The Predators of Online Dating

I’ve seen online dating as a social horror story for years. The people trying to find matches are just the surface. The dating business is even more predatory.

If you’ve been trying online dating, STOP! You’ve been set up to fail right from the start. (Free sites too – the longer you stick around the more ads they can sell).
From Thought Catalog:

After a few bad dates and misplaced emotional investment in the wrong guys, many of these women decide that all men are like this. So, when a genuinely nice guy comes along, she’s not interested, or else she decides that he’s “just like all the rest”. The nice guy then laments that women only date the jerks, and he sets out to become a jerk in order to garner a woman’s interest.

You can’t read the forums of dating sites and not find men and women posting about how discouraged they are by the people they try to meet on dating sites. Men who say anything just to get a screw. Women who don’t put out fast enough. Kind of a theme there – long before the dating sites but – the dating sites make money by encouraging it.

This is what you really need to know about online dating sites:

According to “Sally” (name has been changed), a senior consulting programmer who’s assisted in the creating of compatibility algorithms at a number of online dating sites, it costs the average dating site approximately $120 to generate a new customer. (In the subscription-based services world, this is called the Cost of User Acquisition, and includes the fees associated with advertising, promotion, sales bonuses, transaction fees, and more). But if the monthly fee is only $20 a month, the dating site needs to keep you using their services (read: unmatched) for at least six months just to break even. To show a profit, they need to keep you unmatched even longer. According to Sally, this is how it’s done:

“When a subscriber completes their online questionnaire and profile, the site’s technology matches them up with compatible potentials, and the subscriber is shown a selection of matched profiles. However, although the algorithm is capable of matching based on compatibility, only one of the profiles shown is actually a match based on their algorithm; the others are either random profiles of other users, or fake profiles entirely. If the subscriber doesn’t happen to click on the profile generated from the algorithm and instead selects one of the other randomly generated profiles, the algorithm shuts off for the next 4-5 months in an effort to recoup the cost spend of acquiring that subscriber. It’s been done like this for years, and is the way the business works.”

Are you really surprised? I suspected the dating sites were not all lovey dovey but this went beyond what I really believed they would do, deliberately. But, business makes money by preying on the consumer while pretending they care. Stop falling for it, stop getting your heart broken and thinking meeting someone is entirely hopeless. It isn’t. You’ve just been getting played by the dating sites and the people who use them (like parasites).

There are other ways to meet people, even online. Join social groups based on your personal interests, hobbies, location and career. Avoid sites which ask for paid membership (with exceptions for associations and societies which actually do host events for their members to meet and greet). Outside of the dating sites you are likely to find someone far more sincere about having a relationship.

If you’re a woman who just wants to get screwed – the dating sites are your playground! Bring your own condoms.

To Ignore or Not to Ignore…

Guys, you are not entitled to a response. We don’t even know you. We’re not trying to be rude, we are just trying to be efficient and to protect ourselves from immature, unwarranted insults.

Source: I Responded To Everyone Who Messaged Me On OkCupid and Here’s What Happened | Single Girl Blogging


I noticed that men who had written a longer note tended to be upset/ angrier when she was not interested. This is interesting to me because I tend to put time into writing a note if I’m interested in a man online. I try to appreciate the directness when someone isn’t interested back, it’s not easy.

But, I do get annoyed with men who send notes without actually reading my profile to know who I am and then get pissy when I’m not interested.

Overall it’s better to send a note back I think. We used to have auto scripts we could post on IRC. That could be an idea dating sites and forums should start using. A quick auto reply would give a response rather than leaving people feel ignored. How they deal with a negative response is up to them. Hope they can handle it with some maturity and grace.

WordPress Plugins for FetLife

I canceled my profile on FetLife last year so I can’t give either of these plugins a try. But, I was interested in them and decided to post about them knowing others do still use FetLife.

WP FetLife Importer

This plugin will import your pictures and writings from FetLife into your WordPress site as posts. Nice if you have been writing on the site and want to keep track of it, or keep a back up copy too. I did see some people had a lot of content posted. Crossposting is a great idea for original content posted to a secondary site (not your own domain). You can leave all the posts saved as drafts and not publish them if you don’t want duplicate posts.

WP FetLife

Show your activity on the FetLife site, like having a social feed with events you may attend, groups you joined or posted questions, replies or information in general.

One of the problems I noticed with posting anything linking to FetLife was anyone clicking the link had to be a member of the site (and logged in) in order to see the link on the FetLife site. So, I stopped posting links to groups there. Seemed a wasted effort as people who were logged in didn’t need me to promote groups to them. But, people who might like the information might find it frustrating to have it out of their reach.

We are Women Not Unpaid Sex Workers

I don’t share well. I am not interested bisexual or married men. Not looking for the cheating on your wife experience. Not looking for the cougar experience. Not looking for the long distance or online sex experience. Not looking for casual sex or play experience. Not looking for someone to serve me as my sissy, sex slave or anything else they assume I want. Not looking for selfish submissive men, at all.

It greatly annoys me that women on Fetlife have to write all this (see above) and then still get notes from men who have not read it or choose to ignore it. I should be able to just write a nice, meaningful, somewhat spiritual or even flowery profile. But, I have long since given up on that. Instead I write a list of conditions which I should not have to write at all.

Dear all you walking dickhead men, assume we don’t want you and work from there. Instead of assuming every female on here is just here because they can’t wait to service your sexual needs assume the opposite – we don’t want to provide you with free sex services. We are women, not unpaid sex workers.

I updated my Fetlife profile. Not really an update, more like an upgrade. I wish I could write a real profile. I have read some very good ones, telling so much about the person and their experiences and adventures in life. But, I haven’t written that kind of profile for any dating site in many years. There seems no real point. The men I hear from have not read it, or have decided they are the exception and I will want them because all women online are sluts. Or something like that.

