Introduction to Light Bondage

How to Dom with Light Bondage

  • Restraints
  • Sensual Deprivation
  • Discipline
  • Safety

Restraints

Restraints are rope, cuffs, etc. Start with something you can easily work with, safely. You want your submissive to be able to get out of the bondage quickly if things suddenly become too intense. Also, you don’t want to start out making a lot of fancy knots then discover you can’t get them all undone again. Any restraint used must be tested before you start using it as bondage.

Restraints don’t have to be physical. Mental bondage is a lovely thing and great for beginners. You have the power to control your submissive – knowing his bondage is not enforced by anything but his own decision to obey. There is more power in a submissive obedient by choice rather than ropes, chains, leather, etc.

Sensual Deprivation

Sensual deprivation is an element of bondage. Blindfolds are less complicated than some methods which include a full hood over the head. Also, a blindfold is simple for beginners to use and experiment with. Don’t take away more than one of the five senses at a time (for a beginner in bondage). Keep it fun rather than making them go from nervous and uncertain to actually being afraid.

Think of sensual deprivation as the element of surprise. Use it to tease and give your submissive less control. Build suspense and anticipation. While using a blindfold, narrate everything you are doing or plan to do. While they are in restraints you have taken away their ability to use their hands. A blindfold limits what they can see so they strain a little to use the senses they have left. Make sure you use as many senses as you can when you deprive them of one, or more.

Discipline

Discipline includes spanking but is not limited to just that. Discipline can be a punishment. Discipline can be a set of rules or standards to be kept by the submissive. There is a lot you can do with discipline as mental and physical bondage.

You may have heard of domestic discipline. Spanking is usually included with this. The submissive is treated like a child or dog being trained. They are expected to perform tasks, mainly house cleaning. They may be expected to wear aprons.

The Gor books by John Norman inspired another branch of kinkiness which follows a strict discipline and set or orders. Lesser known are the books by Sharon Green who wrote a female Dom series set on other planets involving men and women being taken from Earth. I especially like her books myself.

Safety

Safety matters. I’m not making it first on my list but it should always be part of your considerations and planning. Anything you bring into play during your bondage should be tested out and practiced with. You don’t want to struggle with toys, tools or feel incompetent in the heat of the moment when you are both wound up.

Safety includes some time afterwards, to wind down, get feedback and care for your submissive: aftercare. Don’t skip aftercare. This time is good for the submissive to feel cared for, literally. The Dom also needs this time to wind down, release emotions and reconnect with their partner.

Pretty Collar for BDSM Beginners

A smart, yet big, collar for anyone beginning BDSM and trying the reality of a collar. This collar will feel firm around the neck, be noticeable if you want to wear it in public but, it is easy to remove should there be any unexpected trouble. Even if the ribbons knot you can still get out of it quickly (just cut the ribbons).

Soft black mesh neck cuff A mesh and black satin neck cuff. This luxurious piece laces up the front with gloss black elastic loops and black satin

Source: Neck Collar Cuff by nearerthemoon on Etsy

Kinky Sex Tips For Curious Girls

Source: 7 Kinky Sex Tips For Curious Vanilla Girls – The Frisky

  • Initiate a kink conversation
  • Start off slow
  • Do some erotic brainstorming
  • Tantalize your partner’s senses
  • Be creative
  • Use safe words
  • Have a post-kink debrief

Not the best list. To start with, initiating a conversation about sex (kinky sex) would be a big deal.  How many non-kinky women are going to jump right in that way? Not many.

Leave some hints, without being too subtle. But, only IF this is a guy you can really trust to try something kinky with. Women starting out as submissive need to educate themselves about kinks, fetishes and BDSM before letting him lead you blindly. A safe word is not enough. By the time things get to needing a safe word it’s already gone too far. Start slow is the best advice in this list. The second best is to have a talk afterwards. Even if you feel silly or shy, especially if you feel upset, talk about it within the hour. Talk about it again later when your feelings have sorted themselves out a bit. Talk again before you try anything else.

Be creative, in the way of taking things slow. Adapt the stuff you have seen in movies, magazines, online into something mild and saner. No matter how into it you think you are (or he says he is) take time to find out how you really feel when you are actually in the situation. It’s all a lot different when it’s real. Plus, you have to live with it, have memories of it.

For submissive women – don’t assume anyone claiming to be a dominant actually knows what they are doing. Don’t trust someone too easily. Submission is giving up control but not being a door mat and having no power or voice at all.

For dominant women – don’t be led into doing what he wants. Discover what you want and do things your own way. Domming can get very boring if you really aren’t interested in what you’re doing.

Keep each other safe along the way. Communicate with each other and find kinky communities locally and/ or online to get real advice from.

Beginners Guide for Becoming a Male Submissive

The BDSM experience is different for men and women, in several ways. Women are more careful about meeting men. Women may be looking for romance and affection, a relationship while men really just want sex. Women tend to get pushed into things they really don’t want to do, in order to keep the peace.

I often read people (men) claiming women into Domming are rare. In my experience this is not true. I encounter many women who would enjoy Domming men, if they could find one who meets their needs.

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Being a male submissive may not be what you think it is at all

There are very few men who understand what a Dom woman is looking for, what she actually wants. She does not want to be the Dom you see in pornography. If you are looking for a woman to fulfill all your porno fantasies of what male submission should be… pay for it. Professional sex workers will dress the part and read from whatever script you want, do it your way (as long as safety is considered) and give you what you want as you expect to have it.

Real women who Dom, just because they want to, will want to do things their own way. Real women Doms have their own fantasies, their own desires and plans for play, teasing, romance, seduction, torment and all their own fetishes and kinks. They will want you to please them and that may not include any of the fetishes and kinks you have been fantasizing about.

A real woman may not want a man slobbering on her shoes or expecting to wear her underwear, for instance.  Some women may like the idea of training men to submit while others think they should already be house broken.

