Don't Need Me

I don’t really think I’m ever going to find a man to share my life with. I’m not sure what’s so wrong with me but I it’s something. People can sense it in some weird way, a vibe, a smell, a whatever. I don’t know. The only people who are attracted to me are the needy. Men and young people who need someone to listen to their problems, their life stories and give advice, pretty much anything but money. That’s one commodity I don’t have.

I don’t want to be needed. I want to be wanted, desired, lusted for and at the top of his to do list. Do me, do me cause you want to not cause I asked, not cause I guilted you into it. Do me cause I’m what you want. Be with me cause I’m interesting, attractive, good company and a lot of fun in the bedroom. Don’t bother with me cause I’m a good listener and you need someone to weigh down with your life’s history of problems. I have my own I really really really don’t want yours too.

Why doesn’t anyone really want me? I’m feeling old and worn down by being needed.

Cradle Robber Baroness

Age is just a number… ever hear that one? Sure you have. But, when a 17 year old boy becomes interested in you (yes in THAT way) age is a lot more than a number.

I’m only the smallest bit flattered. I don’t think he likes me cause I’m especially hot I think he likes me cause I’m not some awkward 16 year old girl and too self involved to chat with an awkward, sort of shy 17 year old boy. The only way that flatters me is that I’m chatty, in a nice way.

I can’t date this boy. Yes, I admit I allowed myself a fantasy or two, just for fun. But the reality is that I’m more than 20 years older than he is. That’s a lot of life lived. When you’re that young you think you know everything, can understand everything. But, baby, I’ve lived it and it’s a lot different 20 years later.

So, I won’t date the 17 year old boy. I’m not sure going out for a coffee after work is ok. But, I’ve done that with other people from work.

The funny thing is that I wouldn’t have thought twice about should I or shouldn’t I except for a 21 year old woman at work who thinks the boy and I would be really good for each other and we look really cute together. That doesn’t make a relationship. I have a feeling also, that a 17 year old boy can’t even imagine the kind of relationship that I’m looking for. It’s out of his scope. Just like me.

Damn Moody Bastards in General

I wrote a bit of sarcastic (mostly) blabberation for the BackWash Feminists in Makeup community.


Overlook the fact that I’m not as cute as GK. You’re stuck with me this time. Yes, the backseat driver is taking over. Suffer the poor reader.

As usual, I come with no point in mind. If you’ve ever read my column you’re probably used to that by now.

What’s on my mind as I type this is ‘poor bastard’ and ‘moody bastard’ just bastard in general. Have you found yourself referring to one or more men in your life as a bastard? I have. It’s kind of amazing how much better saying one word can make you feel. Don’t believe me? Try it.

Think of the one you love, yeah, that guy. Now call him a bastard. (Not to his face or in his hearing, that just takes all the fun out of it when he gets all peeved and you have to listen to the bastard bitch about you for an hour. What a mood killer, eh?). You can even pick a subspecies of bastard. My personal favourite is moody bastard, but to each her own.

The trick is that you have to say it out loud. No whispered or thought only bastard allowed. It doesn’t work if you hide it. Go ahead, say it a few times. Give it a flourish!

It really does work. Of course, it doesn’t change anything, he’s still a bastard. But, it does make you feel like you’re giving the bastard a little of his own bastardy back.

Damn bastard!

Night Before Rant Part 2

Night Before Rant Part 2
12/4/00 2:23 am

*sigh* If I can just live through this week I will be officially married next week. One week from now I will be on the other side of the border trying to force, coerce and whatever else it takes to get Todd to go to the doctors for a check up. Really, its only fair. He doesnt want to go and is trying to put it off till after the honeymoon. Meanwhile I have been governmentally inspected, physically and personally. Its his turn, dammit! 🙂

(A great deal of personal rant editted out.)

I’d love to hear about where there were any problems crossing the border. I can not stand the thought of another of those people reading my personal and private diary again. The fact that he used trickery to steal it and photocopy it and use it against me still just makes me want to reach out and slap him. Somehow I don’t think I will be all calm and collected at the border crossing. 🙂

I will post how things went for both next week when I only have wedding madness to contend with. Todd and I plan to be married on the 14th of December. My brother is driving me down the evening of the day I get back from Montreal. Currently they have decided not to bring down my stuff which is just making me insane. Well, more insane.

I’ve thought about making a K-1 page but I can tell it will have to wait till I am sane again. Or at least when they decide its safe to let me out of the insanitorium. Besides I would be far too cynical and down and dirty bitchy about the whole thing. I think it will take me a few months to adapt and realize I’m allowed (expected) to live a normal life again.

I do have one small piece of advice for anyone just starting out. Don’t give up your day job!!! As much as you possibly can keep your life normal and plodding along as if you werent getting married and cutting through paperwork with a blunt paperclip. If I had found something part time and not left nearly everything I own down there with Todd I would be much saner now. Having everything on hold for eight months is what is really making this so unbelivably frustrating for me.

Well, nearly over now. Its just after 2:00am on December, 4th. I have the interview on December 6th at 8:30 am. At the very least I will be glad not to have the nightmare where I lose all my hair and teeth (gruesomely) from stress. I look much nicer without the bloody stumps and tufts of hair. 🙁

End of rant. I need to get a shower and cook myself until I start to feel sleepy.

Night all.

Read more of these old posts – Our Adventures with the Fiancé Visa (2000 – 2002)

Leaving for THE interview on Tuesday.

Leaving for THE interview on Tuesday.
12/4/00 2:22 am

What have I forgotten, I can’t breathe, my head is killing me I’m sure its going to explode.

Actually I’m feeling much better now. I had a killer headache all day today as I scurried around getting things. My Mother had the idea that I could send in the checklist before actually having all the bits and pieces together. Its ok, I have everything but the $45 US now. But I have barely started packing and we plan to leave for the border the day after I get back from Montreal.

I know its unlikely there will be a problem. But Todd didn’t have the 3 years worth of income tax reports. There is a reason for that, namely he has only been filing on his own for a year or two now. I do have the affidavit of support, the notarized letter from his bank and employer and the letter from him which had to be faxed here today because it did not arrive in time in the godless snail mail.

I’m not feeling so much panic as I thought I would. Mostly its just needing to get this over with and get on with things that actually matter to my life as a whole. Why does it have to be such a plaguy nuisance to marry someone on the other side of the border. I’m sure its just to make money for them. I’ve read the US to Canada pages and they have a much shorter story about the whole thing.

“Last week Harry proposed. He sent in some paperwork and they faxed back a gold invitation. Today I just gave birth to my third child yet my sister is still waiting for her fiance visa so she can go down and marry her US fiance. I told it would be easier to just stuff him in a suitcase and get on with it.”

Read more of these old posts – Our Adventures with the Fiancé Visa (2000 – 2002)