The Predators of Online Dating

I’ve seen online dating as a social horror story for years. The people trying to find matches are just the surface. The dating business is even more predatory.

If you’ve been trying online dating, STOP! You’ve been set up to fail right from the start. (Free sites too – the longer you stick around the more ads they can sell).
From Thought Catalog:

After a few bad dates and misplaced emotional investment in the wrong guys, many of these women decide that all men are like this. So, when a genuinely nice guy comes along, she’s not interested, or else she decides that he’s “just like all the rest”. The nice guy then laments that women only date the jerks, and he sets out to become a jerk in order to garner a woman’s interest.

You can’t read the forums of dating sites and not find men and women posting about how discouraged they are by the people they try to meet on dating sites. Men who say anything just to get a screw. Women who don’t put out fast enough. Kind of a theme there – long before the dating sites but – the dating sites make money by encouraging it.

This is what you really need to know about online dating sites:

According to “Sally” (name has been changed), a senior consulting programmer who’s assisted in the creating of compatibility algorithms at a number of online dating sites, it costs the average dating site approximately $120 to generate a new customer. (In the subscription-based services world, this is called the Cost of User Acquisition, and includes the fees associated with advertising, promotion, sales bonuses, transaction fees, and more). But if the monthly fee is only $20 a month, the dating site needs to keep you using their services (read: unmatched) for at least six months just to break even. To show a profit, they need to keep you unmatched even longer. According to Sally, this is how it’s done:

“When a subscriber completes their online questionnaire and profile, the site’s technology matches them up with compatible potentials, and the subscriber is shown a selection of matched profiles. However, although the algorithm is capable of matching based on compatibility, only one of the profiles shown is actually a match based on their algorithm; the others are either random profiles of other users, or fake profiles entirely. If the subscriber doesn’t happen to click on the profile generated from the algorithm and instead selects one of the other randomly generated profiles, the algorithm shuts off for the next 4-5 months in an effort to recoup the cost spend of acquiring that subscriber. It’s been done like this for years, and is the way the business works.”

Are you really surprised? I suspected the dating sites were not all lovey dovey but this went beyond what I really believed they would do, deliberately. But, business makes money by preying on the consumer while pretending they care. Stop falling for it, stop getting your heart broken and thinking meeting someone is entirely hopeless. It isn’t. You’ve just been getting played by the dating sites and the people who use them (like parasites).

There are other ways to meet people, even online. Join social groups based on your personal interests, hobbies, location and career. Avoid sites which ask for paid membership (with exceptions for associations and societies which actually do host events for their members to meet and greet). Outside of the dating sites you are likely to find someone far more sincere about having a relationship.

If you’re a woman who just wants to get screwed – the dating sites are your playground! Bring your own condoms.

Do You Compliment Men?

Change things around and bring him flowers, chocolates and a sincerely meant compliment. If you can bake make him a cake, a pie or cookies, homemade may not be perfect but it’s far more intimate/ personal than something from a bakery.

Stop suggesting changes to his wardrobe and bring him flowers in bright colours instead. Later you can try a shirt or tie, inspired by the colours he liked in the flowers. Or, not, really how terrible is it that he dresses himself, even if you don’t approve of some of his choices. Keep in mind that he wants to look good, he just doesn’t want to be told to change.

A compliment will work much better. Tell him when he’s looking good. Tell him he’s having a great hair day. Tell him those pants look great on him, that shirt brings out the colour of his eyes and he looks so polished and professional when he wears that suit.

People like positive feedback, which is what compliments are. No one is going to accuse you of nagging when you give a sincere compliment to them. (Don’t try turning negative feedback into a compliment – that’s just mean and phoney).

Complimenting men is fun, once you get started. Compliment random men. The guy who held the elevator or the door for you. Smile when you say “thanks” and actually look at him too. Such a small thing can really make a difference in someone’s day, for both of you.

Being pleasant never goes out of style.

Guys love compliments

‘As men, we crave compliments. Nothing will make us happier then to be told we look good, smell good, etc. This is why… we men tend to compliment women too much sometimes. We sometimes over use the golden rule, we treat women as we want to be treated.

‘I have worked with some pretty attractive men who would get hit on often which was nothing for them but the second someone actually complimented them they lit up like a god damn gorgeous Christmas tree.’ – Betamaletim

Quote from a post at Marie Claire.

Impress Women in the Kitchen

I found an old blog. A shame the writer, Rodney, didn’t stick with it. I had fun reading/ cruising through his posts.

