Impress Women in the Kitchen

I found an old blog. A shame the writer, Rodney, didn’t stick with it. I had fun reading/ cruising through his posts.

He even dared to write about women. I admit, from a happily married man I expect he has some clue. Rodney didn’t let me down. Though he isn’t always right, he does have some sense.  His overall conclusion was the best way to impress women was in the kitchen. I agree, it is one good way to impress women. As he says in the beginning, this is a general thing. For instance, I won’t be ironing wrinkles out of anyone’s shirt, husband, general male or so on. I don’t want to iron for myself or anyone else.

Read for fun, don’t get bent out of shape. Rodney has long abandoned this site and won’t be around to read your comments.

impressinkitchen

Labels in BDSM: 30 Days of Dominance

Day 1 – Does your Dominance – either what you practice or what you strive for – have a label? Do you view your preferred Dominant style as Taken in Hand, Domestic Discipline, Top/bottom, Dominant/submissive, Master/slave, Owner/pet, or some other description or combination? If you do not use a label, why?

Labels can work as a general description. A label can communication to someone else much easier than trying to pin point and cover every nuance and detail of what you are doing and why you do it.

A label can confine, limit and set you up with a lot of standards and expectations – if you deal with people who care about belonging to a group or niche within that label. Trying to keep the group “pure” so they can have their club means they have to set rules to keep people out. Everyone can’t belong to the group/ niche. This is where labels become too important and strict.

I prefer a label as just a general description. I do understand the group mentality, but I like to adapt, evolve and generally have the space to do things as I choose. Group acceptance comes to those who confidently set the fashions. After all, every group needs leaders.

I like Domestic Discipline, owner/ pet and a merge of styles. I also like to come up with my own ideas. Someone might take the time to label and categorize them. That seems less important to me.

Beginners Guide for Becoming a Male Submissive

The BDSM experience is different for men and women, in several ways. Women are more careful about meeting men. Women may be looking for romance and affection, a relationship while men really just want sex. Women tend to get pushed into things they really don’t want to do, in order to keep the peace.

I often read people (men) claiming women into Domming are rare. In my experience this is not true. I encounter many women who would enjoy Domming men, if they could find one who meets their needs.

505383

Being a male submissive may not be what you think it is at all

There are very few men who understand what a Dom woman is looking for, what she actually wants. She does not want to be the Dom you see in pornography. If you are looking for a woman to fulfill all your porno fantasies of what male submission should be… pay for it. Professional sex workers will dress the part and read from whatever script you want, do it your way (as long as safety is considered) and give you what you want as you expect to have it.

Real women who Dom, just because they want to, will want to do things their own way. Real women Doms have their own fantasies, their own desires and plans for play, teasing, romance, seduction, torment and all their own fetishes and kinks. They will want you to please them and that may not include any of the fetishes and kinks you have been fantasizing about.

A real woman may not want a man slobbering on her shoes or expecting to wear her underwear, for instance.  Some women may like the idea of training men to submit while others think they should already be house broken.

Worship and begging may not appeal to her. For myself, both of these are a turn off. The real appeal of having a male submissive is that he be a man, strong, clever, manly and yet my submissive. Retain your dignity and be a male submissive worth having and keeping.

Before you Begin…

Decide if you actually want the reality.

Do you want a woman telling you what to do? Are you willing to be disappointed when she isn’t interested in doing what you want, the way you want it? Will you let her lead or will you try to pressure her into giving you what you want instead?

Do not manipulate your Dom. Yes, it is fun to have the erotic play of teasing, denial, struggling and so on… but it should be sincerely part of the fun and not “topping from the bottom”. Two people sincerely invested in D/s can have a lot of fun, pleasure and explorations. If you top from the bottom (manipulate your Dom) you cheat yourself from ever having the real experience of submitting, serving and discovering the pleasure of being a male submissive in reality.

Also, no Dom woman likes to be manipulated. We get this from almost every so-called male sub on dating sites and etc. It is very discouraging. If you wonder why there are so few women into Domming – this would be the number one reason.

If you can’t let go of your expectations then consider paying for what you want and getting it from a McDomme (paid to do it your way).

What are you really willing to do?

Too many men have a list of fetish and kink ideas but no thoughts about the reality. This is especially a bad idea when it comes to health and safety. There are several things which will sound good on paper or turn you on when you watch a video… but reality is not like that. Reality is messier, reality is less planned and professional, less perfect and reality has accidents and misunderstandings.

Never say you are willing to do anything/ everything. Because you aren’t. No one is – unless it’s make believe and pretend.

Read about the reality of your fetishes and kinks. Instead of watching the porn find someone who really has done it and read about their experience. What went wrong, what didn’t work and how did they learn to do it better or another way. Research the reality. Even if you have no experience you can read the experience of others (just not the porn version).

Consider safety and be practical about it

If you have issues such as allergies, a phobia, dislikes put together a list of these issues. Personally, I don’t like having something close around my neck or mouth because I grew up with asthma. I’m also allergic to animals which limits the places and people I can spend time with to some extent. These are things to be aware of, for yourself and the woman Dom you would like to meet.

Although safety and health are more up to the Dom in a D/s relationship you can’t expect her to know your needs, read your mind or use telepathy to know there is a problem.

Safe words are not that reliable. If there is a real problem, something sudden, you need communication which won’t be forgotten in the moment or confused with something else.  A direct safe word, like stop, is better than trying for some secret code you may not remember when you need it. If you use the safe word for effect rather than actually needing it the play stops anyway. Respect the safe word – it’s not a game.

Communicate and talk about anything you plan to do. Start simple and leave yourself room to back out or change the plan. you may think you want to start with the hard stuff but discover your feelings were far more involved when it was actually happening. It is possible to discover you  have a phobia or intense dislike you didn’t know you had until you tried something. This can be especially true with bondage. Actually being confined is not just as you imagine it to be. Explore and experiment with baby steps and savour the experiences as you go.

Submission is not a gift

Years ago the idea that submission is a gift started in the online BDSM groups. This is not the right attitude. Domination is just as much a gift, if you want to consider either of them a gift at all.

You have chosen to submit and your Dom has chosen to lead you, to control you and to own you (up to a point). She is not likely to want to micro-manage you. Being the Dom is a responsibility. It’s not easy and it is not something to take lightly. People can get hurt physically, mentally and emotionally. Both of you need to communicate to prevent problems. The gift is the relationship itself, when you can find it.

