Too Alone in the World

Sometimes I feel like a tiny pin prick of an island on the huge map of the world. Who knows anything about one pin prick sized dot. Maybe it’s only a bit of fluff dropped from someone’s clothes? Maybe it’s just a bit of sauce from the french fries served at lunch? Maybe it’s a squished bug? Or maybe it’s a whole island unto itself.

There is so much to do with the moving. Still. Always. Eternally so. But, in this moving there are really only two days left to get it all done. Sickening, frustrating, maddening and far too crazy for me.

I got mad at the garage door opener when I came home last night after work. It fell apart and when I couldn’t get it to work I rolled down my car window and pitched it out into a handy snow bank. They’ll find it in the Spring.

I’d say I’ll be glad when this is done. But it won’t be done. I’ve moved too many times to want to tackle the unpacking. It seems pointless to unpack only to pack again. I drift along, rootless and at times pot bound. Too much family with opinions about all I do wrong and how I should be doing everything in a different way. Where am I in all of this? I reach out to grab at some trailing part of myself and there are just boxes, waiting to be packed, or unpacked. I can’t see inside.

Too Much Family Time

I had two days off work and I’m just as worn out as I would be had I been working. I think it’s being here. There is so much stress from too much family time, especially when it’s sort of not really your family any more. You can never go back, that’s true when it’s about your parents and brothers and sisters. You can’t go back and expect them to accept that you aren’t that same dorky kid, loser, whatever. Sometimes I feel like there are two people inside me. One is the person they expect me to be and the other is the unexplored (real) me. I wonder if I have to break something to be that real me. It seems the only way out and yet you’re always trained to be nice, not hurt others and respect your family. What do you have to lose to gain yourself and your freedom from old standards?

The End

The End
5/20/02

It’s been awhile since I updated this page. There’s not going to be any happy ending to the story for those that like to read ‘Once upon a time’ type things. Todd decided he wants a divorce and since you can’t really have a marriage by yourself I agreed.

Anyway, as far as I know we have heard nothing from the INS about our final (greencard) interview. I’m not staying in the US, I want to go home. I need to start my life all over again, move all over again and figure out a lot of personal stuff. My family are angry about the whole situation. Sometimes I’m angry, most of the time I guess I’m just depressed, sort of empty and drained.

Good luck to the other Canadians going through this. I was going to just take my page down but it might be good for everyone to know it’s not a fairy tale at the end of the rainbow. You might just step into a pile of something you need to scrape off your shoe.

Read more of these old posts – Our Adventures with the Fiancé Visa (2000 – 2002)

Fingerprinting in St Louis

Fingerprinting in St Louis
9/25/01 6:50 pm

Todd and I went to St Louis for the fingerprinting this past Wednesday. It was a lot of travel for me because I just got back from visiting my family in Toronto on Monday afternoon. I’ve certainly had enough road trips for awhile. Well, maybe for a couple of weeks. 😉

Fingerprinting was no problem. It took us longer to actually find the right building than it did to be fingerprinted. It was all done on a computer screen. No messy ink on my fingers. We stayed a few days in St Louis. Todd had the week off. It was great to be swimming each day and have little trips around town. We saw the Science Centre but were too tired of all the walking to make it to the Historical Museum as well. Next trip for that.

It sounds like we should be able to get our file transfered to the St Louis office instead of Chicago. A difference of 4 hours driving each way.

Anyway, thats all the INS news. I’m studying Lotus Notes now. It pays much better than freelance writing or any clerical work. Tomorrow I’m going to the local mall to apply at stores.

Read more of these old posts – Our Adventures with the Fiancé Visa (2000 – 2002)

EAD OS?

EAD OS?
12/28/00 1:31 pm

I can’t keep the shortened forms clear in my head, just too much crammed in there I guess. :)

Todd and I just got the next round of paperwork from Vermont (VT?). Mostly, its a questionnaire about all my past work as a spy. 😉 Todd is working on filling it all out. Then, he is planning for me to go to Chicago or wherever and deliver it all. Is there an interview then? I really thought I was finished with the solo part of this. But Todd cant really take more time off from work. I feel kind of lost in paperwork. I don’t know what part we are working on now.

Hope you will all be having a nice New Years. If you aren’t married or with your fiance make sure you spend the time with your family well. Later you will have all the time you want with him/ her and only phone calls with your family.

Read more of these old posts – Our Adventures with the Fiancé Visa (2000 – 2002)

Re: Medical Experience

Re: Medical Experience
11/2/00 11:59 pm

My medical was in Toronto and cost $195. This included extra for the Mumps shot. (I also got sick right after that, not sure it was mumps though).

For Toronto there was a new doctor’s office listed. New from the information I have found on websites at least. I went to the new place and really lucked out. A family had cancelled so I didn’t have to wait for thing. A man came along later but by then I was nearly done.

This new place is _right_ beside the king subway station in Toronto. If you go there (and I highly recommend it, it was clean and the staff were friendly) leave your car somewhere and take the subway. Parking was hard to find and not cheap. We looked awhile.

Read more of these old posts – Our Adventures with the Fiancé Visa (2000 – 2002)