There must be some men who do read it and then choose not to write. I’m optimistic enough to believe that.

Curiousity and Self Discipline

This was from an old profile I wrote for the BackWash site. It may have been the first one I wrote there. I thought it was pretty clever. The site is gone, I found it via the Internet Wayback Machine,  so I’m saving it here.


Life endlessly intrigues me. I have so much curiousity that I had to remove all my self discipline just to give myself room to think.

How to Write a Great Adult Dating Profile

Note: This was originally publishing on HubPages but the site is run by a pack of Christian virgins apparently. Too much adult content! Thus it is removed and relocated here.

Be Honest About Yourself and What you Want

Don’t lie about anything.It’s much easier to meet someone you haven’t lied to.

Don’t lie about your weight, height, and personal appearance in general.

Don’t claim to love animals and children, if you don’t.

Don’t claim to be a non-smoker if you’re still trying to quit.

Really know what you want when it comes to a serious relationship or something quick and meaningless. Choose to place your ad on an adult dating site which suits your needs. Don’t look for one night stands on a site which focuses on making real connections, couples and long term romance.

Make sure you say what you want from a relationship upfront and look for others who do the same. Anyone who can’t give you specifics is not a good risk.

Decide on three things you must have in the person you are looking for. Sticking to three which are most important leaves you open to meeting people who might not fit the cookie cutter ideal you want but could turn out to be great, better than the ideal you have carried around in your imagination.

Make a list of thing most important things you want someone to know about yourself. Put them in order of importance and write about them in that order. When someone reads your profile they will get a sense of who you are and what is most important to you.

Explain and illustrate your points. Don’t write an essay but if you can show a little depth and knowledge about your interests you seem to be someone who really does care about whatever you are writing about AND you will be putting more effort into meeting someone and caring about communicating with them.

A Little Modesty Goes a Long Way

People will be more attracted and believe a profile which does not sound like a bragging loud mouth. Write about your achievements, your best features but don’t go overboard on selling them. Let them be found rather than broadcasting them.

People like discovering on their own rather than being led around and told what to think.

Write About Who you Really Are, Not Who you Think you Should Be

Don’t write a profile where you have no flaws. Write about yourself with flaws included. But, you don’t have to make yourself sound bad. If you’re working to quit smoking – say that. It’s always good to write about things you are working on changing for the better. But, even things you can’t change might fit right in with someone else who has flaws of their own.

Don’t claim interests and hobbies you haven’t ever done or haven’t done in years, unless you are honest about it. You can write about having an interest in sailing even if you only sailed once in your life. Just make it plain that you aren’t an expert (have only sailed once but loved it) and would like to find someone who shares your interest.

Start with a Great Opening Line

Just because your profile starts with the opening line doesn’ t mean you have to write it that way. Leave this for last, after you have written the rest of your profile and you have a feeling for the image of yourself you are giving and what you have already said about yourself.

Wrap up your good points and the basic information about your age, location and such in the opening line. Give people a reason to expect you are the person they want to find. But, don’t be boring about it. Think up an interesting way to introduce yourself.

“Busy 40ish photographer in Smalltown, Ontario looking for a woman with creative flair.”

Active, single Mom in Smalltown, Ontario looking for a single Dad jogging partner.”

Don’t Skip the Photo

When you post a photo don’t show nudity, don’t be underdressed, try for a casual everyday look. Dressing up in a suit and tie or cocktail dress is great. But, too much will make you seem insincere and phony. All flash on the surface, without real depth.

Don’t look directly into the camera for your profile photo. It can put people off cause you seem to be glaring or too intense. Smiling is a good thing too. The best profile photo is one where you look relaxed.

Spelling Counts!

Don’t post or leave your profile as finished and ready to go live until you have checked your spelling, punctuation and grammar. You may not be an English professor but you can use software to check your spelling. You can read your profile out loud and hear how it sounds. Does it make sense. Does it flow or seem kind of awkward. Fix it before you post it.

How to Decide if Someone is Sincere About Meeting

Can they verify they live in your area? Do they know about local places like restaurants and locations? Can they tell you anything someone couldn’t have found by looking at Google Maps?

Do they talk about themselves? Do they tell you enough to make you feel connected to a real person?

Do they ask questions about you? Do you feel they want to get to know you beyond the photo you provided on the dating site? Or, do they not ask you anything about who you are or seem to really want to find out how well you could match up together?

Are they willing to talk on the phone about getting together and making plans? Do they give you a phone number with a local area code?

Does their dating profile show real photos, of themselves? Does the photo match the text description on the site?

Do they go ahead and make plans and then show up? Or do they cancel or change their mind… Beware giving out second chances. You could be started in a relationship where you just get strung along.

Articles About Profile Writing

I’m Not a Phone Person Either

Sources have caught up with Depp at the premier of his latest film, “The Tourist” where he shared about his apprehensions on owning a mobile phone and explained how he maintains keeping a low profile.

“We have Internet and stuff like that because I think that’s the safest form, well, most interesting form of communication”, He added when asked about reports that he kept his house tech-free. “I just don’t like phones.”

“I just don’t like them… being reachable all the time,” the actor continued.

via Johnny Depp And His Hatred For Phones.

It was nice to read this about Johnny Depp tonight. I feel the same way. I did have a mobile phone, a BlackBerry, for about a week. But I took it back and closed the account. I just don’t want it. Even though I may be falling behind the technologically mobile rat race… I don’t want to be available 24 hours a day and have people expecting I will answer the phone, drop everything, just because I have a phone attached to my body.

Stick to your guns Johnny, you’re not alone!