Explore and discover

  • Try blindfolding yourself in your own bed. How does it feel? Does the blindfold itch? Do you feel peaceful?
  • Sit on your hands next time you’re alone watching TV. How long can you keep yourself in this self-bondage? How uncomfortable is it?
  • Sit under a table, let it become your cage. Does the confinement bother you? Do you feel snugly caged or just trapped?
  • Try being naked when you are home alone. With the blinds or curtains closed stand naked in front of the window. Even knowing no one can see you do you get a thrill or can you not even do it at all?
  • Buy a dog collar for yourself. No one has to know you don’t have a dog (or your dog won’t be wearing this one). Wear the collar but wrap it around your wrist the first day (not your neck).
  • Even before you have a Dom you can practice serving her tea. Dress up (she doesn’t want pubic hair in her tea cup), make a plate up with pretty treats and serve tea in a teapot with a fancy teacup and saucer for her.

The reality is much different from the fantasy. Reality isn’t the porn version because it’s not scripted and the people are not actors. However, you can actually be one of the people involved rather than watching and wishing from the sidelines. Just make sure you want the reality, imperfect but not impersonal.

Sex Spelling Still Counts

sex spelling countsvia billierosie: EXTRACT: MEMOIRS OF A SEX SLAVE: THE CONFESSIONS OF A SUBMISSIVE WOMAN.

 

Spelling doesn’t go away just because you’re selling sex.

This is one of the differences between porn and erotica for me. If you just write something to be jerked off to… the words and spelling don’t matter so much (I guess). But, if you want to write something with a story, with words people will actually read versus skim, then it does matter what you write and how you write it.

Adult Babies and Infantalism

I’ve come to conclude that the adult baby fetish is not my thing. I do like age play, to a point. However, there is no way I want to change an adult diaper. I can’t find anything sexy or appealing in that. An adult wetting or wearing a wet diaper is not a turn on for me.

Most of all, I think it would feel very lonely as the Domme in an adult baby relationship. Speaking for myself only but thinking of experience I have had where two people in a relationship don’t have a balance, or have the same level for communication, interaction and intimacy. It gets lonely when you are the only adult in a relationship. Sure, it can be fun for an hour, or an afternoon. But, at some point I’d begin to feel isolated and wish I had an adult to be an adult with.

I don’t understand the allure of being an infant. I admit I look after children but I prefer not to look after babies. They eat, sleep and need to be cleaned up. At least children can carry some sort of conversation, play a game, help wash dishes, and so on. A baby is nice, but even nicer to leave them nap while I go on and do more interesting things.

adult baby

10 Strangest Adult Babies via Oddee.com

30 Days of Dominance

Found this posted to several Tumblr BDSM sites. Another project, for another time.

Day 1 – Does your Dominance – either what you practice or what you strive for – have a label? Do you view your preferred Dominant style as Taken in Hand, Domestic Discipline, Top/bottom, Dominant/submissive, Master/slave, Owner/pet, or some other description or combination? If you do not use a label, why?

Day 2 – Describe what you are looking for in a submissive and the techniques you might use to instill those characteristics in your submissive. Are you exclusively Dominant in marriage or just in the bedroom? Are you Dominant only in the context of a scene or in a role or throughout your daily life? Are you Dominant to play partners or only in the context of a relationship?

Day 3 – How do you know you are a Dominant or have the potential to be Dominant? How do you feel when you express your Dominance?

Day 4 – Do you switch into a submissive role at any time? Are you a “switch” in BDSM terms? If not, have you ever thought about it or given thought to why it’s not for you? If you are in a Domestic Discipline relationship, are there things that you do not maintain control over?

Day 5 – Have you been or are you in a Dominant/submissive dynamic relationship or is this new to you? Have you been in more than one D/s relationship? How were they the same? How were they different? What is unique about your relationships in your mind?

Day 6 – What do you feel are the roots of your Dominance? Do you think it has something to do with childhood, upbringing or parental example? Is it a relationship management tool as in the practice of domestic discipline? Is it a sexual thrill or something else?

Day 7 – Do you inflict discipline or punishment as part of your Dominance? Why or why not? How do you feel about discipline and punishment as tools used to invoke and maintain submission from your partner/s?

Day 8 – Is spanking or corporal punishment part of your Dominance? Why or why not? How do you feel about spanking and/or corporal punishment as tools used to invoke and maintain submission from your partner/s?

Day 9 – Do you set and enforce structure, rules and limits as part of your Dominance? Why or why not? How do you feel about the use of structure, rules and limits as tools used to invoke and maintain submission from your partner/s?

Day 10 – Do you utilise any elements of BDSM in your Dominant style? How do you feel about BDSM? Is it core to your Dominance, peripheral or non-existent?

Day 11 – Do you expect servitude from your submissive/s? How do you define servitude and service? What does it mean to you? If you do not seek or expect servitude from your submissive/s, what is it about the concept of servitude that is not for you?

Day 12 – Do you expect financial submission from submissive partner/s? If yes, how does it manifest itself? If no, is there a particular reason why? Are you familiar with the concept of financial submission? Do you have an opinion about financial submission in general?

Day 13 – Is sexual availability, having your submissive partner/s sexually available to you at any time and in any manner you choose, part of your expectations as a Dominant? Why or why not? Are there acceptable limits to this? If so, what are they?

Day 14 – Does religion have any bearing on your Dominance or the way you expect your partner/s to submit? If not, are you familiar with religious based submission and do you view it as similar to other types of submission or dissimilar?

Day 15 – Has your Dominance evolved over time? If so, how has it evolved for you? What do you attribute this evolution (or lack of) to?

Day 16 – Have you found that your Dominance has changed with different partners or relationships? If you’re involved with, or have been involved with, partners of both sexes, has your Dominance changed based on gender or do you feel that it is dependent on the submissive as an individual?

Day 17 – What does trust mean to you in the context of Dominance? How do you inspire trust in your submissive?

Day 18 – There is a common misconception that the submissive partner in a D/s relationship loses the ability to have and express an opinion. How does communication factor into your Dominance and what expectations do you have in terms of your submissive expressing their desires and needs? Is it limited in time, place or manner?

