When Wax Attacks

I don’t know where this came from originally. I wish I did. I’d gladly link back. My Mom posted it on Facebook, that’s how I found it.

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, and play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: ‘Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.’

So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those ‘cold wax’ kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.

No mess, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I’m not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. (‘Cold wax,’ yeah…right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!

OK, so it wasn’t the best feeling, but it wasn’t too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north after checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.

Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip) ..

I inhale deeply and brace myself…RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I’m blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!….OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I’ve only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted.

I think I may pass out…must stay conscious…must stay conscious. Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe…OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy – a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!

There’s no hair on it.

Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip…it’s not! I touch. .. I am touching wax!!

I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake…remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.

Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself ‘Please don’t let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!’
What can I do to melt the wax?

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I’ll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???

*WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub – the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment – I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub…in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn’t melt cold wax.

So, now I’m stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It’s a very good conversation starter ‘So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!’

There is a slight pause. She doesn’t know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, ‘Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?’

She’s laughing out loud by now…I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else’s night. While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I’m pretty sure I’m going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace….the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.

What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and … OH MY GAWD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. Its sooo painful, but I really don’t care.
‘IT WORKS!!

It works!!’ I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair…?

THE HAIR IS STILL HERE…….ALL OF IT!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I’m numb by now. Nothing hurts.
I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I’m going to try hair color……

Now share this one and give your friends a good laugh!

Way Too Many Online Quizes from BlogThings

Your Personality Is

Rational (NT)

You are both logical and creative. You are full of ideas.
You are so rational that you analyze everything. This drives people a little crazy!

Intelligence is important to you. You always like to be around smart people.
In fact, you’re often a little short with people who don’t impress you mentally.

You seem distant to some – but it’s usually because you’re deep in thought.
Those who understand you best are fellow Rationals.

In love, you tend to approach things with logic. You seek a compatible mate – who is also very intelligent.

At work, you tend to gravitate toward idea building careers – like programming, medicine, or academia.

With others, you are very honest and direct. People often can’t take your criticism well.

As far as your looks go, you’re coasting on what you were born with. You think fashion is silly.

On weekends, you spend most of your time thinking, experimenting with new ideas, or learning new things.

Your Blogging Type is Artistic and Passionate

You see your blog as the ultimate personal expression – and work hard to make it great.
One moment you may be working on a new dramatic design for your blog…
And the next, you’re passionately writing about your pet causes.
Your blog is very important – and you’re careful about who you share it with.
Your Dating Purity Score: 64%

You are an under-experienced dater.
This doesn’t mean you’re unexperienced – far from it.
It just means that there’s a lot of romance left to discover!
Your Mood Ring is Dark Green

Friendly
Outgoing
Cheerful
Your Power Color Is Indigo

At Your Highest:

You are on a fast track to success – and others believe in you.

At Your Lowest:

You require a lot of attention and praise.

In Love:

You see people as how you want them to be, not as how they are.

How You’re Attractive:

You’re dramatic flair makes others see you as mysterious and romantic.

Your Eternal Question:

“Does This Work Into My Future Plans?”

Your Love Life Secrets Are

Looking back on your life, you will only have one true love.

You’ve been deeply wounded in the past, and you’re still recovering from that hurt.

You prefer a quirky, unique person to be your lover. You’re easy going about who you’re with, as long as they love you back.

In fights, you speak your mind and don’t hold back. You know you’re right, and you can get quite angry about it.

A break-up usually comes as a shock to you. You always think things are going well.

You Are An Invisible Ex

You’re so over your ex, you hardly even remember you have an ex
You prefer leave all of the baggage behind you – far, far behind
As they say, indifference is the opposite of love!
You Are A Lily

You are a nurturer and all around natural therapist.
People see you as their rock. And they are able to depend on you.
You are a soothing influence. You can make people feel better with a few words.
Your caring has more of an impact than even you realize.
What Flower Are You?
The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you’re told that you’re loved.

You’d like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything… no secrets.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage something you’ve always wanted… though you haven’t really thought about it.

In this moment, you think of love as something you can get or discard anytime. You’re feeling self centered.

I am NOT feeling self centred and I don’t think of love as some
thing to be gotten or discarded so easily. Not if it’s sincere. That fly by night BS is about as important as a Bic lighter. But sincere feelings are not something I feel casual about.

So there! I really should do something else with my day other than taking these self centred online quizzes. 😉

Discuss Theories – Science, Medecine, Religion, Advanced Technology

Discuss Theories – Science, Medecine, Religion, Advanced Technology : “Discuss Science, Medicine, Religion, Philosophy and More”

The site is interesting and fun to read. But, I wonder how long it will take them to notice their typo in the Title meta tag. (It’s reprinted in the title of my blog post).

Life is Precious

Tonight I sent this out as an application for a writing job. I don’t know much about the work or the company. But it sounds interesting, pretty much any paying job sounds interesting, really.

Anyway, I wrote this over a year ago, just about the time my Dad died. It’s still quite nice. I decided to reprint it here. It was one of my BackWash articles when I write a column there called Bewitching Vagabond.

Life is a precious thing. Whether you believe in reincarnation or not, I wouldn’t want to waste this one. I don’t understand suicide bombers, serial killers. One year ago my Dad died and just one month later my brother was in a car accident which could have killed him.

I was thinking about life and death. Not in a gloomy, gothic, bad poetry way. I was thinking about all of it, pushed into one tiny space. Life being the day to day things, your ancestors, our world and our future. Also, karma and fate. Happiness and all those other emotions that bring colour to life.

Do you really appreciate life? What if you had to consider euthanasia? Would you really want to give up on yourself? How bad would things have to be? Do you dare to give up when there are so many advances in medicine and science. Something new to fix, cure or heal you could come along on your own day after. What terrible irony that would be.

Do you really appreciate each day of your life? When did you last take a moment to admire little things in nature. When did you last pick up an interesting rock? When did you last admire the stars or the sky after a good rain or the way everything gets that orange glow for a few moments at sunset. When did you last take a deep breath and be glad you have lungs? So many things so easily taken for granted, forgotten. It all matters. What would life be without them.

Do you really appreciate the people around you, in the world? Do you take a moment to acknowledge people, even a lowly peon of a cashier? Do you thank serving staff when they bring you your coffee? Do you notice when someone does a small kindness like holding open the door? Do you respect and expect good things of people or do you belittle them to make yourself feel less insignificant? What do you see when you look around at all the people in the world. Are they even there for you or do you walk along trying not to be seen or not looking up once, at all.

Life is precious. We don’t know what happens after life is gone. No one has ever come back to let us know.