Don’t Blame the Findoms

Stop blaming sex workers for the sale of sex.

Sex sells because there are an endless supply of buyers. Sex buyers create and customize the market. Sex workers become what sex buyers want.

Do not blame findoms (financial domination professional FemDoms) for taking money, accepting gifts and demanding more. The supply of men (I’ve yet to see a woman on the buying side) looking for financial domination is there. The professional sex workers cater to the demand for it.

Attacking or blaming sex workers is not changing or helping men to change.

Why do men want financial domination? How did this fetish grow so much and so easily? Do you really believe the supply was there before the demand? No, the supply grew to meet the demand. If you want to stop financial domination work at the source, the demand for it. This is why my first question is, why is there a demand for it? I don’t really understand either.

Do men need to feel vulnerable? Is this an exchange of power in order to create vulnerability for the men?

This all leads to so many other questions, for me. Why are men looking for this kind of “forced” vulnerability? (Force in quotes because it is not really enforced, the buyer is in control and the force is not real. This is a transaction controlled by the holder of the credit card).

Are these men looking to be martyrs? I think they want to feel abused or taken advantage of and then expect sympathy. The big, bad findom is hurting the poor, little man. Except he can end the call, put away the credit card and stop the transaction – at will.

But he doesn’t.

The Sex Trap

I worry that women get caught in a sex trap. How we think of ourselves and how men see us.

When you see an image like this (below) you get an impression of that woman, what to expect from her, who she is, how she thinks, etc. But, how often is this how women are portrayed, generally. This image is an exception, a part of the whole and yet it is taken as our worth, our identity too. It seems men decide this is what a woman should be because this is what they want of women.

So by selling ourselves we sell ourselves short.


Images such as this keep the stereotype (for lack of a better word) growing. Everything we do as Mothers, professional career women, and just as women in general is taken down a notch due to our worth being seen as sexual rather than a woman.

You can call me a feminist if you like. If that makes you feel I’m just another feminist you want to discount the opinions of. But, I’m not especially feminist. I don’t pin a lot of labels on myself because they limit you. A label sticks to you and then you try to keep the label by changing to suit it. I’d rather just be who I am and evolve as I go along.

Most people cling to labels. I think they are a short cut, taking the easy way out instead of actually thinking and making a decision.

Women are labelled, a lot.

The woman in the photo above will be labelled, quickly.

She could be any woman taking off her underwear. She could be a wife. She could be a Mother of children. She is likely a daughter to someone, maybe a sister. She could be a lawyer, an engineer, a teacher, a real estate agent, a waitress, etc. But, few people will think of any of that when they look at this picture.

Do sex workers, catering to men’s needs, sell all women short?

I’m not a religious fanatic so my point of view is not biased that way. I just think women will never be able to advance as long as women are for sale (or rent as the case may be) for sex. Why is sex so important? Sex is plastered all over our culture and media. Look at advertising, for an easy example. When sex sells why is it a woman in the picture almost every time. Are men so hideous they can’t be used to sell cars?

Overall, I don’t think women will ever find equal ground in our society because we are seen as sexual tools and that image is sold over and over again. As women we often buy into it ourselves.

The Astrology of Kink

The Astrology of Kink: The Sagittarius Adventure

Sagittarius is represented by the Centaur, half-human, half-horse. Ever visit a stud farm during breeding season? Equines who are otherwise decent-enough working animals are insane with the urge to breed; the only thing standing between the animals’ urges and utter rutting chaos is the intervention of human handlers.

It’s lucky for the rest of us, then, that Sagittarius has its human handler built in — if they’ll stoop to obeying him or her, that is. The sex drive is strong, impulsive, and somewhat conquest-oriented, and some Centaurs end up with more notches on their bedposts than Virgo has little pills.

Sagittarius has the ability to easily separate sex from emotion. Security and intimacy are important to Sagittarius, but are not necessarily linked to their fiery physical drives. Spontaneous sexual adventures and one-night stands are usually guilt-free; Sagittarians hate restrictions of all kinds, and the occasional bout of unrestrained sexual freedom can be deeply satisfying in a way that other signs might not readily understand.

Sagittarians also make fantastic sex workers, especially if the job calls for live action on demand. They’re not necessarily the show-offs of the sex industry, but practicality and physical vigor more than make up for any lack of showmanship.

This is a mutable sign, and its ruler Jupiter lends a cavalier streak — Sagittarius will try anything once. They’re not fond of labels (labels equal limits) but will sometimes compromise outwardly in order to maintain security at home. Hence, you find a large number of naturally pansexual Sagittarians maintaining the appearance of a monosexual relationship, while dallying elsewhere with members of both sexes. They’re also attracted to the idea of open relationships, but, like their opposing sign Gemini, sometimes find even open agreements tough to keep; restrictions are restrictions, after all, no matter how generous!

Oddly enough, Sagittarius tends to pick up specific fetishes more readily than any other sign except for Virgo. Stocking fetishes, latex fetishes, more esoteric fetishes like pony play or other role-specific “musts” … you name it, a Sagittarius will adopt it, at least for a little while. The difference between Virgo and Sagittarius is persistence; a Centaur’s fetishistic interests tend to fade abruptly. This sign explores things thoroughly, yes, but then moves on to the next unexplored sexual arena with little warning and even less regret.

