Ideas for Halloween Blog Posts

happyhalloweenTired of the same old holiday posts? Try writing about these!

How to make your lawn look ghastly for Halloween using simple stuff like zombie flamingos, garden gnomes and such which you can buy on eBay and poke into your grass.

How to dress like a slut for Halloween without alarming your Mother

Lingerie in Halloween colours to perk up the late night trick-or-treaters.

How to keep your kids from eating too much candy on Halloween – give them healthy snacks instead and threaten to hang them off the roof while they barf if they don’t eat the healthy snacks

Dress up your pets for Halloween so they can guard your kids from the pumpkin bashing bullies

How to store your Halloween costumes, especially those which are not flame retardant.

Halloween gifts for your boyfriend who didn’t return all your 1,000 text messages yesterday

Play with trick-or-treaters: Get a stuffed dog for Halloween and put on tapes with spooky music and a dog barking in the background. Let kids think the dog is safe and then sick your real dog on them.

What to do if your child is choking on Halloween candy? – feed him more until it all goes down

Decorate your house in pink for Halloween – for breast cancer. Don’t forget to use your husband for the big boob in the centre

Old fashioned Halloween costumes – spray paint your children

Gather all the children’s toys you’re tired of picking up and recycle them into Halloween monster toys like babypedes and other monsterish, gruesome things.

Shoes to wear for Halloween, wind, rain, snow or slime

Halloween movies to watch with your dog, or cat. Write about movies with dogs or cats, or goldfish with a Halloween theme

Halloween tapes like Monster Mash which you can play over and over to torment teenagers who don’t appreciate the 70’s… yet.

Use mannequins to create a Halloween family eating dinner around the table. Make this the night you invite the neighbours for dinner. (They don’t need to bring anything but extra seasoning wouldn’t hurt them).

Tacky, trippy or just plain terrible sweaters for your loved ones at Halloween

Safe chemicals to throw on your children when their cheap Halloween costumes ignite

More reasons why candles are not a good thing for children to carry while trick-or-treating

Creepy Halloween toilet paper to use for papering houses, cars, people, pets, etc 

How to make your own creepy sound recordings for Halloween without really harming any children or pets.

How to spray foam on cars which is not shaving cream (which melts paint apparently)

Use cookie cutters and hot wax to shave creative Halloween patterns in your chest (or back) hair

The Train Not Taken

Originally posted: November 17, 2006

He was on the train again. The guy with a shaved head, charcoal grey suit this time and a red silky looking scarf. No hat, he never wore a hat no matter how much it snowed or rained. I always watched him, shy, from my seat. Sometimes he noticed me, sometimes he didn’t.

I hadn’t seen him this past week. One whole week of commuting without seeing him. I had nearly cried on Friday night, thinking he must have moved or changed jobs and I would never have the chance to meet him now. I regretted not doing something, even something really dumb.

But, there he was back again. Same shaved head, same suit and that same smiley face. He was just one of those people who seemed to smile easily. Sometimes he had conversations with the people around his seat. He laughed easily too and it was a laugh that made me smile, even on the hardest days when I felt worn down to a stub of myself.

I had to meet him tonight, finally. I couldn’t let another day pass by. Maybe he had moved and today was one last trip on the old commuter train. My palms were slick and my stomach in knots but I just had to do something this time.

I knew I looked ok, not one of my better days for looks but it wasn’t too bad. Hopefully I didn’t get too wind blown while I was waiting at my stop for the train. I couldn’t quite dare reach up to pat my hair, he might look over at just that moment. Continue reading The Train Not Taken

Mechaphilia or Technosexual?

The following sound like the same thing and yet, there is a difference. I think.

Technosexual: A person with a sexual attraction to machinery, as in the case of robot fetishism. When used thus, it is a portmanteau word combining “technophile” and “sexual”.

Mechaphilia or Mechanophilia is a paraphilia describing a sexual attraction to machines such as bicycles, motor vehicles, helicopters, and aeroplanes.

