I finally moved mostly everything I own into this basement apartment. Still a lot to organize but I’ve been procrastinating. Partly due to a lack of drawers to put things away into. Partly cause I don’t feel like this is home. Today I had a wood louse on my floor. Those are bugs that look like pill bugs but can’t actually roll up into a pill. They like damp, dark places and wood to nibble on. I don’t have a lot of rotting wood but it is dark and a touch dampish. I have a space heater and I have a water sucker thing (humidifier is not the right word for it – I think it’s the water mister thing).
I am looking for work, not as hard as I could be, but looking. I applied at a few places, some of them online writing jobs which may not pay very much. I’m not sure yet.
I have a stockade of tomato soup that I’m sure someone, somewhere would be jealous of. Luckily, I like tomato soup now, I haven’t always. I also have really nice salsa but I have to nibble at it carefully cause the raw onions make me sick. Tomorrow I need to buy more coffee and some other groceries. Woman can not live on tomato soup and salsa alone.
My Christmas tree is sitting in it’s original ‘White Rose Santa’s Choice’ box. I am not putting up anything Christmas until at least December, officially the day after today. I might wait till closer to my birthday, if not that day itself. I’m going to have a kind of stingy birthday this year. In the past I have treated myself well on some occasions: twice I stayed at a hotel downtown overnight and ate out somewhere deluxe, blew money on books and other trinkets I could have done without. A couple of times I bought a Greyhound bus ticket and road (bus) tripped my way across Canada, staying at the Youth Hostels. This time I will settle for something less travelicious. Maybe dinner out with a good book.
I am caving on the whole idea of meeting anyone, penis included. What is wrong with men in their 40’s anyway? It seems like the decade of the shallow, selfish perverts. I’m sure they can’t all be that way. At least that’s my theory and I do have one or two test specimens to prove it. Of course, I haven’t met them in the flesh, face to face. Maybe all those other guys seem normal from a safe distance too.
It’s beginning to tick me off, just beginning and mildly, that John has not replied to any of my emails. Last time I heard from him was in July. I have tried to put him out of my limited brain space. It’s not working. All I have to do is read his last email and all my questions come forth again. He seemed so sincere and not that standard guy I keep meeting. He seemed to really want to meet ME. The me that I am not the me that I try to become for those sap suckers. It’s frustrating to find someone who seems almost too good to be true and then find out he never really existed or just vanished into some time warp or was sucked up by aliens, or something.
Don’t think I’m all doom and gloomy. I’m doing ok. I felt yucky today and went back to bed. How many people can do that? It was nice. I woke up feeling much better and with a plan of action about the job searching thing. We’ll see how that latest one goes over. I emailed it away a few hours ago. Then I wasted time playing Neopets and watching people shoot each other on TV. Now it’s late enough to go to bed but I feel that would be a bit too much slacking off after I got up late and had a nap. So I’m writing a bit of this and that. It’s too early to get out there for the bus. I may hop out if I stay up till 5:30 or so. Places open for breakfast at 6:00 you know. It’s always fun to be up early, before the sun and pretend civilization has crashed and I’m scurrying among the survivors. Ok, maybe that’s just me.
I am making some progress with the apartment. I put together the bookshelves by myself and they are still standing, fully loaded with books even. I’m impressed.
I had one first date so far. It didn’t go anywhere and I never heard from him again. I’m so good at that! It’s not a bad skill to have. If you’re never going to see them again you may as well never hear from them again either. I did not hide the body! I know what certain of you will be thinking… Happy.
I began plotting a story. Maybe it will be the one that makes it into book length. I could at least work on being a one hit wonder. Why put on the pressure to be some world famous book writer with thirty of them published before I die? Far too much pressure. If you settle for being a one hit wonder you get that book out there plus you have the aura of mystery and you can be on some blog post about ‘Whatever happened to…’ That’s got to be worth something.
Back in the basement today. I brought my Christmas tree and as many decorations as I could find with me. So much to put away still and now more here. I really need some kind of drawers set up. I have a net basket thing but it wouldn’t have fit in the car along with everything else this time. I may see what I can find at a store down here. Just a pain to haul it back here on the bus, do-able but not light and easy.
I took a bag of books to the second hand bookstore in Newmarket. Another bag to Zack, he seems to be already enjoying the first one he picked to read. It’s a huge hardcover with Scandinavian folk tales. (He says to call them folk tales, not fairy tales).
The upstairs people are about to be given notice to leave. The rent has not been paid in a few months and they are now complaining to Graham that the floors and other repairs are not done to their satisfaction. Kind of bold considering they haven’t paid rent in a long time and are never on time when they do pay. Graham says he would have listed the house for sale if I hadn’t moved down here. He hopes I will get out there and do something with more than a cashier job and lose weight, get hooked up with some guy. Funny how that is still the answer for women. Do families tell single men to get hooked up with some woman or do they focus on other things? Maybe it is kind of the same. Family want to have more family.
