What is Sex, Actually?

When you hear sex education you likely assume it’s all about sex. However, there is more to sex education than sex alone. There are things like sexless marriages, virginity, menopause, fetishes and kinky stuff too.

Have you ever thought about what sex actually is?

Does sex have to be about penetration? What if you and a partner are into mutual masturbation, does that mean you have not had sex? If you say yes to that, does that mean lesbians have never had sex (unless you count being artificially penetrated – assuming they use such things)?

What about people who choose not to have sex, is there something wrong with them or is it just a choice? If there isn’t something wrong with that choice what does it say about people who have a lot of sex or think they are deprived if they haven’t had sex in a week? Are they oversexed?

I think sex is embarrassing. People don’t really want to talk about it, face to face. When you have sex you look pretty silly and sound worse. I’m amazed the human species has made it this far when I think about what sex actually is, especially in the past when consent wasn’t an issue.

So much about sex is all in your perspective. When you are intimate with someone you forget to be embarrassed. If you are someone who has sex frequently that seems normal to you. Someone else who has sex less often is normal too. It doesn’t mean they have less libido, less desire or are less attractive. They have a different perspective.

All this fuss about sex and then… menopause. What is the purpose of sex? I’ve thought about that. As a woman over 45, child-less and now waiting for menopause I sometimes feel angry about the whole sex thing. I think sex has let me down in every way that counts. I didn’t especially love sex when I was married, or before or since. I got married for the purpose of having companionship and children. I never found out if I were infertile, that didn’t become an issue because my husband changed his mind about children and being married. We’re divorced. Not because of sex.

Retro Internet: The 1500 Point Purity Test

Long ago, in the days of the Internet surfing highway, there was a purity test with over 1000 questions. I found a copy of it. Posted for your viewing (or take the test) pleasure.


If you thought the millenial purity test was bad, well you ain’t see
nuttin’ yet!

This is the 1500 point Purity Test!

We felt that the 1000 point version lost a lot of the “fun” of the
earlier versions, so we re-wrote it, adding a few new sections, and
a shitload of questions. This test is guaranteed to be nosier that
your parents, more invasive than the census, and containing something
to offend everybody.

Also included is an answer form so that you can remember where in the
test you were, or show to a friend.

Continue reading Retro Internet: The 1500 Point Purity Test

I Like Taking Myself to Bed

This is my contribution to #AdultSexEdMonth. This is personal and does contain mentions of taboo sexual fetishes and kinks. I don’t apologize for the contents of my sexual fantasies. 

I have a problem with sex. The problem happens when I involve anyone else with my enjoyment of sex. Masturbation is divine. You won’t catch me saying that to anyone, in person. But, masturbation is fully under my control, there is no feedback from cheap seats and I can do whatever I want to myself because I know what I like and how I like it. I explore self pleasuring – I’ve been doing it for a few decades and I’m just getting better at it all the time.

Why does sex have to be about more than one person? I think most people consider self pleasure to still be a selfish act. Or, something for only the lonely.

In actual fact, the best sex I have ever had (except for one very special situation) has been when I was alone in the room. Alone in the building even. In my thoughts I am sometimes alone on the planet even but for my trusty sex bot, or some weird space alien, or other creature from my imagination or readings of other people’s erotica. I do love a good story.

In my sexual fantasies nothing is taboo. I can masturbate my way to orgasm with fantasies of being abducted, alien men with extreme and unusually shaped cocks, age play (based on my own experience of being molested in a movie theatre – which does seem strange to me but nevertheless), sex with animals (the only time I like being near a dog) or anything else wild, dangerous and among the things I would never do in reality and would not even discuss or admit to anyone who knows me.

Having a great imagination and making use of it for your own pleasure does not make you a sexual deviant, it may make you a sexual oddity. But there is nothing law breaking about dreaming up assorted sexual situations while you lie in bed, sit at your desk or in the car… and give yourself a great orgasm.

I have learned to be quiet and fairly quick about it. I almost had my first orgasm when I was about 10. The sensations freaked me out so I stopped at the beginning of the build up. I had no idea why my body was reacting the way it was then. I hadn’t read anything about sex. Parents and sexual education in school didn’t talk about women having orgasms, how your body could flush with pleasure and then burst, all without breaking anything.