The small difference I see between these two terms is that the technosexual is attracted to machinery which can give something back (like the robot which is more like a mechanical being than a mechanical thing). Have you ever seen someone with a fetish for a machine which was not humanized in some way? It’s an interesting topic for thought.

We name mechanical things in our lives, like cars and boats. How much farther is it to be attracted to these named mechanical creations? A bit far for me. There is a difference between having a personal attachment to something versus going that step farther into having a romantic attachment to the same object.

You Thought it was Just Baby Shaking…

I read this whole thing in email. I don’t know how or why it was sent to me. I don’t have children. But, as I was reading it I had the thought… why don’t car manufacturers just have a setting which keeps the car from overheating inside? They have many other safety features for children/ parents. It would also save all those pets left in cars.

There are all sorts of stories that are almost identical to Brenda’s, all over the world. They are all incidents in which tired, busy or overwhelmed parents simply forgot to take their kid to a babysitter, or into the house after being out, and they were left to die in hot cars.

Each year in the US, about 37 babies and toddlers die when they are accidentally left strapped in car safety seats or become trapped in vehicles that rapidly heat up.
Since 1998, there have been at least 570 documented cases of heatstroke deaths of children in vehicles.

It has become my mission to speak the message of being a “conscious” parent. I now appear in articles, blogs and the like discussing top tips for mums to slow down and stop being “rushing women”.

Here are some of my top tips to prevent accidents like this:

Never leave a child unattended in a vehicle.
If you see a child unattended in a hot vehicle, call 000.
Be sure all occupants leave the vehicle when unloading. Don’t overlook sleeping babies.
Always lock your car and ensure children do not have access to keys or remote entry devices. If a child is missing, always check a pool first, then the car, including the trunk.
Keep a stuffed animal in the car seat and when the child is in the seat, place the stuffed animal in the front seat with the driver. Or, place your purse or briefcase in the back seat so that you will have to look in the back to retrieve it, thereby seeing your child.
Make “look before you leave” a routine whenever you get out of the car. I see some stores has a sign on its entrance that reminds shoppers to be sure that they have all their children out of the car before they go in the store.
Have a plan that your childcare provider will call you if your child does not show up to daycare

Cause Him Trouble

“THROUGH A RAPIST’S EYES” (PLS TAKE TIME TO READ THIS. it may save a life.) Click Share Button To share it on your Wall.

It seems that a lot of attackers use some tactic to get away with violence. Not many people know how to take care of themselves when faced with such a situation. Everyone should read this especially each n every girl in this world.

THOUGHT THIS WAS GOOD INFO TO PASS ALONG…
FYI – Through a rapist’s eyes! A group of rapists and date rapists in prison were interviewed on what they look for in a potential victim and here are some interesting facts:

1] The first thing men look for in a potential victim is hairstyle.
They are most likely to go after a woman with a ponytail, bun! , braid
or other hairstyle that can easily be grabbed. They are also likely to go after a woman with long hair. Women with short hair are not common targets. Continue reading Cause Him Trouble

Are Men’s Bodies Ugly?

Men’s bodies are sexy. If women didn’t find men’s bodies sexy we would all be with women or robots or just remain single and celibate.