Not sure what the plans are for the next few days. I hope to talk to Tim from BlogTO. I also need to get something going with a job. Not that I’m all keen on being on cash again for Christmas. Maybe it won’t be so bad now that I’ve had some time away from it. I was really burnt out at the end of doing it steady for two years. Too many hours for part time and not enough money to make up for the nagging about selling credit cards. I’d like to get out to another second hand bookstore out here. I want to find the next book in the series I’ve been reading by Kelley Armstrong.
We will see how things come along. Maybe tomorrow I will make plans and find my way out from among all these piles and boxes and bags of stuff. If I’m lucky I will find a Goodwill nearby and turn up some kind of drawers type thing I can bring back here. Definitely needs to be a light weight.
This is the story I wrote yesterday. It started from a post I read on Craiglist, in the Missed Connections section. The rest was likely influenced by a certain person I haven’t heard from since July.
He was on the train again. The guy with a shaved head, charcoal grey suit this time and a red silky looking scarf. No hat, he never wore a hat no matter how much it snowed or rained. I always watched him, shy, from my seat. Sometimes he noticed me, sometimes he didn’t.
I hadn’t seen him this past week. One whole week of commuting without seeing him. I had nearly cried on Friday night, thinking he must have moved or changed jobs and I would never have the chance to meet him now. I regretted not doing something, even something really dumb.
But, there he was back again. Same shaved head, same suit and that same smiley face. He was just one of those people who seemed to smile easily. Sometimes he had conversations with the people around his seat. He laughed easily too and it was a laugh that made me smile, even on the hardest days when I felt worn down to a stub of myself.
I had to meet him tonight, finally. I couldn’t let another day pass by. Maybe he had moved and today was one last trip on the old commuter train. My palms were slick and my stomach in knots but I just had to do something this time.
I knew I looked ok, not one of my better days for looks but it wasn’t too bad. Hopefully I didn’t get too wind blown while I was waiting at my stop for the train. I couldn’t quite dare reach up to pat my hair, he might look over at just that moment.
Before I could think about what I was doing I made my legs stand up. I shuffled my purse and laptop over my shoulder and made myself take that first step. I was committed then and couldn’t go back. Besides, some jerk stole my seat before I had even gotten into the aisle.
He looked up and watched me coming along the aisle. He smiled and I smiled back. I hoped my teeth didn’t have any leftover lunch and then I just hoped my voice wouldn’t come out in a squeak or not at all. “Hi”, brilliant, I thought. All these months and I couldn’t do better than a Hi.
“Hi,” He answered, “Was it too cold there by the door?”
“No…” I couldn’t think of a thing to say, rot my brain.
“It’s always colder by the door. John gets off at the next station you could sit in his place then.” He gave a nod to one of the men sitting across from him. They’d been talking awhile, I’d been listening but really only hearing one of them.
“Sure, that would be great.” I let my purse and laptop slide down to rest at my feet. The train moved on, snow and darkess blurring past the windows. No one said anything for awhile and I began to feel like an intruder, the odd woman in their group of guys.
I looked down at my boots, still dripping snow and slush. “You should be wearing a hat. I never see you wearing one and tonight is going to be freezing they say.” I braved a look up at him through my hair.
He laughed, in a nice friendly way. “I like to freeze my head, keeps me thinking.” The other guys laughed a bit. One of them started making a joke about freezing something else and then stopped, kind of looking at me. I had the feeling he was a well trained married guy, careful what he said in mixed company. I grinned over at him. After that we had a steady conversation. The next stop came and I sat down with the guys. We talked about our jobs and car repairs and the coming Christmas holidays.
I didn’t realize it was just myself and Greg until the last guy left and we were the only two sitting there. It was too late to be ackward by then. We’d already been talking for half an hour and I knew his name.
“It’s really nice to meet you, Jane.” He said. “I thought about bumping into you or something for awhile but you looked like you didn’t really want to talk to anyone. Shows how easy it is to be wrong about people.” He smiled. “Would you like to go for a warming up coffee at the restaurant in the station before we head out?”
“I’d like that.” I said. “They have a really good hot chocolate. I bring my nephew over once in awhile on the weekends.”
We spent the next hour talking. Talking about everything under the sun it seemed. We talked as we got off the train, we talked as we had our hot chocolate and we talked until he noticed it was already after 8:00.
“I didn’t think it was so late. I can’t stay longer. We moved my Mother into a nursing home last week and I promised I would visit her tonight. They close the doors at 9:00.” He put cash on the table, enough for both drinks and a decent tip.