Day 19 – How socially connected are you as a Dominant? Do you look for others to talk to about your Dominance either for support, learning, educating or networking? Do you go to events or connect through another sort of social grouping either in person or online?

Day 20 – Has your Dominance increased or decreased over time? Have you ever had to renegotiate with your submissive due to a change in feelings or circumstance? Have your interests as a Dominant expanded or contracted over time?

Day 21 – Is there a physical position that makes you feel most Dominant? Is there a physical position you prefer your submissive to take in order to express their submission?

Day 22 – Can you feel Dominant without a submissive partner? If so, how does your Dominance express itself? If not, how do you handle your need to be Dominant?

Day 23 – Is there anything about Dominance, either your own or what you see in others, which you question, dislike or are repelled by? Was there a time you questioned or were resistant to your own Dominant needs and desires?

Day 24 – What are the emotions that most directly let you access your Dominance? What feelings do they inspire?

Day 25 – Are there items, objects or rituals that represent or help you express your Dominance? If not, have you ever thought of adding or being gifted one? Is there a special significance to these objects or rituals?

Day 26 – What are the qualities that you seek in a submissive partner? Are there qualities which you consider ‘must haves’ or ‘must not haves’? If so, what are they and for what reasons are they ‘must haves’ or ‘must not haves’?

Day 27 – Do you have Dominant desires or fantasies that you have yet to explore? Do some of your desires confuse or frighten you? Do they excite you?

Day 28 – Has your Dominance ever failed you? Have you ever been criticised or received negative feedback for your Dominance? Have you ever regretted your actions or emotions as a Dominant either in a moment or in a relationship? Have you ever looked back and realised you made a mistake and, if so, what lessons did you learn and how did you apply them?

Day 29 – Is pain or humiliation part of your Dominant expression? What is your relationship to pain and humiliation? Do you embrace it as part of your Dominance, inflict it reluctantly or have some other type of relationship with it?

Day 30 – Is your need to be Dominant being met? If not, or if your situation changed, do you think that you could continue in your life and be happy and content without being able to express your Dominance in the way that feels best to you? What makes being a Dominant special to you?

Beginners Guide for Becoming a FemDom

held captive

BDSM has been exploding ever since Fifty Shades of Grey. Women who had lost touch with their sexual selves were now running back to their partners and jumping into bed with a new level of enthusiasm, lust and need. Bondage toys were flying off the shelves of internet stores like Adam & Eve, hardware stores sold out of rope and BDSM classes and tutorials were over-booked. But all of this BDSM focused on the woman being the submissive and the man being the dominant. Nothing spoke to the woman who wanted to be the dominant, making it seem like that wasn’t the natural way of things and that the woman had to be submissive. Well, Fifty Shades of Grey fanatics would be wrong. Being a female dominant, frequently abbreviated to FemDom, can be just as fulfilling and rewarding as being a submissive, if not more. But where and how do you begin?

Maybe you’re here because you want to take on the FemDom position in your current relationship or are looking to start one? Perhaps, your partner really wants you to do it and you just don’t know how, whatever the case, it’s important to read as much as you can about the lifestyle and step in slowly. An interesting fact is that there are far fewer FemDoms than submissives, so if you were looking to start a new relationship, you’re likely to have a good amount of men to choose from. FemDoms are also not those cliche images you see of them in movies and shows–the overly latexed, gothic girl, who’s ready stomp on your brain. You can certainly wear whatever you want and a costume is a great way to get into the mood, but if you’re not a leather, latex and spike kind of girl, you don’t have to do it. You can be a FemDom in an apron and 50s style dress if you want. It’s all about attitude, the outfit is just for show.

When you’re beginning your foray into domination, make sure you keep open communication with your partner. It is likely they’ve been on board from the start if they were prompting you to do so or knew you were interested, but you should still talk about limits. What kind of domination do they like? Are they ok with pain? What kind and how much? You might be controlling them, but you still need to set initial parameters to make sure no one gets hurt. It’s also key to set up a safe word that you can both use when things are becoming too much.

A really great way to get the relationship started is by assigning names to each other. Make him call you mistress, your highness, master…whatever you want. And make sure he is only referred to as something demeaning like slave, pussy etc.

When it comes to domination, you have to assert your power and control. You can do this by teasing your partner, humiliating them and punishing them. These things may be totally new for you, so ease in them slowly if you feel a little uncomfortable demanding your partner do things.

Teasing can be as easy as tying up your partner and then sitting on their face, blindfolding them, making them kneel for you, telling them they can’t come until you want them to, forcing them to get you off over and over again. Assert your dominance, get the pleasure you want and deny them of theirs.

Humiliation will come into play when they will do anything for you and anything to get off. This can be a lot of fun. You can make him do housework for you (two birds with one stone!), dress up like a girl, put a leash and collar on him, make him give you a massage, or make him use a dildo on himself. Be inspired by the moment and just go with it. It will be fun to see how far he will go.

Punishment can be a hard one to get used to if you’re not used to watching your partner be in pain–but you have to remember, it’s what they want. You can try ball gagging them, hog-tying, spanking or whipping them, denying them orgasm for an extended period of time, or even use nipple clamps on them. This is where its important to remember their limits and be aware of their threshold for pain.

Once you start experimenting, you’ll find a rhythm and figure out what you and your partner like and what works for you. From there keep exploring, keep reading and take part in some lifestyle events where you can meet more people like you and learn from others. Have fun and be open-minded!

Note: This is a guest post. Not all of the opinions are the same as my own.

The Spencer Spanking Plan, 1936

The Spencer Spanking Plan

 

By Dorothy Spencer

 

*this was written so long ago that we believe it has fallen out of copyright. In any case, if you know who Dorothy Spencer is, we’d like to give her credit for this very entertaining piece.

 

 

Foreword

Several years ago I conceived the idea of settling domestic misunderstandings in our home upon a somewhat unique basis — the giving of and submitting to carefully regulated corporal punishment. Continue reading The Spencer Spanking Plan, 1936

How a Domme Thinks

from the Seekers site

In a D/s relationship the submissive should put your desires before their own. They will do this even if some of their needs are not being met, but they will be unable to sustain this. If most of their needs are not met, eventually they will become overly emotional, become exhausted, or become very demanding.
As long as you are meeting most of the subs needs all of the time, things will run smoothly. They will put your desires before their own and derive pleasure in doing so. This satisfies their need for both control and submission, to some degree (aren’t we lucky, some of their needs are being met by meeting ours).
It is my responsibility to know what I need and what I want. I must also know what I will not tolerate as well as what I cannot live without. This is work that, I have done before I seek out a submissive.