I was asked how I know I’m straight. The first thing that came to mind was that when I imagine someone’s hands on me I see a man’s hands – big, strong hands, no nail polish. I like the way men’s bodies look. I like the whiskers on their face when they skip shaving. I like the line down their back leading down to their butt. I like their chest, especially if they’ve got some muscles to show off. Muscles are sexy. Tall men are sexier cause I like a man who makes me feel feminine. 
Women’s bodies get promoted/ used to sell cars, beer, clothes, etc. So women are seen as sexy because our bodies can sell cars to men. Watching these ads I don’t think they are selling products as much as they are peddling sex and selling women’s bodies as something sexual. That doesn’t mean men are not sexy. It just means the advertisers are still mainly selling to men rather than considering women, couples and families as their target market.
Also, because female nudity is more common people do feel more shocked and intimidated about male nudity. We are accustomed to female bodies both fully nude or mostly revealed. It’s silly to me how often a woman’s breasts are shown and how they won’t even show a male butt, that is somehow more perverted. I have always found that really annoying. Not as discrimination but for how it makes women’s bodies seem a sexual tool versus someone who is a real person, a wife, a Mother. There is a respect for male nudity which isn’t there for female nudity. 
Just as breastfeeding is far too shocking to be done in public (according to some) male nudity is seen as unnatural. Why is the natural purpose for breasts shocking and yet they can be shown fully nude as a sexual thing in movies and advertising? Why don’t we see a male butt exposed in any ads in magazines, on billboards and websites? Why are the erotic photos of men usually geared to gay men, not women? 
Men’s bodies are not ugly, but they are still covered up.  Look at the way young men and women dress. The men wear long shorts down to their knees and shirts which cover them just as well. Meanwhile the woman they are with is likely wearing far less. Why? Are men the new nuns? Are we ashamed of the male body? 
It’s not that I want to see more male nudity. I just would like to see less female nudity. Both men and women should have a respect for their bodies and neither should be used to sell products. I do find the male body attractive but that has it’s place. I’d be less likely to buy a car which was sold in an ad where men are leaning over it half dressed. I’d wonder what they were doing and think they should have focused on the features of the car rather than the hunky guy that doesn’t come with it.

Haunted or Not?

This  was posted on Facebook as a Halloween thing, something meant to be spooky, creepy, etc. I never see the old houses that way. To me they look sad, lost, a little mysterious and a stepping stone to our history, our identity. I feel bad for the houses when people think they are haunted or creepy. It’s like someone seeing your Grandmother and thinking she is ugly. I guess I do give the houses feelings, even though they are not living things, exactly. People name boats, give them a personality why don’t more houses and cars get names too? What would you name this house, in the picture above? What would you name your own home, whether it’s a house or part of a building that you live in?

Girlfriend Wanted

This was originally posted in February on Gublernation.

girlfriend wanted
must love decorating for holidays
mischief
kissing in cars
and wind chimes

no specific height
weight
hair color
or political affiliation required
but would prefer a warm spirited non racist

cynics
critics
pessimists
and “stick in the muds” need not reply

voluptuous figures a plus

any similarity in look, mind set, or fashion sense to
mary poppins
claire huxtable
snow white
or elvira wholeheartedly welcomed

i am dubious of actresses, fellons, and lesbians
but dont want to rule them out entirely

must be tolerant of whistling
tickle torture
james taylor
and sleeping late

i have a slight limp
eerily soft hands
and a preternatural love of autumn

I once misinterpreted being called a coal-eyed dandy as a compliment when it was intended as an insult

I wiggle my feet in my sleep
am scared of the dark
and think the Muppets Christmas Carol is one of the greatest films of all time

all i want is
butterfly kisses in the morning
peanut butter sandwiches shaped like a heart
and to make you smile until it hurts

What do you think? Does it sound sincere, appealing or does it turn you off? Would you reply to his ad for a girlfriend?

When I read it I think I would rather know what he does want when it comes to how his girlfriend should look. I’d like to see more specifics. Too many times I have had a guy stop talking with me (in email, or after a real meeting) because I didn’t fit his standards for looks. I’d rather spare myself the time and energy of getting to know a guy who is going to dump me without a backward glance based on something superficial.

Also, though I don’t want a guy who is a rock, I don’t want one that is too sentimental either. I want to feel I am dealing with someone who can be a grown up along with me, not someone I will feel I have to baby along or pull away from the toy store window and candy aisle. It feels really lonely when you feel you are the only adult in the relationship. I don’t want to hold his hand for anything less than romantic reasons, two adults walking side by side and feeling good about being together.

Overall, it’s nice to read something romantic and poetic like this. I like hearing about the little things like wiggly feet at night, whistling and autumn. I like someone who notices the little things as I do. Still, I don’t feel this is a guy I would be happy with. Which is fine, cause there are a lot of women who have had different experiences from my own and would love a romantic poet.

Creep Night

Creep Night
Originally published in Adult BackWash: Monday September 30, 2002

“Well here I am, what’s the big surprise?”