Worship and begging may not appeal to her. For myself, both of these are a turn off. The real appeal of having a male submissive is that he be a man, strong, clever, manly and yet my submissive. Retain your dignity and be a male submissive worth having and keeping.

Before you Begin…

Decide if you actually want the reality.

Do you want a woman telling you what to do? Are you willing to be disappointed when she isn’t interested in doing what you want, the way you want it? Will you let her lead or will you try to pressure her into giving you what you want instead?

Do not manipulate your Dom. Yes, it is fun to have the erotic play of teasing, denial, struggling and so on… but it should be sincerely part of the fun and not “topping from the bottom”. Two people sincerely invested in D/s can have a lot of fun, pleasure and explorations. If you top from the bottom (manipulate your Dom) you cheat yourself from ever having the real experience of submitting, serving and discovering the pleasure of being a male submissive in reality.

Also, no Dom woman likes to be manipulated. We get this from almost every so-called male sub on dating sites and etc. It is very discouraging. If you wonder why there are so few women into Domming – this would be the number one reason.

If you can’t let go of your expectations then consider paying for what you want and getting it from a McDomme (paid to do it your way).

What are you really willing to do?

Too many men have a list of fetish and kink ideas but no thoughts about the reality. This is especially a bad idea when it comes to health and safety. There are several things which will sound good on paper or turn you on when you watch a video… but reality is not like that. Reality is messier, reality is less planned and professional, less perfect and reality has accidents and misunderstandings.

Never say you are willing to do anything/ everything. Because you aren’t. No one is – unless it’s make believe and pretend.

Read about the reality of your fetishes and kinks. Instead of watching the porn find someone who really has done it and read about their experience. What went wrong, what didn’t work and how did they learn to do it better or another way. Research the reality. Even if you have no experience you can read the experience of others (just not the porn version).

Consider safety and be practical about it

If you have issues such as allergies, a phobia, dislikes put together a list of these issues. Personally, I don’t like having something close around my neck or mouth because I grew up with asthma. I’m also allergic to animals which limits the places and people I can spend time with to some extent. These are things to be aware of, for yourself and the woman Dom you would like to meet.

Although safety and health are more up to the Dom in a D/s relationship you can’t expect her to know your needs, read your mind or use telepathy to know there is a problem.

Safe words are not that reliable. If there is a real problem, something sudden, you need communication which won’t be forgotten in the moment or confused with something else.  A direct safe word, like stop, is better than trying for some secret code you may not remember when you need it. If you use the safe word for effect rather than actually needing it the play stops anyway. Respect the safe word – it’s not a game.

Communicate and talk about anything you plan to do. Start simple and leave yourself room to back out or change the plan. you may think you want to start with the hard stuff but discover your feelings were far more involved when it was actually happening. It is possible to discover you  have a phobia or intense dislike you didn’t know you had until you tried something. This can be especially true with bondage. Actually being confined is not just as you imagine it to be. Explore and experiment with baby steps and savour the experiences as you go.

Submission is not a gift

Years ago the idea that submission is a gift started in the online BDSM groups. This is not the right attitude. Domination is just as much a gift, if you want to consider either of them a gift at all.

You have chosen to submit and your Dom has chosen to lead you, to control you and to own you (up to a point). She is not likely to want to micro-manage you. Being the Dom is a responsibility. It’s not easy and it is not something to take lightly. People can get hurt physically, mentally and emotionally. Both of you need to communicate to prevent problems. The gift is the relationship itself, when you can find it.

Explore and discover

  • Try blindfolding yourself in your own bed. How does it feel? Does the blindfold itch? Do you feel peaceful?
  • Sit on your hands next time you’re alone watching TV. How long can you keep yourself in this self-bondage? How uncomfortable is it?
  • Sit under a table, let it become your cage. Does the confinement bother you? Do you feel snugly caged or just trapped?
  • Try being naked when you are home alone. With the blinds or curtains closed stand naked in front of the window. Even knowing no one can see you do you get a thrill or can you not even do it at all?
  • Buy a dog collar for yourself. No one has to know you don’t have a dog (or your dog won’t be wearing this one). Wear the collar but wrap it around your wrist the first day (not your neck).
  • Even before you have a Dom you can practice serving her tea. Dress up (she doesn’t want pubic hair in her tea cup), make a plate up with pretty treats and serve tea in a teapot with a fancy teacup and saucer for her.

The reality is much different from the fantasy. Reality isn’t the porn version because it’s not scripted and the people are not actors. However, you can actually be one of the people involved rather than watching and wishing from the sidelines. Just make sure you want the reality, imperfect but not impersonal.

Not: A Beginner’s Guide to Dominance and Submission

Just grab a tie or scarf and tie your girl’s hands to the bed posts. Girls like getting pounded while being restricted, because it takes all the responsibility for “being bad” off her shoulders.

via – A Beginner’s Guide to Dominance and Submission.

Don’t just grab and tie up anyone. BDSM is not forced on someone or something you surprise someone with. Start much slower, gentler and find out if either or both of you even like how it feels to be tied up or to be the one who ties up the other.

Not every “girl” likes being pounded in any form and for sure, not every “girl” likes being pounded while restricted. Don’t believe generalizations unless your “girl” is sex doll you bought at the store, not a real person.

Being submissive is not about giving away responsibility. For men or women, both submissive and Dom are responsible for what happens between them and how they treat each other. Being Dom does not give you free reign to do as you please. Being submissive does not mean you give away all your rights and take whatever you are given. Besides, if someone feels bad about something they did, that feeling will not go away when the BDSM part of your time is over.

Please don’t “just grab” and think all is well. Any fear in BDSM should be pleasurable, not actual afraid for your life or safety fear. Aggression should be measured, planned and decided on before any grabbing starts. BDSM is not what you see in pornography. Leave porn to the professionals who walk away with a pay cheque for their time and trouble.

BDSM is not permission to abuse people.

