Be the Ice Queen and Be Proud!

You may feel like the Ice Queen inside when you go through a divorce. It may be how you hold yourself together and pull yourself through the whole thing. It’s not a bad thing to be the Ice Queen. Wear it with pride!

Later, when you begin to thaw out and become yourself again, you can still be the Ice Queen, a bit mysterious and unreachable. A bit aloof and above the crowd. Feeling special is a good thing.

Kate Spade has an Ice Queen set: brooch, ring and a necklace on a thick silver chain. This one above is called the bib necklace, it’s my favourite in the set.

Laughing and Looking Forward

One thing in short supply during or after a divorce are people who know what to say. The Gabor Sisters could make you laugh and give you something to look forward to at the same time.

“I’m an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.” – Zsa Zsa Gabor
“Getting divorced just because you don’t love a man is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.” – Zsa Zsa Gabor
“Marriage is too interesting an experiment to be tried only once.” – Eva Gabor

Changing Him

From The Kay Way:

As I spend time with my younger female friends and hear of their relationships, it occurs to me that generation after generation we fall in love with who we think our mates could be rather than the real man who is standing in front of us. What a shame.

My comment: Very well said. In my case I married a man who said he was in love with me. I did change him. He had been agoraphobic but together we built a life where he was out at a job (which he still has and likes) we had our own apartment, I moved to the US so we could be married all legal and proper for the government. I wanted to be married too but it was not a romantic wedding for sure. After we married he kept changing. He began picking on me and alienating me. We had been friends a long time before he decided he was in love with me. When we divorced it was because he no longer wanted to be married, just over a year after the wedding. He is grateful to me for getting him out of his rut. However, I can’t say things turned out that well from my side of things. I moved back to Ontario with nothing and I felt like nothing too.

Sometimes in a comment on someone’s blog you make a post that gives you some new perspective. I like to save those.

My family still think our marriage could have been saved. I don’t. First, it does take two people to make a marriage work. Second, I never felt so alone as I did when I was living in that one bedroom apartment with him every day. I miss being married, doing things with someone and having fun. But, I’m glad to be out of that too. I felt dead inside when I came back to Ontario again. Everything I had felt happy about being married, working together with him on building our lives and all the pride I had in doing all those things was left in ashes.

It would be nice to say I did the phoenix thing and arose from those ashes. But, I have not. Over ten years later and I am still working on it. Time has helped. Distance, in time and space, has given me perspective.

I wouldn’t say I feel bitter or even angry any longer. I don’t think it’s a regret. Though all the good things are deep in the muck of all the unhappy things. It’s hard to remember them without looking through the glass with all the negative tinting the view.

I don’t do the blame thing very much. I made choices and put myself there. I made choices and took myself out of there too.

I’ve learned more about men from those days and the days after. I’m never going to be a dating diva. But, I do know there are far more important things in picking a man than the shape of his behind or a winning smile or even how well he talks about himself. Those are good things to have learned. It’s a shame learning takes so much time when our time is finite.

Your One Day of Self Indulgence?

Win some M&M’s from A Quad Mom Named Suz Tell her about your day of indulgence. What would you do if you could do anything and everything in the world, your one day of self indulgence?

This is my day of indulgence:

My day would start with a handsome and charming chauffeur coming to my door very early in the morning. I’d direct him to several places where there are abandoned farmhouses in the area. I’d take all the photos I could, until I was too cold to do any more and the light was fading. In between there would be stops for coffee and a nice lunch somewhere in some little town. I’d have a book to read over lunch, or chat up the chauffeur if he could carry a conversation. At the end of the day, when it was too dark for photos I’d go to the big bookstore for a latte and a book shopping. Then the chauffeur drives me to a nice motel so I can have a hot shower with delicious smelling body soap and shampoo. I spend the night reading snuggled up in bed. The beach is there in the morning, so even though my day is over I can zip out for an early morning of beach combing and sandcastle building before I have to get back to the real world and regular scheduled life.

I would have added more to that if I had thought about it first. Like shopping at the Body Shop for the most luxurious scented shampoo and soap for my shower at the motel. I really like showering at night, when the house is quiet and no one else is awake. It’s so quiet and I feel at peace for at least awhile.

You can also try for the M&Ms at Michelle Woo‘s blog.