The room remained just as dark and quiet. Shelly waited, one hand touching the concrete wall, keeping track of the door she had just closed behind her.

“Did someone fall asleep at the switch?” Shelly called, a little louder. Still nothing.

All her friends and especially her Mother, would have told her she was crazy, behaving dangerously, to meet some unknown man in some out of the way place she had never been to before. But, something about him, the letter he wrote, had called to her and here she was.

“I’m going to leave by the time I count to 10. I don’t know if you’re extremely shy or extremely demented.” Counting inside her head, she felt her way along the wall, until the doorknob was in her hand. At ten, she turned the knob, wondering if it would actually open. The door opened and she stepped out, back into the bar with its crowd of drinkers and smokers. The world seemed OK, safe or at least neutral again.

Taking a few slow breaths to slow down her panicky heart beat, Shelly took a seat at the bar. The bartender looked up as she sat down. “I’d like a plain diet Coke please.”

“You want a shot of something in that?”

“No thanks, I’m not going to stay that long.”

“No problem. Most of them rush off quicker than you.” He turned away then, leaving Shelly wondering who most of them were.

The waitress brought her Coke. Shelly tried to ask her about the room and others who came to it, but the woman just shrugged her off. The bartender seemed to ignore her attempts to attract his attention. When she finished her Coke she decided it didn’t really matter all that much anyway. She left, got into her car and drove back to her apartment. The funny thing about the whole thing was how the darkness in the room had seemed to reach out to her, as if it were more than just air without light.

After a few months she forgot all about it.

It was a Friday, just after she pulled a long night at work, sorting out a messy situation. The parking lot at the office was dark and empty of all people and all cars, but for her own. She was a bit unnerved by the lack of lights, the lot was usually well lit for any late workers. The security people kept lights on until the change of shift at 9:00, even then there were muted lights all night long. But, her car was parked close to the building, it would only take her a minute to jump in and lock the doors behind her. Key in hand, locating her car from the lights flooding out of the doorway, she made it a brisk walk.

She hadn’t counted on the time it took to actually find the key hole to unlock her car. In the quiet darkness she began to feel warmth on the back of her neck, as if someone was standing right behind her. Heart pounding, she chanced a quick look, nothing, just the warm dark summer night. There was a feeling though, she couldn’t shake it off, even when the key slid into the lock. Something was there, watching her, reaching out in the darkness.

Shelly slipped inside and locked the doors. Thank whoever for power locks, she whispered to herself. The car started right up and the headlights scanned the parking lot as she made a circle to pull out. Nothing, just darkness and that same, almost creepy, feeling.

About an hour later, soaking away the cares of the day in a hot, soapy bathtub, Shelly wondered what it was about the whole parking lot incident that had bothered her. So the lights were out, that was a bit of a worry. It’s not like there is a pervert around every corner. Besides, they would have to get past all the security to be in the parking lot. A woman had been raped and brutally murdered there just over 2 years ago. Since then security had been beefed up until there was no chance for even a fly could get past them. Only employees were allowed to enter anywhere. Long before the bath water had gotten cold or the last bubble popped, Shelly had convinced herself she was just working too late, too many days in a row.

Over the weekend Shelly had arranged to meet her Mother for some antiquing. Not that either of them needed more stuff, you just never knew what wonderful, old, unique and totally useless stuff you could find. The day was perfect, bright and sunny, not a cloud in the sky. Shelly wore the sun dress she had bought and been looking forward to showing off since June. She felt pretty and young and happy. Her Mother said she hadn’t seen her looking so carefree in ages. They had a great day together.

Only one odd thing happened, at a moment when her Mother was looking at some old chest, Shelly wandered off to look at a chest of drawers. There was a man standing by the same chest, he was looking at a wardrobe. It was huge with tons of wood carving, images of dragons, unicorns, castles and fair ladies. Shelly stopped to admire it and wonder who had done all that work.

“It’s beautiful isn’t it?” She said.

“Yes, I’m probably going to bid on it, if it’s not too far out of my price range.” Said the man. He was tall, dark hair and deep greenish eyes. When he smiled his eyes sparkled. Right away Shelly was attracted to him and curious to find out more.