He even dared to write about women. I admit, from a happily married man I expect he has some clue. Rodney didn’t let me down. Though he isn’t always right, he does have some sense.  His overall conclusion was the best way to impress women was in the kitchen. I agree, it is one good way to impress women. As he says in the beginning, this is a general thing. For instance, I won’t be ironing wrinkles out of anyone’s shirt, husband, general male or so on. I don’t want to iron for myself or anyone else.

Read for fun, don’t get bent out of shape. Rodney has long abandoned this site and won’t be around to read your comments.

impressinkitchen

To Ignore or Not to Ignore…

Guys, you are not entitled to a response. We don’t even know you. We’re not trying to be rude, we are just trying to be efficient and to protect ourselves from immature, unwarranted insults.

Source: I Responded To Everyone Who Messaged Me On OkCupid and Here’s What Happened | Single Girl Blogging

 

I noticed that men who had written a longer note tended to be upset/ angrier when she was not interested. This is interesting to me because I tend to put time into writing a note if I’m interested in a man online. I try to appreciate the directness when someone isn’t interested back, it’s not easy.

But, I do get annoyed with men who send notes without actually reading my profile to know who I am and then get pissy when I’m not interested.

Overall it’s better to send a note back I think. We used to have auto scripts we could post on IRC. That could be an idea dating sites and forums should start using. A quick auto reply would give a response rather than leaving people feel ignored. How they deal with a negative response is up to them. Hope they can handle it with some maturity and grace.

Invisible Boyfriend… He’s Around Here Somewhere…

I do understand the idea behind the Invisible Boyfriend and the Invisible Girlfriend but…

Isn’t it like paying for a glass of cool, clear water only to wake up and find yourself still in the desert, thirsty?

We designed the beta with you in mind and built in some of the most requested services, including: text chatting, voicemails, handwritten notes, photos, and a personalized story. Our introductory price is $24.99 per month and includes 100 text messages, 10 voicemails, and 1 handwritten note. (New plans coming soon!)

My Husband Doesn’t Understand Me

Isn’t this pretty much the same reason husbands say they cheat?

But all were clear that they were not leaving their current relationship. These weren’t monkeys getting a grip on the next branch before letting go of the first. They just wanted to feel what they used to feel from the man in their life.

The most common complaint was a lack of passion and effort by the man in their current relationship. It makes sense. When a man begins dating a woman, he puts in tons of effort; he woos her. Once she’s “his,” he stops putting in that effort, but she still longs for it. She wants to be desired, seduced, and connected with on a regular basis. So many men seem to be missing the boat. They start strong, having a decent sense of how to capture a woman at the beginning, but upon entering a relationship they are unprepared for the long haul and investment a successful relationship demands past the dating phase. The situation starts to reek of complacency and satisfaction in mediocrity.

via: I went undercover on Ashley Madison to find out why women cheat.

poiseDo people just need to put more effort into their marriage to get what they both want out of it? Or, did they marry someone for all the wrong reasons and now the sex isn’t enough to sustain a relationship?

I do agree that women are more likely to cheat for emotional reasons than physical reasons.

Another reason – pregnancy and children. But, this could just as well be a reason for single women too. I do know that was the only thing which caused me to ever consider cheating on my husband. (He changed his mind about having children soon after we were married).

I don’t think looking for sex or affection/ romance are good reasons to cheat on a spouse or lover. Not because it’s dishonest (though that is part of it) but because you aren’t likely to find what you are looking for with someone willing to have a temporary, non-committal relationship.

If you just want sex, help the economy and pay for it.

If you want romance try finding it with the one you’re married to before you go screwing around and making things a mess for your spouse and family. How romantic is it going to feel when it all comes crashing down around you?

It’s Okay to Ignore Dating Spam

Like spammers, many people on dating sites have a ‘throw enough shit’ policy. Instead of reading people’s profiles, looking at their pictures, and considering who might be the best person for them to go on a date with, they simply message everyone and then see who takes the bait.

via Dating spam: you’re not obliged to reply to say ‘no’.

I like the part of this post where she suggests people who feel upset about not getting a reply to their dating email check their own inboxes and see how many they ignored, without a reply.

The Alien at 50

In our culture it is very alienating to be 50. That age where it hits you that you may not even be middle aged now. Being young, from childhood to somewhere in the 30’s was such a different perspective. I didn’t see it then but I can see it now. Being in my 40’s was (so far) the best time of life for me. I felt ok and even good sometimes. I felt I was ok with myself.

Then, among the years I should have been 40-something, 50 hit me. It came down hard and clouded everything. Even when I could have been happy being 40-something that 50 hung over me, hovering like my personal rain cloud of doom.