The following is a list of my needs; that is, they are a list of things that in their absence, I would be so unhappy that I would be willing to end my relationship.

MY NEEDS

* I need to be in control.
* I need to be respected.
* I need to be admired.
* I need to be trusted.
* I need to teach and lead the submissive.
* I need to be accepted the way I am now.
* I need to be appreciated.
* I need to be vitally important in the submissive’s life.
* I need the submissive to be strong and self-confident.
* I need space and freedom.
* I need to be sexually satisfied.
* I need to know the submissive wants to do things for me (pamper me).

If these needs are not met, the value of my relationship will fall until it becomes worthless to me.
This is not to say that the sub must satisfy each of these needs perfectly, all of the time. It is required that the sub satisfies most of them most of the time and work toward the others.

Motivation

Knowing how to motivate people is essential for a Dominant who wants their way in most everything, but it is also a useful skill for your submissive to have. This is not so they will have the information to try to manipulate you; it is for your benefit actually. If they understand what motivates you, they will be more easily able to understand why you make the behavior and speech requests that you do.

It is much easier for them to change a habit if they understand why you need them to do so and how it makes you feel to be treated a certain way. If they are naturally submissive they will want very much to make you feel good about yourself and make their best effort to change the habit that you are uncomfortable with. In this way, their need to make the “sub” happy is satisfied.

I offer my motivating factors as an example of what motivates a Domme.

I am motivated and empowered when I feel needed. When I feel I am admired and trusted because of my abilities, I am motivated to meet a sub’s needs. If I feel that I am not trusted or able to meet a sub’s needs, I will withdraw because I feel rejected.

This is the difference between a sub needing me and being needy.

A sub needs me because they know that I am capable of solving any problem we may have and they know that I will do my best to accomplish this. They trust me to take care of them, therefore they have no need to whine or nag at me.
When they are needy, they desperately cling to me and insisting that I meet their needs, their way, right now.

This behavior makes me feel that they do not accept me the way I am and is rejecting what I have to offer them. Their needing me will motivate me to do everything I can to meet their needs; their neediness will cause me to withdraw in order to protect my self-esteem. To motivate me, do or say things that reinforce my feeling that a sub needs me, admire me, and trust me.

If you want to motivate someone, it is equally important that you know what NOT to say. Saying things that invalidate your partner’s sense of self and trample on their self-esteem will kill their natural desire to work at making and keeping you happy.

The following is a list of things that will motivate and things that will block motivation.

THINGS THEY (SUBS) CAN SAY TO MOTIVATE ME:

* I need you.
* Will you explain this to me?
* Can you show me a more positive way to think about this, it is bothering me?
* I couldn’t be happy without you.
* Thank you for taking responsibility for making the hard decisions, I feel safer
* knowing that you will use all of your skills to make the best decision possible.
* You are so intelligent; I love having conversations with you.
* Thank you for listening to me.

THINGS NOT TO SAY to ME:

* You didn’t do it right.
* You are wrong.
* Why do you spend so much time away from me?
* Why can’t you listen to me now?
* Your friends are more important to you than I am.

THINGS YOU CAN SAY TO MOTIVATE A SUB:

o You are precious to me.
o You make me so happy.
o Thank you for working so hard to anticipate my needs.

THINGS NOT TO SAY to A SUB:

o I’ve told you three times already.
o I love you OK, do I have to write poetry?
o Some submissive you are.
o Why won’t you leave me alone?
o I will be back when I get back.

Loving D/s Communication

I offers some ways for subs to ask for what they need in a more respectful, straightforward manner.

How my submissive speaks to me is perhaps the single most important outward display of not only the control I have in the relationship but also how important my feelings are to the sub.
If my submissive speaks to me in a condescending manner, using phrases like, “Can’t you see that I am being submissive?” they send a clear message that they have little concern for my ego, my intelligence, or my feelings.

If they say, “Yes Ma’am, but” they are showing me and anyone within hearing distance that they have very little trust that I know what I am doing and/or that they feel arguing with me is a valid option for them.

If they whine and attempt to manipulate me to do what they want rather than be straightforward and ask for what they need, they demonstrate their lack of training and lack of communication skills.

Teaching a submissive to speak to me in a respectful manner is one of the cornerstones of having, keeping, and demonstrating my control over a sub.
I think this is what they want; to feel controlled, and presumably this is what the sub had in mind when they decided to enter into a D/s relationship.

©Reigen Du Coly

(Archived from 1998) 3 Essays on Finding a Domme, by Ms. Margo

Three Essays on Finding a Domme by Ms Margo

  • On Patience Or, How Do I Get A Dom, An·way?
  • “How do I find a Dom/Dominant/Dominatrix/domme/Goddess/Mistress/dominant Lady/dominate woman?
  • On Petitions… Or, How do I get a Mistress to accept my petition?

    “I have encountered a creature so gracious, so delicate, so noble that I cannot praise her so much nor love her so much that she would not deserve more. . . .[love put out her] nets of gold, spread among flowers, woven by Venus, so pleasant and easy that though a churlish heart might have broken them, I had no wish to do so, and for a bit I enjoyed myself in them until the tender threads became hard and secured with knots beyond untying…. And though I seem to have entered into great labor, I feel in it such sweetness … that, if I could free myself, I would not wish to do so for anything in the world. I have abandoned all thoughts and affairs that are grave and serious; I no longer delight in reading ancient things or discussing modem ones; they are all turned into soft conversations, for which I thank Venus and all Cyprus…. [as to greater things] I have never found anything in them but harm, and in those of love always good and pleasure. Farewell!”

    Yours,
    Niccoló Machiavelli

On Patience
Or, How Do I Get A Dom, Anyway?

by Ms. Margo (margo@netcom.com)
submissives copies from alt.sex.femdom

I am very often asked by novice what they need to do to find a Dominant. My first response to them is always: Be Patient. You will find that in the scene the ratio of submissives to Dominants is greater than 3:1. But not all of those submissives are “good” submissives – ones that a Dominant would be interested in spending his or her time with. Your job is to make yourself stand out from the crowd.