“Hopefully your wife hasn’t found something expensive to bid on.”

“I’m not married, Shelly.” He said. “Good luck with your own bidding.” He left, leaving behind the memory of his sexy smile. How had he known her name?

Her Mother came along then, breaking into her thoughts. “Let’s find a seat Shelly. I want to bid on that old dollhouse for Jared’s daughters. Are dollhouses too old fashioned these days?”

Nearly a month later, the bouquet of wildflowers came. Shelly put them in her biggest, tallest vase and still had a few flowers left over for two small vases. The flowers must have cost a fortune and there was no real clue about who the sender was. The card only said, “Looking forward to the pleasure of your company again soon.” Taped to the back of the card was a ticket to the theatre for the next weekend. The show was “Taming of the Shrew” one of her favourite plays. It was the only Shakespeare she had enjoyed in school. Who would know her well enough to know both, her favourite flowers as well?

The rest of the week passed quickly. Shelly had already planned what she would wear and what she would say. Mostly the questions she would ask. It was odd to have a second mystery invitation. Hopefully, this one would show up for the date.

The theatre was flowing with people. Most seemed to have their tickets in advance and just breezed through the big golden doors. Shelly followed them along, ticket in hand. Inside she showed her ticket to the staff. The young woman gave her a surprised look but covered it and pointed her to a door off to the side of the main doors. “Enjoy the show, Ma’am.”

The door was covered in red velvet, fancier than the main doors everyone else was going through to their seats. She let herself inside, to a small wooden staircase. The steps were cushioned in more red velvet. The wood was beautifully carved, mermaids, dragons and countless fantasy creatures climbed along the banister, all the way to the top of the staircase. Shelly wished she had brought a camera. There wasn’t enough time to really admire all the carving now. Not with her mystery date waiting somewhere ahead.

At the end of a short, luxurious looking hallway was a single door. As she watched the handle turned, the door opened and from the dimness inside she heard a male voice, “Please come in Shelly, I’m sure you’re very curious by now.”

Feeling just a little uncertain, Shelly walked down the hallway and through the door. There was very little light inside. In the shadows she could make out the figure of a man, standing. He waved her to a seat. The only real light came from the stage below. The curtain was not up yet but the lights had been dimmed.

“You’re quiet. I thought you would have at least a few questions about me, how I know you.” He said. His voice was smoothly masculine, suited to the soft darkness of the theatre box.

“Now that I’m here I don’t know where to begin. Who are you and how do you know me?”

“You won’t know me by my name. I’m Sebastian Russell. I know you because I see you fairly often, I’m one of the owners of the company you work for. Actually, I own the company that owns it and others like it.”

“Well, thanks for the introduction. Why all the mystery?” Asked Shelly.

“After the show. The curtain is due to go up any time now. I have a whole tray of drinks and things to nibble on, set up just to your left. I’ve made late dinner reservations for after the show.” Sebastian said.

“Thanks for inviting me. The Shrew is one of my favourite plays.”

“I’m glad you came, enjoy the show.”

With more than a little fanfare, the curtain rose. Still, there was not enough light in the box for her to see him. He remained seated just behind her and off to the left. She tried not to be unnerved by it. During the intermission when the lights came up she looked back to find herself alone. The hallway was also empty, as if no one had been there. It was an eerie feeling.

Back in the booth the tray of goodies beckoned her. In order to fit into her fancy new dress she had skipped lunch and dinner. By the time the lights dimmed again she had eaten 2 fancy little sandwiches and was still sipping a Coke with a lemon twist. Sebastian was still no where to be found.

Moments after the show began the door opened and he took his seat. “Sorry to leave you Shelly. I had to return a phone call.”

Soon she was again swept away by the performance on-stage. She laughed at her favourite parts, the actress playing Kate was especially good in the role. At the end as the lights came up and the curtain dropped she stood up to give Kate extra appreciation. An hour or so later, as the actors made their last bows she turned to her host.

