How Did you Decide You’re a Dom?

I wrote the following in a reply to someone on Redditt:

I began exploring BDSM without having a role as sub, switch or Dom. I took time to see how I felt and how I felt about other people who had those roles and what that made of them. I really like to do things my own way, not often the traditional, expected path. I don’t like being expected to follow rules unless they actually do make sense to me.

When I did pick a place, or get told I needed to label myself, I said I was a switch. At the time I did feel that was where I belonged. I even wrote about it, as a BDSM role and not being something that was just middle of the road to leave my options open. I still feel that I can switch, as the situation and my feelings evolve and depending on who I’m with. But, I seldom find a man who makes me feel that other submissive way. It’s easier to stick to Dom and keeps things simpler. Plus, it feels good, right for me.

I was a submissive with my ex-husband but it was always awkward. He wanted to be the Dom and I let him. He didn’t have that masterful way but he wanted to.

On the other hand, when I play submissive online I get asked to change and become Dom with men who call themselves Dom. So, I think there is something about me that feels natural in that role, beyond liking to do things my own way.

Someone wrote that often people who are commanding, in charge and such in their lives are often submissive when it comes to D/s and the opposite for people who are giving and shy – they tend to fall into Dom roles. I’ve found that to be true quite often, not 100% of course.

Beginners Guide for Becoming a Male Submissive

The BDSM experience is different for men and women, in several ways. Women are more careful about meeting men. Women may be looking for romance and affection, a relationship while men really just want sex. Women tend to get pushed into things they really don’t want to do, in order to keep the peace.

I often read people (men) claiming women into Domming are rare. In my experience this is not true. I encounter many women who would enjoy Domming men, if they could find one who meets their needs.

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Being a male submissive may not be what you think it is at all

There are very few men who understand what a Dom woman is looking for, what she actually wants. She does not want to be the Dom you see in pornography. If you are looking for a woman to fulfill all your porno fantasies of what male submission should be… pay for it. Professional sex workers will dress the part and read from whatever script you want, do it your way (as long as safety is considered) and give you what you want as you expect to have it.

Real women who Dom, just because they want to, will want to do things their own way. Real women Doms have their own fantasies, their own desires and plans for play, teasing, romance, seduction, torment and all their own fetishes and kinks. They will want you to please them and that may not include any of the fetishes and kinks you have been fantasizing about.

A real woman may not want a man slobbering on her shoes or expecting to wear her underwear, for instance.  Some women may like the idea of training men to submit while others think they should already be house broken.

Worship and begging may not appeal to her. For myself, both of these are a turn off. The real appeal of having a male submissive is that he be a man, strong, clever, manly and yet my submissive. Retain your dignity and be a male submissive worth having and keeping.

Before you Begin…

Decide if you actually want the reality.

Do you want a woman telling you what to do? Are you willing to be disappointed when she isn’t interested in doing what you want, the way you want it? Will you let her lead or will you try to pressure her into giving you what you want instead?

Do not manipulate your Dom. Yes, it is fun to have the erotic play of teasing, denial, struggling and so on… but it should be sincerely part of the fun and not “topping from the bottom”. Two people sincerely invested in D/s can have a lot of fun, pleasure and explorations. If you top from the bottom (manipulate your Dom) you cheat yourself from ever having the real experience of submitting, serving and discovering the pleasure of being a male submissive in reality.

Also, no Dom woman likes to be manipulated. We get this from almost every so-called male sub on dating sites and etc. It is very discouraging. If you wonder why there are so few women into Domming – this would be the number one reason.

If you can’t let go of your expectations then consider paying for what you want and getting it from a McDomme (paid to do it your way).

What are you really willing to do?

Too many men have a list of fetish and kink ideas but no thoughts about the reality. This is especially a bad idea when it comes to health and safety. There are several things which will sound good on paper or turn you on when you watch a video… but reality is not like that. Reality is messier, reality is less planned and professional, less perfect and reality has accidents and misunderstandings.

Never say you are willing to do anything/ everything. Because you aren’t. No one is – unless it’s make believe and pretend.

Read about the reality of your fetishes and kinks. Instead of watching the porn find someone who really has done it and read about their experience. What went wrong, what didn’t work and how did they learn to do it better or another way. Research the reality. Even if you have no experience you can read the experience of others (just not the porn version).

