One Hand Clapping

Is the sound of your own voice like one hand clapping?

I am still trying to figure out this business thing. Ideally I would be running my own publication, on the web. With perhaps another writer or someone to get advertisting would be even better. I like to do promotions, not so much going out there and grabbing clients. Promotions can be a more distant thing. Putting up ads, writing emails and so on. But, anything like cold calls leaves me cold. I can make myself do it.

Anyway, I think everything I do is like talking to myself, just listening to the sound of my own voice, one hand clapping. I feel I am missing the big picture, the boat, somewhere. Maybe it’s just that I am pushing myself to find the answer instead of just having it surprise me when I least suspect it. So often when we push ourselves our brain rebels and we get nowhere.

Maybe the best answer is to take the option of going back to school. But, it may not work out for practical reasons like money (not paying for the courses but for every day expenses) and the fact that really… how long can you count on a 13 year old car to make a half hour drive there and back each weekday?

Scary… scary… scary…. but thus is life.

I'm… Up to No Good

I like this one but I think the pointy bits would catch on my sweaters. I am the ultimate sweater grrl. It really bugs me when my sweaters get a pull in them from something. I’m not the ultimate knitter grrl that I can just fix them.

I have committment on the brain tonight. Would you want a second wedding, the second time around? Or, would you just want to sign it and get it over with so you can skip to the honeymoon?

Choices from one of the Quizes

What trait do you find most attractive in a lover?

* A caring heart
* A devotion to harmony
* A quiet vulnerability
* A fearless heart
* A never ending sense of adventure
* A poetic soul
* A calculating seduction style
* A radical sense of life
* A dramatic sense of superiority
* A superb ability to be flexible
* A fiery passion
* A spirit of compassion

Which would you pick? I chose ‘A never ending sense of adventure’. But ‘A superb ability to be flexible’ would be on the same level. You can have too much adventure eventally and just want someone you can bend to your will… ummm I mean, someone who will adapt to what your needs are at the moment.

Also, ‘A calculating seduction style’ has now taken over part of my brain. Likely I will be stuck with that phrase awhile. Just thinking of all the possible calculated seductions.

Trickery: Another Oldie Post

The Trickery that is Me
Sunday January 06, 2002

I’d like to virtually dissect my brain and find out what’s in there. I’d sort it all out into neat compartments and then carefully put it all back together without juggling it all up again.

I want to write about being a publisher online but I can’t find a beginning or an ending. Its such a long winding path to where I am and its hardly over yet. When I just wanted to be a writer and wasn’t doing much about it I always had that problem. The writing I most want to do is a personal column about life and people, the sort of stuff you would find in Family Circle, Victoria Magazine, or Canadian Living. The problem is that my story is never finished. They kind of expect you to have a happy ending tacked on at the end. at the very least some kind of good conclusion and a resolution to the conflict. Well, I’ve never gotten to that part yet. So how do you write a story about something when it has no ending?

So I’m not writing. Can’t you tell how I’m not writing? Look, its right here in front of you. Plain as black and white and red all over I’m not writing.

Its all a trick you see. The best trick I’ve ever pulled on myself. I’m not writing and yet the words are appearing mystically on the screen and my fingers are tapping away at the keyboard. The thoughts are circling like baby vultures in my mind.

The other great trick I pull on myself is self confidence. I have none you see. But I pretend I do and oddly enough it works. People I knew in high school wonder how I changed so much when I barely dared to breathe in high school. They think I’ve changed but I haven’t changed at all, its all an act, the best trick in my bag of tricks.

This whole not writing thing is just a new trick. I’m not good at it yet that’s why you’re stuck reading all this dribble out of the corner of my brain.

You know, we were driving along on Saturday, my husband and his Mother chatting away, they didn’t need me. I was thinking about that woman I always want to be but can’t quite catch. I’m sure she is there, in my brain somewhere. I was thinking that its time I stopped trying to catch up with her and just met her half way. Surprised me a little when she agreed. So, if I have any highly breakable New Years resolution that’s it. I’m going to meet her half way and finally give her a chance to pull us both out of the quagmire and get on with all the things we know she can do.