This is the first point where patience comes into play. Although you certainly have to approve of your Dom, you need them to approve of you, and want to play with you. This won’t happen if you pester the Dom, or make comments like, “I’ve been on the Net for a week! Come on!” A Dominant is a Dominant _person_ and you should treat them with respect and courtesy. Just because they are a Dominant, they are under no obligation to use their talents in the Dominant arts on you.

Some submissives look for years to find a Dominant with whom they can have satisfying play. It’s much the same as trying to find a compatible boyfriend or girlfriend, but with the added criterion that the person must be scene-compatible with you as well. Take your time and be a little choosy. You will be much more likely to have good scenes with someone that you are truly compatible and feel comfortable with, then you would be with the first Dom to come along.

Impatient and pushy submissives don’t get very far with Dominants. We may like brats, but we don’t like jerks. If you push too hard we will simply step to the side and watch you fall on your face. The good Dominants also talk to each other. Word will get around if a submissive has a bad reputation; word will also get around if a submissive has a good reputation. Dominants will also occasionally ask each other for recommendations on a particular submissive. If you have been a jerk with one Dominant, it will make it harder for you to be accepted by other Dominants.

Being patient doesn’t mean being a piece of furniture, though. If you have an interest in a Dominant, try to get to know them. If you see them in IRC, say hello to them and try to engage them in conversation. Don’t just sit there saying nothing and waiting for them to talk to you, most likely they won’t. Try to find out what title they prefer (Mistress, Lady, Master, Sir, etc.) and use it. Read their posts well and try to get a feel for the aspects of the scene that appeal to them. These are good things to try to engage them in conversation on. Don’t immediately send them a chat/talk request. If after getting to know a Dominant, you would like to speak privately with them, a polite message of, “Would you like to chat privately?”, is more likely to get you an acceptance. If they say “no”, don’t whine about it. We do not pay our access to the Net just to be available whenever someone wants to hot chat. Telling a Dominant how horny you are will usually only get you laughed at. On BBS’s, if you see a Dominant that you are interested in log-on, you may page/message a polite hello, but don’t keep paging them, especially if they are in e-mail. Finally, don’t ask a Mistress what she is wearing. We are so sick of hearing it, that it has become a joke!

Often I am asked in IRC, via message, to accept someone I just met as my submissive. If that person has a true interest in being my submissive, then they can take the time to write me a request for submission. Some Dominants have a form or questionnaire that they give to potential submissives, but a sincere letter will usually suffice. It should describe your interests and desires in at least some detail (“I like submission” doesn’t cut it), describe your experience in the scene, and tell why you are interested in the Dominant that you are writing to. Spelling and grammar do count. There are two common mistakes here. First, writing to a Dominant who is not interested in what you are. Check their posts if in doubt. Second, sending a request for submission to every Dominant in the Western world. As I said before, we talk to one another. Be patient and wait to find one Dominant whom you think would be a good play partner and then write them a sincere letter. Be patient on a response too. Some Dominants don’t bother to answer unsolicited petitions, but even those that do get a lot of mail.

Don’t become discouraged. While you are being patient waiting for the right Dominant to come along learn about the scene and socialize in it if possible. Read the newsgroups and FAQ’s for information. If you have questions, post them. If nothing else, it will get you mail. Read scene related books and magazines, not just to look at the pictures. Go to scene events, such as the various Fantasy Nights or NLA meetings. By going to these events you have the opportunity to meet more people in the scene, or to meet someone in your area that you have talked to on-line. People that you meet can provide good referrals and introductions to Dominants.

And remember, the best things are always worth waiting for.

Very truly yours,
Ms. Margo

* This file may be re-posted freely, so long as no part of it is changed
* including this follower. Written for Fantasy Realization BBS.
* © Copyright 1990.

“There is not a woman in the world the possession of whom is as precious as that of the truths which she reveals to us by causing us to suffer.”
     – Marcel Proust

“How do I find a Dom/Dominant/Dominatrix/domme/
Goddess/Mistress/dominant Lady/dominate woman?”

by Ms. Margo (margo@netcom.com)
copies from alt.sex.femdom

I am asked this question more than any other. At different times it makes me react in different ways. Sometimes annoyed: Do I *look* like I have one in my back pocket? Sometimes confused: How exactly do you think that I can help you? – I don’t even know you and I live on the other side of the country. Sometimes amused: If I knew the answer to that, I’d be rich! Sometimes sad: I’m sorry, even though you seem like a really nice person, I just can’t help you.

The actual answer to the question is: It’s not easy and you may never find one.

That said, what is it that increases or decreases someone’s chances of finding a Dominant? There are many different factors, and they vary depending on the Dominant woman, but I’ll cover some of the basics. Keep in mind that some submissives actively look for many years before finding a Dom with whom they are compatible. You must be willing to be persistent and patient if you really want to succeed.

*** Numbers ***

Whether it’s 1:3 or 1:100, most people agree that there are simply more submissives than there are Dominant women. These numbers work against you if you’re a submissive, because the competition is strong for the attentions of those Dominant women who are out there. It’s just like looking for a job. There may be several hundred people sending in their resumes, and you need yours to stand out from the crowd. Think about ways that you could make yourself attractive and interesting to a Dominant woman. If you have no idea how, that’s a sign that you need to get some good books and read and learn, or spend more time in a.s.femdom reading what Dominant women say, and what they say they want. Ask questions if you’re unsure of something. Posting is also a good way to let other people see what you’re like and become familiar with you. If a Dom is looking for a new submissive, do you think she’ll choose a complete stranger or someone she already knows? Also, look at ads and postings from other submissives. Think about what is good or bad in each. Try not to make the same mistakes. Lavender

Put as much effort into your contacts with Dominant women as you would into a terrific resume. If you’re writing letters, spend some time on them; rewrite them a few times. Check your spelling and grammar. Ask yourself, “If I got this would I pay any attention to it?” If not, go back and do it again. Unless you’re a professional writer, the first thing that you write is usually not going to be very good. Put some time and effort into it. I often get two line e-mails that say something like, “I am a submissive and I live in Some City. I like blah, blah, blah.” Big deal! If the person can’t put more effort into it than that, I feel that they couldn’t have wanted my attention that badly – next candidate! You don’t need to write a book but you should try to write a half-page to a page about yourself and what your interests are.