Beginners Guide for Becoming a FemDom

held captive

BDSM has been exploding ever since Fifty Shades of Grey. Women who had lost touch with their sexual selves were now running back to their partners and jumping into bed with a new level of enthusiasm, lust and need. Bondage toys were flying off the shelves of internet stores like Adam & Eve, hardware stores sold out of rope and BDSM classes and tutorials were over-booked. But all of this BDSM focused on the woman being the submissive and the man being the dominant. Nothing spoke to the woman who wanted to be the dominant, making it seem like that wasn’t the natural way of things and that the woman had to be submissive. Well, Fifty Shades of Grey fanatics would be wrong. Being a female dominant, frequently abbreviated to FemDom, can be just as fulfilling and rewarding as being a submissive, if not more. But where and how do you begin?

Maybe you’re here because you want to take on the FemDom position in your current relationship or are looking to start one? Perhaps, your partner really wants you to do it and you just don’t know how, whatever the case, it’s important to read as much as you can about the lifestyle and step in slowly. An interesting fact is that there are far fewer FemDoms than submissives, so if you were looking to start a new relationship, you’re likely to have a good amount of men to choose from. FemDoms are also not those cliche images you see of them in movies and shows–the overly latexed, gothic girl, who’s ready stomp on your brain. You can certainly wear whatever you want and a costume is a great way to get into the mood, but if you’re not a leather, latex and spike kind of girl, you don’t have to do it. You can be a FemDom in an apron and 50s style dress if you want. It’s all about attitude, the outfit is just for show.

When you’re beginning your foray into domination, make sure you keep open communication with your partner. It is likely they’ve been on board from the start if they were prompting you to do so or knew you were interested, but you should still talk about limits. What kind of domination do they like? Are they ok with pain? What kind and how much? You might be controlling them, but you still need to set initial parameters to make sure no one gets hurt. It’s also key to set up a safe word that you can both use when things are becoming too much.

A really great way to get the relationship started is by assigning names to each other. Make him call you mistress, your highness, master…whatever you want. And make sure he is only referred to as something demeaning like slave, pussy etc.

When it comes to domination, you have to assert your power and control. You can do this by teasing your partner, humiliating them and punishing them. These things may be totally new for you, so ease in them slowly if you feel a little uncomfortable demanding your partner do things.

Teasing can be as easy as tying up your partner and then sitting on their face, blindfolding them, making them kneel for you, telling them they can’t come until you want them to, forcing them to get you off over and over again. Assert your dominance, get the pleasure you want and deny them of theirs.

Humiliation will come into play when they will do anything for you and anything to get off. This can be a lot of fun. You can make him do housework for you (two birds with one stone!), dress up like a girl, put a leash and collar on him, make him give you a massage, or make him use a dildo on himself. Be inspired by the moment and just go with it. It will be fun to see how far he will go.

Punishment can be a hard one to get used to if you’re not used to watching your partner be in pain–but you have to remember, it’s what they want. You can try ball gagging them, hog-tying, spanking or whipping them, denying them orgasm for an extended period of time, or even use nipple clamps on them. This is where its important to remember their limits and be aware of their threshold for pain.

Once you start experimenting, you’ll find a rhythm and figure out what you and your partner like and what works for you. From there keep exploring, keep reading and take part in some lifestyle events where you can meet more people like you and learn from others. Have fun and be open-minded!

Note: This is a guest post. Not all of the opinions are the same as my own.

(Archived from 1998) 3 Essays on Finding a Domme, by Ms. Margo

Three Essays on Finding a Domme by Ms Margo

  • On Patience Or, How Do I Get A Dom, An·way?
  • “How do I find a Dom/Dominant/Dominatrix/domme/Goddess/Mistress/dominant Lady/dominate woman?
  • On Petitions… Or, How do I get a Mistress to accept my petition?

    “I have encountered a creature so gracious, so delicate, so noble that I cannot praise her so much nor love her so much that she would not deserve more. . . .[love put out her] nets of gold, spread among flowers, woven by Venus, so pleasant and easy that though a churlish heart might have broken them, I had no wish to do so, and for a bit I enjoyed myself in them until the tender threads became hard and secured with knots beyond untying…. And though I seem to have entered into great labor, I feel in it such sweetness … that, if I could free myself, I would not wish to do so for anything in the world. I have abandoned all thoughts and affairs that are grave and serious; I no longer delight in reading ancient things or discussing modem ones; they are all turned into soft conversations, for which I thank Venus and all Cyprus…. [as to greater things] I have never found anything in them but harm, and in those of love always good and pleasure. Farewell!”

    Yours,
    Niccoló Machiavelli

On Patience
Or, How Do I Get A Dom, Anyway?

by Ms. Margo (margo@netcom.com)
submissives copies from alt.sex.femdom

I am very often asked by novice what they need to do to find a Dominant. My first response to them is always: Be Patient. You will find that in the scene the ratio of submissives to Dominants is greater than 3:1. But not all of those submissives are “good” submissives – ones that a Dominant would be interested in spending his or her time with. Your job is to make yourself stand out from the crowd.

This is the first point where patience comes into play. Although you certainly have to approve of your Dom, you need them to approve of you, and want to play with you. This won’t happen if you pester the Dom, or make comments like, “I’ve been on the Net for a week! Come on!” A Dominant is a Dominant _person_ and you should treat them with respect and courtesy. Just because they are a Dominant, they are under no obligation to use their talents in the Dominant arts on you.

Some submissives look for years to find a Dominant with whom they can have satisfying play. It’s much the same as trying to find a compatible boyfriend or girlfriend, but with the added criterion that the person must be scene-compatible with you as well. Take your time and be a little choosy. You will be much more likely to have good scenes with someone that you are truly compatible and feel comfortable with, then you would be with the first Dom to come along.