Did you know she opened HerCorner finally? Yes, I know it was me, I’m not developing a split personality. Though I have thought about how much simpler it would make things. I’ve also considered a lobotomy. But, I seem to conclude that you just have to learn to live with yourself. Trickery works much better, its all a matter of learning the tricks.

I can write a sensible article about HerCorner and publishing later. I’ve really given you the nitty gritty already. Its all here amid the trickery that is me.

I Need a Second Brain

Don’t you wish you had a second brain? One which thinks completely different, or at least different, from yourself. One that could always give you that second opinion. One that could tell you what someone else really means and what they will think of you and what you’ve said/ written.

It’s so unfair that women in the trendy movies always have a gay male friend to be a second brain, to interpret the dating male for them. I don’t even have an ex husband to talk to about these things. Not that an ex is a reliable source, but he does have a brain.

Last night I put up a personal ad on the Toronto Craigslist. I think it was a pretty good blab about me. I included the picture which is on my website.

Large and Lovely North of the City

I like being upfront, it just makes things easier. I am BBW, 41, Sagittarius, divorced, no kids and I live in a small town somewhat between Barrie and Newmarket. I have a home business which is just starting out. I’m a freelance writer, getting into web design, still working on CSS. I have a lot of interests: digital art, web design, reading (sci fi, mysteries and non-fiction), road trips (ever drive to Kincardine and the beaches along there?), urban exploration, sewing and thrift store browsing. I am always learning something new and I enjoy being creative.

I would like to meet a guy around my age, single, with a lot of interests of his own. I don’t understand how some people list their interests as TV, reading and movies. Those are fine but is that all? Intelligence, sense of humour and an easy going nice guy – those are important qualities. I’m not especially concerned with how someone looks, if small children don’t run screaming… likely I won’t either. I’d rather find someone who I enjoy spending time with than someone I can enjoy looking at. Actually, I find one follows the other, if I enjoy the person I’m with they just become more appealing, more touchable and desirable.

I don’t have a huge amount of baggage but I’m not a witless blow up doll either. No one lives 40 years without a few glitches and issues. My ex husband was agoraphobic so I’d prefer a guy who doesn’t have quite that many issues. He’s doing much better in his life now but decided he didn’t want to stay married. That was a few years ago, it’s not like I’m still planning the best methods to dispose of his body.

A twisted sense of humour is a plus, satire preferred over sarcasm. I’m one of those nice girls and I don’t like hearing people belittle each other. An open mind is also a good thing. Pettiness really bugs me. I’m not perfect but I am pretty darn nice overall. In my family I’m still known as the “nice sister”.

Well, that’s enough blabbing. Happy 2006!


So far I had a few useless replies and one which really was interesting. So, for one it was worth it.

The funny thing is how many married men replied telling me how they’d like to have sex with me. Is half the male population brain dead? What does the word single mean to them? Not what it means to me I guess.


Anyway, I would still like a second brain. I wrote a reply back to the interesting guy. But, I think I said too much. I do tend to type as I think and I can type pretty fast to keep up with my brain. Before I knew it I had written a short story, I think I surpassed the 1000 word mark. Likely the poor guy thinks I’m one of those women who never shut up. Which is funny cause Todd (the ex) said I didn’t talk enough.

So, here we are, still…

If blow up dolls had a brain, would they get up and leave or just wait till he was finished and then walk off with his wallet and ID so they could start a real life of their own?

Sometimes I think about these things. is Cracking Under Pressure

I thought I’d have everything sorted out, organized and ready for a massive update today. But no.

Do you ever wish you could delete everything and start fresh? Like playing Carmageddon, my favourite car racing/ demolition/ dog and cow killing game. In Carmageddon you just hit the Insert button on your keyboard and your car is magically transported back into the upright position. Of course, it’s still dented, spewing engine oil and dripping with entrails… but, it’s not flying out of control, through the air to land on something hard and crash and burn you into oblivion.

I would like a magical Insert button for But, no. I will just have to figure it all out with the brain cells I have left.

But first, I’m getting out of the house. I’ve been caged up for at least three days now. Cabin fever is making me do odd things and have strange thoughts about… well I won’t tell you lest those white vans pull into the driveway again. I do not like their fashion style at all. How’s a grrl it itch her nose in that jacket?