Labels in BDSM: 30 Days of Dominance

Day 1 – Does your Dominance – either what you practice or what you strive for – have a label? Do you view your preferred Dominant style as Taken in Hand, Domestic Discipline, Top/bottom, Dominant/submissive, Master/slave, Owner/pet, or some other description or combination? If you do not use a label, why?

Labels can work as a general description. A label can communication to someone else much easier than trying to pin point and cover every nuance and detail of what you are doing and why you do it.

A label can confine, limit and set you up with a lot of standards and expectations – if you deal with people who care about belonging to a group or niche within that label. Trying to keep the group “pure” so they can have their club means they have to set rules to keep people out. Everyone can’t belong to the group/ niche. This is where labels become too important and strict.

I prefer a label as just a general description. I do understand the group mentality, but I like to adapt, evolve and generally have the space to do things as I choose. Group acceptance comes to those who confidently set the fashions. After all, every group needs leaders.

I like Domestic Discipline, owner/ pet and a merge of styles. I also like to come up with my own ideas. Someone might take the time to label and categorize them. That seems less important to me.

Fun with Domestic Discipline!

I fixed the door lock/ handle on the front door today. Feeling pretty good about figuring it out and actually getting it put together and fully functional again. Started me thinking about women doing home repairs and that led to thoughts about domestic discipline. I’d really like to find a man who does dishes, house cleaning, without complaining or expecting it is “women’s work”. Beyond the kinky stuff, I think a man who does dishes and etc would be a stronger type of person, someone capable, who makes his own decisions.

Pretty pink soap even! I like the apron idea more as fashion than feminization. But, pretty pink soap would be more about teasing him.

Introduction to Light Bondage

How to Dom with Light Bondage

  • Restraints
  • Sensual Deprivation
  • Discipline
  • Safety

Restraints

Restraints are rope, cuffs, etc. Start with something you can easily work with, safely. You want your submissive to be able to get out of the bondage quickly if things suddenly become too intense. Also, you don’t want to start out making a lot of fancy knots then discover you can’t get them all undone again. Any restraint used must be tested before you start using it as bondage.

Restraints don’t have to be physical. Mental bondage is a lovely thing and great for beginners. You have the power to control your submissive – knowing his bondage is not enforced by anything but his own decision to obey. There is more power in a submissive obedient by choice rather than ropes, chains, leather, etc.

Sensual Deprivation

Sensual deprivation is an element of bondage. Blindfolds are less complicated than some methods which include a full hood over the head. Also, a blindfold is simple for beginners to use and experiment with. Don’t take away more than one of the five senses at a time (for a beginner in bondage). Keep it fun rather than making them go from nervous and uncertain to actually being afraid.

Think of sensual deprivation as the element of surprise. Use it to tease and give your submissive less control. Build suspense and anticipation. While using a blindfold, narrate everything you are doing or plan to do. While they are in restraints you have taken away their ability to use their hands. A blindfold limits what they can see so they strain a little to use the senses they have left. Make sure you use as many senses as you can when you deprive them of one, or more.

Discipline

Discipline includes spanking but is not limited to just that. Discipline can be a punishment. Discipline can be a set of rules or standards to be kept by the submissive. There is a lot you can do with discipline as mental and physical bondage.

You may have heard of domestic discipline. Spanking is usually included with this. The submissive is treated like a child or dog being trained. They are expected to perform tasks, mainly house cleaning. They may be expected to wear aprons.

The Gor books by John Norman inspired another branch of kinkiness which follows a strict discipline and set or orders. Lesser known are the books by Sharon Green who wrote a female Dom series set on other planets involving men and women being taken from Earth. I especially like her books myself.

Safety

Safety matters. I’m not making it first on my list but it should always be part of your considerations and planning. Anything you bring into play during your bondage should be tested out and practiced with. You don’t want to struggle with toys, tools or feel incompetent in the heat of the moment when you are both wound up.

Safety includes some time afterwards, to wind down, get feedback and care for your submissive: aftercare. Don’t skip aftercare. This time is good for the submissive to feel cared for, literally. The Dom also needs this time to wind down, release emotions and reconnect with their partner.

Retro Internet: The 1500 Point Purity Test

Long ago, in the days of the Internet surfing highway, there was a purity test with over 1000 questions. I found a copy of it. Posted for your viewing (or take the test) pleasure.

THE UNISEX PURITY TEST

If you thought the millenial purity test was bad, well you ain’t see
nuttin’ yet!

This is the 1500 point Purity Test!

We felt that the 1000 point version lost a lot of the “fun” of the
earlier versions, so we re-wrote it, adding a few new sections, and
a shitload of questions. This test is guaranteed to be nosier that
your parents, more invasive than the census, and containing something
to offend everybody.

Also included is an answer form so that you can remember where in the
test you were, or show to a friend.

Continue reading Retro Internet: The 1500 Point Purity Test

Taking the Fem out of FemDom?

From 24/4 love and submission: Stop gendering the words Dom and sub when you are talking about D/s in general.

My comment posted to Scoop.it: BDSM Fetish and Fashion:

To say D/s isn’t about gender is taking the sex and the lust out of it. D/s is about gender, sex, sensuality, courtship, romance, bondage, discipline, etc.

