and then just go along and do what everyone wants me to do without feeling I want to do anything my own way or have something of myself ever again.

2. Where is your favorite place in the world, and why?

Right where I am at this moment. Anything else is either a memory or hasn’t happened yet. I like to think of places I have been sometimes, wonderful things I have seen but my favourite place in the world is always right here and right now. From this moment in space and time everything is ahead of me and here I am right in the middle of the past and the future, in this moment, living it.

3. What’s the one thing your parents don’t understand about you?

I’m not as stupid as they think I am and yet I’m actually stupider in a way.

4. If you could relive a single day or moment, what would it be?

None, nothing. I don’t want to go back for anything. Though I would like eternal life so I don’t have to stop and leave the ride.

5. Under what circumstances have you been closest to death?

Three different times in my life when I came really close to suicide and madness. Once as a teenager, another time during my divorce and another time when things were very desperate and I was very trapped and alone.

6. What is the worst betrayal you have ever experienced?

I don’t know. I just don’t hang on to those things. There are people I wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole but I don’t remember why, just that they’ve burned every bridge and won’t be getting any leeway from me.

7. What is the most meaningful “I love you” someone has said to you, or that you have said to someone else?

I don’t say it and when I do it is hard to push the words out. I can tell my nephew I love him cause I’ve been saying it since he was a little boy. I couldn’t tell my Dad I love you before he died and I’m not sure if I really even regret that. Either way it’s done. I don’t think I really believe it any more when someone says it to me. The words just don’t seem to mean anything to people and they mean too much to me. But, in family it is there and has been tested enough over time that the words don’t really need to be spoken. I know we love each other even if we hate each other for a short while.

8. What was the single most terrifying moment of your life?

Going through a divorce, very alone and being trapped by circumstances. Having a day when I realized how thin and flimsy it was to go from sane to madness and knowing I was there but for the leap. It was terrifying to know I could lose myself, the only thing I really ever had to count on.

9. If you have experienced a moment of sudden faith or loss of faith, what prompted it?

Having your best friend, husband and the man who said he loves you turn around and start mentally abusing you is a pretty nasty moment of having your faith crushed.

10. If you could take back one thing you have done, what would it be?

I’d take back eating all these Valentines chocolates I bought on sale today.

11. What is your greatest talent or accomplishment?

Art whether its photos, crochet embrodiery, sewing, ASCII art, drawing, writing or anything else I have tried, I am who I am because creating makes me feel I’m more than just who I am. I feel I have accomplished something, talent or no.

12. What is the most joyful moment you have experienced?

Thinking I was really in love and loved in return. I saw the whole world in brighter colours and everything looked so much better for awhile. I finally understood what romance and love were about.