Domme in Daily Life: 30 Days of Dominance

Day 2 – Describe what you are looking for in a submissive and the techniques you might use to instill those characteristics in your submissive. Are you exclusively Dominant in marriage or just in the bedroom? Are you Dominant only in the context of a scene or in a role or throughout your daily life? Are you Dominant to play partners or only in the context of a relationship?

I Don’t Entirely Agree with the BDSM Test

== Results from bdsmtest.org ==
84% Primal (Hunter)
83% Dominant
67% Daddy/Mommy
63% Owner
59% Degrader
56% Rigger
50% Experimentalist
48% Switch
48% Vanilla
44% Master/Mistress
42% Sadist
37% Pet
36% Submissive
29% Girl/Boy
23% Rope bunny
18% Non-monogamist
18% Ageplayer
10% Brat
10% Slave
8% Primal (Prey)
4% Masochist
1% Exhibitionist
1% Voyeur
0% Degradee

A Well Kept Man

It’s weird, but this makes him look more like a woman than men dressing up as women.

We get so focused on women being just parts. These parts in particular. I guess when the focus is the same parts for a male I still have the association.

Also, I don’t see all the cosmetics, frills and such as being something that makes a woman.  I don’t wear make-up myself. Does anyone else get that feeling from this image? Or, will I get more comments about how hateful I am? (Still makes me laugh a little).

Source: Mister Kristofer

Gay men BDSM sites often have good fantasy fare. But, overall it’s more fun to watch than to try to do it myself. Something like this would be fun for awhile but… for all the time it would take to get him into this, I don’t think the fun (for me) would be enough to make it worthwhile. Still, leaving him that way awhile (not unsupervised!) would probably give him a lot of subspace time. Especially if he knew I was still around but didn’t know what I was up to. I could be washing dishes but he could imagine I was up to all kinds of more interesting (for him) things. I could have fake phone conversations to really get him thinking, the mind fuck.

Labels in BDSM: 30 Days of Dominance

Day 1 – Does your Dominance – either what you practice or what you strive for – have a label? Do you view your preferred Dominant style as Taken in Hand, Domestic Discipline, Top/bottom, Dominant/submissive, Master/slave, Owner/pet, or some other description or combination? If you do not use a label, why?

Labels can work as a general description. A label can communication to someone else much easier than trying to pin point and cover every nuance and detail of what you are doing and why you do it.

A label can confine, limit and set you up with a lot of standards and expectations – if you deal with people who care about belonging to a group or niche within that label. Trying to keep the group “pure” so they can have their club means they have to set rules to keep people out. Everyone can’t belong to the group/ niche. This is where labels become too important and strict.

I prefer a label as just a general description. I do understand the group mentality, but I like to adapt, evolve and generally have the space to do things as I choose. Group acceptance comes to those who confidently set the fashions. After all, every group needs leaders.

I like Domestic Discipline, owner/ pet and a merge of styles. I also like to come up with my own ideas. Someone might take the time to label and categorize them. That seems less important to me.

Introduction to Light Bondage

How to Dom with Light Bondage

  • Restraints
  • Sensual Deprivation
  • Discipline
  • Safety

Restraints

Restraints are rope, cuffs, etc. Start with something you can easily work with, safely. You want your submissive to be able to get out of the bondage quickly if things suddenly become too intense. Also, you don’t want to start out making a lot of fancy knots then discover you can’t get them all undone again. Any restraint used must be tested before you start using it as bondage.

Restraints don’t have to be physical. Mental bondage is a lovely thing and great for beginners. You have the power to control your submissive – knowing his bondage is not enforced by anything but his own decision to obey. There is more power in a submissive obedient by choice rather than ropes, chains, leather, etc.

Sensual Deprivation

Sensual deprivation is an element of bondage. Blindfolds are less complicated than some methods which include a full hood over the head. Also, a blindfold is simple for beginners to use and experiment with. Don’t take away more than one of the five senses at a time (for a beginner in bondage). Keep it fun rather than making them go from nervous and uncertain to actually being afraid.

Think of sensual deprivation as the element of surprise. Use it to tease and give your submissive less control. Build suspense and anticipation. While using a blindfold, narrate everything you are doing or plan to do. While they are in restraints you have taken away their ability to use their hands. A blindfold limits what they can see so they strain a little to use the senses they have left. Make sure you use as many senses as you can when you deprive them of one, or more.

Discipline

Discipline includes spanking but is not limited to just that. Discipline can be a punishment. Discipline can be a set of rules or standards to be kept by the submissive. There is a lot you can do with discipline as mental and physical bondage.

You may have heard of domestic discipline. Spanking is usually included with this. The submissive is treated like a child or dog being trained. They are expected to perform tasks, mainly house cleaning. They may be expected to wear aprons.

The Gor books by John Norman inspired another branch of kinkiness which follows a strict discipline and set or orders. Lesser known are the books by Sharon Green who wrote a female Dom series set on other planets involving men and women being taken from Earth. I especially like her books myself.

Safety

Safety matters. I’m not making it first on my list but it should always be part of your considerations and planning. Anything you bring into play during your bondage should be tested out and practiced with. You don’t want to struggle with toys, tools or feel incompetent in the heat of the moment when you are both wound up.

