Too Much Journalling

Why does any one person need or have so many blogs and journals? I don’t know, don’t even ask me.

I’m cold tonight. It’s like all my ghosts are standing behind me blowing, soft chilling breaths down the bacl of my neck. They are there, ghosts I mean. Not spooky, white sheets. All the ghosts. The people who came into my life, were reflected on my mirror and then sank back into the shadows. Never seen again, but thought of once in awhile.

Karen Pownell, where are you? Lately it’s you I’ve been thinking of. Do you remember the nose picking song? Probably not. You had so many friends and I wasn’t even one of them. If I had just been less worried about what everyone thought of me we would have been great friends. I still think of you but lately I’ve been thinking of you more often. Whatever did you do with the rest of your life? If anyone is about my age (39) and lived in The Rouge (Port Union in general) in the east end of Scarborough send me a note. It would be great to hear from other old people. 🙂 Who knew you really could get so damn old! I was a year back, everyone in my class was one year older than me. They’re all 40 now! I still have about 8 months to be in my 30’s. Just barely, but still there.

I am ldr (long distance dating) with Eric. I don’t like it. I like him I just don’t like being with him virtually. It’s not enough. I decided to try again it seems only fair that I get that chance. I think I’m going to crack up on this long distance part. It’s no one’s fault, not even mine. Dating again is hard. I’ve been dumped every time or found out something that just proved I have no dating sense what so ever. You think you’re smart until you do something really stupid. So many things spinning through my brain like lightening on the water. In the end I just come to the same conclusion, keep trying. Give it a chance. Not every guy or every situation or every decision I make has to be a bad one. Just because my track record with these things is pretty ugly… I want it to work. Yes, there are pretty huge details to figure out. Kind of overwhelming when I dare to stop and think. He once said he doesn’t want to get married again. I don’t want to be the ever ender girlfriend though. Do I want to be some kid’s evil step girlfriend? I don’t want to be disliked just cause I exist. Then, do I really want to be married again, go through that again, take that chance again? Eric isn’t messy or dirty. It won’t be like that again, but it still scares me. I never want to be there again, trapped and no one even really believing me. They thought I should have just tried harder. But I was trying my hardest. Trying hard doesn’t matter. Some days were so bad and everything was my fault cause I wasn’t doing enough, trying enough, being enough. Never enough. Just not enough of me. So empty. So nothing.

I still remember the road kill. It was like a symbol for everything. Road kill, the fresh kind, splattered and bloody and chunky. Or, road kill, the kind that has become plastered to the road, dried up by rubber burning over top of it. Little flakes fly up as the cars drive over. Even the maggots have left it to harden and crust on the road.

I’ve never looked at road kill the same. I never will. If I had just listened on the way down to meet him the first time. When he was still just a man on paper. All the way driving down there, over 15 hours, road kill was amassed everywhere along the way. At the time I thought it was strange to see so much road kill. More than usual I thought. But, I made my own fate. I didn’t listen to the signs though I acknowledged them at the time. Later, there was always road kill. Even talk of road kill, eating road kill deer. Road kill was everywhere, like a theme. When I left I was road kill myself.

But I lived. Crawled away. Peeling myself off the tar. I’m not road kill any more. I don’t know what changed exactly, how I fixed myself. I thought I was unfixable for a long time. I’m not sure now if I gave up or not. It was a muddled time. Pure satire that I learned to drive then and became someone capable of making road kill myself. I did hit a chipmunk at some point. There is irony in life.

Anyway, that’s far more blab than I intended to get into. Actually, I was only going to post this quote:

“In every corner of my soul there is an altar to a different god.” – Fernando Pessoa

Missing Eric

This morning Eric left to go back to Vancouver. I spent the whole day feeling sad. I wrote to a friend online and she told me how silly I was being (probably). Then I finally stopped being quite so silly and I went offline to check the phone. There were 4 messages from Eric while he waited at the airport to take off. Now I know I was being too silly for words today. I feel so much better, even my headache is starting to go away. 🙂 Eric is a wonderful man. Yes, I know it’s too soon and Yes, I know I’m not really sure what I feel but I love him. I don’t just like him. I can’t help it.

