The Trickery that is Me
Sunday January 06, 2002
I’d like to virtually dissect my brain and find out what’s in there. I’d sort it all out into neat compartments and then carefully put it all back together without juggling it all up again.
I want to write about being a publisher online but I can’t find a beginning or an ending. Its such a long winding path to where I am and its hardly over yet. When I just wanted to be a writer and wasn’t doing much about it I always had that problem. The writing I most want to do is a personal column about life and people, the sort of stuff you would find in Family Circle, Victoria Magazine, or Canadian Living. The problem is that my story is never finished. They kind of expect you to have a happy ending tacked on at the end. at the very least some kind of good conclusion and a resolution to the conflict. Well, I’ve never gotten to that part yet. So how do you write a story about something when it has no ending?
So I’m not writing. Can’t you tell how I’m not writing? Look, its right here in front of you. Plain as black and white and red all over I’m not writing.
Its all a trick you see. The best trick I’ve ever pulled on myself. I’m not writing and yet the words are appearing mystically on the screen and my fingers are tapping away at the keyboard. The thoughts are circling like baby vultures in my mind.
The other great trick I pull on myself is self confidence. I have none you see. But I pretend I do and oddly enough it works. People I knew in high school wonder how I changed so much when I barely dared to breathe in high school. They think I’ve changed but I haven’t changed at all, its all an act, the best trick in my bag of tricks.
This whole not writing thing is just a new trick. I’m not good at it yet that’s why you’re stuck reading all this dribble out of the corner of my brain.
You know, we were driving along on Saturday, my husband and his Mother chatting away, they didn’t need me. I was thinking about that woman I always want to be but can’t quite catch. I’m sure she is there, in my brain somewhere. I was thinking that its time I stopped trying to catch up with her and just met her half way. Surprised me a little when she agreed. So, if I have any highly breakable New Years resolution that’s it. I’m going to meet her half way and finally give her a chance to pull us both out of the quagmire and get on with all the things we know she can do.
Did you know she opened HerCorner finally? Yes, I know it was me, I’m not developing a split personality. Though I have thought about how much simpler it would make things. I’ve also considered a lobotomy. But, I seem to conclude that you just have to learn to live with yourself. Trickery works much better, its all a matter of learning the tricks.
I can write a sensible article about HerCorner and publishing later. I’ve really given you the nitty gritty already. Its all here amid the trickery that is me.