Impatient and pushy submissives don’t get very far with Dominants. We may like brats, but we don’t like jerks. If you push too hard we will simply step to the side and watch you fall on your face. The good Dominants also talk to each other. Word will get around if a submissive has a bad reputation; word will also get around if a submissive has a good reputation. Dominants will also occasionally ask each other for recommendations on a particular submissive. If you have been a jerk with one Dominant, it will make it harder for you to be accepted by other Dominants.

Being patient doesn’t mean being a piece of furniture, though. If you have an interest in a Dominant, try to get to know them. If you see them in IRC, say hello to them and try to engage them in conversation. Don’t just sit there saying nothing and waiting for them to talk to you, most likely they won’t. Try to find out what title they prefer (Mistress, Lady, Master, Sir, etc.) and use it. Read their posts well and try to get a feel for the aspects of the scene that appeal to them. These are good things to try to engage them in conversation on. Don’t immediately send them a chat/talk request. If after getting to know a Dominant, you would like to speak privately with them, a polite message of, “Would you like to chat privately?”, is more likely to get you an acceptance. If they say “no”, don’t whine about it. We do not pay our access to the Net just to be available whenever someone wants to hot chat. Telling a Dominant how horny you are will usually only get you laughed at. On BBS’s, if you see a Dominant that you are interested in log-on, you may page/message a polite hello, but don’t keep paging them, especially if they are in e-mail. Finally, don’t ask a Mistress what she is wearing. We are so sick of hearing it, that it has become a joke!

Often I am asked in IRC, via message, to accept someone I just met as my submissive. If that person has a true interest in being my submissive, then they can take the time to write me a request for submission. Some Dominants have a form or questionnaire that they give to potential submissives, but a sincere letter will usually suffice. It should describe your interests and desires in at least some detail (“I like submission” doesn’t cut it), describe your experience in the scene, and tell why you are interested in the Dominant that you are writing to. Spelling and grammar do count. There are two common mistakes here. First, writing to a Dominant who is not interested in what you are. Check their posts if in doubt. Second, sending a request for submission to every Dominant in the Western world. As I said before, we talk to one another. Be patient and wait to find one Dominant whom you think would be a good play partner and then write them a sincere letter. Be patient on a response too. Some Dominants don’t bother to answer unsolicited petitions, but even those that do get a lot of mail.

Don’t become discouraged. While you are being patient waiting for the right Dominant to come along learn about the scene and socialize in it if possible. Read the newsgroups and FAQ’s for information. If you have questions, post them. If nothing else, it will get you mail. Read scene related books and magazines, not just to look at the pictures. Go to scene events, such as the various Fantasy Nights or NLA meetings. By going to these events you have the opportunity to meet more people in the scene, or to meet someone in your area that you have talked to on-line. People that you meet can provide good referrals and introductions to Dominants.

And remember, the best things are always worth waiting for.

Very truly yours,
Ms. Margo

* This file may be re-posted freely, so long as no part of it is changed
* including this follower. Written for Fantasy Realization BBS.
* © Copyright 1990.

“There is not a woman in the world the possession of whom is as precious as that of the truths which she reveals to us by causing us to suffer.”
     – Marcel Proust

“How do I find a Dom/Dominant/Dominatrix/domme/
Goddess/Mistress/dominant Lady/dominate woman?”

by Ms. Margo (margo@netcom.com)
copies from alt.sex.femdom

I am asked this question more than any other. At different times it makes me react in different ways. Sometimes annoyed: Do I *look* like I have one in my back pocket? Sometimes confused: How exactly do you think that I can help you? – I don’t even know you and I live on the other side of the country. Sometimes amused: If I knew the answer to that, I’d be rich! Sometimes sad: I’m sorry, even though you seem like a really nice person, I just can’t help you.

The actual answer to the question is: It’s not easy and you may never find one.

That said, what is it that increases or decreases someone’s chances of finding a Dominant? There are many different factors, and they vary depending on the Dominant woman, but I’ll cover some of the basics. Keep in mind that some submissives actively look for many years before finding a Dom with whom they are compatible. You must be willing to be persistent and patient if you really want to succeed.

*** Numbers ***

Whether it’s 1:3 or 1:100, most people agree that there are simply more submissives than there are Dominant women. These numbers work against you if you’re a submissive, because the competition is strong for the attentions of those Dominant women who are out there. It’s just like looking for a job. There may be several hundred people sending in their resumes, and you need yours to stand out from the crowd. Think about ways that you could make yourself attractive and interesting to a Dominant woman. If you have no idea how, that’s a sign that you need to get some good books and read and learn, or spend more time in a.s.femdom reading what Dominant women say, and what they say they want. Ask questions if you’re unsure of something. Posting is also a good way to let other people see what you’re like and become familiar with you. If a Dom is looking for a new submissive, do you think she’ll choose a complete stranger or someone she already knows? Also, look at ads and postings from other submissives. Think about what is good or bad in each. Try not to make the same mistakes. Lavender

Put as much effort into your contacts with Dominant women as you would into a terrific resume. If you’re writing letters, spend some time on them; rewrite them a few times. Check your spelling and grammar. Ask yourself, “If I got this would I pay any attention to it?” If not, go back and do it again. Unless you’re a professional writer, the first thing that you write is usually not going to be very good. Put some time and effort into it. I often get two line e-mails that say something like, “I am a submissive and I live in Some City. I like blah, blah, blah.” Big deal! If the person can’t put more effort into it than that, I feel that they couldn’t have wanted my attention that badly – next candidate! You don’t need to write a book but you should try to write a half-page to a page about yourself and what your interests are.

If you’re calling a Dom, sit down and write out a short list of what you want to say to her. Nothing is more boring than sitting on the phone with someone who doesn’t say anything more than, “Yes, Mistress.” and “Uh”. If you are casually meeting a Dom in person, be polite, introduce yourself, make some small talk, and then go away. Do not give her your complete resume, “My name is Joe, I’m 34 years old, I’m a submissive, I like blah, blah, blah, blah, will you play with me?” You’ll stand out – as a first class jerk.

