Ideas for Halloween Blog Posts

happyhalloweenTired of the same old holiday posts? Try writing about these!

How to make your lawn look ghastly for Halloween using simple stuff like zombie flamingos, garden gnomes and such which you can buy on eBay and poke into your grass.

How to dress like a slut for Halloween without alarming your Mother

Lingerie in Halloween colours to perk up the late night trick-or-treaters.

How to keep your kids from eating too much candy on Halloween – give them healthy snacks instead and threaten to hang them off the roof while they barf if they don’t eat the healthy snacks

Dress up your pets for Halloween so they can guard your kids from the pumpkin bashing bullies

How to store your Halloween costumes, especially those which are not flame retardant.

Halloween gifts for your boyfriend who didn’t return all your 1,000 text messages yesterday

Play with trick-or-treaters: Get a stuffed dog for Halloween and put on tapes with spooky music and a dog barking in the background. Let kids think the dog is safe and then sick your real dog on them.

What to do if your child is choking on Halloween candy? – feed him more until it all goes down

Decorate your house in pink for Halloween – for breast cancer. Don’t forget to use your husband for the big boob in the centre

Old fashioned Halloween costumes – spray paint your children

Gather all the children’s toys you’re tired of picking up and recycle them into Halloween monster toys like babypedes and other monsterish, gruesome things.

Shoes to wear for Halloween, wind, rain, snow or slime

Halloween movies to watch with your dog, or cat. Write about movies with dogs or cats, or goldfish with a Halloween theme

Halloween tapes like Monster Mash which you can play over and over to torment teenagers who don’t appreciate the 70’s… yet.

Use mannequins to create a Halloween family eating dinner around the table. Make this the night you invite the neighbours for dinner. (They don’t need to bring anything but extra seasoning wouldn’t hurt them).

Tacky, trippy or just plain terrible sweaters for your loved ones at Halloween

Safe chemicals to throw on your children when their cheap Halloween costumes ignite

More reasons why candles are not a good thing for children to carry while trick-or-treating

Creepy Halloween toilet paper to use for papering houses, cars, people, pets, etc 

How to make your own creepy sound recordings for Halloween without really harming any children or pets.

How to spray foam on cars which is not shaving cream (which melts paint apparently)

Use cookie cutters and hot wax to shave creative Halloween patterns in your chest (or back) hair

Would you Like a Cheshire Cat/ Dragon?

Well, once again we’ve come to the time to blab.

Tonight my brain is tired. My best thought is that the Cheshire Cat from Alice in Wonderland is like a cross between a cat and a dragon. I think the Cheshire Cat would be my best choice as a pet, other than a goldfish swimming outdoors in a pond. You just can’t go wrong with either of those. They don’t really need anything from you/ me in this case. With the Cheshire Cat however, you have the added bonus of a creature that lives to cause trouble and be generally irritating in a good, even helpful way. You just can’t find any other pet that enjoys tormenting you. Try to beat that with some drooling, slobbery dog that wants you to pick up it’s poop.

I am tempted to play Maple Story now. Zack and I were playing it often this week while he was here. But, my brain really does think it should sleep. Silly brain.

Here Lies….

I should be working on a fixer upper template or adding titles to my new batch of photos on Flickr but I’m not. I did catch up on some things, including reading a few of the blogs I especially like. Still several more to read. I also found a new one to visit, That Canadian Girl.

Getting to work on the template. I had an interesting suspect but the Flock browser had a melt down and the download died a horrible death.

We had a drive on Monday/ Tuesday, heading in the direction of Kincardine, Ontario and wandering around on the way there and back. One town (I don’t remember which) had a little side garden with a sign like a tombstone in the plants. It said, “Here lies the last dog who crapped on our lawn.” I thought it was clever and it appealed to my sense of humour. It may seem nasty to the dog lovers… I’m just not one of them.

Canadians Eh!

My Absent Mind posted this:

Canadian Eh!

So, What Do Canadians Have To Be Proud Of ?

1. Smarties(the real ones, with chocolate!)

2. Crispy Crunch, Coffee Crisp

3. The size of our footballs fields, one less down, and bigger balls.

4. Baseball is Canadian – First game June 4, 1838 – Ingersoll , ON

5. Lacrosse is Canadian

6. Hockey is Canadian

7. Basketball is Canadian

8. Apple pie is Canadian

9. Mr. Dress-up beats Mr. Rogers

10. Tim Hortons beats Dunkin’ Donuts

11. In the war of 1812, started by America , Canadians pushed the Americans back…Past their ‘White House’. Then we burned it…and most of Washington ..
We got bored.. Because they ran away, so we came home and partied…Go figure.