If you’re calling a Dom, sit down and write out a short list of what you want to say to her. Nothing is more boring than sitting on the phone with someone who doesn’t say anything more than, “Yes, Mistress.” and “Uh”. If you are casually meeting a Dom in person, be polite, introduce yourself, make some small talk, and then go away. Do not give her your complete resume, “My name is Joe, I’m 34 years old, I’m a submissive, I like blah, blah, blah, blah, will you play with me?” You’ll stand out – as a first class jerk.

*** Area ***

Dominant women tend to be free-thinking people. As such, they also tend to gravitate toward large cities and urban areas. If you’re in a rural area your chances of finding a Dominant woman near you are much smaller. This leaves you with a few options. You can be very patient and try to find someone near you (I’m talking *years* of patience here), you can be willing to travel to a larger city to meet a Dom, you can be willing to pay or compensate a Dom to come to visit you, or you can move. New York City, San Francisco, Los Angeles, and London will have the highest number of visible Dominants per capita, so those are your best choices. Other large cities are also good. Cities like Washington, DC may be good or bad, since they are large, but discretion is so important there. Large cities in the Southern US can also be problematic for the same reasons.

If you’re in an urban area, or near one, find out where the BDSM people meet. There are often nightclubs that are BDSM oriented, or have special fetish nights. Most large cities have BDSM social, support and/or instructional organizations, such as The National Leather Association (NLA), People Exchanging Power (PEP), The Black Rose, or The Eulenspeigal Society (TES). Check the alt.sex.femdom FAQ and the alt.sex.bondage FAQ for addresses. Many BDSM publications also ha ve very good listings of these groups. If you can find an issue of “S&M Utopia Guardian” they have very good listings, as does “Prometheus”, published by The Eulenspeigal Society. Go to these groups not only to socialize, but also to learn. If you improve your knowledge and skills, you also improve your chances of standing out from the crowd. Don’t go expecting to meet a Dominant woman and take her home – it won’t happen.

If you’re in a rural area, or can’t join an organization, another place to look is on local adult bulletin boards. There are literally thousands of adult BBS’s around the country. If you don’t know of any in your area, check out the alt.bbs.* newsgroups, or pick up a copy of a BBS oriented magazine like “Boardwatch” or “BBS”. The larger adult BBS’s usually have advertisements in the back. Since people on a local BBS will tend to be local people, you increase your chances of finding someone in your area. Some BBS’s also spons or social get- togethers where you can meet the people that you chat with on-line. (This is a great idea since, unfortunately, many people on-line are not exactly as they would have you believe.) You can also try getting a copy of one of the many BDSM or domination personal ads magazines or newspapers, but be careful about answering ads that sound too good to be true – they usually are. Jay Wiseman’s book SM101 has an excellent section about personal ads, and it’s recommended reading if you’re thinking about placing or answering a personal ad.

*** Professionals ***

The reality is that it doesn’t take a novice Dominant woman long to realize that she’s in demand, and that she can make money as a result of that demand. Many good (and sometimes bad) Dominants become professionals. If you’re looking for a professional, or you’re looking for an occasional session and you don’t mind paying, then you’re in luck! All you need to do to find a Dominant is to pick up a copy of Domination Directory International (DDI), your local underground newspaper, or almost any BDSM magazine at your local adult bookstore and call or write the woman of your choice. Sessions cost between $100 and $300 US depending on the area and the skill or fame of the woman. Be sure to work out the financial and other details before the session.

If you’re not looking for a professional, then your chances just got worse. Because a knowledgeable, experienced, or attractive Dominant woman is likely to be drawn toward professional domination, there are fewer talented amateurs left. They are out there, though. You can meet them through organizations, the Net, BBS’s, or at social events. Keep in mind, though, you’re going to have to look longer and harder to find a compatible amateur Dom than you will a professional.

Some Doms are insulted about being asked if they are professional or not, but most don’t mind if you ask discreetly. Myself, I’m proud of my amateur standing, but I’m also complimented if someone thinks I’m good enough to be a professional. If the Lady is a professional and you would like to see her, ask if it’s better to call her at a later time to work out the details. This is especially true if you are a social event or a party where she might not feel comfortable discussing business. Most professionals, and some non-professionals, have business cards with their name and address, and sometimes their phone number. If you know that a Lady is a professional and you think you might be interested in seeing her at a later date, ask for her card.

Keep in mind that a professional Dominant is not a prostitute . Do not expect her to have sex with you, or even allow you “manual release”, just because you are paying her. You are paying for her time and her skills, just like you would pay your doctor or your dentist. She is also not your girlfriend. If you come to see her often you may develop a friendly relationship with her, or you may not. She likely has lots of other clients and you are just one of them. Remember that no matter how pleasurable it is, it is still a business transaction.

* ** Privacy ***

It’s unfortunate, but most people need to keep their interests in female domination private. Most people would prefer that their family, friends, co-workers, and neighbors didn’t know about their interests and activities. This is just as true for Doms as it is for subs. Your next door neighbor, the owner of a local store, or the woman at the Post Office counter might be a Dom and you would never know it. This, unfortunately, decreases your chances of finding a Dominant woman. There isn’t any special symbol or pin that we wear to let people “in” on our interests. A woman in high heels and black leather may be a Dom, or she may just be fashionable. A woman with handcuffs hanging from her rearview mirror may be into bondage, or they may just be a gag gift from a friend. Don’t assume that a woman is a Dominant just because she has one of the “symbols” of domination. On the other hand, don’t assume that a woman isn’t a Dominant just because she isn’t carrying a whip and barking orders.

“So,” you ask, “if I don’t know if a woman is a Dominant, how do I know if she’s a Dominant woman?” It seems like a Catch-22, and it is. You usually can’t tell if a woman is Dominant just by looking at her. One of the best ways to tell if a woman is dominant is by her attitude. Most sexually Dominant women are not shy wallflowers (although some are). If you meet an aggressive, assertive woman the chances are better that she has dominant tendencies. Keep in mind, though, that she wants her privacy as much as you do. If you ask someone you don’t know very well about intimate parts of their life, chances are that they are either are going to be angry or are not going to tell you the truth. If you make a subtle reference and she doesn’t seem interested, don’t push.

