Trust Yourself

I feel like I’ve been trying to live underwater for most of my life. Not quite part of the world of civilization with everyone else. I’ve been born flawed in some basic way that becomes apparent to everyone within a short time of getting to know me. So, I’ve spent years (generations without actually generating) trying to find the magic answer so I can fix myself. I’ve had a fixation with self fixing. It seemed that if I could just read the right book at the right time, hear the right words from the right person… etc.

I was looking in all the wrong places and the answer was something known to me all along, I just wasn’t really listening. Trust yourself. So simple and so much around me all these years. But, I didn’t do it. I pushed it aside in my quest to be perfect, better, beloved, admired, wanted, desired… well I’m not any of those. I’m just me. If the world came to a screeching end I’d still be just me. I’m pretty ok with that really. I’ve come to like just me. Not everything about me but I’m certainly not horribly off track in being the person I want to be. Nothing I can’t fix as I keep moving ahead.

Trust yourself. I will start doing that. I will trust ME not to let ME down. I will not look to someone else to approve of me or to like me or to tell me I’m ok. I won’t listen to negativity from others, including those echos which come from inside myself and my memories. I will trust myself rather than keep holding myself back waiting for someone else to say I can do it. Or even waiting for someone to come along and rescue me, that old knight in shining armour stepped out of the dog earred bodice ripper.

I will trust myself to do it, cause I already know I can. I feel like I’ve just been waiting for clearance from some outside source. I’m not even sure who, maybe just random people, society at large. But, they don’t really matter. I have myself and I can trust myself cause I don’t want to let myself down. I don’t tell myself I’m hopeless, that has always come from outside of me. I will start denying all those old echos of how useless I am, how I can never accomplish anything I want to do. I will only listen to the optimistic comments now, from inside and outside of myself. I will trust myself to do this too.

Even in a room full of people, you really only have yourself to trust. How did I miss that small point all along?

I feel like some old part of my brain has been burnt out, new information has been copied over the old broken/ damaged cells. I could even feel a burning sensation in my mind a short time ago when I read the following and at last, listened to the words rather than skimming and filing them as not THE Answer I needed.

“It may take awhile to wade through all your resistance, fears, misperceptions, and basic disbelief in yourself – it may take far longer than you think it should. But if you can just go through the process and trust yourself in a basic way not attempted before, the joy will be yours. Like a muscle, your vision and creative instincts will become stronger, clearer and more vital each time you connect with them. Your commitment will strengthen, and with it, the world will cooperate in ways you never would have expected. Little signposts will appear along the way, offering support and encouragement. People will show up, bringing challenges, ideas or information. Your dream will begin to materialize, the result of nothing more than finally listening to the still, small voice from within.” Suzanne Falter-Barns ‘How Much Joy Can You Stand’

She’s not saying we are alone in the world and neither am I. But, under it all we have ourselves and it’s up to ourselves to filter out the negative and trust ourselves to accomplish and succeed and make ourselves happy. We are in the world, apart of it, but we have to stand up and take our own steps if we want to get where we want to be.

"The challenge is to say almost nothing, at least very little."

Sagittarius Horoscope for 9/27 – 10/3

This week’s scenario is highlighted by some sharp words that could get your week off to a rough start.

You’re usually the last one to argue, but you may need to stand up for yourself.

Travel may be a bit more complicated than usual.

Short tempers only make the trip longer.

You may, in fact, really be fighting about an old issue.

Take a good look and see if that’s not the case.

Messages come from near and far.

Your inbox will likely be filled with letters to answer, calls to make, and faxes and e-mails that require response.

If you get that brain of yours in high gear, you’ll be able to make all the deadlines.

It’s not that you’re so organized, but rather that your mind can move so quickly when you’re in the flow.

Your intelligence should shine brightly.

Show the world what you can do.

You tend to be straightforward with people.

You may need to use a more indirect approach to sharing and communication.

The challenge is to say almost nothing, at least very little.

You can chitchat without complications, but you should give out important personal and business information only when necessary. Gossip can be very destructive here. Give ’em your best smile, but leave them guessing about the details.

This horoscope provided by Astrology Source. Learn about your inner self, friends, and lovers.