12. Canada has the largest French population that never surrendered to Germany .

13. We have the largest English population that never ever surrendered or Withdrew during any war to anyone, anywhere. EVER.

14. Our civil war was fought in a bar and it lasted a little over an hour.

15. The only person who was arrested in our civil war was an American Mercenary,who slept in and missed the whole thing…but showed up Just in time to get caught.

16. A Canadian invented Standard Time.

17. The Hudsons Bay Company once owned over 10% of the earth’s Surface and is still around as the world’s oldest company.

18. The average dog sled team can kill and devour a full grown human in under 3 minutes.

19. We still know what to do with all the parts of a buffalo.

20. We don’t marry our kin-folk.

21. We invented ski-doos, jet-skis, Velcro, zippers, insulin, penicillin, zambonis, the telephone. And, short wave radios that save countless lives each year.

22. We ALL have frozen our tongues to something metal and lived to Tell about it.

23. A Canadian invented Superman.

24. We have coloured money.

25. Our beer advertisements kick ass

24. The handles on our beer cases are big enough to fit your hands with mitts on. OOOoohhhhh Canada !!

25. And we don’t bomb our allies. Oh yeah… And our elections only take one day.

Pass this on if you are proud to be Canadian!!!


My Career as a Mad Man-Stalker

Three Facts:

A) There is a guy at work I really like. First it was just his sexy, wicked smile but then I began to notice how nice and calm he is, like pouring water over water. Just something kind of nice. Can’t find the right words for it. He also has a wicked smile, like a pirate, did I mention that? (I really don’t care what a guy’s butt looks like- if I wanted to look at a butt I’d get one of those dogs that walk around with their tail all curled up, that would be plenty of butt for anyone into that sort of thing – I’m not a dog person, luckily). Also, when I began some research into the guy at work he got good reviews. He is a nice guy with a good sense of humour. Though no one else seems to think he looks like anything special. (Their loss, likely all dog people).

B) I am not someone any guy has ever gone crazy for. Plus I’m plus sized, quite a bit… quite a lot…. plus sized. This does not give me a good feeling about the whole attacking first plan of luring in said non-dog, pirate smile, guy.

C) Based on past experience I don’t have a flying clue what to do with a guy should I ever actually get one I really do want. Get him and have him actually be in the same town at the same time for an extended period of time. I am limited in man handling experience. I married the only guy I slept with and was a virgin until late in life. I was not a late bloomer, I’m not sure what happened. Or didn’t happen. Still isn’t happening. I just don’t seem to get noticed. I could tattoo something suggestive on my forehead and only other women would notice me and ask me what the heck I was thinking when I did such a lame brain thing. Men would only notice the other women talking to me, not me.

So I have these facts set out for you.

Now, the solution I am working on, in theory…. stalking him.

Yes it’s kind of dramatic and risky. Some would say foolish and stupid. But, someone has to try these things from the woman’s point of view, why not me? Well, why not?

So, I took the first steps in the potential stalking. I found his last name and came home to look up his address and phone number. I still don’t have the full address cause it turns out it is an apartment building and the phone book did not list the apartment number. No doubt I can figure that out. It just has to be in a non-threatening way. You know, there is a thin line between stalking and being a threat or just plain scaring off the guy. If you start calling him prey, for instance, that’s a bad sign. A pretty bad sign in fact. Avoid that one.

That is all the progress I have made in the potential stalking to date. I have thoughts about sending an anonymous greeting card to his address, once I find it. Note, you must be careful to keep it anonymous as that is a big part of the whole plan. If he doesn’t know who I am he won’t be able to gently let down the fat grrl at work. If he doesn’t know who I am he can just keep thinking he is really hot stuff… if only he knew which of those babes at work sent him the greeting card. You see how well that works. Anyway, who can resist the hint of mystery, a little puzzle to solve and whet his curiousity while stroking his ego.

Thus ends my first day as an official mad man-stalker. Not a lot of progress made but nothing to concern the police with either. So, not a bad first day, all in all.

Dragonology: the Bookmark

I bought myself a new bookmark. I haven’t done that in ages. Usually I take home some promotional bookmark from the bookstore when I buy a new book. Most of the bookmarks I use don’t last for a second book. I stick them somewhere or other and when I start a new book I pick up something or other to mark my spot. Sometimes I just fold down a corner of the page I’m reading. Not the best option as I like to pass along the book after I read it and no one really goes wild for a dog earred book. So, I treated myself to a dragon bookmark. We will see how long it lasts. It’s quite pretty.

