ASCII is Me

I really do like my ASCII art. In some ways I like it even more than my writing and that says a lot. I love writing, the act of it especially. But, the ASCII art is something more. It is partially a skill I never thought I had and yet there it is right on the page in front of me, showing me how “Yes, you silly grrl, you can do it!”. So, I’m proud of my ASCII art. I have found a way to convert it to a graphic image file too. So you can see some of it live and in person. Right now it’s a little dragon.

Here is more:

If that link is a dud just hang on. I was moving things over yesterday and possibly I have slipped up on the URL. That’s where it will end up.

The Outcast Smurf

If you think about it, there is always an outcast in every story, even the Smurfs had that grumpy guy that never fit in and was kind of tolerated rather than really accepted and etc. Gilligan’s Island had Gilligan. Sure, he was the namesake of the show but he was tolerated, the group simpleton, but he was not someone who really fit in. I seem to be the Outcast Smurf often. I never quite figure out why this is and I’m not being melodramatic or whining. Just writing my own monologue as usual.

I am no longer writing for SK. Do I miss it? No. I wasn’t sure what I would be thinking or feeling at first. I put it on the back burner and dealt with all the other feelings awhile. That’s where the Outcast Smurf deal comes from. I’ve always been that odd one out. From a kid in school to the present. I’m ok with it, I don’t mind being alone. In a lot of ways it is much simpler than dealing with people and all their politics. Anyway, do you really want to keep people around who abandon you when you have tough times? No, there isn’t anything anyone can do to help but at least you would think they could not toss you overboard. Well, so what? Onwards, I have my own life raft tucked away in my handy backpack. I’ve rescued myself countless times already. I didn’t even cry more than a minute this time.

Bugger it all. You can’t say bugger it around too many people. They give you sort of shocked and funny/ odd looks. I doubt they know what ‘bugger it’ means, for me, personally. It would loosely translate as ‘be damned’ maybe. Likely you have your own phrase of choice for those times when you throw in the towel, pick up your toys and move along. Or when you know you are about a hundred dollars short on paying the rent this month and you say ‘bugger it’ and treat yourself to breakfast out for an extra $5. What huge difference will another 5 make when you’re already short 100. Just think bugger it and get on with the slow crawl to where ever you’re eventually winding up.

What else can I babble on about uselessly now….?

There is a guy at work, I don’t know if he is married or single. But, at first, I was watching him and then playing up when I knew he was listening (or able to hear). But, when he never made any approach or showed that he knew I was on the planet especially I just started not bothering. Yes, I watched him, but more as a writer than a woman looking for possibilities. Turns out that he knows my name. Sure we wear our names on our chests at work, nametags. But, he knew my name enough to use it twice now. I don’t think he could have seen my tag at the time either. For one thing he was too far away the other day. The time before I was serving a customer (I’m a cashier at a store) and the tag wasn’t very visible as I was reaching into the register for change. But, does it matter when (point A) I don’t know if he is married or single and (point B) he has not asked me out for coffee or anything else. Such is my dating history, pretty much flat lining.

I didn’t do much for St. Patrick’s Day. It was kind of nice working that day even though I was hoping I would have the day off. I always consider it a family holiday for my Grandmother and her sisters, County Cork, Ireland. I think it was Cork, she won’t be too impressed with me if I’ve remembered wrong now. She isn’t around to remind me. Anyway, it’s her day and I miss her. I wore green pants to work and Lillian brought in shamrock stickers which she passed out to everyone. She stuck one on my face which was kind of funny, a shamrock beauty mark.

I may quit the job on Sunday when I have my review. Odd timing that the review came up now. I picked up an application for Zehrs today, same job but no credit card selling. Same lifting of endless mountains of stuff. Oh how I hate stuff, cartloads of it. People just can’t know how I cringe inside as they wheel it all up. Worse only are the people who ignore me or are out right grumps. What is it like to live like that and why would they choose to be that way? Can’t they see how being pleasant is so much better in so many ways? Also, I give discounts to people who are chatty and pleasant. The others can bugger it, I don’t go out of my way for them. “You thought it was on sale, oh? Ho-hum, I guess it’s not. Do you still want it?” If only they knew that a little eye contact, a smile, a few words of social pleasantness could have gotten them somewhere. Instead they are no where, just living in the land of grumpiness where they can remain and likely will. Likely they think everyone is just like they are. You tend to find what you expect to find. I expect better and usually find it, even if I do coax it out of people. It does make the day pass by a lot faster. I will never understand those grumpers, what kind of a life is that?

Not writing for SK is kind of liberating. I had a couple of other things on the go but I let them get crowded out to be there for SK and such. Now, I can re-sort the priorities and I am even going to work on getting out an article for one of the writing magazines. There’s a worthy goal. 🙂

Also, I was in Dmoz tonight and found a site by a woman chef with kids, husband and her own business. It was a nice site, pretty graphics and recipes and a forum and other stuff I didn’t really get into looking at. But, I was thinking that here is a site and a woman I would like to interview and she might not have wanted to be interviewed as part of SK. But, now I could do something on my own. But, do I want to run a site for women? One, there are quite a lot of them out there. Two, do I want more stuff I HAVE to do? Three, what for? I think three is winning out. Yes, it would be nice but what for? Web content should have a purpose and a focus, I don’t have a tight enough grip on either of those to start taking leaping lizards all over the place. It isn’t something I will just forget about, but… I get endless ideas, ambitions and passions that I have to narrow it down to things that are actually important and workable enough. Practical too.