Sagittarius and Sagittarius

When two Sagittarians come together, they form a brilliant union of truthseeking travelers. This duo takes on the world through educated lenses and shares the quest for new knowledge. They enjoy pleasant conversation and banter that challenges and entertains the mind. Philosophy, concentration, and an occasional hotheaded dispute characterize the Sagittarius-Sagittarius relationship.
Easygoing and independent, this couple is compatible when it comes to balancing personal interests. Jealousy is not an issue, as each partner has personal projects that they pursue in their free time. When they are together, however, they make the most of their time and really care about pleasing their partner and satiating common interests. Flexible and modern, they can, at times, lose their temper. However, it is not in the Archer’s nature to hold a grudge or feel the effects of long-term disagreements.

Sagittarius is ruled by the Planet Jupiter. Expansion is the key word here; as both partners enjoy the acquisition of knowledge, they will also enjoy adding new and exiting ideas to their relationship. They must be wary of indulging in too much excess, as such gluttony will only slow them down. Their mutual charm and wit makes them a very pleasant couple not only to one another, but they will be the first on everyone’s invitation list.

Sagittarius is a Fire Sign. Two Fire Signs together merge to build a taller flame. They constantly reach out together and experience life: you love to share vacations or archaeological digs rather than just reading about them in books. Outgoing and friendly, it is the disease of the Sagittarean psyche to speak before thinking, thus finding them self in awkward social situations at times. The two love to begin new projects, but neither have the tenacity to keep them going and they both lose interest equally quickly. Both are eager to move ahead to the next new thing.

Sagittarius is a Mutable Sign. The flirty, exciting Sagi is incredibly easy to get along with, for the most part. Arguments rarely result between them. Both are only too happy to accommodate their significant other. Every so often a stubborn thorn will pop up, but neither partner dwells on this subject and the matter is quickly forgotten.

The best aspect of the Sagittarius-Sagittarius relationship is their enviable compatibility and their shared interest in a quest for knowledge. This pair has found the perfect balance between devotion and giving each other adequate space. Together, this couple will explore the world.

Some New Writing Quotes

Every man usually has something he can do better than anyone else. Usually it is reading his own handwriting.
I’m all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let’s start with typewriters
–Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)

Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.
–Groucho Marx (1890 – 1977)

There is then creative reading as well as creative writing
–Ralph Waldo Emerson

Every writer is a frustrated actor who recites his lines in the hidden auditorium of his skull.
–Rod Serling

Many suffer from the incurable disease of writing and it becomes chronic in their sick minds.
–Juvenal (AD 60-130)

My aim is to put down on paper what I see and what I feel in the best and simplest way.
–Ernest Hemingway (1899-1961)

Writers would be warm, loyal, and otherwise terrific people–if only they’d stop writing.
–Laura Miller from a review of the movie Finding Forrester

Fame often makes a writer vain, but seldom makes him proud.
–W. H Auden English-US poet, dramatist, editor

When I face the desolate impossibility of writing 500 pages, a sick sense of failure falls on me, and I know I can never do it. Then gradually, I write one page and then another. One day’s works is all I can permit myself to contemplate.
–John Steinbeck

Writing is no trouble: you just jot down ideas as they occur to you. The jotting is simplicity itself – it is the occurring which is difficult.
–Stephen Leacock

Omit needless words. Vigorous writing is concise. A sentence should contain no unnecessary words, a paragraph no unnecessary sentences, for the same reason that a drawing should have no unnecessary lines and a machine no unnecessary parts.
–William Strunk, Jr.

Most writers regard truth as their most valuable possession, and therefore are most economical in its use.
–Mark Twain

Another thing that Bezard taught was how to take notes and how to set up card files that are useful a whole lifetime. If I had followed his advice, today I would have a gold mine; none of my early work would have been lost.
–Jean Guitton (1901-1999) A Student’s Guide to Intellectual Work [1951], Ch. 5:

Survival, with honor, that outmoded and all-important word, is as difficult as ever and as all-important to a writer. Those who do not last are always more beloved since no one has to see them in their long, dull, unrelenting, no-quarter-given-and-no-quarter-received, fights that they make to do something as they believe it should be done before they die. Those who die or quit early and easy and with every good reason are preferred because they are understandable and human. Failure and well-disguised cowardice are more human and more beloved.
–Ernest Hemingway (1899-1961)

I read and walked for miles at night along the beach, writing bad blank verse and searching endlessly for someone wonderful who would step out of the darkness and change my life. It never crossed my mind that that person could be me.
–Anna Quindlen

Writing is like cooking…if you spill something, you should make it look like part of the act.
–John Keeble

Writing is a lot like sex. At first you do it because you like it. Then you find yourself doing it for a few close friends and people you like. But if you’re any good at all…you end up doing it for money.