*** Area ***

Dominant women tend to be free-thinking people. As such, they also tend to gravitate toward large cities and urban areas. If you’re in a rural area your chances of finding a Dominant woman near you are much smaller. This leaves you with a few options. You can be very patient and try to find someone near you (I’m talking *years* of patience here), you can be willing to travel to a larger city to meet a Dom, you can be willing to pay or compensate a Dom to come to visit you, or you can move. New York City, San Francisco, Los Angeles, and London will have the highest number of visible Dominants per capita, so those are your best choices. Other large cities are also good. Cities like Washington, DC may be good or bad, since they are large, but discretion is so important there. Large cities in the Southern US can also be problematic for the same reasons.

If you’re in an urban area, or near one, find out where the BDSM people meet. There are often nightclubs that are BDSM oriented, or have special fetish nights. Most large cities have BDSM social, support and/or instructional organizations, such as The National Leather Association (NLA), People Exchanging Power (PEP), The Black Rose, or The Eulenspeigal Society (TES). Check the alt.sex.femdom FAQ and the alt.sex.bondage FAQ for addresses. Many BDSM publications also ha ve very good listings of these groups. If you can find an issue of “S&M Utopia Guardian” they have very good listings, as does “Prometheus”, published by The Eulenspeigal Society. Go to these groups not only to socialize, but also to learn. If you improve your knowledge and skills, you also improve your chances of standing out from the crowd. Don’t go expecting to meet a Dominant woman and take her home – it won’t happen.

If you’re in a rural area, or can’t join an organization, another place to look is on local adult bulletin boards. There are literally thousands of adult BBS’s around the country. If you don’t know of any in your area, check out the alt.bbs.* newsgroups, or pick up a copy of a BBS oriented magazine like “Boardwatch” or “BBS”. The larger adult BBS’s usually have advertisements in the back. Since people on a local BBS will tend to be local people, you increase your chances of finding someone in your area. Some BBS’s also spons or social get- togethers where you can meet the people that you chat with on-line. (This is a great idea since, unfortunately, many people on-line are not exactly as they would have you believe.) You can also try getting a copy of one of the many BDSM or domination personal ads magazines or newspapers, but be careful about answering ads that sound too good to be true – they usually are. Jay Wiseman’s book SM101 has an excellent section about personal ads, and it’s recommended reading if you’re thinking about placing or answering a personal ad.

*** Professionals ***

The reality is that it doesn’t take a novice Dominant woman long to realize that she’s in demand, and that she can make money as a result of that demand. Many good (and sometimes bad) Dominants become professionals. If you’re looking for a professional, or you’re looking for an occasional session and you don’t mind paying, then you’re in luck! All you need to do to find a Dominant is to pick up a copy of Domination Directory International (DDI), your local underground newspaper, or almost any BDSM magazine at your local adult bookstore and call or write the woman of your choice. Sessions cost between $100 and $300 US depending on the area and the skill or fame of the woman. Be sure to work out the financial and other details before the session.

If you’re not looking for a professional, then your chances just got worse. Because a knowledgeable, experienced, or attractive Dominant woman is likely to be drawn toward professional domination, there are fewer talented amateurs left. They are out there, though. You can meet them through organizations, the Net, BBS’s, or at social events. Keep in mind, though, you’re going to have to look longer and harder to find a compatible amateur Dom than you will a professional.

Some Doms are insulted about being asked if they are professional or not, but most don’t mind if you ask discreetly. Myself, I’m proud of my amateur standing, but I’m also complimented if someone thinks I’m good enough to be a professional. If the Lady is a professional and you would like to see her, ask if it’s better to call her at a later time to work out the details. This is especially true if you are a social event or a party where she might not feel comfortable discussing business. Most professionals, and some non-professionals, have business cards with their name and address, and sometimes their phone number. If you know that a Lady is a professional and you think you might be interested in seeing her at a later date, ask for her card.

Keep in mind that a professional Dominant is not a prostitute . Do not expect her to have sex with you, or even allow you “manual release”, just because you are paying her. You are paying for her time and her skills, just like you would pay your doctor or your dentist. She is also not your girlfriend. If you come to see her often you may develop a friendly relationship with her, or you may not. She likely has lots of other clients and you are just one of them. Remember that no matter how pleasurable it is, it is still a business transaction.

* ** Privacy ***

It’s unfortunate, but most people need to keep their interests in female domination private. Most people would prefer that their family, friends, co-workers, and neighbors didn’t know about their interests and activities. This is just as true for Doms as it is for subs. Your next door neighbor, the owner of a local store, or the woman at the Post Office counter might be a Dom and you would never know it. This, unfortunately, decreases your chances of finding a Dominant woman. There isn’t any special symbol or pin that we wear to let people “in” on our interests. A woman in high heels and black leather may be a Dom, or she may just be fashionable. A woman with handcuffs hanging from her rearview mirror may be into bondage, or they may just be a gag gift from a friend. Don’t assume that a woman is a Dominant just because she has one of the “symbols” of domination. On the other hand, don’t assume that a woman isn’t a Dominant just because she isn’t carrying a whip and barking orders.

“So,” you ask, “if I don’t know if a woman is a Dominant, how do I know if she’s a Dominant woman?” It seems like a Catch-22, and it is. You usually can’t tell if a woman is Dominant just by looking at her. One of the best ways to tell if a woman is dominant is by her attitude. Most sexually Dominant women are not shy wallflowers (although some are). If you meet an aggressive, assertive woman the chances are better that she has dominant tendencies. Keep in mind, though, that she wants her privacy as much as you do. If you ask someone you don’t know very well about intimate parts of their life, chances are that they are either are going to be angry or are not going to tell you the truth. If you make a subtle reference and she doesn’t seem interested, don’t push.