Consider safety and be practical about it

If you have issues such as allergies, a phobia, dislikes put together a list of these issues. Personally, I don’t like having something close around my neck or mouth because I grew up with asthma. I’m also allergic to animals which limits the places and people I can spend time with to some extent. These are things to be aware of, for yourself and the woman Dom you would like to meet.

Although safety and health are more up to the Dom in a D/s relationship you can’t expect her to know your needs, read your mind or use telepathy to know there is a problem.

Safe words are not that reliable. If there is a real problem, something sudden, you need communication which won’t be forgotten in the moment or confused with something else.  A direct safe word, like stop, is better than trying for some secret code you may not remember when you need it. If you use the safe word for effect rather than actually needing it the play stops anyway. Respect the safe word – it’s not a game.

Communicate and talk about anything you plan to do. Start simple and leave yourself room to back out or change the plan. you may think you want to start with the hard stuff but discover your feelings were far more involved when it was actually happening. It is possible to discover you  have a phobia or intense dislike you didn’t know you had until you tried something. This can be especially true with bondage. Actually being confined is not just as you imagine it to be. Explore and experiment with baby steps and savour the experiences as you go.

Submission is not a gift

Years ago the idea that submission is a gift started in the online BDSM groups. This is not the right attitude. Domination is just as much a gift, if you want to consider either of them a gift at all.

You have chosen to submit and your Dom has chosen to lead you, to control you and to own you (up to a point). She is not likely to want to micro-manage you. Being the Dom is a responsibility. It’s not easy and it is not something to take lightly. People can get hurt physically, mentally and emotionally. Both of you need to communicate to prevent problems. The gift is the relationship itself, when you can find it.

Explore and discover

  • Try blindfolding yourself in your own bed. How does it feel? Does the blindfold itch? Do you feel peaceful?
  • Sit on your hands next time you’re alone watching TV. How long can you keep yourself in this self-bondage? How uncomfortable is it?
  • Sit under a table, let it become your cage. Does the confinement bother you? Do you feel snugly caged or just trapped?
  • Try being naked when you are home alone. With the blinds or curtains closed stand naked in front of the window. Even knowing no one can see you do you get a thrill or can you not even do it at all?
  • Buy a dog collar for yourself. No one has to know you don’t have a dog (or your dog won’t be wearing this one). Wear the collar but wrap it around your wrist the first day (not your neck).
  • Even before you have a Dom you can practice serving her tea. Dress up (she doesn’t want pubic hair in her tea cup), make a plate up with pretty treats and serve tea in a teapot with a fancy teacup and saucer for her.

The reality is much different from the fantasy. Reality isn’t the porn version because it’s not scripted and the people are not actors. However, you can actually be one of the people involved rather than watching and wishing from the sidelines. Just make sure you want the reality, imperfect but not impersonal.

Tea Cups with Nudes

I was not looking for naked people on teacups but I found them anyway. Not sure how this came up in a search for “gold dot teacup and saucer”. But, it was interesting. What occasion would you use this for? It could work for a D/s tea party but I’d rather have something less nude and more formal and traditional. But, that’s just me. This may be just your cup of tea!

nude tea

 

Upon further exploration I turned up an espresso cup and saucer for those who aren’t tea drinkers. This is from the same artist, Melody Rose, on the same site. If that’s not enough for you there is a whole tea set for the first cup and saucer and… I posted what the site calls a vintage plate on Gracie’s blog.

espresso nude girl

How to Impress a Domme When Meeting for the First Time

male sub jewelsYou’ve gotten through her screening process and she has set a time and place for you to meet her, face to face. Now what? How do you make a good first impression on a real Domme when you meet for the first time? I don’t mean the type of Dominant woman you pay, the one who asks you what you want and tells you how much it will cost. No, I mean the Domme who is a real woman and wants more than a temporary job when she arranges to meet you.

Dress appropriately:

You are most likely meeting in a public place. If you wear any fetish wear be very discreet and don’t wave it around in public. Something small which you leave her to notice is much more effective than a blatant display.

Dress up too. Look your best and pay attention to grooming. Trim facial hair, clean your fingernails, etc.

Show up and be on time or a bit early:

Don’t be late! Too many times men do not show up or arrive late. If you are not ready to meet her (or only want to play pretend online) don’t make the appointment in the first place. Be honest.

Bring a little gift:

Nothing elaborate, you aren’t paying for her favours. Keep it simple but this is a chance for you to show some cleverness, creativity, style and prove that you actually did pay attention to what she has told you about herself so far.