We walked out to the parking lot together. The snow had kept up, all the cars in the lot were coated in a thick layer of white.
“Could be a challenge just to find your car tonight.” I said.
“People coming on the late train will be stuck getting a cab home it looks like.” He pointed to where the snow was piled up from the plough, a huge mountain already. One of the cars was very close, at least a third of it was under the mountain. Why did it have to be my car?
I moaned, thinking about getting it out.
“That’s not your car is it, really?” He sort of laughed and grimaced at the same time.
“It sure is. I have a window scraper in the trunk. If I can get it open.”
“I think you will just have to leave it here. Do you have CAA so you can call them to tow it or something?”
“Yes, do you think they would come for something like this?” I asked, hopefully.
“Probably.” He said thinking. “What else can someone do when something like that happens. You can hardly wait for the Spring thaw.” He laughed and I had to laugh too, even though I seemed to be stuck without a car.
“I know we’ve just met but I could drop you off at home. I’m sure my Mother would understand if I’m late due to helping a lady in distress.”
How could I say no? Spend more time with Greg and get a ride home.
He parked in front of my building and held my hand, rubbing his thumb over my skin. He leaned over and kissed me then, a good kiss. I leaned in closer, took off my winter gloves and slid my hands up inside his coat, under his suit. I held him that way while he deepened the kiss. His heart beat against the palm of my hand.
“Jane…” He moaned, his breath feathering over my face. “I thought of so many things to say, to break the ice, to meet you. It was all so silly sounding when I looked at you.” He pulled back to look at my face close up, just a whisper away. “I really want to make love to you, tonight. I’ve thought about what you must look like under all those layers of clothes. I’ve thought about how much I want to feel your body pressed against mine.” He unbuttoned his coat and pulled it off.
I said nothing, I could hear my own breathing, heavy and fast and excited. I licked my lips. My fingers began working on the buttons of his suit jacket and then the shirt under it. “Jane, not here in the car. Let’s go somewhere at least warm where we can have some room and enough light to see each other.”
“We can go inside, to my place.” I felt so brazen, like a slut. But it was what I wanted and I had been sweet and shy a long time, spending too much time alone.
I would have liked more time, a long slow lovemaking. My clothes were off and on the floor before I had thought about how I should ask him about using a condom. He had one and had it on himself by the time we stepped into my bedroom. On the bed he ravished me, just as the fictional heros in a romance novel did. I never thought any of that was based on reality. Yet, it felt good, quick and fast and deep and penetrating. Even though it was over too soon I felt I had really been loved. My orgasm hung on for days and then the final release was shattering, thundering through my body. He rested beside me, our hearts still pounding and our breath not yet slowing down.
“Thank you.” I said, in a whisper.
He got up then and began pulling on his clothes. I was startled that he would be in such a hurry to leave after that. But, he did.
Almost like a real old fashioned date, I even got a good night kiss from him. He gave me his phone number and his email address. Pressing his business card into my hand he looked into my eyes and told me he really hoped I would call, tonight even. I said I would.
I did too, once I called CAA and heard them laugh over the phone about my snowbound car. The tow brought it to my house. He even made sure it started before he left. Said it happened a few times every winter and suggested I don’t park there just because it seemed like a good spot while there wasn’t any snow.
I had a hot shower and nuked something for a single girl’s dinner. Then I phoned Greg, or I would have. I couldn’t find the business card he had written on. Of course I looked everywhere it could possibly be, even a few places it really couldn’t have been. I was frustrated but at least I would see him on the train tomorrow.
I never did though. I tried to find him in town. I looked at the nursing homes in the area, I asked about any new women who had just moved in the past week. No luck. I wrote a list about every smallest thing I knew about him but each clue I followed up on ended up getting me nowhere.
It was a big mystery.
I stayed living in that small town and working downtown for a few years more. Eventually I met a guy and we married and had a few kids, three of them. We moved to his town. I created my own business from home, gift baskets. It did quite well. The kids grew up happy and my husband and I got along well. It was the white picket fence life, revamped for the digital age.
One day out of the blue I saw Greg again. He looked just the same. I was older, more than 15 years had gone by. But, there he was, the same. He was at the train station of all places. I had gone in to get a schedule for my sister who was planning to visit us. Greg was sitting on one of the benches.
I stopped, just looking at him, totally surprised. Life seemed to swirl around me and come back full circle. As if I had just stepped out to make a phone call and now I was back.
He turned and faced me. He smiled but it wasn’t the same. He recognized me but his look was rueful, as if he regretted something but could do nothing about it. Somehow my feet moved and I sat down beside him. My face felt kind of stiff and no words were coming to my mouth though plenty were spilling around in my mind.
