I Broke My Favourite Glass Mug

I pulled it out of the dishwasher, still hot. Did not think but went ahead and poured in a little coffee cream, cold from the fridge. I heard that little ping and, sure enough, my glass mug had a huge crack, splitting the bottom and up each side. I am annoyed with myself. I should have had my brain on but I was working on autopilot.

I found more of them. But, they are not available for online shopping. I did find some on eBay, but the shipping is expensive,  beyond considering. So, I will just wait until I am somewhere there is an Ikea store. Funny, Ikea is so popular but this will be the first time I have ever had a plan to shop there. But, the mugs (called beer tankards) are in stock.

Freedom, Anarchy and the Absurd

The New Escapologist – Sounds like the kind of site I’d like.

New Escapologist is a magazine for white-collar functionaries with escape on the brain. We offer practical exit strategies from demeaning day jobs and celebrate the ‘flight’ bit of ‘fight or flight’.

Each issue is a compendium of funny and practical essays on the subject of escape, through the lenses of economics, travel, psychology, philosophy and the arts. We promote freedom, anarchy and the absurd.

Bad Faith
Cottage Industry
Surreal Humour
Testimony of Simplicity
Voluntary Simplicity



Facebook Horoscope for Today

You are thinking about the deep mysteries of life, the world, and everything. You may be turning to the older members of your family or community for advice and insight, because you are feeling confused about your personal, social or cultural values.

Even the Facebook application knows I am wandering through the deep, thick woods of my own brain these days. I have become entangled in Facebook games, far too many of them and far too many hours spent there. Although, half of the time spent is just waiting for the games to load or move from one screen to the next (which is also loading in the technical sense).

This is what I wrote in my Facebook status just now:

It’s a bit gross how much of these Facebook games I am playing lately. I used to see real stuff on my profile here. Now it is all game spam. I need a change. I need a break. I need a lot of things and the only one who can do anything about it is me.

Yet, I will be there tomorrow, feeding the llamas, picking the cherries, scaring the bear, etc. I need a new obsession.

Measuring the Broken Bits

From all the many things my Dad used to say about me I ended up believing I am broken in some way. I’ve wondered what it was that is so wrong with me that causes me to have so many problems and become all the things he accused me of being long before I was even in high school. I’m going to be 45 this December. So it has been a long time since those days. My Dad died a few years ago even.

It was only yesterday that I finally did wonder if I ever really was broken at all. I’ve felt there was something elementally wrong with me for so long. Never understanding what it was or how I could do anything to fix it. I’ve looked for answers. I thought it must be my problem and did not want to talk about it.

I’ve given up on so many things cause I believed once something went wrong that it was just my damage catching up again. I never believed in myself to really give myself a chance to succeed. Being broken I was doomed to fail somewhere along the way. I did keep trying things though. But, it wouldn’t be long before I would know I had done as much as a broken person like myself could ever manage.

Dad said a lot of things to me about who I am, what I look like and what I could expect to become. He told me I was fat and ugly and scarred when I was not even chubby and just a child with a little exema. I’ve seen photos of myself and I know I was none of those things then, I was pretty but I just couldn’t see that when I had him insisting I was hideous.

Dad told me no one would ever want me. So, I was happy when I married Todd, my friend. Then, I went into kind of shock when we divorced and yet, I could only watch from the sidelines too as Dad was proven right again. Trying to date never worked out for me. I can see now that I probably put people off because I felt so down on myself, so unworthy of anyone and so unsure about even trying to find someone when I was broken anyway.

All those years of believing I was broken. I still have not shaken it off but I’m peeling off the edges, like a sticker on a tomato. The tomato is so much more than the sticker but who would want to find a sticker on the tomato in their salad.

I still don’t really know where to go from here, with this new idea. Not even strong enough to label it knowlege yet. I have not told anyone. Just wanted to take some time to clear it through my own brain and write it here. To think it over a bit more as I type.

So much wasted time. Here I am nearing 45 and I really wanted to have a family of my own and children. Mostly the children and yet the person to spend your adult life with (if you can find someone you want to be with) is invaluable. I am not likely to have that now. Women my size and age are not in high demand and I’m still that damaged person,who needs to stop feeling unworthy and different in a not great way. I went through 2 decades of my life barely speaking to anyone. It left me quiet (which you would not know if you have only met me online).

Anyway, putting this here like a time capsule. A blog, if you keep it long enough, is a great way to measure your life.

Would you Like a Cheshire Cat/ Dragon?

Well, once again we’ve come to the time to blab.

Tonight my brain is tired. My best thought is that the Cheshire Cat from Alice in Wonderland is like a cross between a cat and a dragon. I think the Cheshire Cat would be my best choice as a pet, other than a goldfish swimming outdoors in a pond. You just can’t go wrong with either of those. They don’t really need anything from you/ me in this case. With the Cheshire Cat however, you have the added bonus of a creature that lives to cause trouble and be generally irritating in a good, even helpful way. You just can’t find any other pet that enjoys tormenting you. Try to beat that with some drooling, slobbery dog that wants you to pick up it’s poop.