Dominant women also don’t have any sort of Union or network. We don’t all know each other; we don’t all communicate. Asking a Dominant woman if she knows of anyone looking for a submissive in a town on the other side of the country isn’t likely to yield much. First, she’s most likely to know Dominant women in her own area. Second, if she’s not extremely well aquainted with you she’s not going to give out private information about a friend, or even risk embarrassment by referring someone to her friends who might turn out to be a jerk. If you absolutely must ask, then give your own information and ask her if she would be willing to pass it on for you. If you don’t hear anything in response, drop the issue.

If you do find a woman who is a Dominant, keep it to yourself. If you violate a Dominants desire for privacy not only will she refuse to see you again, its likely that she’ll let everyone she knows hear about your bad behavior. I heard from a fellow Dom about the bad behavior of a submissive that she knew casually. He saw her in a popular dance club and immediately knelt at her feet and began kissing her boots. She was with a “vanilla” boyfriend and a co-worker at the time and was very upset at his actions. She has never forgiven him and neither has anyone else.

*** Looks ***

Dominant women range from ugly to beautiful, just like women in general. If you have your heart set on meeting a tall, beautiful, blond Dominant or a buxom, ravishing, redheaded Goddess your chances just got much smaller. If looks are really that important to your happiness in a scene be prepared to look for a long time, or be willing to pay a professional who has the looks that you want. You ‘ll have better luck finding a Dominant if you concentrate on her personality and skills. Some of the best Dominant women that I know would never win a beauty contest, but their assertive attitude, self assurance, and refined skills are absolutely breathtaking. If she can’t, or won’t, do the things that are going to satisfy you it doesn’t much matter what she looks like . Think of it this way: If you’re bound, blindfolded, and in ecstasy, what does it matter what she looks like?

*** Attitude ***

Real Dominant women will not be like the women you see in the magazines. We are not just dying for a chance to Dom you or anyone else. We do not want you to drop to your knees and worship us NOW! (for $3.65 a minute). Actually, we usually couldn’t care less about what you demand that we do. If you approach a Dominant woman with a “What can you do for me?” attitude, you’re going to be laughed at. Do-Me Queens are selfish, controlling, and annoying. If you’re pushy, rude, rash, or overly forward with a Dominant, you will most likely lose the chance to ever play with her. There are hundreds of submissives out there; she doesn’t need to waste her time with a jerk. Dominant women are not public utilities. Just because a woman is a Dominant doesn’t mean that she’s your Dominant, or that she has any interest at all in playing with you. If you’re just interested in yourself and what you want, please do us all a favor and go pay a prostitute to play-act with you.

On the opposite hand, if you just sit there like a limp dishrag you’ll never get anything. You may think that sitting quietly with your head down shows that you’re a true submissive. What it really shows is that you’re boring. If you want to meet a Dominant woman, you have to meet her. If you want to attract her attention, you have to attract her attention. Strong and submissive are not opposites. If you are very shy get a friend to introduce you and to hang around to keep the conversation going, or try writing the Lady a letter. You don’t have to throw yourself at her feet to attract her attention, but you do at least have to move and talk. If you approach her with the attitude that she probably won’t even notice you and if she does you’re not good enough to be her submissive, chances are that she won’t notice you and that if she does she’ll wonder if you’re good enough to be her submissive. Act in a way that gives a Dominant confidence in you and your abilities and sincerity. Don’t forget to smile!

Along with a good attitude, goes honesty. If you overstate yourself, your looks, your abilities, or your experience, then you are lying to your Dominant. If you tell the Lady that you are 6’2″, very attractive, and athletic, when you’re really 5’10”, average looking, and a couch potato she’s certainly going to notice the first time she meets you. The relationship might well end right there. If you’re not a corporate executive, don’t say so. Being a programmer or working in a bank is honest work – don’t be ashamed of what you do. Especially, don’t try to make yourself seem more experienced or more knowledgeable in the scene than you really are. It’s foolish, dangerous, and disappointing. There is no shame in being a novice.

I saw a submissive at a play party tell a serious Dominant that he liked heavy pain and she took him at his word. They agreed to play and he called safeword after the second stroke. She immediately asked what was wrong and he said, “That hurt!” She reminded him that he had said that he liked pain and his reply was that he didn’t realize it would hurt so much in real life! As funny as the story is, no one would play with him again.

*** Timing ***

Sometimes you just have the bad luck to approach a Dominant at a time that she doesn’t need or want a new submissive. Some Doms acquire new submissives every few weeks, some only take a new submissive once a decade. If a Dom has made it clear that she isn’t looking for a submissive, don’t be a fool by offering your immediate services. You may want to send a short letter to let her know that you are looking for a Dominant and would be very happy for her to keep you in mind if she knows of any future openings. A lack of a reply means the same thing as ” No”. Don’t send follow-up letters whining that you haven’t gotten an answer from her. Not answered means not interested .

Don’t be rude to a Dominant just because she said “No” to you. You should take your “No”s politely and cheerfully and keep in good standing with the Lady. A short note thanking her for her time and consideration and asking that she keep you in mind for the future is a nice touch. (If you’re very brave you can even ask the reason that she turned you down, but do this only if you’re prepared for an honest answer that could hurt your feelings.) There are many submissives that I’ve had to say “No” to because the timing wasn’t right, but some have stayed in occasional polite contact (polite is the key word here!), and if I ever wanted a new submissive those would be the people I would think of first. If you have the patience to wait until the timing is right, you will increase your chances of finding a Dom.

*** Building Your Own ***

In the true spirit of DIY, many submissives beat the odds of finding a Dominant by making their own. This isn’t easy. Your first few projects may fail miserably and you may lose faith, but it is possible – and when it does work its a great solution. What you need is an open-minded woman who has some dominant tendencies. You help her to develop those tendencies and teach her how to be the Dom that you’ve always wanted. The woman can be your wife, your girlfriend, or a female sex-buddy. Unfortunately, the process takes years of hard work and there are always setbacks.

