Why Don’t More Women Dom Men?

CaptureI think there would be far more women as BDSM Dominants if women understood what it really is. The male version is just a fantasy, their fantasy. The porn version is fiction, created for men who like the fantasy. So, women don’t really see what Domming is, just the FemDom fiction.

A woman who likes to Dom is not mean, vicious or nasty. It’s not about causing harm or taking out your frustrations. It’s about power, fun, creativity, romance and sensuality, among other things. I like to focus on the creativity and sensuality. (That makes it fun for me).

How many women would love to have control of their man if they really did have control? Tell him what you want, how you want it and when you want it… and he obeys. It works for the men who are submissive too.

There is no guarantee of sex with BDSM. Sex isn’t used as a reward or punishment. In Dominance and submission he doesn’t obey in order to get sex. He doesn’t obey because you command him, like a drill sergeant. He doesn’t obey because you’re wearing tight black leather and high heels. It’s not about worshipping women either, though some like to add that in. He obeys because he wants to, this is what he wants. He wants to obey. He wants to be a good boy. He wants to be happy, with you.

Have you ever told a man he’s a “good boy”? Watch his face. Those are powerful words. As a Dominant woman you can get a lot of mileage out of “good boy”. Play with it sometime. You don’t have to try anything else, just slip a “good boy” into the conversation. You can say it softly, romantically, sensually. Or, say it with power, energy and a little forcefulness.

Subtle, Simple Ways for Women to Dip into Domination

  • Hold his hand. Take his hand as you cross the street. Lead him by the hand and walk in front of him.
  • Order for him. You don’t need to order him around. Try ordering for him at a restaurant before he lets the server know what he wants.
  • Dress him. Tell him what you want him to wear next time you go out together. Pick out clothes that look good on him and tell him so if he objects.
  • Kiss him first. Pick a moment when it won’t lead to anything else. Just a quick, impulsive kiss, or a fondle, caress, tickle…
  • Ask him to touch you and tell him how to do it right (as you want to be touched). Anything from rubbing your shoulders, warming your hands, or stroking your back. It’s up to you.
  • Accept thanks and compliments from him. Don’t be modest or turn away positive comments. Reward him with a smile instead and thank him too.

None of these things are Earth shattering. But, you can get a feeling for being in power in your relationship. You can see how fun it is and start to want more. Also, as you take charge you begin to ask for more, expect more and then it’s just a step farther to telling him you’re going to try something new… like blindfolding him or not letting him touch you with his hands while you have your own way with him.

For women who really enjoy Domination it’s not about wearing tight costumes, carrying a whip or being a bitch. Those can be elements of it, if that’s what you actually want. But, BDSM can be all about sensuality and pleasure. As a Dominant woman you just do it YOUR way. The hard part is sticking to doing it your way and not letting things slip into giving him what he wants while you wait for it to be over. There is nothing so dull and boring as being a McDomme, a woman doing what he wants, his way and wishing you had brought along a good book for yourself.

2 thoughts on “Why Don’t More Women Dom Men?”

  1. Utterly thorough, accurate, and generally fantastic essay! I’ve been doing this a long time and I never had trouble introducing “vanilla” women to more than a bit of D/s…….once I learned to let go of my ‘script’ and expectations (to a degree, let’s face it, in a relationship everyone has some level of expectation) and let her discover her own joy in being in charge.

    So your point really hit home with me, because I always hear men bemoan their “Dommeless existence”. I have trouble understanding why they have so much difficulty…..but I’ve come to think as you do.

    All that said, there is also a lot of variety in life and some people are just wired a certain way. No matter how encouraging a guy might be, he is not going to convert a submissive woman, since that’s who she is. But if the inkling is there to be dominant, even if it’s just a spark……the right approach can get a good passionate fire burning.

    Again, magnificent job in putting this to women. I hope some listen and give it a try. It can be a liberating and exhilarating journey.

    1. Thank you. I wish more men who want to be submissive understood that it means they have to make space for her to be dominant, and letting her find her way. I began as not labelling myself. But when I was married I took the submissive role and we played a little, cautiously. Later I was undecided and thought switch suited me. Mainly, it gave others a direction when they wanted to include me. Realistically, I’d say I’m just a person, though Domme is more fun and I don’t like leaving myself open to letting someone else make my decisions or tell me what they want while ignoring or not considering what I want. Also, I have a lot of imagination so it’s hard to take a back seat when there are so many ideas spinning around in my head. Fun for sum and Dom, but mostly me. 🙂

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