I am tempted to play Maple Story now. Zack and I were playing it often this week while he was here. But, my brain really does think it should sleep. Silly brain.

Claire Tribute

Claire is my choice for favourite Entrecard blogger. Just thinking of her gives me at least a little smile. Her boobiliciousness, her firey brain (see the latest doodle on her blog) and of course her blog illustrations. I’m glad to have her involved in Doodle Week. She keeps making it fun. (Mo too).

See the Entrecard Outage Post for your favourite EC blogger.

This Blog is Massively Under Construction, Yet Again

At least this time all my widgets aren’t lost. Kind of nice not to have to do those all over again.

I will be fixing the footer, the header, some code missing for the sidebar and the background. I thought I would do it tonight but time is catching up with me and I’m getting too sleepy to be sharp enough to use my brain for looking at CSS code.

I want to use the background as my main layout. Not sure how to describe the plan. But there is a plan. Really.

Update: I have been away a day longer than I was expecting. Just got back tonight. Some good photos but couldn’t do anything with the layout. Will be online tomorrow. Too tired to do more than check email tonight.

Ding! You Win… A Dollar!!!

I have Word Grrls on Project Wonderful. I just checked the account today and it has crossed the one dollar mark. How will I spend my new income? Oh, don’t be crazy… I’m not spending a penny.

I don’t do stock market games or reality cause I’m an excessively obsessive and bad risk taker when it comes to games of chance. I also don’t like reading or obeying a lot of rules. After all, rules just complicate things. But Project Wonderful has been my own penny ante stock market. I didn’t have to invest any real money. Just stuck the code up and keep remembering to go in there and check for pending bids.

It took off at a rough start. I felt a bit slimed at the starting gate. I didn’t read all the rules so I didn’t fix my price per ad to anything. So it was zero, no cents at all. Today is different. I’m out of the penny race and into a nickle. I have two ads from the same blogger, running at five cents each. That was the ad that pushed me over from cents into dollars.

Project Wonderful isn’t amassing me a fortune. I didn’t expect it would. I hoped it would be fun, something new to learn to stimulate my brain and keep me a little longer away from becoming senile, and it has done that. I’m not pulling it from Word Grrls. I’m not concerned about adding it to That Grrl any time soon. I might, out of interest to compare how each blog does.

If you are interested in trying Project Wonderful I endorse it. But go in with real expectations. If you want big money robbing a bank would be a faster method, a bit risky though. Project Wonderful will show you some new blogs and eventually give you a dollar to add to your next fancy coffee purchase, but it won’t make you rich.

Blind to Others

Sometimes I think I don’t care enough and then I think I care too much. But, I’m starting to wonder if it’s not either one. Maybe it’s not about caring at all but about how much you notice the effects of your actions. If you can go along and not notice the reactions, the hurt feelings, the frustration and such which your actions cause then you just along thinking everything is fine. No consequences to your actions.

I’m not like that. I think about hurt feelings too much. My sister decided this wasn’t a good weekend for me to come out to see the kids. Zack has a lot of homework to catch up on. That’s fine. But now I feel bad cause I feel I’m disappointing him. I said I would come out, but did say I would check with my sister (his Mother). Still, I feel bad about the whole thing. I’m going out next weekend (she needs a babysitter) so it’s not a total let down.

How do other people let people down and not even notice? I’ve had people arrange to meet me and I make sure I’m there. They never show up, not even a phone call. Just like meeting someone who asks for your phone number and then never calls. I don’t get that. If I asked for a number I’d call. If I didn’t want to call I would not ask for a number or arrange to meet. I try not to get pushed into making any commitments unless I am sure about keeping them.

I know people who routinely make commitments and don’t follow through on them. They don’t even seem to notice the frustration and disappointment they cause. I don’t think that means they care too little. I think it just means that somehow they don’t even notice. I need some of that. I need to notice or think about it all less.

Of course I also blame myself for everything. Grew up that way. Thanks Dad. When does all that finally go away? How old do you have to be? In the back of my brain I still hear “No one will ever want you”. No matter how old I get, how I grow and change and feel ok about myself. I think it just never is enough. On some level I never get close to anyone. I can be close to people, I can listen and give advice. But, I don’t say too much about what I really think or feel about myself. I only write about it.

Blog Talkers: Sexy

From Blog Talkers:
Name three things that make a man, or woman, sexy. Why do you think these things make them sexy? Name one thing about you that is sexy. Why do you think this one thing is sexy about you?

A brain, a smile and taking some interest in their appearance. I’m not really sure what makes one person sexy and another just ok. Being clean is a big plus. Being freindly, having a smile is a certainly another step in that direction. I think in the long run it comes from inside more than outside. Being able to carry and start a conversation. Being good to other people, listening and making people feel you care about what they have to say. Charm and charisma are sexy but not something you can fake easily. I think a person who is not especially attractive can be sexy.

I don’t feel sexy. If anything about me is sexy maybe it’s my hair. I like my colour, rich and dark and it has just the right amount of curl to twine around my finger. When I spend a little time on it (for me that means brushing it after a shower) it looks really good. I think it makes me feel sexy too.