In younger years I had read about actresses and such who said there were no roles for older women. I thought little of it. I could see older women in TV shows, movies, commercials, etc. Likely they were in theatre too if I cared to look.

But, the actresses said it wrong. It’s not that there aren’t roles for older women. It’s that there are so MANY roles for younger women, younger people.

Our culture is based on youth. Not just being young and looking it, but the parts of life which come in those younger years (traditionally): going to school, dating, marrying and having children. When I watch anything on TV now I am swarmed with the feeling of how much I don’t belong. How far I am past those parts of life. I don’t want to go back. I just want to be ok with where I am. But, it’s hard.

It’s hard to feel ok with being older when it seems we don’t exist, are expected to keep to ourselves and not be seen or heard. Unless it’s something to do with spending money like buying insurance, buying sedate vacations, buying pee pads (not for your period, whether you still get it or not).

I feel alienated in my own world. I don’t see where I fit in. I can talk to the younger generations. I don’t know their particulars any more: the music, the actors, etc. But, those are just entertainment. I know about life, having come through those younger years. But all my experience and knowledge is tainted by how younger people see me. I’m old. I don’t know the entertainment stuff so I’m relegated to being outdated, out of place and I don’t really understand how things are today.

Odd, but things aren’t all that different. People are born, go to school, try to get along in the world, get married, have babies (or not) and then…. it’s the long stretch of being there, but not getting in the way, until you’re finally as old as you feel.

I don’t feel old. I feel like me. I feel almost the same as I did when I was twenty. But, those are memories and I know that. No wonder we tend to look at the past more as we fall into the future where we don’t fit in and don’t have a place. In the past we had a place and the world was about us.

Now I’m an alien. Just because I’m 50.

If it weren’t for the perception of others (and my own awareness of time limits) I could believe I’m twenty. Young people expect being older to feel so different. It’s not. It’s almost exactly the same as feeling twenty. But, I look at those who are twenty and I can see a difference then. There is a shiny new-ness, an extra bounce and they’re just a bit quicker to laugh.

So maybe we do become an alien as we get older. Where is the mothership then? I’d like to find the other aliens and feel I belong again. I don’t like this feeling of being isolated among all the people I see every day.

The other thing I don’t like to think about is to look past myself and see those older than I am. Right now I may not feel I belong and I may feel like an alien… they look more alien. I worry about how I will still feel like myself when I start to look even less like myself and more alien to who I think I am.

Where is that mothership…?

Beginners Guide for Becoming a Male Submissive

The BDSM experience is different for men and women, in several ways. Women are more careful about meeting men. Women may be looking for romance and affection, a relationship while men really just want sex. Women tend to get pushed into things they really don’t want to do, in order to keep the peace.

I often read people (men) claiming women into Domming are rare. In my experience this is not true. I encounter many women who would enjoy Domming men, if they could find one who meets their needs.

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Being a male submissive may not be what you think it is at all

There are very few men who understand what a Dom woman is looking for, what she actually wants. She does not want to be the Dom you see in pornography. If you are looking for a woman to fulfill all your porno fantasies of what male submission should be… pay for it. Professional sex workers will dress the part and read from whatever script you want, do it your way (as long as safety is considered) and give you what you want as you expect to have it.

Real women who Dom, just because they want to, will want to do things their own way. Real women Doms have their own fantasies, their own desires and plans for play, teasing, romance, seduction, torment and all their own fetishes and kinks. They will want you to please them and that may not include any of the fetishes and kinks you have been fantasizing about.

A real woman may not want a man slobbering on her shoes or expecting to wear her underwear, for instance.  Some women may like the idea of training men to submit while others think they should already be house broken.

Worship and begging may not appeal to her. For myself, both of these are a turn off. The real appeal of having a male submissive is that he be a man, strong, clever, manly and yet my submissive. Retain your dignity and be a male submissive worth having and keeping.

Before you Begin…

Decide if you actually want the reality.

Do you want a woman telling you what to do? Are you willing to be disappointed when she isn’t interested in doing what you want, the way you want it? Will you let her lead or will you try to pressure her into giving you what you want instead?

Do not manipulate your Dom. Yes, it is fun to have the erotic play of teasing, denial, struggling and so on… but it should be sincerely part of the fun and not “topping from the bottom”. Two people sincerely invested in D/s can have a lot of fun, pleasure and explorations. If you top from the bottom (manipulate your Dom) you cheat yourself from ever having the real experience of submitting, serving and discovering the pleasure of being a male submissive in reality.

Also, no Dom woman likes to be manipulated. We get this from almost every so-called male sub on dating sites and etc. It is very discouraging. If you wonder why there are so few women into Domming – this would be the number one reason.