In those days I had fantasies about being looked after by a TV doctor, Dr. Kildare for those old enough to know or curious enough to look it up. Richard Chamberlain was the actor. I know this fantasy was based on my issues with my Father. I wanted that caring Daddy who would wrap me up in cotton balls, kiss me gently and make me feel good. I didn’t know about sex toys and had none. I used to bring things to bed with me and use them to play with myself. I won’t go into the assortment but, pens and pencils became my favourite bedtime pastime. Twirling a pencil over my clitoris was a good sensation.

My first orgasm came not from any understanding or knowledge about what I was doing. It was just an accident, on purpose. I was curious about the build up of sensations and finally became curious enough to keep going and see what happened next. I was a little frightened, maybe more than a little. Still, some part of my brain must have known it wasn’t unnatural, in spite of how unusual it seemed. After that first orgasm many more were to follow. By the time I was in my later twenties I was enjoying an orgasm daily. By myself.

I was a virgin, technically, until I was in my early thirties. That was the sex I mentioned earlier. We were both virgins, both the same age and both social misfits. We had been friends for years before sex came into it. We are friends again since the divorce too. So I am one of those old fashioned types who married the first man she slept with. By the way, having sex as a virgin, with a virgin was phenomenal. I doubt it would have been that amazing if we had both been younger. Without having the experience yourself I don’t think you can really ever know what it is like to have your body worshipped.

Anyway, back to the masturbation.

Masturbation can be done with nothing at all, this makes it very portable, mobile even. Sometimes I do like the feeling of something else touching me, something that does not return the feeling which I get from using my own fingers. I used to use the pencils and pens but I have since graduated to a vibrator. I don’t use batteries in it. For one thing, the noise is distracting and for another, I don’t need it to jump or shimmy or vibrate. I like it to penetrate me – but only the odd time. Mostly I like the vibrator (it’s a soft one, not hard plastic) to rub over my clitoris and push just inside the inner lips of my vagina.  I’ve read that vagina only has sensation, the ability to feel, for the first few inches. I have found it to be true. Although I can enjoy the fantasy of being penetrated by something huge, in fact, I enjoy the dip more than the fill up.

Our culture has so many taboos about women and sex, masturbation and virginity and there I was right in the cross-hairs of all three.  I haven’t slept around since the divorce and the marriage itself was light on the sex. But, I don’t feel deprived, anxious or abnormal. I love the orgasms I give myself. Men just seem to mess it all up.

My last actual boyfriend talked so much about how much sex we would have and then… he changed his mind. It ended up with me masturbating him and getting very little back from him. That just isn’t going to work out for me. It was ok for awhile but cock sucking is a double edged thing. I heard my brother and his friends call each other cock suckers and they didn’t mean it like it was a good thing. So, how can men expect women to become cock suckers if being a cock sucker is a bad thing? You can’t have it both ways. So, cock sucking makes me feel dirty, used and angry too.

So, sex with men has not really panned out for me. Men don’t really seem to get it. For one thing they focus on their own needs and when it comes to a woman they think of boobs and pussy, if that much. I want a man who knows I have a body, who discovers how aroused I can get by having my back stroked, lightly scratched and rubbed. I want a man who pats my bum and slips his finger into my pussy from behind. I want a man to explore sensual kinkiness and fetishes with me. I want a man who is masculine and knows what he wants but likes to have a woman in charge sexually. I want a man I can tie up, put in a cage and tease and torment and then laugh at him while he squirms. I want a man who can be a partner in my sexual fantasies and then add his own twist, or take over and become the Daddy who takes care of me but coaxes me to do bad things, naughty things…

I haven’t found that man. I think he might be available in years to come. Ordered online and shipped in a crate. I’d like mine to have a wind up key and an off button. It would be nice if he can also shrink in size for some of my fantasies about little men, like the tiny people from Gulliver’s Travels. I won’t go into details, just leave that for your own kinky, sensual imagination the next time you have some time to yourself and let your fingers do the walking.

Masturbation is very relaxing in the evening when you can’t sleep. (Just in case you didn’t already know).

