The Alien at 50

In our culture it is very alienating to be 50. That age where it hits you that you may not even be middle aged now. Being young, from childhood to somewhere in the 30’s was such a different perspective. I didn’t see it then but I can see it now. Being in my 40’s was (so far) the best time of life for me. I felt ok and even good sometimes. I felt I was ok with myself.

Then, among the years I should have been 40-something, 50 hit me. It came down hard and clouded everything. Even when I could have been happy being 40-something that 50 hung over me, hovering like my personal rain cloud of doom.

In younger years I had read about actresses and such who said there were no roles for older women. I thought little of it. I could see older women in TV shows, movies, commercials, etc. Likely they were in theatre too if I cared to look.

But, the actresses said it wrong. It’s not that there aren’t roles for older women. It’s that there are so MANY roles for younger women, younger people.

Our culture is based on youth. Not just being young and looking it, but the parts of life which come in those younger years (traditionally): going to school, dating, marrying and having children. When I watch anything on TV now I am swarmed with the feeling of how much I don’t belong. How far I am past those parts of life. I don’t want to go back. I just want to be ok with where I am. But, it’s hard.

It’s hard to feel ok with being older when it seems we don’t exist, are expected to keep to ourselves and not be seen or heard. Unless it’s something to do with spending money like buying insurance, buying sedate vacations, buying pee pads (not for your period, whether you still get it or not).

I feel alienated in my own world. I don’t see where I fit in. I can talk to the younger generations. I don’t know their particulars any more: the music, the actors, etc. But, those are just entertainment. I know about life, having come through those younger years. But all my experience and knowledge is tainted by how younger people see me. I’m old. I don’t know the entertainment stuff so I’m relegated to being outdated, out of place and I don’t really understand how things are today.

Odd, but things aren’t all that different. People are born, go to school, try to get along in the world, get married, have babies (or not) and then…. it’s the long stretch of being there, but not getting in the way, until you’re finally as old as you feel.

I don’t feel old. I feel like me. I feel almost the same as I did when I was twenty. But, those are memories and I know that. No wonder we tend to look at the past more as we fall into the future where we don’t fit in and don’t have a place. In the past we had a place and the world was about us.

Now I’m an alien. Just because I’m 50.

If it weren’t for the perception of others (and my own awareness of time limits) I could believe I’m twenty. Young people expect being older to feel so different. It’s not. It’s almost exactly the same as feeling twenty. But, I look at those who are twenty and I can see a difference then. There is a shiny new-ness, an extra bounce and they’re just a bit quicker to laugh.

So maybe we do become an alien as we get older. Where is the mothership then? I’d like to find the other aliens and feel I belong again. I don’t like this feeling of being isolated among all the people I see every day.

The other thing I don’t like to think about is to look past myself and see those older than I am. Right now I may not feel I belong and I may feel like an alien… they look more alien. I worry about how I will still feel like myself when I start to look even less like myself and more alien to who I think I am.

Where is that mothership…?

You've Been Meme'd

Fragile Heart passed this along.

1. List these rules on your blog.
2. Share 7 facts about yourself on your blog.
3. Tag 7 people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blogs.

7 Facts…

I was an illegal alien.

I can touch type really well now, I failed miserably at Typing in High School.

If I won the lottery I’d use most of it for travel.

I actually like those new vanilla, orange and etc toothpastes.

I love to sing when I’m alone.

My husband (when we were still married) used to call me Dark Side, the Evil One and I liked it.

I don’t like going to bed. Sleeping is such a waste of so much time.

Passing this along to…

Amber, Mike, Robin, Valerie, Leigh, Winona, and Bettle.

The Monster in my Eye

New tagline for this blog… “Exploring myself, one rock at a time.”

So, how are the rocks in your head today? Mine are clunking around up there. I think I almost was asked out today at work. I’ve never had a guy actually pursue me. It would be nice. Seems I am usually the one who starts things, arranges get togethers and such. It’s not the same as having someone else do the work, the planning and the asking. It would be nice to be pursued. I’m not going to hold my breath. I will hold my breath many years from now, when it won’t matter any more as far as having oxygen in my brain. Maybe, it will work, I’ll finally get all those things I wasn’t going to hold my breath for. That would be an interesting time in my life, if I could live to see it.