If you can’t let go of your expectations then consider paying for what you want and getting it from a McDomme (paid to do it your way).

What are you really willing to do?

Too many men have a list of fetish and kink ideas but no thoughts about the reality. This is especially a bad idea when it comes to health and safety. There are several things which will sound good on paper or turn you on when you watch a video… but reality is not like that. Reality is messier, reality is less planned and professional, less perfect and reality has accidents and misunderstandings.

Never say you are willing to do anything/ everything. Because you aren’t. No one is – unless it’s make believe and pretend.

Read about the reality of your fetishes and kinks. Instead of watching the porn find someone who really has done it and read about their experience. What went wrong, what didn’t work and how did they learn to do it better or another way. Research the reality. Even if you have no experience you can read the experience of others (just not the porn version).

Consider safety and be practical about it

If you have issues such as allergies, a phobia, dislikes put together a list of these issues. Personally, I don’t like having something close around my neck or mouth because I grew up with asthma. I’m also allergic to animals which limits the places and people I can spend time with to some extent. These are things to be aware of, for yourself and the woman Dom you would like to meet.

Although safety and health are more up to the Dom in a D/s relationship you can’t expect her to know your needs, read your mind or use telepathy to know there is a problem.

Safe words are not that reliable. If there is a real problem, something sudden, you need communication which won’t be forgotten in the moment or confused with something else.  A direct safe word, like stop, is better than trying for some secret code you may not remember when you need it. If you use the safe word for effect rather than actually needing it the play stops anyway. Respect the safe word – it’s not a game.

Communicate and talk about anything you plan to do. Start simple and leave yourself room to back out or change the plan. you may think you want to start with the hard stuff but discover your feelings were far more involved when it was actually happening. It is possible to discover you  have a phobia or intense dislike you didn’t know you had until you tried something. This can be especially true with bondage. Actually being confined is not just as you imagine it to be. Explore and experiment with baby steps and savour the experiences as you go.

Submission is not a gift

Years ago the idea that submission is a gift started in the online BDSM groups. This is not the right attitude. Domination is just as much a gift, if you want to consider either of them a gift at all.

You have chosen to submit and your Dom has chosen to lead you, to control you and to own you (up to a point). She is not likely to want to micro-manage you. Being the Dom is a responsibility. It’s not easy and it is not something to take lightly. People can get hurt physically, mentally and emotionally. Both of you need to communicate to prevent problems. The gift is the relationship itself, when you can find it.

Explore and discover

  • Try blindfolding yourself in your own bed. How does it feel? Does the blindfold itch? Do you feel peaceful?
  • Sit on your hands next time you’re alone watching TV. How long can you keep yourself in this self-bondage? How uncomfortable is it?
  • Sit under a table, let it become your cage. Does the confinement bother you? Do you feel snugly caged or just trapped?
  • Try being naked when you are home alone. With the blinds or curtains closed stand naked in front of the window. Even knowing no one can see you do you get a thrill or can you not even do it at all?
  • Buy a dog collar for yourself. No one has to know you don’t have a dog (or your dog won’t be wearing this one). Wear the collar but wrap it around your wrist the first day (not your neck).
  • Even before you have a Dom you can practice serving her tea. Dress up (she doesn’t want pubic hair in her tea cup), make a plate up with pretty treats and serve tea in a teapot with a fancy teacup and saucer for her.

The reality is much different from the fantasy. Reality isn’t the porn version because it’s not scripted and the people are not actors. However, you can actually be one of the people involved rather than watching and wishing from the sidelines. Just make sure you want the reality, imperfect but not impersonal.

Arranged Marriages via Online Dating?

Not so long ago young women of my generation were thinking how awful an arranged marriage would be. Marrying (or even dating) someone chosen for you by someone else. A blind date with the expectations of changing your life for you.

Now we give this power to online dating sites. Match us up with their algorithms and theory of personalities and data of interests… is it really any different than an arranged marriage? Sure you have the choice of a second date but, as things get faster paced do we actually feel more in a rush to meet someone, get married and have a family? Are we using computer dating to put a rush on our lives?

At least when family arranged marriages they actually cared about the outcome. A computer will never think about you at all, not even the first time when it’s arranging your life.

Analog relationships are antiquated, she thinks. She never had a date that wasn’t proposed by CuePID scores.

But, as Grandma tells of her great romance, Jenna wonders what drew them together. After all, none of what attracted her grandparents can be captured in online profiles.

Gradually, Jenna’s feeling of freedom changes—into a sense of manipulation by stupid CuePID

via – NetAppVoice: Online Cupid — Not So OK [100 Words Into The Future] – Forbes.