Sagittarius – Your Love Profile

Your positive traits:
Your playful nature brings out the happy inner-child in dates
You’re willing to take risks in love… and reap the rewards
You’ve got a killer sense of humor that gets talking with any hottie you meet

Your negative traits:
Sometimes your sarcasm comes off as biting and abrasive
You can be brutally honest, tactless, and truthful even when it hurts
You’re such a free spirit that you find it hard to commit to one person

Your ideal partner:
Someone high energy who will pick up and out with you whenever
Is creative and fun – thinking of new adventures for the two of you
Is bold… and not afraid to tell you “I love you” early on

Your dating style:
Unpredictable. You never know how the night is going to end up.

Your seduction style:
Daring. You’re always pushing to try something new in the bedroom.
Full of imagination. You’ve always got a new fantasy you’re dying to try.
Spritually driven. Sex for you can be an other-worldy act.

Tips for the future:
Realize that while freedom is great – sometimes a stable relationship is better.
It’s not all about you. Focus on your parnter’s needs every once and a while.
Make up your mind about your parnter, and stick to it. Your fickle will ruin things otherwise.

Best place to meet someone online:

Where there’s tons of flirting and fun to suite your inner extrovert

Best color to attract mate: Purple

Best day for a date: Thursday

My Dad is Gone

I don’t exactly miss him but I do feel sad that his life ended, his time ran out. But, I also feel a little angry that he let it happen. Not that he could have done much differently at the end, when it was already too late. But, he could have done something far earlier about his heart. You don’t get 80% blockage over night. He also had diabetes yet still ate pretty much the same sugar and grease as always. He made his choices. He didn’t get the doctors to really checkhis heart until he was having chest pains every day. Anyway, it doesn’t really matter any more. You can whine about spilled milk but it won’t put Humpty Dumpty back together.

It’s strange to know he is dead but not feel it. Also, last night, I had creepy feelings that I would see him (as he looked in the hospital) in the hall at the house. Standing there looking dead. Silly, but that’s what happens to you when you are alone in the house of renovations and have far too much imagination.

As far as I know the only one of us to get any memorable last words from him was my brother. Dad told him not to feel bad about all the lifting and such he had done. Maybe even Dad was able to look outside himself enough to see that Graham would be thinking about that, feeling guilty and wondering if he could have done things differently. Not that he could. Dad liked to be the martyr, poor me. He would tell other people all about how he had to do it all himself. Never mentioning that he never asked for help, let anyone know he was doing anything that he could use help with. He’d only announce that he needed help when he was done and then he would only tell us to blame us for not being there.

Anyway, no memorable last words for me. Unless you count the usual stuff about how useless I am, how ugly I am and how I will never do well. Ne’er do well. That could be engraved on my tombstone. It feels like my middle name by now. So, that stuff can’t count as last words since it became pretty much standard, a given each time he was around me.

I used to wonder if there was some kind of final judgement. I think for each person who believes in each god and religion you do have the kind of final wind up that you are expecting. Not even cause it’s real just cause you play it out for yourself. Maybe even before you are fully dead. Of course no one will ever proove that theory. Anyway, I used to wonder if for Dad’s final judgement someone would show him how all his words affected his family. Me in particular of course, but not only me. I wondered if he would regret his words and his actions. I’d like to think that he would if he ever could finally understand how difficult he made things for each of us. How hard it was to be his daughter.

Not that I want to sound like a whiner or speak ill of the dead. But, he was my Dad, not yours. So you can’t sit in judgement of me cause you don’t know. I do seem to feel the need to please more than I would like. But, I find that when I break from that other people act like I am horribly nasty. It’s as if nice people have to be door mats and let the world run over them. But I think you can be nice and not be stupid or a door mat either. Being nice is not the same as being simple or stupid.

It’s now 4:07 AM. Not a lot of sleeping lately, one way or another. I’m at my sisters house tonight, sleeping on the couch with a view of the street. I like the view, the lights and the darkness. It’s peaceful and relaxing at night when there is no traffic. Just the the birds, soon. They aren’t even awake yet but they will be soon.

Zack accidentally bent the frames of my glasses, twice yesterday evening. So aggravating to feel like I’m looking out of fishbowl now. I hope to find some place open to fix them today. But, it’s a holiday here so likely I will have to stick with them as is till Tuesday. I hear young Zack up now. Too early but he is a kid. I used to be an extra early riser too. I guess I still am but now I’m old enough to put myself back to bed.