Trying to Install Ubuntu

Windows Vista is making things very difficult but I’m not giving up yet. I have CDs for an old version but the latest, 7.04 seems to do a better job of working alongside Windows. Not that I really am fond of Windows, especially Vista, but some things will not run on a Linux (Ubuntu) operating system. Some day they will all get it right, all work together so that your computer doesn’t seem to be at war with itself. At least it would be nice. I’m not holding my breath. Though, from a money making view, who wouldn’t be interested and likely buy into an OS that could work with everything.

I am thinking to toss Windows Vista for my old Windows ME. For one thing it did not nag at me constantly. Vista is like having a dog humping your leg, no matter how many times you swat at it the damned thing just keeps coming back. I don’t know why they did this. How does this seem useful to the PC user? It’s just hugely annoying. Took me years to stop getting annoyed each time old Windows asked me if I really wanted to delete that file. Now the new one is paranoid and asks me if I even want to open that file. Too much!

Zombie Grrl

Outside I can hear the wind rushing past the house. Dorothy and her little dog too should be flying past any time now. I guess that is one bonus of living in a basement apartment. As long as I can hang onto something down here the foundation isn’t likely blow away when the rest of the house goes.

Inside I’m a mess of germs. Just stick some of my cells on a petri dish and find all kinds of interesting new diseases. No doubt it’s the Canadian Maple Sap flu that is making my eyes burn holes in my head. It’s the Torontonian Grunge that has infected my head and is causing my brain to rebel and want to split off from the rest of me, much like Quebec. Soon I will begin speaking French even though I thought I had forgotten almost all of it once I escaped high school. The rest of my body isn’t really here any more it’s just an illusion.

I have an appointment at 10:00 tomorrow morning. I have to make my body obey and actually arrive there. I think I’m even going to have to use my brain. This isn’t going to be pretty. On top of that, I wish I had cash to order a pizza and scare some poor delivery guy with how attractive I look right now. I have avoided talking to myself today, trying to keep my voice functional for tomorrow. I really am not looking forward to hauling my zombie carcass around to be there. I wish I had a self propelled thing of some kind, something that uses a system of pulleys and bungee cords. Just splat my zombie self against the side of a nearby building. I will peel off and not even notice if a few parts are left behind. Likely I never really needed them anyway. I’m really tired of my nose, eyes and lungs right now.

Happy Day out there, remember to wash your hands, avoid zombies – we are out there.

Elephant Crossing and Streetcar Meltdown

The elephants say they have bought a house and will be moved out of here by the end of the month. Can’t say there is any least thing I will miss about them. The brother wonders if they bought the other half of this house, it was for sale and now it isn’t. I hope not. I’d like for them to be gone a lot farther away than that.

Not that I’m especially evil or angry, I just didn’t find them to be anyone I’d want to spend time getting to know. They have still never salted or shovelled the pathway between the houses and they were supposed to keep that done. They are still two months behind with the rent and have no intention of paying. The brother explains that he has their first and last month’s rent. But, I didn’t explain to him how that still leaves him a month behind and stuck with whatever expense there will be after they vacate. There are always extra costs for cleaning and repairing once tenants leave. I’ve never seen any tenants in any of the places my family has rented who didn’t leave behind a mess or something worse (like dog poop spread all over the walls and utility bills never paid).

I’m going to see if I can find some tenants for upstairs. People who do not smoke or have pets. People who have a glowing or at least good recommendation from their current landlord. People who are not going to cry on the brother’s shoulder about how tough life is and how they can’t pay the rent, again, this month.

Today I waited about 20 minutes in the streetcar on Queen Street. The driver or someone on the streetcar (or both) had phoned for the police cause a black woman was smacking her kid around. I didn’t see much of anything. I really didn’t care that much. Yes, the woman was screaming at her kid and being pretty obnoxious and loud. But, I do think people take this whole thing too far. The kid was tall enough to be in high school, or nearly there. Taller than Zack and he is 11 now.

I was mostly annoyed cause I have been assaulted (that’s what the driver called it) by my Dad, in public and no one made a thing about it. I’ve been molested in a movie theatre by a man I never knew and no one noticed. I’ve been manhandled here in my own place and the police didn’t care enough to even reply back to me about it. So, why is one kid/ teenager on a streetcar worth the bother? My frozen food was thawed out by the time I finally got back here. Maybe I’m hard hearted but I don’t think getting whacked by your Mother when you’re a teenager is a reason to call the police. Get real. Move on.