I do agree it is time we stopped expecting Dom to always be male. It would be nice to see the end of FemDom and Male Dom and just use Dom as the standard word. However, I would not say gender is irrelevant or not important.

Flirtation, Seduction and Foreplay

Originally posted to Sex Kitten (2003 – 2004)

Sometimes BDSM is boring.

When you listen to yet another guy listing his fetishes, his turn ons, his kinky requirements, like a grocery list you will be expected to perform. When you read yet another erotica story starring the poor helpless man or the man who fucks everything and has a miracle magic cock that every female wants. When you read another discussion about the finer points of BDSM and the points become so refined they have lost any sharpness they may have had.

Sometimes people just think an idea to death. That’s what BDSM is, an idea. It’s not a religion, it’s just foreplay which requires a little education. It is not about pain. If you bring that idea to it then that’s what you have brought to it. It’s up to you to wonder why and decide how you want to explore that fetish.

If you explore BDSM you will discover many ideas, attitudes and philosophies. Tell them all to bite you, most of them will like that. Go with what you want and make it how you want it. BDSM is not a religion, it should actually be something more enjoyable than religion. BDSM is for pleasure, that’s all. The only rules are geared to keeping it a pleasure for both (all) involved. Religion is far more complicated than BDSM should ever be.

Some people have the attitude that anyone not involved in a 24/ 7 (round the clock, permanent) BDSM relationship is not really in the scene. Smile kindly at these people and go about enjoying your life, as you were. Would you really and truly want this to be your lifestyle, every day, year after year? Would you not at some point like a day off? Lifestyle BDSM is unrealistic.

One big myth about BDSM is that it has to involve pain. Anyone who believes that has not really examined the concept. Even the initials prove how false this idea is. Bondage and Discipline, Domination and Submission, Sadism and Masochism: do you see pain written all over that? Bondage is about being restrained, tied up, etc. Discipline is often something along the lines of spanking. Domination is about being the dominant partner or being the dominated partner, the submissive. Then there are the Switches who dominate or are dominated, as it suits them. S and M are only the tail end.

No one should hop into BDSM without some idea of what they are getting into. Take it as any other hobby, learn how to make it work, what tools (if any) you require. Make sure your partner is at least interested, if not eager. Think of the whole thing as foreplay, flirtation and seduction. If you want to add pain, bondage, or domination explore those elements.

I’ve been into BDSM since I was a kid. A lot of people will say that. I think it sounds odd. But, for me I know what I was doing and I can only wonder and image what someone else was thinking or doing. I was reading my Dad’s science fiction books and I was daring myself to look at pictures of naked men in the magazine racks at stores. I didn’t buy them, not till much later when I was 16. Naked men made me blush and yet, I really didn’t see the attraction of the male body, or parts of it. The penis looked dorky, it still does. Reading the term penis envy still makes me think men are must be pretty insecure if not unbalanced. Who would envy that? Breast envy would be more likely.

How and in what way do you exert your control?

The question was: How and in what way do you exert your control?

My answer:

The simplest answer is that control is understood. But, that leaves out all the fun and interesting parts.

A D/s relationship is about consent being understood, a given. After that there are the fine points about how far things will go. But, the consent is a given which means I have the power in my hands. I can use tools, words, bondage, mental bondage, etc to confirm, enforce or enjoy having that power but, one of the best things is using whatever I like to enjoy having that power of consent.

I’m fairly creative. I have fun designing scenarios. I like domestic discipline with spanking, collar, leash and teasing and torment. I like the plan of having a sub in bondage, wearing a blindfold and being subject to my whims. Maybe a lot of sensual touches, maybe tickling, maybe the suspense of being ignored awhile. I like elements of Gor too, with a male submissive who has strict rules for behaviour, how to sit, when to sit, what to wear, etc. I love bringing in all sort of elements from BDSM, and other sources of inspiration. I do know that I am not into messy stuff like diapers, pee or poo play.

Control can be exerted with a whisper, a soft touch or the crack of my hand on a bare ass cheek. Control can be exerted from having a sub perform a spelling bee, having a sub lie in the snow while I pose and photograph him, a strict voice (my ten year old niece calls me a dragon because I control the kids with just my voice and the rare swat on the ass).

So the short answer is that control is assumed, but there is far more to it. I would say that a sub who tried to be too disobedient would not work out for me. I like the sub squirming in bondage but if he were bucking my authority the authority would just be gone and so would I. I won’t put up with a sub who thwarts my authority or acts like this is all a game. There are a few rules but there are rules.

30 Days of Dominance

Found this posted to several Tumblr BDSM sites. Another project, for another time.

Day 1 – Does your Dominance – either what you practice or what you strive for – have a label? Do you view your preferred Dominant style as Taken in Hand, Domestic Discipline, Top/bottom, Dominant/submissive, Master/slave, Owner/pet, or some other description or combination? If you do not use a label, why?

Day 2 – Describe what you are looking for in a submissive and the techniques you might use to instill those characteristics in your submissive. Are you exclusively Dominant in marriage or just in the bedroom? Are you Dominant only in the context of a scene or in a role or throughout your daily life? Are you Dominant to play partners or only in the context of a relationship?