Offer to buy the first coffee/ wine:

She may turn down the offer, but that doesn’t excuse you from offering. Be a gentleman and remember your old fashioned manners.

Make small talk:

Until she introduces the subject of BDSM or D/s you keep the conversation light. Consider this your first test, because it likely is one of the things she is watching for.

When the subject of BDSM or sex comes up don’t rush in:

Don’t bring your grocery list of fetishes and kinky ideas to the table. Of course you want to know if she shares your interests, however chances are your list is more fantasy than fact. Talk to her about actual experience you have had versus stuff you want to try, think would be a big turn on, etc. Stick to the facts. If she asks what you want to try and have not done yet, keep it modest. Don’t make yourself sound like a window shopper – keep it realistic.

Watch your personal space:

Do not invade her personal space. Keep your arms, hands, coffee mugs, wine glass and etc to your own side of the table. Body language counts!

Bring a business card if you have one:

Unless you are paying her (which this post is not about) you should be prepared to give her information about yourself. Proof that you are available, that she can contact you, that you trust her (and thus she can trust you too). If you do not have a business card make sure she has your correct phone number, email address or any other way of contacting you and then ask her to contact you.

To hug or not to hug:

At the end of your time, if all has gone well, you might want some physical contact. Let her lead, however you can offer your hand or ask permission to give her a hug, etc.

Do not ask for sex! Asking for sex just proves you don’t really have half a clue about male submission. If you want to serve her, your needs do not come first. Sex may not even be part of what she wants.

After the first meeting send her a thank you note:

Thank her for meeting you, tell her you had a good time, enjoyed getting to know her, and so on. Don’t ask for a second meeting – but you can tell her you hope to see her again soon. You can suggest a great place or local event for a second meeting, but leave it up to her to choose.

 

Retro Internet: The 1500 Point Purity Test

Long ago, in the days of the Internet surfing highway, there was a purity test with over 1000 questions. I found a copy of it. Posted for your viewing (or take the test) pleasure.

THE UNISEX PURITY TEST

If you thought the millenial purity test was bad, well you ain’t see
nuttin’ yet!

This is the 1500 point Purity Test!

We felt that the 1000 point version lost a lot of the “fun” of the
earlier versions, so we re-wrote it, adding a few new sections, and
a shitload of questions. This test is guaranteed to be nosier that
your parents, more invasive than the census, and containing something
to offend everybody.

Also included is an answer form so that you can remember where in the
test you were, or show to a friend.

Continue reading Retro Internet: The 1500 Point Purity Test

Taking the Fem out of FemDom?

From 24/4 love and submission: Stop gendering the words Dom and sub when you are talking about D/s in general.

My comment posted to Scoop.it: BDSM Fetish and Fashion:

To say D/s isn’t about gender is taking the sex and the lust out of it. D/s is about gender, sex, sensuality, courtship, romance, bondage, discipline, etc.

I do agree it is time we stopped expecting Dom to always be male. It would be nice to see the end of FemDom and Male Dom and just use Dom as the standard word. However, I would not say gender is irrelevant or not important.

Once Upon a Time…

I don’t think asking for something is asking for too much. The whole online dating thing seems impossible. I have met men in other ways, at BDSM related events for instance, who actually are sincere and know what they are talking about. Men online looking (claiming to be looking) for BDSM and a Domme are too often liars. They want a fantasy. They do not want a real person to take that away from them.

Anyway, I don’t know where else to look at this time. I can’t seem to find any one my own age and in a close enough location who is also single and can accept me as I am (not thin or especially fit at this time). So, for now, I am just not going to care about it very much. I’ve got enough to work on and enough family pushing me to help them too. Not that I mind helping them but it all gets a bit crowded when you are taking on problems that aren’t your own as well as those which actually are your own.

Below is another Fetlife profile which I wrote and then deleted. Some day my prince will come… that’s my fantasy.

I actually want to meet a guy interested in D/s IN REALITY. If a man here is about my age and local I will reply. I will not be talking to people who just want to play around online – pretending this is real to them.

I’m a Dragon. Born in the year of the dragon. I’m an INTP.

What does this mean?

I don’t like playing games unless they are RPG like Dungeons and Dragons. I also like city building games and I have a soft spot for Carmageddon.

I write adult fiction and non-fiction. Sometimes I get paid for it.