Dominant women also don’t have any sort of Union or network. We don’t all know each other; we don’t all communicate. Asking a Dominant woman if she knows of anyone looking for a submissive in a town on the other side of the country isn’t likely to yield much. First, she’s most likely to know Dominant women in her own area. Second, if she’s not extremely well aquainted with you she’s not going to give out private information about a friend, or even risk embarrassment by referring someone to her friends who might turn out to be a jerk. If you absolutely must ask, then give your own information and ask her if she would be willing to pass it on for you. If you don’t hear anything in response, drop the issue.

If you do find a woman who is a Dominant, keep it to yourself. If you violate a Dominants desire for privacy not only will she refuse to see you again, its likely that she’ll let everyone she knows hear about your bad behavior. I heard from a fellow Dom about the bad behavior of a submissive that she knew casually. He saw her in a popular dance club and immediately knelt at her feet and began kissing her boots. She was with a “vanilla” boyfriend and a co-worker at the time and was very upset at his actions. She has never forgiven him and neither has anyone else.

*** Looks ***

Dominant women range from ugly to beautiful, just like women in general. If you have your heart set on meeting a tall, beautiful, blond Dominant or a buxom, ravishing, redheaded Goddess your chances just got much smaller. If looks are really that important to your happiness in a scene be prepared to look for a long time, or be willing to pay a professional who has the looks that you want. You ‘ll have better luck finding a Dominant if you concentrate on her personality and skills. Some of the best Dominant women that I know would never win a beauty contest, but their assertive attitude, self assurance, and refined skills are absolutely breathtaking. If she can’t, or won’t, do the things that are going to satisfy you it doesn’t much matter what she looks like . Think of it this way: If you’re bound, blindfolded, and in ecstasy, what does it matter what she looks like?

*** Attitude ***

Real Dominant women will not be like the women you see in the magazines. We are not just dying for a chance to Dom you or anyone else. We do not want you to drop to your knees and worship us NOW! (for $3.65 a minute). Actually, we usually couldn’t care less about what you demand that we do. If you approach a Dominant woman with a “What can you do for me?” attitude, you’re going to be laughed at. Do-Me Queens are selfish, controlling, and annoying. If you’re pushy, rude, rash, or overly forward with a Dominant, you will most likely lose the chance to ever play with her. There are hundreds of submissives out there; she doesn’t need to waste her time with a jerk. Dominant women are not public utilities. Just because a woman is a Dominant doesn’t mean that she’s your Dominant, or that she has any interest at all in playing with you. If you’re just interested in yourself and what you want, please do us all a favor and go pay a prostitute to play-act with you.

On the opposite hand, if you just sit there like a limp dishrag you’ll never get anything. You may think that sitting quietly with your head down shows that you’re a true submissive. What it really shows is that you’re boring. If you want to meet a Dominant woman, you have to meet her. If you want to attract her attention, you have to attract her attention. Strong and submissive are not opposites. If you are very shy get a friend to introduce you and to hang around to keep the conversation going, or try writing the Lady a letter. You don’t have to throw yourself at her feet to attract her attention, but you do at least have to move and talk. If you approach her with the attitude that she probably won’t even notice you and if she does you’re not good enough to be her submissive, chances are that she won’t notice you and that if she does she’ll wonder if you’re good enough to be her submissive. Act in a way that gives a Dominant confidence in you and your abilities and sincerity. Don’t forget to smile!

Along with a good attitude, goes honesty. If you overstate yourself, your looks, your abilities, or your experience, then you are lying to your Dominant. If you tell the Lady that you are 6’2″, very attractive, and athletic, when you’re really 5’10”, average looking, and a couch potato she’s certainly going to notice the first time she meets you. The relationship might well end right there. If you’re not a corporate executive, don’t say so. Being a programmer or working in a bank is honest work – don’t be ashamed of what you do. Especially, don’t try to make yourself seem more experienced or more knowledgeable in the scene than you really are. It’s foolish, dangerous, and disappointing. There is no shame in being a novice.

I saw a submissive at a play party tell a serious Dominant that he liked heavy pain and she took him at his word. They agreed to play and he called safeword after the second stroke. She immediately asked what was wrong and he said, “That hurt!” She reminded him that he had said that he liked pain and his reply was that he didn’t realize it would hurt so much in real life! As funny as the story is, no one would play with him again.

*** Timing ***

Sometimes you just have the bad luck to approach a Dominant at a time that she doesn’t need or want a new submissive. Some Doms acquire new submissives every few weeks, some only take a new submissive once a decade. If a Dom has made it clear that she isn’t looking for a submissive, don’t be a fool by offering your immediate services. You may want to send a short letter to let her know that you are looking for a Dominant and would be very happy for her to keep you in mind if she knows of any future openings. A lack of a reply means the same thing as ” No”. Don’t send follow-up letters whining that you haven’t gotten an answer from her. Not answered means not interested .

Don’t be rude to a Dominant just because she said “No” to you. You should take your “No”s politely and cheerfully and keep in good standing with the Lady. A short note thanking her for her time and consideration and asking that she keep you in mind for the future is a nice touch. (If you’re very brave you can even ask the reason that she turned you down, but do this only if you’re prepared for an honest answer that could hurt your feelings.) There are many submissives that I’ve had to say “No” to because the timing wasn’t right, but some have stayed in occasional polite contact (polite is the key word here!), and if I ever wanted a new submissive those would be the people I would think of first. If you have the patience to wait until the timing is right, you will increase your chances of finding a Dom.

*** Building Your Own ***

In the true spirit of DIY, many submissives beat the odds of finding a Dominant by making their own. This isn’t easy. Your first few projects may fail miserably and you may lose faith, but it is possible – and when it does work its a great solution. What you need is an open-minded woman who has some dominant tendencies. You help her to develop those tendencies and teach her how to be the Dom that you’ve always wanted. The woman can be your wife, your girlfriend, or a female sex-buddy. Unfortunately, the process takes years of hard work and there are always setbacks.

If you want to undertake to make your own Dom you need to have a long, slow plan in mind. You can’t just hit someone with a lot at once -they’ll freak out. Start very slowly. Add mild domination play to your normal sex life. Have her playfully spank you for ” being bad”. Buy her some leather lingerie that flatters her figure. Tell her you want to be her “love slave” and kiss her body all over. Let her know that you’ve always wanted to try sex “tied up”. Keep it light and keep the focus on her. If she’s not happy, you won’t succeed. Buy her a copy of Lady Green’s “The Sexually Dominant Woman: A Workbook for Nervous Beginners”. It’s very, very friendly and is excellent for a novice Dominant.