Day 3 – How do you know you are a Dominant or have the potential to be Dominant? How do you feel when you express your Dominance?

Day 4 – Do you switch into a submissive role at any time? Are you a “switch” in BDSM terms? If not, have you ever thought about it or given thought to why it’s not for you? If you are in a Domestic Discipline relationship, are there things that you do not maintain control over?

Day 5 – Have you been or are you in a Dominant/submissive dynamic relationship or is this new to you? Have you been in more than one D/s relationship? How were they the same? How were they different? What is unique about your relationships in your mind?

Day 6 – What do you feel are the roots of your Dominance? Do you think it has something to do with childhood, upbringing or parental example? Is it a relationship management tool as in the practice of domestic discipline? Is it a sexual thrill or something else?

Day 7 – Do you inflict discipline or punishment as part of your Dominance? Why or why not? How do you feel about discipline and punishment as tools used to invoke and maintain submission from your partner/s?

Day 8 – Is spanking or corporal punishment part of your Dominance? Why or why not? How do you feel about spanking and/or corporal punishment as tools used to invoke and maintain submission from your partner/s?

Day 9 – Do you set and enforce structure, rules and limits as part of your Dominance? Why or why not? How do you feel about the use of structure, rules and limits as tools used to invoke and maintain submission from your partner/s?

Day 10 – Do you utilise any elements of BDSM in your Dominant style? How do you feel about BDSM? Is it core to your Dominance, peripheral or non-existent?

Day 11 – Do you expect servitude from your submissive/s? How do you define servitude and service? What does it mean to you? If you do not seek or expect servitude from your submissive/s, what is it about the concept of servitude that is not for you?

Day 12 – Do you expect financial submission from submissive partner/s? If yes, how does it manifest itself? If no, is there a particular reason why? Are you familiar with the concept of financial submission? Do you have an opinion about financial submission in general?

Day 13 – Is sexual availability, having your submissive partner/s sexually available to you at any time and in any manner you choose, part of your expectations as a Dominant? Why or why not? Are there acceptable limits to this? If so, what are they?

Day 14 – Does religion have any bearing on your Dominance or the way you expect your partner/s to submit? If not, are you familiar with religious based submission and do you view it as similar to other types of submission or dissimilar?

Day 15 – Has your Dominance evolved over time? If so, how has it evolved for you? What do you attribute this evolution (or lack of) to?

Day 16 – Have you found that your Dominance has changed with different partners or relationships? If you’re involved with, or have been involved with, partners of both sexes, has your Dominance changed based on gender or do you feel that it is dependent on the submissive as an individual?

Day 17 – What does trust mean to you in the context of Dominance? How do you inspire trust in your submissive?

Day 18 – There is a common misconception that the submissive partner in a D/s relationship loses the ability to have and express an opinion. How does communication factor into your Dominance and what expectations do you have in terms of your submissive expressing their desires and needs? Is it limited in time, place or manner?

Day 19 – How socially connected are you as a Dominant? Do you look for others to talk to about your Dominance either for support, learning, educating or networking? Do you go to events or connect through another sort of social grouping either in person or online?

Day 20 – Has your Dominance increased or decreased over time? Have you ever had to renegotiate with your submissive due to a change in feelings or circumstance? Have your interests as a Dominant expanded or contracted over time?

Day 21 – Is there a physical position that makes you feel most Dominant? Is there a physical position you prefer your submissive to take in order to express their submission?

Day 22 – Can you feel Dominant without a submissive partner? If so, how does your Dominance express itself? If not, how do you handle your need to be Dominant?

Day 23 – Is there anything about Dominance, either your own or what you see in others, which you question, dislike or are repelled by? Was there a time you questioned or were resistant to your own Dominant needs and desires?

Day 24 – What are the emotions that most directly let you access your Dominance? What feelings do they inspire?

Day 25 – Are there items, objects or rituals that represent or help you express your Dominance? If not, have you ever thought of adding or being gifted one? Is there a special significance to these objects or rituals?

Day 26 – What are the qualities that you seek in a submissive partner? Are there qualities which you consider ‘must haves’ or ‘must not haves’? If so, what are they and for what reasons are they ‘must haves’ or ‘must not haves’?

Day 27 – Do you have Dominant desires or fantasies that you have yet to explore? Do some of your desires confuse or frighten you? Do they excite you?

Day 28 – Has your Dominance ever failed you? Have you ever been criticised or received negative feedback for your Dominance? Have you ever regretted your actions or emotions as a Dominant either in a moment or in a relationship? Have you ever looked back and realised you made a mistake and, if so, what lessons did you learn and how did you apply them?

Day 29 – Is pain or humiliation part of your Dominant expression? What is your relationship to pain and humiliation? Do you embrace it as part of your Dominance, inflict it reluctantly or have some other type of relationship with it?

Day 30 – Is your need to be Dominant being met? If not, or if your situation changed, do you think that you could continue in your life and be happy and content without being able to express your Dominance in the way that feels best to you? What makes being a Dominant special to you?