If you want to undertake to make your own Dom you need to have a long, slow plan in mind. You can’t just hit someone with a lot at once -they’ll freak out. Start very slowly. Add mild domination play to your normal sex life. Have her playfully spank you for ” being bad”. Buy her some leather lingerie that flatters her figure. Tell her you want to be her “love slave” and kiss her body all over. Let her know that you’ve always wanted to try sex “tied up”. Keep it light and keep the focus on her. If she’s not happy, you won’t succeed. Buy her a copy of Lady Green’s “The Sexually Dominant Woman: A Workbook for Nervous Beginners”. It’s very, very friendly and is excellent for a novice Dominant.

Be reassuring. She most likely has been told all her life that this is sick and kinky. Let her know that it’s fun. Let her know that this is for her too. Let her know that she’s in control and can stop any time she wants. Show her this newsgroup so that she doesn’t feel as if she’s alone in her interests. If you think that that’s too much for her, print out selected postings for her that validate her feelings. Heavy S& M porn or low budget D&S magazines will usually turn a woman off. Think before you expose her to something that may freak her out. Once you’ve done it, you can’t take it back. Keep the lines of communication open. If something seems to be upsetting her, don’t just blow it off – honestly talk about it.

Pay attention to those things that seem to interest her the most. Be sure to explore those things that she would like to try, even if they don’t appeal to you at first. If someone were asking you to do things that didn’t appeal to you, you would quickly lose interest. Exploring together can be thrilling; always fulfilling someone else’s demands can be demeaning. Expect that things may go along very well for while and then she may refuse to have anything to do with domination. Guilt and bad feelings are very strong. Don’t push. Keep talking honestly and communicating openly. Try to ease any bad feelings, but don’t promise what you really can’t give. Many submissives promise to give up their interests in domination in order to keep the relationships happy – we all know that it never works for long.

If you are patient (and lucky), you can end up with the Dom of your dreams without having to even leave your own home. Never, ever, underestimate the gem that you now have in your hands. If you do, she will likely take her new-found skills to someone else’s hands.

*** What will happen when you finally have a Dominant? ***

What!? Do you expect me to spoil all the fun? Never! 🙂 Now go and play…

* This file may be re-posted freely, so long as no part of it is changed
* including this follower. Written for Fantasy Realization BBS.
* © Copyright 1990.

On Petitions…
Or, How do I get a Mistress to accept my petition?

by Ms. Margo (margo@netcom.com)
copies from alt.sex.femdom

I receive constant petitions to take on submissives for training. Most of the petitions that I receive are sorry indeed. Would you really like to write a petition that will be accepted? Good.

This will be lesson one.

There are many, many more submissive men than there are Dominant women. I receive 3-5 letters a week from men wanting to be my submissive. What is it about you that would make me want to spend time writing to you, talking to you, or being with you? You have to impress a Dominant with what it is that you are and what it is that you want the very first time that you write to her. “The scene” has so many aspects that no two people are guaranteed to be a good match. A good Dominant knows that. She won’t waste time on someone who doesn’t appear to be suitable to her. You should, at the very least, have thoroughly read her registry to see what she likes and what she doesn’t. When you write to a Dominant, the letter should be well thought out and reasonably lengthily. I know one Dominant woman who sends out a 20 page questionnaire to prospective submissives, but a half page to a page should be enough. Write a letter, set it aside. Come back to it the next day and re-read it. Think about how you would respond if you received that letter. Be careful about its writing. Spelling and grammar *do* count. Be respectful in your letter. I teach my submissives to write lower case “i” and uppercase “You” – as in, “Mistress, i would very much like to be helpful to You.” You don’t have to do this, but it’s a nice touch. Always remember to capitalize their name and title. Try to find out what title a Dominant prefers – ask around – if in doubt use Ms. or Mistress. Queen of Babylon

Tell a Dominant as much about yourself as you can. Not that you have blond hair and green eyes, but what your experiences have been and what you would like to experience. As a novice, you may not have had many experiences. So tell the Dominant what inhabits your fantasies. If you dream of being securely bound with silk stockings and beaten with a feather duster, say so. If you long to be dressed as a woman and taken shopping at the K-Mart, let her know. If when you were 7 you loved to be tied up playing Cowboys and Indians, then tell the story. Telling someone that you are a “submissive” tells them nothing. You wouldn’t be writing to a Dominant woman if you weren’t. Think for a moment about what appeals to you – a favorite story, a beloved picture, a treasured fantasy. You heart will lead you in the direction that you would like to explore. Don’t worry about what it is that draws you. You are *never* the first person to have been interested in a particular kink. Over time you will want to explore new things. Some things which originally appealed to you may not hold a fascination for you in the future. A good Dominant will be open and accepting; she will not tell you that you’re “sick.” She also will keep your correspondence private.

Let a Dominant know what you can do for them. Dominant women are not a public utility. You want them to spend their time and effort on you. What can you do for them in return? Your letter should be very clear about the sorts of things that you can do for them. Are you good dinner company? Do you do carpentry? Can you baby-sit her cat? Are you the world’s best boot polisher? Are you a leather fetishist who would love to Lexol all her toys? The possibilities are endless. Pick a few things that you’re good at *and* that you are willing to do, and put that in your letter. Be sure that you are really willing to it. I have a friend who says, “They always say ‘Oh Mistress, I’ll do anything for you’ until I tell them to clean the catbox.”

And lastly, have some discretion. If you pledge your eternal slavery to someone that you have never met, or even chatted with on-line, how would you expect her to react? Let her know why it is that you are writing to *her*: you heard good things about her, you liked her registry, you were impressed with a post she wrote, you saw her at an event and have dreamed of her ever since. Don’t try the shotgun approach – writing to every Dominant female in the Western world. Many of the Mistress on-line are friends, and someone who petitions everything that moves will soon get a bad reputation. Don’t waste your time, and the Dominant’s, by writing to someone who isn’t into what you are. If she’s not into spanking and it’s your number one turn-on, then neither of you will get what you want out of the relationship. Also, be clear about your expectations of sex. If you want your scenes to include orgasm, or you’re looking to give sexual service, say so. The same holds true if you are not willing to give sexual service, or are not expecting it. Be as honest as you can be. If you have a wife or girlfriend and need to keep your activities private, that’s important for your potential Mistress to know.

