During the God Talks

Yesterday, being Monday, I had the meeting with the Jehovah’s Witness lady. We get along well and chat about all kinds of things before we even crack the books for Bible study. It has been interesting talking to her the past few months. I’ve learned things about her beliefs and she has learned about mine. Neither of us has been converting the other, it’s all no pressure, just interesting.

Yesterday though, a topic occured to me which is still a little on my mind. God destroyed cities in his name, in order to get rid of people who were worshipping the wrong god(s), people who were corrupt, etc. So began the first holy wars. Now, seeing as God is supposedly able to know all and forsee all and meanwhile be full of love for mankind and the world/ planet. Why would he begin such a reign of terror and destruction? If he could see people continuing his holy wars in the way they have gone on, why would he start such a thing?

Did God make a mistake? Was God being greedy or intolerant and did he knowingly pass this way of handling things along to be continued by people in his name? How can I believe in a loving God if he would knowingly set this precident of death and destruction to any and all non-believers?

I don’t believe in devils, satan or hell for the very reason that any one/ force/ creature that preaches love can’t also hold hell over my head and expect me to believe they are loving, fair and caring, etc too.

It will be interesting to see what she has to say next week. I know she won’t have much time to look into it and I’m certainly not grilling her or testing her at all. We’re just discussing ideas and spirituality.

I admit I’m thinking of all the ‘witches’ tortured and murdered in the name of God. I’ve always thought those men who did these awful things were abusing their beliefs and taking in on themselves to pass out God’s judgement. What if they aren’t? What if all those so called fanatics were in fact, continuing on, just as God did himself? What if by showing people how to destroy non-believers he was also showing them how he wanted non-believers to be treated? What if God condones religious war and is actually not all that loving, tolerant or fair after all?

WordPress Sucks Spam

Recently I reinstalled WordPress on my domain. I even got the import feature to work and bring over all my posts from Blogger. But, I am, right at this moment, deleting WordPress (again).

I have a few blogs and none get spammed the way WordPress does. You don’t have to keep it active or even login at all. WordPress is a spam magnet.

I don’t know if I will reinstall it.

More general news to come. I don’t want to write about the apartment, job hunting, family, dating – that leaves so little.

It’s a Rainy Day Today

Today it’s raining. I can see the wet pine trees outside my window. The birds are out catching easy worms and having bird showers.

These days people seem to have reversed their attitude about children. Now it seems children should be seen, heard and endured. Children should be left to run wild, without rules or any respect for other people or things. My sister has three children and I have none. I really wanted children, a husband, a place of our own but that isn’t how things worked out for me. She has those things and they aren’t valuable to her, not as much as her business/ career and having money.

She was here yesterday with her second husband and the offspring. It was a zoo. I’m not even going to type out all the details. She left us with a screen door to repair. At least the little girls got to play outside with other kids. They don’t get out with other kids usually.

Graham is having a thing cause I’m not ready to move into the apartment. I don’t know how I’m supposed to move in there as it is. I guess I am though. Family can be a blessing and a curse. Mine have a habit of making decisions for me and then making me feel everthing is my fault.

This is moody, gloomy blog post. I’m tired of writing it even.

I’m still looking forward to having my own place downtown. If I can get some kind of job I will be able to do a little decorating here and there. Some little curtains for the basement windows. A new computer desk/ cart which will take up less space than the table I’m using now. Lots of things to look forward to if it all works out.

I am still tired. Having Zack here means I am getting a lot less sleep. He does fine. He goes to bed by 9:00 or 9:30 and gets up about 6:00 (5:30 this morning). I get up when he does, he gets me up. But I go to bed about 1:00 or later. Just trying to get things done, some writing. The writing isn’t going terribly well as I have too many things crowding around in my mind. Still, when I’m not here I know I will be missing Zack. So it’s worth a little exhaustion to spend time with him now.

The Fixer Upper

Do you ever run (or back away quickly) from people who are too normal, too good for you? I do. I feel unworthy of someone I’d actually like to date or get to know. I seem to let myself meet the less than normal, the people who need help and fixing, they seem to be ok for me to get to know. Maybe I think they will think I’m better than they are cause I don’t have quite so many problems or need less fixing than they do. Maybe I just don’t want to aim higher and be told how damaged and unfixable I am.

I had a reply from a guy to my Craigslist ad this morning. He could have written more about himself, more than his height, weight, eye colour and hair colour. Why does that begin to sound like a recipe after awhile? I would have emailed back if he had written about who he is. But, at the end of his two sentence reply he offered to meet for drinks and gave his phone number. A little thing. So why did I get that quick shot of fear, the instinct to back away quickly? It was just too normal I think. How can I compete with that? How can I even think of doing something like that? Just considering what I would wear, how I would haul my butt onto a bar stool, gives me a sinking feeling. So, although I kept his note, I don’t think much will come of it.

Interesting though, to realize I do seem to end up dating or being with people who need fixing and I tend to back away from anyone who is normal, or at least not in need of repairs.

Suddenly Naked

My white gold sleeper earrings just broke. I’m moderately peeved. I’ve worn them constantly for about three years. They were almost trouble free. Till one snagged my comb after a late night shower, a few minutes ago. It didn’t even break right then. Just came open. It was while I was in the bathroom trying to push the ends back together that one end snapped off. Now I have naked ears. It feels so strange.

Grrls Night Inn

It’s Sunday evening. Nearly 11:00 PM. Just thought you might like that little update. Was that excitement, or what?

Zack is here, hopefully sleeping by now. He was charged up tonight. Maybe it was knowing he won’t be with his family and Mom is leaving tomorrow night. I remember how I felt when I was in that situation, ages ago, when I was a kid being sent to live with my Grandmother for awhile. It was a sick, desperate feeling. But, Zack does like his Grandmother, I didn’t really like my Grandmother. Maybe she aspired to be queen of tough love. It didn’t work for me.

Anyway, not a lot going on. I miss John so much I have shed a tear over the whole thing. I’ve never yet met him face to face so I always feel kind of silly about feeling attached to him and missing him. So, today I made another post to Craigslist. So far all the replies are from men who are not my age, not single or not caucasion which were my three MUSTs. Are men just blind, stupid or THAT desperate? Do they hunger for rejection or do they just think I will go for whatever I can get, as if I’m that desperate. I have no answers and the ones I do have I don’t really want to know. Does it matter? In the end I only want one fish out of that tank/ ocean/ gene pool. I’m not greedy, one decent, intelligent guy who worships the ground I walk upon, will do.

Just kidding. Not about the worship part though. Get real, a grrl has to have some fun.