I do not get paid to be anyone’s Domme. I take Domming personally. The man I choose to Dom will not be one of the endless do-me trolls. He will also be local enough that we will meet in real time. I don’t want to play online and I won’t be playing casually.

I’m not looking for a younger man. If you’re not 40 at least what do you really think I’m going to do with you? Find someone your own age. I want intelligent conversation with someone who will know what I’m talking about. If you’re too young I’m going to have to wait while you look things up on the Internet.

Let’s also be clear on the fact that I am not thin, or fit. I’m not very tall but I’m a large woman. I want a large man. No, I’m not talking about your cock. Put it back in your pants and think with your other head. I’ve already written about wanting someone I can talk to. I also want someone I can enjoy. I don’t want a slender guy because I’m used to big guys and smaller guys seem breakable by comparison. That’s just how it is.

The man I want must be single. Divorced is fine. I’m ok with the single Dad full time or part time. I’m fairly kid friendly. Lots of practice.

He really should be at least a little nerdy or geeky too. I really like science fiction. I also like history, so he could be a history nerd.

I photograph abandoned places, urban exploration in rural Ontario. I’m interested in a road trip buddy. I’m a great navigator.

I could say the man I want doesn’t have to be all of these things, but he does need to have at least the majority of them. Some people will think I’m asking for too much but I’m really not going to be happy with a man who isn’t close enough to meet/ date, near my age, single and big (BHM). I don’t really see that as asking for a lot.

One last thing, I want a relationship which includes D/s and a variety of fetishes and such. The relationship part is essential. If you just want anything roughly female looking to serve you as a McDomme you should get a blow up doll.

How and in what way do you exert your control?

The question was: How and in what way do you exert your control?

My answer:

The simplest answer is that control is understood. But, that leaves out all the fun and interesting parts.

A D/s relationship is about consent being understood, a given. After that there are the fine points about how far things will go. But, the consent is a given which means I have the power in my hands. I can use tools, words, bondage, mental bondage, etc to confirm, enforce or enjoy having that power but, one of the best things is using whatever I like to enjoy having that power of consent.

I’m fairly creative. I have fun designing scenarios. I like domestic discipline with spanking, collar, leash and teasing and torment. I like the plan of having a sub in bondage, wearing a blindfold and being subject to my whims. Maybe a lot of sensual touches, maybe tickling, maybe the suspense of being ignored awhile. I like elements of Gor too, with a male submissive who has strict rules for behaviour, how to sit, when to sit, what to wear, etc. I love bringing in all sort of elements from BDSM, and other sources of inspiration. I do know that I am not into messy stuff like diapers, pee or poo play.

Control can be exerted with a whisper, a soft touch or the crack of my hand on a bare ass cheek. Control can be exerted from having a sub perform a spelling bee, having a sub lie in the snow while I pose and photograph him, a strict voice (my ten year old niece calls me a dragon because I control the kids with just my voice and the rare swat on the ass).

So the short answer is that control is assumed, but there is far more to it. I would say that a sub who tried to be too disobedient would not work out for me. I like the sub squirming in bondage but if he were bucking my authority the authority would just be gone and so would I. I won’t put up with a sub who thwarts my authority or acts like this is all a game. There are a few rules but there are rules.

30 Days of Dominance

Found this posted to several Tumblr BDSM sites. Another project, for another time.

Day 1 – Does your Dominance – either what you practice or what you strive for – have a label? Do you view your preferred Dominant style as Taken in Hand, Domestic Discipline, Top/bottom, Dominant/submissive, Master/slave, Owner/pet, or some other description or combination? If you do not use a label, why?

Day 2 – Describe what you are looking for in a submissive and the techniques you might use to instill those characteristics in your submissive. Are you exclusively Dominant in marriage or just in the bedroom? Are you Dominant only in the context of a scene or in a role or throughout your daily life? Are you Dominant to play partners or only in the context of a relationship?

Day 3 – How do you know you are a Dominant or have the potential to be Dominant? How do you feel when you express your Dominance?

Day 4 – Do you switch into a submissive role at any time? Are you a “switch” in BDSM terms? If not, have you ever thought about it or given thought to why it’s not for you? If you are in a Domestic Discipline relationship, are there things that you do not maintain control over?

Day 5 – Have you been or are you in a Dominant/submissive dynamic relationship or is this new to you? Have you been in more than one D/s relationship? How were they the same? How were they different? What is unique about your relationships in your mind?