Be reassuring. She most likely has been told all her life that this is sick and kinky. Let her know that it’s fun. Let her know that this is for her too. Let her know that she’s in control and can stop any time she wants. Show her this newsgroup so that she doesn’t feel as if she’s alone in her interests. If you think that that’s too much for her, print out selected postings for her that validate her feelings. Heavy S& M porn or low budget D&S magazines will usually turn a woman off. Think before you expose her to something that may freak her out. Once you’ve done it, you can’t take it back. Keep the lines of communication open. If something seems to be upsetting her, don’t just blow it off – honestly talk about it.

Pay attention to those things that seem to interest her the most. Be sure to explore those things that she would like to try, even if they don’t appeal to you at first. If someone were asking you to do things that didn’t appeal to you, you would quickly lose interest. Exploring together can be thrilling; always fulfilling someone else’s demands can be demeaning. Expect that things may go along very well for while and then she may refuse to have anything to do with domination. Guilt and bad feelings are very strong. Don’t push. Keep talking honestly and communicating openly. Try to ease any bad feelings, but don’t promise what you really can’t give. Many submissives promise to give up their interests in domination in order to keep the relationships happy – we all know that it never works for long.

If you are patient (and lucky), you can end up with the Dom of your dreams without having to even leave your own home. Never, ever, underestimate the gem that you now have in your hands. If you do, she will likely take her new-found skills to someone else’s hands.

*** What will happen when you finally have a Dominant? ***

What!? Do you expect me to spoil all the fun? Never! 🙂 Now go and play…

* This file may be re-posted freely, so long as no part of it is changed
* including this follower. Written for Fantasy Realization BBS.
* © Copyright 1990.

On Petitions…
Or, How do I get a Mistress to accept my petition?

by Ms. Margo (margo@netcom.com)
copies from alt.sex.femdom

I receive constant petitions to take on submissives for training. Most of the petitions that I receive are sorry indeed. Would you really like to write a petition that will be accepted? Good.

This will be lesson one.

There are many, many more submissive men than there are Dominant women. I receive 3-5 letters a week from men wanting to be my submissive. What is it about you that would make me want to spend time writing to you, talking to you, or being with you? You have to impress a Dominant with what it is that you are and what it is that you want the very first time that you write to her. “The scene” has so many aspects that no two people are guaranteed to be a good match. A good Dominant knows that. She won’t waste time on someone who doesn’t appear to be suitable to her. You should, at the very least, have thoroughly read her registry to see what she likes and what she doesn’t. When you write to a Dominant, the letter should be well thought out and reasonably lengthily. I know one Dominant woman who sends out a 20 page questionnaire to prospective submissives, but a half page to a page should be enough. Write a letter, set it aside. Come back to it the next day and re-read it. Think about how you would respond if you received that letter. Be careful about its writing. Spelling and grammar *do* count. Be respectful in your letter. I teach my submissives to write lower case “i” and uppercase “You” – as in, “Mistress, i would very much like to be helpful to You.” You don’t have to do this, but it’s a nice touch. Always remember to capitalize their name and title. Try to find out what title a Dominant prefers – ask around – if in doubt use Ms. or Mistress. Queen of Babylon

Tell a Dominant as much about yourself as you can. Not that you have blond hair and green eyes, but what your experiences have been and what you would like to experience. As a novice, you may not have had many experiences. So tell the Dominant what inhabits your fantasies. If you dream of being securely bound with silk stockings and beaten with a feather duster, say so. If you long to be dressed as a woman and taken shopping at the K-Mart, let her know. If when you were 7 you loved to be tied up playing Cowboys and Indians, then tell the story. Telling someone that you are a “submissive” tells them nothing. You wouldn’t be writing to a Dominant woman if you weren’t. Think for a moment about what appeals to you – a favorite story, a beloved picture, a treasured fantasy. You heart will lead you in the direction that you would like to explore. Don’t worry about what it is that draws you. You are *never* the first person to have been interested in a particular kink. Over time you will want to explore new things. Some things which originally appealed to you may not hold a fascination for you in the future. A good Dominant will be open and accepting; she will not tell you that you’re “sick.” She also will keep your correspondence private.

Let a Dominant know what you can do for them. Dominant women are not a public utility. You want them to spend their time and effort on you. What can you do for them in return? Your letter should be very clear about the sorts of things that you can do for them. Are you good dinner company? Do you do carpentry? Can you baby-sit her cat? Are you the world’s best boot polisher? Are you a leather fetishist who would love to Lexol all her toys? The possibilities are endless. Pick a few things that you’re good at *and* that you are willing to do, and put that in your letter. Be sure that you are really willing to it. I have a friend who says, “They always say ‘Oh Mistress, I’ll do anything for you’ until I tell them to clean the catbox.”

And lastly, have some discretion. If you pledge your eternal slavery to someone that you have never met, or even chatted with on-line, how would you expect her to react? Let her know why it is that you are writing to *her*: you heard good things about her, you liked her registry, you were impressed with a post she wrote, you saw her at an event and have dreamed of her ever since. Don’t try the shotgun approach – writing to every Dominant female in the Western world. Many of the Mistress on-line are friends, and someone who petitions everything that moves will soon get a bad reputation. Don’t waste your time, and the Dominant’s, by writing to someone who isn’t into what you are. If she’s not into spanking and it’s your number one turn-on, then neither of you will get what you want out of the relationship. Also, be clear about your expectations of sex. If you want your scenes to include orgasm, or you’re looking to give sexual service, say so. The same holds true if you are not willing to give sexual service, or are not expecting it. Be as honest as you can be. If you have a wife or girlfriend and need to keep your activities private, that’s important for your potential Mistress to know.

Lastly, take your “No, thank you”s gracefully. There are a lot of reasons why a Dominant might decline your offer. Remember that she might be looking for someone in the future, or may know another Dominant who is looking for someone, and you would like to be that someone. If you’re feeling brave you might politely ask why she said no, so you can write even better petitions in the future. Keep trying, and refining your skills every time you do try. Eventually, you *will* succeed!

Very truly yours,
Ms. Margo

* This file may be freely copied so long as it remains intact with this
* message attached. Written for Fantasy Realization BBS. © Copyright,
* January, 1993. By Ms. Margo.

Last update 3/20/98