That much closer to 'over the hill'

Soon I’ll be 39. How does stuff like this keep happening to a nice girl like me? Isn’t 38 old enough? Someone should really put their foot down and stop this whole getting old thing. It’s a really bad habit.

Ok, back to reality. Thought I couldn’t find it, eh? Fooled you.

It still hurts to laugh. Have you ever puked so hard and so deeply that your rib area is sore two days later? I was not drinking and having a hangover. I woke up with what I’ve been calling asthma headaches and soon after I was puking over the bathroom sink. Couldn’t even keep the Tylenol I’d taken for the headache. After trying to distract myself with mindless cartoons on television I finally went back to bed. Donating the last of my stomach lining to the kitchen sink first. I’m sparing you more details but I had a shower to clean myself up after the first round. Aren’t you so glad you’re reading this now? Doesn’t this sound like some old lady talking about her hairy toes, her gout and her arthritis?

I don’t want to be old. People still say I look like I’m in my 20’s. I laugh. Then I laugh some more. Well, not today cause it hurts too much to laugh.

On December 19th, 2003, I’ll become 39. I’m trying to let it sink in a bit at a time now. Like getting tiny amounts of whatever you’re allergic to in order to become immune to it. Like poison. I’m not ready to be old. I’m not ready to be looking 40 in the eyeballs. How can I be this close to 40 already?!! I haven’t done even half the things a woman my age is supposed to have done. Instead I was lolly gagging around. I wasted time being afraid and intimidated, roiling in self doubt. I’m still roiling in self doubt, it keeps me imprisoned inside myself. Everything comes out in the words as I type them. Nothing comes from my eyes, my hands, or my mouth. People see me everyday and know nothing about me. People think they know me when they read what I write but they only know the bare minimalist details. How could they know more? I don’t even know it all yet. I never will, there’s just too much inside to sort it all out and find out where it came from, how it works and what the heck it wants from me.

Do you ever think there are aliens directing you? When I’m writing I sometimes feel like it’s someone else’s brain dictating to my fingers. My fingers just keep typing without caring what my eyes think as they see it all appear on the page in front of me. Kind of like a horror story where you lost all control and can only watch while strange and sometimes dreadful things happen.

Is that bloggish enough? Blogs are so full of dramatic poetry. It’s one of their attractions. To see someone else spin away on some tangent and maybe never quite make sense or even really care to.

So, I’m still here. Still going to turn 39 in just mere weeks. Life isn’t fair. I’m not ready to be one of those older women I used to watch when I was 16.

Black Out 2003

They seem to be calling it that. The only place I’ve had news so far was from the battery operated radio and just now from the AOL site as I logged in. But, I’ve been living it. We just got power back after 24 hours without electricity, water or phones. Everything was gone. I washed my face this morning in water I scooped out of the pool in the backyard. My car is very low on gas but the lines are still very long at the stations so I’m afraid to wait in them and run out while I’m waiting my turn.

It’s been hard doing without flushable toilets, communication and running water. I’ve missed those three things the most.

We still don’t know how long the power will last. It might go off any second and not come on again until Monday. So, this will be a shortish entry. I also, agreed to babysit for my sister tonight and I have to leave soon.

I’m so glad for the pool here today. I went in for a refreshing swim as soon as I came back here from trying to find a bank machine and checking on the rest of the family living around here. We had no radio at the house, no batteries that were working. I heard my radio in the car while driivng or during the time I was at my sister’s house.

Anyway, it’s been interesting. I’ve heard a lot of strories from other people. Some were at a funeral when it went off. Some were on the highway running out of gas. I was fixing a man’s watch at work. I had to fumble around in the dark to find all the pieces and then put them in a little bag so he could take them home. He didn’t want to wait. But, we had no clue the power was off for so many others or for such a great distance. At first we thought it was the fault of construction for the new Home Depot they have been building next door. It was a huge surprise to find out it wasn’t just our store, or our block or our town.

Hope everyone is doing ok. Take care and enjoy the power while you have it.