How Did you Decide You’re a Dom?

I wrote the following in a reply to someone on Redditt:

I began exploring BDSM without having a role as sub, switch or Dom. I took time to see how I felt and how I felt about other people who had those roles and what that made of them. I really like to do things my own way, not often the traditional, expected path. I don’t like being expected to follow rules unless they actually do make sense to me.

When I did pick a place, or get told I needed to label myself, I said I was a switch. At the time I did feel that was where I belonged. I even wrote about it, as a BDSM role and not being something that was just middle of the road to leave my options open. I still feel that I can switch, as the situation and my feelings evolve and depending on who I’m with. But, I seldom find a man who makes me feel that other submissive way. It’s easier to stick to Dom and keeps things simpler. Plus, it feels good, right for me.

I was a submissive with my ex-husband but it was always awkward. He wanted to be the Dom and I let him. He didn’t have that masterful way but he wanted to.

On the other hand, when I play submissive online I get asked to change and become Dom with men who call themselves Dom. So, I think there is something about me that feels natural in that role, beyond liking to do things my own way.

Someone wrote that often people who are commanding, in charge and such in their lives are often submissive when it comes to D/s and the opposite for people who are giving and shy – they tend to fall into Dom roles. I’ve found that to be true quite often, not 100% of course.

Beginners Guide for Becoming a Male Submissive

The BDSM experience is different for men and women, in several ways. Women are more careful about meeting men. Women may be looking for romance and affection, a relationship while men really just want sex. Women tend to get pushed into things they really don’t want to do, in order to keep the peace.

I often read people (men) claiming women into Domming are rare. In my experience this is not true. I encounter many women who would enjoy Domming men, if they could find one who meets their needs.

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Being a male submissive may not be what you think it is at all

There are very few men who understand what a Dom woman is looking for, what she actually wants. She does not want to be the Dom you see in pornography. If you are looking for a woman to fulfill all your porno fantasies of what male submission should be… pay for it. Professional sex workers will dress the part and read from whatever script you want, do it your way (as long as safety is considered) and give you what you want as you expect to have it.

Real women who Dom, just because they want to, will want to do things their own way. Real women Doms have their own fantasies, their own desires and plans for play, teasing, romance, seduction, torment and all their own fetishes and kinks. They will want you to please them and that may not include any of the fetishes and kinks you have been fantasizing about.

A real woman may not want a man slobbering on her shoes or expecting to wear her underwear, for instance.  Some women may like the idea of training men to submit while others think they should already be house broken.

Worship and begging may not appeal to her. For myself, both of these are a turn off. The real appeal of having a male submissive is that he be a man, strong, clever, manly and yet my submissive. Retain your dignity and be a male submissive worth having and keeping.

Before you Begin…

Decide if you actually want the reality.

Do you want a woman telling you what to do? Are you willing to be disappointed when she isn’t interested in doing what you want, the way you want it? Will you let her lead or will you try to pressure her into giving you what you want instead?

Do not manipulate your Dom. Yes, it is fun to have the erotic play of teasing, denial, struggling and so on… but it should be sincerely part of the fun and not “topping from the bottom”. Two people sincerely invested in D/s can have a lot of fun, pleasure and explorations. If you top from the bottom (manipulate your Dom) you cheat yourself from ever having the real experience of submitting, serving and discovering the pleasure of being a male submissive in reality.

Also, no Dom woman likes to be manipulated. We get this from almost every so-called male sub on dating sites and etc. It is very discouraging. If you wonder why there are so few women into Domming – this would be the number one reason.

If you can’t let go of your expectations then consider paying for what you want and getting it from a McDomme (paid to do it your way).

What are you really willing to do?

Too many men have a list of fetish and kink ideas but no thoughts about the reality. This is especially a bad idea when it comes to health and safety. There are several things which will sound good on paper or turn you on when you watch a video… but reality is not like that. Reality is messier, reality is less planned and professional, less perfect and reality has accidents and misunderstandings.

Never say you are willing to do anything/ everything. Because you aren’t. No one is – unless it’s make believe and pretend.

Read about the reality of your fetishes and kinks. Instead of watching the porn find someone who really has done it and read about their experience. What went wrong, what didn’t work and how did they learn to do it better or another way. Research the reality. Even if you have no experience you can read the experience of others (just not the porn version).

Consider safety and be practical about it

If you have issues such as allergies, a phobia, dislikes put together a list of these issues. Personally, I don’t like having something close around my neck or mouth because I grew up with asthma. I’m also allergic to animals which limits the places and people I can spend time with to some extent. These are things to be aware of, for yourself and the woman Dom you would like to meet.

Although safety and health are more up to the Dom in a D/s relationship you can’t expect her to know your needs, read your mind or use telepathy to know there is a problem.

Safe words are not that reliable. If there is a real problem, something sudden, you need communication which won’t be forgotten in the moment or confused with something else.  A direct safe word, like stop, is better than trying for some secret code you may not remember when you need it. If you use the safe word for effect rather than actually needing it the play stops anyway. Respect the safe word – it’s not a game.

Communicate and talk about anything you plan to do. Start simple and leave yourself room to back out or change the plan. you may think you want to start with the hard stuff but discover your feelings were far more involved when it was actually happening. It is possible to discover you  have a phobia or intense dislike you didn’t know you had until you tried something. This can be especially true with bondage. Actually being confined is not just as you imagine it to be. Explore and experiment with baby steps and savour the experiences as you go.

Submission is not a gift

Years ago the idea that submission is a gift started in the online BDSM groups. This is not the right attitude. Domination is just as much a gift, if you want to consider either of them a gift at all.