For a creative writer possession of the truth is less important than emotional sincerity.
–George Orwell (1903-1950) English novelist, critic

If the writing is honest it cannot be separated from the man who wrote it.

We are cups, constantly and quietly being filled. The trick is, knowing how to tip ourselves over and let the beautiful stuff out.
–Ray Bradbury

Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self.
–Cyril Connolly

Nothing, not love, not greed, not passion or hatred, is stronger than a writer’s need to change another writer’s copy.
–Arthur Evans

All of us learn to write in the second grade. Most of us go on to greater things.
–Bobby Knight

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.
–T. S. Eliot

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
–Dorothy Parker

All of the books in the world contain no more information than is broadcast as video in a single large American city in a single year. Not all bits have equal value.
–Carl Sagan

Those who write clearly have readers, those who write obscurely have commentators.
–Albert Camus

I didn’t have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead.
–Mark Twain

The man who doesn’t read good books has no advantage over the man who can’t read them.
–Mark Twain

If you can’t annoy somebody, there is little point in writing.
–Kingsley Amis

Asking a writer what he thinks about criticism is like asking a lamppost what it feels about dogs.
–John Osborne

Don't Need Me

I don’t really think I’m ever going to find a man to share my life with. I’m not sure what’s so wrong with me but I it’s something. People can sense it in some weird way, a vibe, a smell, a whatever. I don’t know. The only people who are attracted to me are the needy. Men and young people who need someone to listen to their problems, their life stories and give advice, pretty much anything but money. That’s one commodity I don’t have.

I don’t want to be needed. I want to be wanted, desired, lusted for and at the top of his to do list. Do me, do me cause you want to not cause I asked, not cause I guilted you into it. Do me cause I’m what you want. Be with me cause I’m interesting, attractive, good company and a lot of fun in the bedroom. Don’t bother with me cause I’m a good listener and you need someone to weigh down with your life’s history of problems. I have my own I really really really don’t want yours too.

Why doesn’t anyone really want me? I’m feeling old and worn down by being needed.

Crossed the Border

Crossed the Border
12/12/00 11:50 am

Here I am, sitting in front of my poor email clogged computer in Illinois. Todd is off to work. My brother and I are supposed to meet him for lunch so we can pick up the marriage license. No sign of Graham so far. But after two solid days of driving he is likely sleeping late. I would have gone back to bed too but I have too much to do. Of course, that isn’t stopping me from putting most of it off. 🙂

The border crossing was not a problem. No one looked at my list of stuff and we had the back of the truck well packed with stuff. I crossed at the Detroit tunnel and was stamped without having to ask for it. I think the only thing I was asked was just a confirmation of Todd’s name and our address here.

In the interview at the consulate they didn’t care that Todd didn’t have 3+ years of taxes done. I brought it up when they were collecting the papers and I said we did have the letter from his employer and his bank. The man collecting the papers read the letters and commented that they really like him at work. They do. 🙂 Maybe my bringing it up first was good or maybe having the two letters was more important.

Nothing else about the crossing over stands out in my mind. The customs person in the booth said Graham, my brother, should not go in with me. But the ladies in the parking area sent him in with me. Then inside we just happened to hit on the change of guards and we had the same man we met in the booth when we pulled up. We crossed just before 4 in the afternoon on Sunday.

The wedding is planned for the 14th. Less than a week before my birthday which is one week before Christmas. Its going to be a full month.

Read more of these old posts – Our Adventures with the Fiancé Visa (2000 – 2002)

Re: Medical Experience

Re: Medical Experience
11/2/00 11:59 pm

My medical was in Toronto and cost $195. This included extra for the Mumps shot. (I also got sick right after that, not sure it was mumps though).

For Toronto there was a new doctor’s office listed. New from the information I have found on websites at least. I went to the new place and really lucked out. A family had cancelled so I didn’t have to wait for thing. A man came along later but by then I was nearly done.

This new place is _right_ beside the king subway station in Toronto. If you go there (and I highly recommend it, it was clean and the staff were friendly) leave your car somewhere and take the subway. Parking was hard to find and not cheap. We looked awhile.

Read more of these old posts – Our Adventures with the Fiancé Visa (2000 – 2002)