I found a couple of quotes tonight. The first was in a magazine I browsed while I was out. The second came from the chef’s website GirlyRose.com and I found the third myself when I went looking for more Agatha Christie quotes.

“We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” – Joseph Campbell

“I like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all I still know quite certainty that just to be alive is a grand thing.” – Agatha Christie

“Most successes are unhappy. That’s why they are successes – they have to reassure themselves about themselves by achieving something that the world will notice.” -Agatha Christie

People are like leaves

How do trees feel standing out there all winter, barren of leaves? I seem to be the sort of person that gets dumped a lot, by everyone. Some day I will sort it all out. Doesn’t really seem to matter though. Get over it, learn to be alone cause life is long and comes to a sudden stop.

I wish I had more things to look forward to in my life. It just seems that one nephew and my Mother are not really enough to counter everything else.

Today I did laundry, actually got out there and went to the laundry mat, spent half of the money I have to wash clothes. Mainly work clothes for that hopeless, horrible job that doesn’t pay much of anything any more. I can’t even go out for coffee really. Sometimes I do, just cause there should be things in life like going out for coffee. What are you doing with your life if you just work and pay bills? If you can’t enjoy something, even something small…

It’s so cold tonight here. My hands are like blocks of ice. The MasterPainter has gotten inspired to actually get something painted. He has been working the last three nights on the big bedroom. So I am smelling and sleeping with paint fumes everyday and night. It’s giving me a headache. Not quite easy on the asthma either. Funny that he only paints when my brother kindly reminds him. Men only listen to men I guess. Women are just mindless, useless cattle.

I think I am a cash cow at the store. It seems they really are going out of their way to make customers hate us. Not only do we spam them determinely for credit cards but we have to make them wait while we do paperwork for each item that doesn’t scan or otherwise come up on the computer. We are not allowed to type in any more bar codes either. Much better for the inventory if we keep customers waiting while the service people hustle around to find another item which will scan, maybe. Anyway, on and on and on. The days just keep going through my life.

Tomorrow is St. Patrick’s Day. I always think of my Grandmother then. It’s a shame you can’t just get tired of your life and hand it over to someone else. Here Granny, come and finish this for me. What would she do I wonder? If she was not old (not too old anyway) and living in these times of computers and whatever else is so good about these days. I knew her when she was old and had been formed by her life. If she could go back and do things again who would she be? No one gets to find out. It’s a shame cause someone else could probably be doing a lot better with this life than I am.

I could save a bit more if I cancel the Internet connection. Now that I’m not writing for SK it really isn’t necessary. The phone could go too. I’d be able to afford gas for the car this month if I had known that earlier. Too late for this month. Likely my Mom would worry if she couldn’t at least send me an email to tell me how much she misses me and to remind me about watering plants, reminding Peter to paint, reminding me of all the bills and car licence renewals and etc endlessly. Next pay day is the 24th and I might have just enough on that cheque to pay the rent but there will be nothing left for anything else. The joke is that I will not be able to go in to work. The bigger joke is that I won’t have a pay cheque if I have no hours at work. The even bigger joke is me. Surely this is all a TV show somewhere and the little aliens are busting the green guts laughing at The Born Loser. But, I’m so good at it.

I thought the best description of a blog was an online scrapbook. I have revised that, it’s now a place you can talk to yourself without having to actually listen. Space to rant. I have comments turned off so I don’t have to listen to anyone. I changed my email tonight too. Perfect, don’t look back, don’t ever turn your head and risk falling twice.

Blue Lantern Journal of Creativity

Blue Lantern Journal of Creativity

“But when the self speaks to the self, who is speaking? The entombed soul, the spirit driven in, in, in to the central catacomb; the self that took the veil and left the world — a coward perhaps, yet somehow beautiful, as it flits with its lantern restlessly up and down the dark corridors.” – Virginia Woolf

“Sometimes I think creativity is magic; it’s not a matter of finding an idea, but allowing the idea to find you.” – Maya Lin.

Do not seek to follow in the footsteps of the wise. Seek what they sought. – Matsuo Basho

InkyGirl from InkSpot reviewed HerCorner

Inkygirl – A weblog for writers who work from home

“Hercorner.com is part of HerPlanet.com and focuses on resources and inspiration for women who write. The site includes some useful articles on specific writing topics, like writing contests, historical fiction for children, and how to write synopses. Too many writing sites tend to have vague ‘how anyone can get published’ how-to articles with little practical advice these days; this site was a welcome change. I’m not crazy about some of the ads which have nothing to do with writing (moving services? ceramic flat irons?) but then again, I can’t blame the Webmaster for looking for a way to financially support the site. Definitely worth checking out, even if you’re not a woman. :-)”

Debbie reviewed my old site. A good review too. What a shame HerCorner became a dinosaur. I really need to get in gear and work on making another writing site. I was doing ok with it. Debbie was the person behind InkSpot, the best writing site ever. If she thought my work on HerCorner was good that is a sign I should be doing it again.

I have to leave for work now. It will be late when I come home but I don’t have to start till 4:00 tomorrow. Maybe… who knows. 🙂 I miss writing a writing site. I was even doing the WordCraft newsletter at BackWash weekly. There isn’t any reason I can’t combine all my past greatness with fresh greatness and make an even better site. Plus, I don’t need ads, unless I want them.