What makes you melt?

I wrote:

My nephew’s real laugh. He’s 13 now, the start of so many changes and so much growing up. Though I haven’t had children of my own he is like my own son. I’ve helped raise him through my sister’s divorce and my own. He is a lovely boy turning into a young man and his laughs don’t come so easily as they did when he was a little boy. They are a treasure now and I melt when I think of all that has been and all that is yet ahead of him. I’m so glad to be someone he counts on and so glad to still be someone who can make him laugh and feel better when things are not always so easy in his life.

The Leaning Trap and Assorted Babblings

It’s funny how we can all be such a mix of things. I strongly feel you should not kick anyone when they are down. I also feel it is very important to smile at people, for no reason. It is so much easier to be negative or discouraging or critical than it is to be positive, optimistic and supportive. Yet, one negative comment does more damage than one encouraging smile can ever fix.

Yet, for all that I don’t have total patience with people who don’t seem to want to help themselves. I feel bad about this, nice girl syndrome. But, in reality, it’s good to keep yourself from becoming a total doormat for the world. You can not help everyone and you should not try. If you can give someone a boost that is a great thing. But, if someone wants to begin leaning on you, walk away quickly. Do your best to be nice about it but you can not have another fully functional adult leaning on you. It just pushes you down and then… when you need some help you are all alone. That is the worst, most awful, deeply sad feeling. I have been there. I don’t want to experience it again. I guess that helps me be careful and take a hasty retreat rather than sinking to nice girl syndrome and making a doormat out of myself.

I used to be a very good doormat. I was politely limp and quietly sinking into oblivion. I didn’t like it there.

They used to say people in North America could not understand how Europeans had such attitude and joy for life. They said it was because North Americans had never experienced a war. We still have not, not really. A war has not been brought to our very doorstep. We aren’t afraid to walk to school or work or the shopping mall, looking up or around, wondering if someone is about to drop a bomb or start shooting everywhere. Maybe in some very urban areas, but not for most of us.

However, I think going through a divorce is like surviving and battling in a war, right on our doorstep. How much more personal and intimate can a battle be than between two people who have not only been intimate but partners in life?

My divorce changed me. For awhile I was stronger but I think I have lost some of that. I have a bitterness in me that was never there before. I don’t always like it but it does help. It gives me that warning bell when I am falling for someone’s story about how they need to lean on me. I’m less likely to be leanable. That’s a good thing cause I deeply do not want to be responsible for anything. I don’t want to be at fault for anything when something goes wrong. I’m at fault for enough without looking for more. I even feel I’m at fault when no one is actually blaming me and there is not even any way (realistically) that whatever happened is my fault. I’m just used to being blamed, being leaned on in one way or another.

A family is like a line of trees growing in a forest. When one parent is abusive I think it makes all the other trees grow stunted. The trees closest get more of the stuntedness. The little saplings farthest away get a blunted edge. I was the first sapling in the row, it was a sharp edge and it cut deep.

Anyway, I started thinking about this because I was told I should help someone when I did not want to help them. My bitterness radar went off. I know this person would like help and thinks they need it. I don’t believe it is the right thing, or the best thing, for me to do. I don’t want to be leaned on and this person could do the task if they just straightened their spine and walked without leaning.

Yet, I caved. When someone else told me there wasn’t any reason I couldn’t help this person… what’s wrong with me that I’ve become so critical and bitter? I say people should “just get over it” yet I haven’t gotten over much of my own stuff myself. Aren’t I being hypocritical? Maybe I am. But logic doesn’t always apply.

Besides, people who are overly analytical just drive me bonkers. Everything doesn’t have to have a reason. The facts don’t have to all line up nice and tidy. Sometimes you should just let the illogic rule you, let the wind take you and don’t be responsible for any damn thing you don’t have to take on.

Tell it to me Tuesday: Disremember

Tell it to me Tuesday from The Art of Getting By.

What are a list of things you wish you could disremember?

It sounds sappy but I don’t think there is anything I’d like to disremember. Even the most pain you experience gives you something in experience and knowledge. How can you really appreciate the good things if you don’t remember when things were really awful.

My worst was having my best friend tell me he “fell out of love” so I went through a divorce and came back home, to my own country again. Before that I had thought the immigration procedure was the deepest pit of hell I could have gone through.