Can your eyeballs still function on some level once you are brain dead? There’s a new horror movie in the making.

The best ideas for horror come from every day real things. We take so much for granted. Yes, the bus doors will open – the bus driver isn’t about to fly off the handle and haul everyone around all day against their will. Yes, the coffee you make that morning is about the same as the coffee you made yesterday morning – there wasn’t a stow away venomous spider hiding in the coffee beans. Yes, your eyeballs are still your same old eyeballs – an alien didn’t drop down into your room last night and replace them with marbles or some other weird alien eyeballs. Horror and science fiction can just have so many endless spins put on a simple idea.

Day off tomorrow! Ha ha ha!!! and more mad scientist evile laughter Can’t decide if I should sleep in first or go grocery shopping. Oh, the excitement!…

I did my laundry yesterday so I spoiled that part of my weekend of fun. Too bad. I will just have to get over it.

Next weekend is a pay cheque weekend. I may actually do something that involves wearing laundry (clean) and spending money on something less than practical. I could even go all out and give that guy at work my email address and the mention of going for a Rrrroll up the Rrrrim (coffee at Tim Hortons). See how that happens, the not being pursued thing? Is it because I’m just not patient? Perhaps. I do like to get started once I decide on something.

One last bit of babble.. I think the coffee I bought from Second Cup a couple of weeks ago is NOT french vanilla. It does not taste right at all. I had the caramel first so didn’t start what should have been french vanilla until today. I don’t like whatever it is I have instead of french vanilla. I think it might be one of those with a nut flavour. Now I have two bags of it, whatever it is. Kind of aggravating when it was not cheap AND the guy at the store made some major goof up and sold me twice the amount of coffee I asked for. I really doubt they would go for letting me return it for real french vanilla now. Look, there’s another idea for a horror story. I’m just full of them today. Rocks and monsters, that’s what I’ve got in my head.

Driving Road Test

Does anyone know much about the G2 driving test? I have to schedule it. I had my full license from the US when I was married and living there. When I came back to Ontario they took it away and just gave me the beginner license. Peeved me off cause I have to pay for another license and take yet another test. Highway driving on the massive highway, not just the two laner which I can do without a problem. I have avoided the huge highways cause I don’t speed and on those everyone drives like they are rushing to the hospital to give birth to an alien creature.

Wish me luck.

Chicken Dressed as Mutton

I know I’m not really human now. If I were human, rather than alien or robot or… something, I would be bursting open at the seams by now. I was really hungry, I’ve been trying to not eat much for a couple of weeks. But today I ordered pizza. I ate it too. I don’t know how that much pizza is inside of me and yet I don’t feel disgustingly full and bloated. I feel fine. I don’t feel hungry, that’s a nice change. But, no mortal should eat that much pizza and not explode. Just call me Pizza Grrl.

I put chicken on it. I’ve never liked pepperoni really. The chicken was good. Maybe that’s why I’m not feeling stuffed. The chicken was lighter than pepperoni which does not come from a bird creature. Therefor it can not fly. Chickens don’t really fly much but the option is there. I’m sure it all makes sense somehow. After all, I can’t really be an alien. I still have all that old paperwork from the US immigration, I think. Besides, I was born here. My Mother said so. So I shouldn’t be an alien as long as I’m still in Canada.

Maybe I should update my passport just to be on the safe side. In case someone realizes I’m an alien and tries to deport me. Where do aliens get deported if they were never from the planet to begin with?

There’s a question for the day. I’m not all that keen on any of the other planets and the moon is just too chilly looking. I’d like something with a little beach, water and maybe a forest off in the moutain area. Of course, I want something with a good Internet connection too. I’m sure someone will work it all out. Last slice of pizza to whoever comes up with a good plan for cosmic alien deportation!