I dedicate this post to all those walking dickheads I’ve met through online dating – the bland men.
There is so much talk about gay and straight. I never forget being asked “How do you know you’re straight?” many years ago when I was still going to BDSM munches. I still go to BDSM get togethers but now they are less traditional. No one calls them munches, just Wednesday Night Coffee in town.
When I think about a man’s hands I know that’s what I want. I don’t feel the same about a woman. I can have fantasies or become aroused just from thinking about being touched in ways, in places and in assorted scenarios. The hands (tools, machines, robots, aliens, tentacles, whatever) touching me don’t so much matter when the focus is on myself, my surroundings, the fetish or kinky bits. In fantasies we always focus on ourselves. That’s what makes them so good for us.
However, when I focus on the hands themselves, I want a man’s bigger hands touching me. I want some calluses from his work outdoors. I want clean fingernails cut bluntly square across, no nail polish. I want a light sprinkle of hairs on the back of his hand, over his wrist and leading up to his arm and all the rest of him. I don’t especially want a hairy man, too much hair is too much hair. But, I don’t want a smooth shaved body, like a woman.
I’ve never really wondered all that much about whether I’m gay or not. How do I know whether I like chocolate or vanilla? There’s a bigger question, I like both, especially all swirled together with ribbons of caramel. My favourite ice cream is the Gold Medal Ribbon which I first had at Baskin Robbins as a kid.
Some things are that simple.
Some are not simple at all.
My answer hasn’t changed to the gay or straight question. But, I’ve come to understand more about myself and what I feel. I do desire a man physically but not emotionally. Not that I want a woman either. Emotionally I’d like to be left alone.
A funny thing happened on the way to this point in my life…
I’d like Baskin Robbins to deliver. Can they just send me a crate of Gold Medal Ribbon so I can keep it in the freezer and scoop out a bowl full when I’m in the mood for ice cream?
I’m tired of trying to ‘find someone’. I’ve kissed the frogs. I’ve been married and divorced. My strings have all come undone or been pulled out. I don’t even want to find someone any more. Of course, hope is eternal and can never die. I have a spark which won’t go out and I do look up and think I might just see someone looking back.
But, how can you trust anyone not to be too cynical, too self-centred and actually be looking for me too?
Ice cream may not be doing my weight any favours but it tastes better and hasn’t let me down. Ice cream has never hurt my feelings or made me feel insignificant. Ice cream is there when I want something good in my life again. Ice cream is an emotional thing as well as it’s own food group.
Anyway, I’m not fooling myself. I know ice cream melts and is just cold comfort.
All these years later I am still physically attracted to men but I am not emotionally attracted to them. In the end, if I didn’t have emotions when it came to sex and being close to people, I could just be like the men I meet online and screw whatever looks good enough. No emotions involved. No regrets, no apologies, no sense of actually being with another human being at all.
That’s not me. Sex is all about intimacy, closeness and emotion for me. I’ve never picked up someone at a bar and taken them home to screw me. If I want an orgasm I can have one. I don’t even need modern tools or toys. Sometimes I imagine a man, sometimes it’s an alien… with tentacles or a really weird penis. Even my fantasies have emotion though. Who or whatever I’m with actually wants me. Me, not a blow up doll or the perfect model from some porn site.
I don’t know what sex is without an emotional attraction. People talk about vanilla versus BDSM. The real vanilla is not the people who aren’t kinky, it’s the people who leave the emotion out of it all.
Vanilla is just great with me – it’s a rich flavour which just happens to be light in colour. It’s very unfair to vanilla to have become the word used to describe a lack of flavour, or kinkiness. Instead we should call them bland maybe. Not the people who choose not to be kinky, play with fetishes or experiment with sexuality – bland are the people who perform it all but leave the emotions out of it.
Without the emotions you may as well be doing it yourself, to yourself. If you’re going to be bland about it do so. But, don’t try to drain the emotions out of someone else and hope that will bring you up from being bland to the level of having some flavour. You can’t steal or take emotions because they only feel good when they are your own.