Weird Facts about Cocks

Originally posted to Adult BackWash: Saturday July 10, 2004

A few weird facts picked up from the web. Made me laugh. I won’t tell which ones made me laugh the most.

Actual amout of semen per ejaculation: 1-2 teaspoons

Average number of times a man will ejaculate in his lifetime: 7,200

Average # of times he will ejaculate from masturbation: 2,000

Average total amount of lifetime ejaculate: 14 gallons

Average amount of water it takes to fill a bathtub: 35 gallons

Average # of calories in a teaspoon of semen: 7

Average length of penis when not erect: 3.5 inches

Average length when erect: 5.1

Smallest natural penis recorded: 5/8 of an inch

Largest natural penis recorded: 11 inches

Largest penis in the animal kingdom: 11 feet (blue whale)

Most arousing time of day/season for a man: early morning/fall

Best ways to improve sexual function: quit smoking, start excercising, lose weight.

Foods that improve sex life: lean meat, oysters, seafood, whole grains, and wheat germ

Percent of men who say they masturbate: 60%

Percent of men who say they masturbate at least once a day: 54%

Percent of men who say they feel guilty masturbating that often: 41%

Amount of time needed for a man to regain erection: from 2 min to 2weeks

Average # of erections per day for a man: 11

Average # of erections during the night: 9

In general, the taste of a man’s semen varies with his diet:

Some say that the alkaline-based foods (fish and some meats) produce a buttery or fishy taste.

Dairy products can create a foul taste.

The taste of semen after eating asparagus is said to be the foulest.

Acidic fruits and alcohol (except processed liquors) give it a pleasant and sugary taste.

Examples: mangos, oranges, kiwi, lemons, grapefruit, limes, Labatt Blue, Honey Brown

Odors that increase blood flow to the penis: lavender, licorice, chocolate, doughnuts, pumpkin pie. (Happy Thanksgiving!)

How to Look Good Naked for Blogging Grrls

Have you ever taken a photo of your own breast? I was thinking about a few things today: beauty, youth, fit versus fat and what it feels like to be a grrl (woman, girl, etc). One of the most intimate and erotic things I have done for myself (other than masturbation and even that gets routine) was taking scans and then photos of my own breasts. Mainly including the nipple otherwise it could be a leg or anything covered with enough flesh and skin.

I think we should have our own How to Look Good Naked thing. Just for the grrl bloggers. Keep it a secret if you really can’t make yourself post something. But, come on, screw up your courage and liberate yourself. Have a Godiva moment and scan or photgraph your naked boob and post it to your blog. Use a title about How to Look Good Naked. If I start it today can we all do it? Don’t let me be the only one.

You’ll be surprised at how sexy and erotic it feels to take a picture of your own breast. But this isn’t an adult content thing. Just a woman thing. Breasts are such a big part of being a woman: as a sexy part and a life giving part. Whether we have an A cup or a huge cup, whether we have smooth skin or skin healed from surgery… just try it. Do it for yourself and then boldly post it. Leave me a link or just email me that you did it. But, try to post your photo or scan too. It’s fun to be so daring and liberating to share something incredibly intimate and personal, a real part of yourself.

Masturbation Fantasies

Masturbation Fantasies: Originally posted to Adult BackWash, April 29, 2002

I’m guessing most people have something going on in their head while they give themselves an orgasm. I don’t think my fantasies are unusual. I just haven’t told anyone about them, before now.

In most of my fantasies I’m being seduced whether its by an older man (a Daddy/ teacher sort of situation) or I’m having a rape fantasy (not violent, its a seduction after all) by an alien or some non-human type thing like a machine. I also have bestiality fantasies. I think those are along the same lines as the rape fantasy, its all being seduced by something other than a human. A force you can’t reason with, talk to, etc. I know that has something to do with the appeal of these fanstasies to me.

These are not things I would actually like to do. But, fantasies are in a world of their own. You only imagine the good parts, the parts that turn you on. The reality would be very different and not at all pleasant. But, these are the things that seem to appeal to me while I’m sitting or lying around, stroking my clit.