You have chosen to submit and your Dom has chosen to lead you, to control you and to own you (up to a point). She is not likely to want to micro-manage you. Being the Dom is a responsibility. It’s not easy and it is not something to take lightly. People can get hurt physically, mentally and emotionally. Both of you need to communicate to prevent problems. The gift is the relationship itself, when you can find it.

Explore and discover

  • Try blindfolding yourself in your own bed. How does it feel? Does the blindfold itch? Do you feel peaceful?
  • Sit on your hands next time you’re alone watching TV. How long can you keep yourself in this self-bondage? How uncomfortable is it?
  • Sit under a table, let it become your cage. Does the confinement bother you? Do you feel snugly caged or just trapped?
  • Try being naked when you are home alone. With the blinds or curtains closed stand naked in front of the window. Even knowing no one can see you do you get a thrill or can you not even do it at all?
  • Buy a dog collar for yourself. No one has to know you don’t have a dog (or your dog won’t be wearing this one). Wear the collar but wrap it around your wrist the first day (not your neck).
  • Even before you have a Dom you can practice serving her tea. Dress up (she doesn’t want pubic hair in her tea cup), make a plate up with pretty treats and serve tea in a teapot with a fancy teacup and saucer for her.

The reality is much different from the fantasy. Reality isn’t the porn version because it’s not scripted and the people are not actors. However, you can actually be one of the people involved rather than watching and wishing from the sidelines. Just make sure you want the reality, imperfect but not impersonal.

Tea Cups with Nudes

I was not looking for naked people on teacups but I found them anyway. Not sure how this came up in a search for “gold dot teacup and saucer”. But, it was interesting. What occasion would you use this for? It could work for a D/s tea party but I’d rather have something less nude and more formal and traditional. But, that’s just me. This may be just your cup of tea!

nude tea

 

Upon further exploration I turned up an espresso cup and saucer for those who aren’t tea drinkers. This is from the same artist, Melody Rose, on the same site. If that’s not enough for you there is a whole tea set for the first cup and saucer and… I posted what the site calls a vintage plate on Gracie’s blog.

espresso nude girl

How to Impress a Domme When Meeting for the First Time

male sub jewelsYou’ve gotten through her screening process and she has set a time and place for you to meet her, face to face. Now what? How do you make a good first impression on a real Domme when you meet for the first time? I don’t mean the type of Dominant woman you pay, the one who asks you what you want and tells you how much it will cost. No, I mean the Domme who is a real woman and wants more than a temporary job when she arranges to meet you.

Dress appropriately:

You are most likely meeting in a public place. If you wear any fetish wear be very discreet and don’t wave it around in public. Something small which you leave her to notice is much more effective than a blatant display.

Dress up too. Look your best and pay attention to grooming. Trim facial hair, clean your fingernails, etc.

Show up and be on time or a bit early:

Don’t be late! Too many times men do not show up or arrive late. If you are not ready to meet her (or only want to play pretend online) don’t make the appointment in the first place. Be honest.

Bring a little gift:

Nothing elaborate, you aren’t paying for her favours. Keep it simple but this is a chance for you to show some cleverness, creativity, style and prove that you actually did pay attention to what she has told you about herself so far.

Offer to buy the first coffee/ wine:

She may turn down the offer, but that doesn’t excuse you from offering. Be a gentleman and remember your old fashioned manners.

Make small talk:

Until she introduces the subject of BDSM or D/s you keep the conversation light. Consider this your first test, because it likely is one of the things she is watching for.

When the subject of BDSM or sex comes up don’t rush in:

Don’t bring your grocery list of fetishes and kinky ideas to the table. Of course you want to know if she shares your interests, however chances are your list is more fantasy than fact. Talk to her about actual experience you have had versus stuff you want to try, think would be a big turn on, etc. Stick to the facts. If she asks what you want to try and have not done yet, keep it modest. Don’t make yourself sound like a window shopper – keep it realistic.

Watch your personal space:

Do not invade her personal space. Keep your arms, hands, coffee mugs, wine glass and etc to your own side of the table. Body language counts!

Bring a business card if you have one:

Unless you are paying her (which this post is not about) you should be prepared to give her information about yourself. Proof that you are available, that she can contact you, that you trust her (and thus she can trust you too). If you do not have a business card make sure she has your correct phone number, email address or any other way of contacting you and then ask her to contact you.

To hug or not to hug:

At the end of your time, if all has gone well, you might want some physical contact. Let her lead, however you can offer your hand or ask permission to give her a hug, etc.

Do not ask for sex! Asking for sex just proves you don’t really have half a clue about male submission. If you want to serve her, your needs do not come first. Sex may not even be part of what she wants.

After the first meeting send her a thank you note:

Thank her for meeting you, tell her you had a good time, enjoyed getting to know her, and so on. Don’t ask for a second meeting – but you can tell her you hope to see her again soon. You can suggest a great place or local event for a second meeting, but leave it up to her to choose.

 

Retro Internet: The 1500 Point Purity Test

Long ago, in the days of the Internet surfing highway, there was a purity test with over 1000 questions. I found a copy of it. Posted for your viewing (or take the test) pleasure.

THE UNISEX PURITY TEST

If you thought the millenial purity test was bad, well you ain’t see
nuttin’ yet!

This is the 1500 point Purity Test!

We felt that the 1000 point version lost a lot of the “fun” of the
earlier versions, so we re-wrote it, adding a few new sections, and
a shitload of questions. This test is guaranteed to be nosier that
your parents, more invasive than the census, and containing something
to offend everybody.

Also included is an answer form so that you can remember where in the
test you were, or show to a friend.

Read moreRetro Internet: The 1500 Point Purity Test