Day 6 – What do you feel are the roots of your Dominance? Do you think it has something to do with childhood, upbringing or parental example? Is it a relationship management tool as in the practice of domestic discipline? Is it a sexual thrill or something else?

Day 7 – Do you inflict discipline or punishment as part of your Dominance? Why or why not? How do you feel about discipline and punishment as tools used to invoke and maintain submission from your partner/s?

Day 8 – Is spanking or corporal punishment part of your Dominance? Why or why not? How do you feel about spanking and/or corporal punishment as tools used to invoke and maintain submission from your partner/s?

Day 9 – Do you set and enforce structure, rules and limits as part of your Dominance? Why or why not? How do you feel about the use of structure, rules and limits as tools used to invoke and maintain submission from your partner/s?

Day 10 – Do you utilise any elements of BDSM in your Dominant style? How do you feel about BDSM? Is it core to your Dominance, peripheral or non-existent?

Day 11 – Do you expect servitude from your submissive/s? How do you define servitude and service? What does it mean to you? If you do not seek or expect servitude from your submissive/s, what is it about the concept of servitude that is not for you?

Day 12 – Do you expect financial submission from submissive partner/s? If yes, how does it manifest itself? If no, is there a particular reason why? Are you familiar with the concept of financial submission? Do you have an opinion about financial submission in general?

Day 13 – Is sexual availability, having your submissive partner/s sexually available to you at any time and in any manner you choose, part of your expectations as a Dominant? Why or why not? Are there acceptable limits to this? If so, what are they?

Day 14 – Does religion have any bearing on your Dominance or the way you expect your partner/s to submit? If not, are you familiar with religious based submission and do you view it as similar to other types of submission or dissimilar?

Day 15 – Has your Dominance evolved over time? If so, how has it evolved for you? What do you attribute this evolution (or lack of) to?

Day 16 – Have you found that your Dominance has changed with different partners or relationships? If you’re involved with, or have been involved with, partners of both sexes, has your Dominance changed based on gender or do you feel that it is dependent on the submissive as an individual?

Day 17 – What does trust mean to you in the context of Dominance? How do you inspire trust in your submissive?

Day 18 – There is a common misconception that the submissive partner in a D/s relationship loses the ability to have and express an opinion. How does communication factor into your Dominance and what expectations do you have in terms of your submissive expressing their desires and needs? Is it limited in time, place or manner?

Day 19 – How socially connected are you as a Dominant? Do you look for others to talk to about your Dominance either for support, learning, educating or networking? Do you go to events or connect through another sort of social grouping either in person or online?

Day 20 – Has your Dominance increased or decreased over time? Have you ever had to renegotiate with your submissive due to a change in feelings or circumstance? Have your interests as a Dominant expanded or contracted over time?

Day 21 – Is there a physical position that makes you feel most Dominant? Is there a physical position you prefer your submissive to take in order to express their submission?

Day 22 – Can you feel Dominant without a submissive partner? If so, how does your Dominance express itself? If not, how do you handle your need to be Dominant?

Day 23 – Is there anything about Dominance, either your own or what you see in others, which you question, dislike or are repelled by? Was there a time you questioned or were resistant to your own Dominant needs and desires?

Day 24 – What are the emotions that most directly let you access your Dominance? What feelings do they inspire?

Day 25 – Are there items, objects or rituals that represent or help you express your Dominance? If not, have you ever thought of adding or being gifted one? Is there a special significance to these objects or rituals?

Day 26 – What are the qualities that you seek in a submissive partner? Are there qualities which you consider ‘must haves’ or ‘must not haves’? If so, what are they and for what reasons are they ‘must haves’ or ‘must not haves’?

Day 27 – Do you have Dominant desires or fantasies that you have yet to explore? Do some of your desires confuse or frighten you? Do they excite you?

Day 28 – Has your Dominance ever failed you? Have you ever been criticised or received negative feedback for your Dominance? Have you ever regretted your actions or emotions as a Dominant either in a moment or in a relationship? Have you ever looked back and realised you made a mistake and, if so, what lessons did you learn and how did you apply them?

Day 29 – Is pain or humiliation part of your Dominant expression? What is your relationship to pain and humiliation? Do you embrace it as part of your Dominance, inflict it reluctantly or have some other type of relationship with it?

Day 30 – Is your need to be Dominant being met? If not, or if your situation changed, do you think that you could continue in your life and be happy and content without being able to express your Dominance in the way that feels best to you? What makes being a Dominant special to you?