The breath was crushed out of her smile. He was the man from the auction, only this man had a horrible scar running across most of his face. It was ugly, more so because his face should have been very handsome. He looked like some hero in a romance novel but for the wound which ripped across his face. Of course it was a healed wound, but still raised up and bumpy in parts and discoloured in others.

“It’s pretty gruesome looking isn’t it?” He said, watching her quietly.

Shelly sank back down into her seat, facing him. “How did that happen?”

“A few months ago, it’s much better than it was, not that you could tell.” He laughed harshly. Neither of them spoke for awhile.

“I meant to keep our date back then Shelly. I had the whole thing planned. That room at the bar is something I keep for myself. The bar is one of my holdings and I live over it actually. It suits me and I keep out of the news there. It’s not exactly luxurious looking on the outside so no one looks for me there. It worked well during my carefree playboy days.”

“That was you?”

“Yes, I had the accident that night. There was no way I could let you know ahead of time and then I just didn’t know how to approach you.”

“I’m sorry.” Shelly said, almost a whisper.

“Me too. I’m still not used to catching myself in the mirror. I scare myself, I don’t want to imagine how I look to you. Nothing like myself.”

“Who was the man at the auction? He looked a lot like you.”

“It was me. I’ve had a mask made so I can go about and not scare small children. It’s not easy to wear it though, my face…” Sebastian sighed. “Would you like to go out to dinner Shelly?”

He was every girl’s Beauty and the Beast fantasy. How could she resist? “Yes. Where do you want to go?”

“Somewhere public. I think I’ve worried you enough, skulking about, watching you when I could. You know, you really shouldn’t have agreed to meet me at that bar. I often think you take too many chances when you don’t need to.”

Shelly laughed, “If I always played safe I wouldn’t be here.”

“I’m aware of the irony.” He sighed. “Shall we go? I’ll just take a moment to put on the mask before we head down.”

“What about all the food on the tray?”

“I have staff who will clear it up. They watched the play too and will be waiting for us to move on so they can pack up and go home.”

“Pretty convenient. Are you aware of how much this is sounding like some Beauty and the Beast fairytale?” Shelly said.

“Yes, its your favourite isn’t it? That’s why you like the Shrew too.” He hesitated, adjusting a clear plastic looking mask over his features. “If you get to know the Beast maybe we can make a fairytale of our own.”

“We’ll see. No more hiding in the darkness though.”

They left the theatre together. Sebastian took her arm, as a good Beast should.

Rufus, the Monster Truck

Originally posted to Adult BackWash, my weekly column was Bait and Switch: Friday July 19, 2002

I drove the old Ford truck today. These days it looks more like something you would leave out in the back 40 acres for picking up hay bales now and then. It does seem to run ok, I didn’t have any trouble with it. I thought I might when I got my first real look at it. I hadn’t seen it since Todd and I drove around in it while we were still dating. I guess that is 3 years ago, or more. Poor old truck, I felt sorry for it.

It was “interesting” to drive. I can’t pick another word. Not challenging exactly, I didn’t have any real problems. It was exciting. All that horse power (all 8 or so of them) and the hugeness of the truck itself. When I stood outside the truck it was taller than I am. Just to get in I had to half climb up to the seat. Rufus, as I began to call him, could easily drive right over most of those other cars on the road and I would have just thought it was roadkill.

Driving Rufus was fun, if a little too exciting, around some of those corners. Rufus just has so much power, one tap on the gas and he wants to fly off the handle. At one tight corner I thought the whole truck was going to tip over and tumble down into the ditch.

On the deserted backroad, well paved but no cars or houses, I let Rufus have his head. I could tell he wanted to all day, he was just holding back. Just a bit of pressure on the gas and Rufus surged forward with a roar. I took it up to just over 120 K. Rufus is old but I could tell he would have liked me to let him race and hit that 140 K mark where the spedometer ends and its just Rufus and the bare roadway ahead. But I held him back, images of small animals and pedestrians pushing themselves into my mind.

I’d definitely take Rufus out on another date. Beat up as he is, he had a powerful, masterly style. I told him, if he was a real man I’d go for him, all the way.