On the other hand, the Domme fantasies are something I think I could do. Not really extreme stuff, although I could get to a point where I would be tempted to explore some of that. The crack of a whip would really add spice to the reality versus fantasy. But, that is something I could learn to do.

One thing that does not interest me is forced feminization. As a women that is insulting really. Both as something that needs to be forced and as something that a man could attain so easily. I don’t know why men want to be women, or attempt to dress as one. Women don’t seem to be flocking for forced masculinization. I wonder how men would feel if forced masculinization became a fetish.

I also don’t like whimpy style male submissives. They make it seem kind of gross in a way. Its more like you are just part of his jerk off fantasy than something that should be good for both of you. But, a male submissive who brings you into the fantasy, one who can crack a joke, let you seduce him and submit, especially when he doesn’t really want to. That is the kind of submissive male that I fantasize about.

When I do fantasize about a male submitting to me its along the lines of a Sharon Green story. I don’t know if she is still writing her femdom style fiction. They were a good read. I started reading them years ago and the warrior women, especially those in the tribe with the Goddess Mida stayed in my fantasies for a long time. I would see myself as one of the women in the tribe using men as they did. They had some kind of drug they gave them and then they tied the men down on the ground, spread eagled, and whoever could throw her spear farthest would win the first crack at the new male captive. I didn’t always win. Sometimes I came back late from hunting and the man was already worn out. He would beg not to be used any more. But, I would trick him into taking the drug again and then I would use him in spite of his protests.

I guess that’s why I really need a Switchy man. Someone who could submit and be submitted to as the fantasy occurs.

Writing Speed Porn

Filling Up The (Column) Inches
By Emily Dubberley

A few weeks back, I was launching a new sex site for women. We’d set pretty tight deadlines for the team but sure enough, with 24 hours to go before launch, we had 30,000 words of porn to write.

Not a good situation.

Even worse, some of it was is genres that didn’t even interest me; we try to cater for as broad a range as fantasies as possible but that doesn’t mean I’m an all-round perv!

This is when I learned how to write speed-porn that (hopefully) presses all the right buttons but takes a lot less time to write. Here are a few tips that may help when you’re up against it:

1. Base as much as you can on personal experience. Remembering a particularly hot night and writing it up is a lot easier than having to generate entirely original scenarios.

2. Take horny situations you’ve been in that never amounted to anything; those nights when there’s been a frisson in the air but something stopped things from developing. Imagine what would have happened and write it down.

3. Failing that, write up your most common fantasies that have no basis in reality. It’s amazing how much you remember; after all, you’ve been using it as masturbation material for years!

4. Think of every chat you’ve ever had in which sexual scenarios have been mentioned. Write them up (changing names for obvious reasons)

5. It sounds obvious, but pick scenarios that are easy to introduce sex into. Rather than having to convolute the lead characters into ending up in the sack, go for something like playing naked twister, being drunk at a party or having a girlie night in with a friend you’ve always fancied. It may lead to slightly clichéd stories but given that most people read porn for masturbation material, as long as the sex scenes are well written, they probably won’t mind too much.

6. Start listening to every conversation around you, no matter how mundane. Inspiration can come from the strangest places. Hearing a barman saying ‘I’ll be coming right over in a second’ or a business colleague saying ‘I’m tied up all afternoon’ can trigger erotic stories if you’re keeping your dirty mind running full time.

7. Keep it real. You may be on deadline but it still needs to sound convincing. If you’re writing about anal sex, mention some form of lube. If you’re talking about blowing a 14 inch cock, mention some hand action (or gagging, but that’s far less erotic!) And if you’re writing about group sex, make sure the scenarios are physically possible.

8. Where possible, don’t write group sex on a deadline. It’s way harder to keep track of what five characters are doing than two or three, particularly if you want all of them to come. The less characters you have, the quicker you can write it up.

9. Ask everyone you know (via e-mail; you are on deadline) to suggest scenarios. If you’re a porn writer, throwing in the sex once you’ve got a prompt should be pretty easy.

10. Don’t masturbate or have sex until you’ve met deadline; that pent-up tension makes for great porn!

Emily Dubberley is the editor of http://www.cliterati.co.uk.