Safety includes some time afterwards, to wind down, get feedback and care for your submissive: aftercare. Don’t skip aftercare. This time is good for the submissive to feel cared for, literally. The Dom also needs this time to wind down, release emotions and reconnect with their partner.

FemDom in Submission

Usually I sort out FemDom art by how it appeals to me. Mainly, does it look realistic or just a performance focused on him. This image really appeals to me because she is tied up but still looks just as involved and empowered as a Domme. This really is a power exchange and she isn’t giving up a thing just because she lets him tie her up. Source: Evelyne et Tiburce | Gracy Gimp’ drawings

BDSM Test

I don’t agree with the placement of Sadist or Ageplayer. But, no test is perfect.

== Results from http://bdsmtest.org/ ==
96% Dominant
91% Bondage giver
75% Master/Mistress
67% Owner
58% Switch
58% Primal (Hunter)
57% Degradation giver
56% Daddy/Mommy
56% Sadist
53% Brat tamer
50% Experimentalist
44% Pet
39% Brat
39% Vanilla
38% Bondage receiver
30% Primal (Prey)
28% girl/boy
26% Submissive
21% Masochist
19% Ageplayer
16% Voyeur
15% Exhibitionist
12% Non-monogamist
4% All-Rounder
2% Slave
0% Degradation receiver
See my results online at http://bdsmtest.org/result.php?id=463572

Source: Test 

Do People Play BDSM Online to Skip the Aftercare?

I know people who will only play online. They say they are into BDSM but I don’t agree. They are missing two important parts of the whole BDSM relationship. The actual parts which make it a relationship.

Is that why they don’t want to have anything real? If it were real, would that make it too real for them?

So what are they missing, you may be wondering. First, the reality. How does it really feel to experience your fantasies, fetishes and kinks? How does it feel physically, emotionally and mentally. Second, the after care.

BDSM online doesn’t involve aftercare. It’s all over once the climax happens. Each person leaves, some leave even before the end, some leave right after the end and some make excuses (not always polite) and leave.

It’s so easy to leave that way. You don’t have a real connection, just an Internet connection. Nothing like a real relationship where you share the same space emotionally, mentally and physically.

No wonder people doubt the sincerity and authenticity of online play. It really isn’t actually real. Not just the lack of commitment but the lack of real contact at all. Online play lacks real involvement, responsibility and shared emotion. No matter what anyone thinks or feels, it is all one sided.

I know because I have done online play. Not dabbled in it but actually spent months and years playing that way. I defended it then too. But, I knew reality was very different. I had reality with my husband. (No I was not cheating on him, we weren’t married very long and I played before and after).

Online play is lonely.

Online play leaves you wanting more. That only works in show business. Wanting more is not good when it happens to you. It makes you needy, clingy and very sad.

Anyway, it’s a shame there is no aftercare with online play. It could make all the difference to the people involved. But, I think that is the attraction for most of them. Even as they yearn for something real they don’t want to give anything real to someone else. They seek care but want it all for themselves. Is that why there are so many more women as BDSM submissives than Domme online?

So many interesting questions and I’m just here talking to myself. But, it’s real. Until I find someone who can share something real with me I’d rather be alone than feel even more alone while I’m with someone else.

Once a BDSM scene has physically ended, the connection between Dom and sub is still very much active, learn how best to deal with aftercare.

Source: The Importance of Aftercare | bdsm-talk.co.uk

Kinky Sex Tips For Curious Girls

Source: 7 Kinky Sex Tips For Curious Vanilla Girls – The Frisky

  • Initiate a kink conversation
  • Start off slow
  • Do some erotic brainstorming
  • Tantalize your partner’s senses
  • Be creative
  • Use safe words
  • Have a post-kink debrief

Not the best list. To start with, initiating a conversation about sex (kinky sex) would be a big deal.  How many non-kinky women are going to jump right in that way? Not many.

Leave some hints, without being too subtle. But, only IF this is a guy you can really trust to try something kinky with. Women starting out as submissive need to educate themselves about kinks, fetishes and BDSM before letting him lead you blindly. A safe word is not enough. By the time things get to needing a safe word it’s already gone too far. Start slow is the best advice in this list. The second best is to have a talk afterwards. Even if you feel silly or shy, especially if you feel upset, talk about it within the hour. Talk about it again later when your feelings have sorted themselves out a bit. Talk again before you try anything else.

Be creative, in the way of taking things slow. Adapt the stuff you have seen in movies, magazines, online into something mild and saner. No matter how into it you think you are (or he says he is) take time to find out how you really feel when you are actually in the situation. It’s all a lot different when it’s real. Plus, you have to live with it, have memories of it.

For submissive women – don’t assume anyone claiming to be a dominant actually knows what they are doing. Don’t trust someone too easily. Submission is giving up control but not being a door mat and having no power or voice at all.

For dominant women – don’t be led into doing what he wants. Discover what you want and do things your own way. Domming can get very boring if you really aren’t interested in what you’re doing.

Keep each other safe along the way. Communicate with each other and find kinky communities locally and/ or online to get real advice from.