Lastly, take your “No, thank you”s gracefully. There are a lot of reasons why a Dominant might decline your offer. Remember that she might be looking for someone in the future, or may know another Dominant who is looking for someone, and you would like to be that someone. If you’re feeling brave you might politely ask why she said no, so you can write even better petitions in the future. Keep trying, and refining your skills every time you do try. Eventually, you *will* succeed!

Very truly yours,
Ms. Margo

* This file may be freely copied so long as it remains intact with this
* message attached. Written for Fantasy Realization BBS. © Copyright,
* January, 1993. By Ms. Margo.

Last update 3/20/98

Bondage for Beginners

Originally posted to Adult BackWash: Friday February 27, 2004  

Originally, I wrote this for someone who wanted ideas for getting started into BDSM. Mainly bondage as most people getting started aren’t really looking for the SM type of things. It’s a bit much to rush into something really hard core and you can’t go back and undo anything you regret later. So, my best advice is to take it slow. I wrote this to a guy, but it works for either partner, man or woman. Start discussing your thoughts and desires. Tell your partner why you want to do these things before you just suggest doing them. Why does the idea of bondage, spanking or some other fetish turn you on? If you’re lucky your lust will rub off on them. If not, you can try a moderated, more tame version if possible.

Get close physically at least once before you try anything BDSMish. Have some idea of what each of you are like sexually before you bring in that whole element. Use a ‘safe word’ and mean it. Don’t make a game out of it or use it to tease, etc. If the word is used it means someone is in panic mode and everything has to stop right then. Mostly talk and talk and talk about fantasies, things that scare or concern each of you. Don’t rush into some sub/ Dom thing. That should be an extra element not your focus. Just go slow and enjoy the ride.

Try bondage without bondage. Like, instead of tying her or yourself with rope have her hold onto the back of a chair or the sides of the bed. That way there is an escape open if one of you gets worried or needs a break to regroup.

When you feel ready, you can use real rope but don’t actually knot it. Leave it untied. Try handcuffs but don’t lock them and make sure you have a key where it won’t get lost in the sheets, the rug, whatever. Try timed bondage too. Freeze the key in an ice cube and run the cube over her body. When the cube finally melts she is set free.

Try a light spank as a surprise. Just one and see how it goes. If you’re both into it make it a bit harder or go for three light ones. Think of different positions too. Over the knee is one option, how about having her bend over the bed, or by the side of your desk, try new ideas. Just use your hand. That way you will both feel it. You need to have some idea of how hard you are spanking. Using an inanimate object leaves you guessing. You can’t rely on guessing when you could be hurting her and making the whole experience negative rather than fun and something she’s likely to want to do again.

Talk about what you want to do as you’re doing it. That is so sexy. To hear someone take charge and tell you what they’re going to do and how you are theirs to do it with. Do it with feeling though. The Dom is doing it to show love not to show he/ she is boss. Have a nickname just for your BDSM play, little one, minx, etc. Then when she hears it she will know you’re in THAT mode and it will put her into THAT mode too.

You don’t need toys and gear, most of it is brain work. Feelings and how you touch and not touch sometimes. Withholding a touch is a good way to build suspense. Bring in a new element and just let it be seen. Don’t even use it. For instance place a pair of handcuffs on the bedside table and hang the key on a string around your neck. Use sound effects too. There is something kind of sexy about the sound of a whip, for me. But I’d never want to be whipped or have some amateur with no clue attempt to play with one around me. Still, the sound could be recorded and played back at key moments.

It’s all about exploring and trying things to arouse and tempt your partner. Go for it, but play nice and don’t be a jerk. Men might find they like being submissive even though they think they have to be a Dom. Try switching. Women might find it a real turn on to suddenly be the one in charge. Make him do things your way and at your pace. Go for it.

Loves, Likes and Curiousities

This is my list of Loves, Likes and Curiousities from CollarMe.com. My profile is still up there but I don’t use the site very much. I used to really enjoy the forum a few years ago. I never liked the chat, the men spoil it. I had one guy ask me why I was online if I wasn’t there to find someone to fuck with. Pretty small mind and not much respect for women. 

Loves:

Coffee Shops
Travel
Body Worship
Breast Play
Massage (Getting)
Mental Bondage (Beginner)
Science Fiction
Drawing
Writing

Likes:

Beachcombing
Flea Markets
Museums
Volunteerism
Blindfolds
Bondage (Beginner)
Cages (Beginner)
Collars
Local BDSM Community
Humiliation (Beginner)
Munches
Obedience Training
Outdoor Bondage
Public Play
Card Games
MMORPGs
Online RPGs
Role Playing Games
Simulation Games
Web Surfing
Cooking
Gardening
Photography
Sewing
Blogging
History
Female Supremacy

Curious About:

CBT
Chastity
Corner Time
Exhibitionism
Eye Contact Restrictions (Beginner)
Leashes
Objectification
Serving as a Maid/Butler
Spanking
Speech Restrictions
Paranormal
Gorean Lifestyle
Victorian Household

Driving Road Test

Does anyone know much about the G2 driving test? I have to schedule it. I had my full license from the US when I was married and living there. When I came back to Ontario they took it away and just gave me the beginner license. Peeved me off cause I have to pay for another license and take yet another test. Highway driving on the massive highway, not just the two laner which I can do without a problem. I have avoided the huge highways cause I don’t speed and on those everyone drives like they are rushing to the hospital to give birth to an alien creature.

Wish me luck.