“It’s nice to see you again, Jane.” He said, kindly, as you would speak to an old friend. “You look good, life seems to have treated you well.” He got up then and just started walking away. I turned to say something but he wasn’t there. Vanished. I sat there, stunned. The bus schedule I had been holding slipped from my fingers.
“You dropped this.” One of the station staff handed me back the schedule.
“Thanks” I muttered.
“Funny, you look like you’ve seen a ghost.” she smiled. “Funny, I took yesterday off work cause it was the anniversary of my brother’s death. He was killed by a drunk driver here, fifteen years ago.” She smiled again, “Did you see him? A nice tall bald guy in a suit? Always a smile for everyone.” She sighed, “I still miss him.”
She walked off in her own thoughts. I sat there awhile longer, remembering a young man I used to know from the commuter train.
Saturday is going to be busy in the afternoon. I plan to leave here a bit early so I can take my time walking up to Queen Street. I’m still not finding it an easy walk. Another week and I should be used to it. I’m meeting Paul at a Starbuck’s in the afternoon. We will see how that goes.
After that I told my Mom and Zack that I would go out to Newmarket for the weekend. I had planned to go on Sunday but, there is more trouble for Zack at home. Grandma is worried (me too) and Zack is upset. Both parents are seldom home and don’t seem to understand how that is upsetting for kids. The little girls are always crying and whiny but maybe it’s because they have no parents around. Just the odd time in between them going out for this and that. Wayne has gotten into a bad thing with his work. He puts in an eight hour day and is then on call all night long. Often he only sleeps a few hours and this is not just weekends or every other week. It’s every day, every week. Sarah runs her place and then plays tennis and etc. She complains about his hours but hers are not much different. Neither is home and they have three children. There is a nanny but that isn’t the same as a parent. What messed up people are they creating out of this mess they are making. Not much anyone can do. They won’t change, just for the worse it seems. Having a nanny just makes it easier for both of them to not be around and not that’s a problem.
Anyway, that is going to be my weekend. A date and then a long bus trip out to Newmarket. I think I am going to go to Alliston and pick up some more things. I would like to have all my Christmas decorations and the tree before the house gets sold or closed up or rented or whatever they end up doing with it now. I know Graham is planning their trip down to Florida for before the end of this month. That will be interesting as far as the Beach apartment too. Still no washer and dryer hooked up. The tenants upstairs are even farther behind in their rent. At least they finally cleaned up the cat toilet which was right by my ‘front’ door.
Do I sound bitchy? Too bloody bad. 😛
I do have a headache tonight. Thinking too much about stuff that I can’t do much about. Not thinking enough about myself and whatever I’m going to do down here. I don’t like it. I don’t like having no outside, no windows to see the sky. When I go out it all feels so small and pressed in, slightly claustrophic. If I don’t get myself out of here for a few days in a row I begin to feel agoraphobic. I’m not going crazy but I really don’t see how I will ever belong or fit in down here. I’ve never wanted to be a country girl, I would never call myself that. But, I’m not a city dweller either. I’m not that slick, stylish wine drinking career type. I’m just suburban and even that is disappearing. I’ve driven out to Scarborough where I grew up. It is pretty much gone, until you get way out there. It feels dangerous now, in a way it never did and in a way the city itself doesn’t even. It’s odd to be in Scarborough where I used to be a 12 year old kid traveling anywhere I wanted, alone. It’s not like that now.
I don’t feel afraid of the city the way other people who live in the country are intimidated and think there are murders and robberies and etc every day. Mostly everywhere I go I just think people are people. Some of them are drips, some are dorks, most are just somewhere in the middle. Everyone is far more concerned about themselves than they are about how they think about me. So I try to put that out of my mind. Not that I get rid of it. I’m still a size plus in a world of size cute. I won’t stretch it to say size fit or size slender. I was downtown and not all those women (or men) were stick figures. I was glad to see some women a nice size with a bit of boobage and butt, maybe even a little belly. Often it seems the younger ones have those curves and when they get older they become hard and firm angles working all the soft edges off.
So, it’s late enough for me to get to bed now. Maybe reading awhile will make my brain let go and the headache will vanish.
I wrote a pretty good short story today. It wasn’t especially adult but I needed something for one of the adult things so I posted it there. A bit of a sappy story but the writing was pretty good. I didn’t start it with any plan and my ending wasn’t hugely original. I wonder if I ever do learn to plot and plan a story how it would work out. I have tried that. It just never gets me very far. The stories I finish are the ones I write all in one shot. If I don’t finish them that way they just sit half done and gather dust bunnies, or whatever gathers on computer files.