Both Mars and Venus in Sagittarius are equally prone to this adventurous outlook on sex. The Sagittarian Sun shares it, too, but most Centaur Suns tend to settle down eventually, and turn their expansive urges toward less physical conquests. No Sagittarian can tolerate excessive restrictions, though, no matter how settled they seem. Confinement is always uncomfortable, and when the horizon of possibilities begins shrinking around them, it’s only a matter of time before they react, with all the desperation of a claustrophobic mustang in a broom closet.

If you’re the kind of person who values spontaneity, adventure and fiery independence over certain security, you’ll love Sagittarius. Give them plenty of room to explore all the fascinating experiences life has to offer, and you’ll have a lover who is affectionate, playful and vital. Try to fence them in, and all you’ll have is an empty paddock. Think you can handle this free spirit? If you can, it’ll be the ride of a lifetime.

Source: The Astrology of Kink: The Sagittarius Adventure —

Will Sex Robots Leave Human Sex Workers Unemployed?

I began to wonder how sex robots would change things for sex workers as I was reading yet another post about female sex robots and their orifices. For men, it seems sex robots are not very different from sex workers, neither are quite human. Beyond the sex worker issue, however, will the availability of sex robots have a big impact on sex work for human sex workers?

I know, people claim men want human interaction. Sex workers say a lot of their job isn’t actually sex. I think it’s all in your perspective of what is sex and what is not. If you’re talking about sex, catering to a client, that’s still along the lines of sex. It’s not a regular conversation with ups and downs about life, the universe and everything. In spite of what men say, in my experience, they want sex. The human element is annoyingly in the way. A woman can say no. A sex worker might say no, or ask for more money.

Sex robots seem ideal for men in this way.  It’s like having your porn and eating it too. Store your sex robot in a closet when you’re done, likely they can even be self-cleaning.

  • Instead of a paying for phone sex – talk dirty to the sex bot.
  • Instead of going out and picking up a sex worker, just pull the sex bot out from under the bed.
  • Instead of looking at online porn and paying for it, dress up your sex bot and do whatever you want to it.

What do you think?

How to Be a Good Sex-Work Client

Do you know the right etiquette for hiring a sex worker? The final point on this list covers all the others really. To make it simple and easy to remember, treat them with some respect and consideration. Not so different from any other business situation really is it? You may be the client in this transaction but you’re still a guest in someone’s life. You’re only paying for their time and service – you don’t get to be a jerk.

  • DO: Give out your real name and phone number.
  • DON’T: Ask a lot of personal questions.
  • DON’T: Think of it as simply paying for sex.
  • DO: Think of it as any other appointment.
  • DON’T: Show up drunk or high.
  • DO: Treat him or her with the same respect you’d afford any other sex partner.

Read the full post: Do This, Not That: How not to be rude at the gym or on the Metro, how to ask for pot or hire a sex worker—and go ahead, ask someone what they do for a living: An etiquette guide for life in D.C. – Washington City Paper

Pick Your Adventure, Domme Style

My boyfriend has recently told me he’s always wanted a femdom. I keen on doing this for him, but I’m not sure how to go about it. What kind of dirty talk do femdoms use, and would I get him to do anything I want him to do and not things he would want to do for me?

Fake, or not? This is one of those borderline comments. Even if it is comment spam, the question is at least relevant.

First, FemDoms may use a book of instructions but there is no guarantee we will follow them.

That’s the difference between being a FemDom (I prefer Domme) or a paid sex worker. Your rules – your way, mostly. Of course, you don’t set fire to him or anything extreme you may do in a fit of anger and regret later. You also take his wishes into account.

Dirty talk is a fetish. Do you like it? If so, try it out in reality and see if both of you like it. Maybe it sounded, or looked, good in pornography but doesn’t work out so well in actuality. I don’t really like dirty talk. I’d have more fun coming up with punishments for a dirty talker than being a dirty talker. But, I would not encourage dirty talk just for the sake of getting “punishment”.

When I think punishment, it is not in quotation marks. It’s real, it’s not all that pleasant or enjoyable. Punishment does not have to be something awful, painful or extreme. The best punishments are something he doesn’t like, would rather avoid but isn’t allergic to. This is where you need to know your boy, his likes and dislikes. What makes him squirm, twitch or need to be rushed to the hospital?

Secondly, what doesn’t he want to do for you?

Why doesn’t he want to do it? Does he have a good, valid and acceptable reason? Pour yourself a nice glass of wine (or coffee in my case as I don’t care for wine that much). Leave your boy to write out a list of reasons why he won’t do what you want him to do. Ask for at least 50 reasons, or however long it takes for you to enjoy that glass of wine without having to share any.

On the other hand, what do you want him to do?

Have a list of your own, prepare ahead.

  • Learn how to give a manicure and pedicure and then pamper you once he has mastered the skills and bought the right colours of nail polish?
  • Clean kitchen, garage, bathroom and muck out the inside of the oven until it sparkles to your satisfaction?
  • Make dinner (from your menu choices), clean up and then become your chauffeur for a night out with the girls?
  • Be your silent, unmoving, foot stool while you watch the TV shows he usually whines about having to watch with you?
  • Polish and wax your car and perform minor repairs, oil changes, etc?

The list is as endless as you want it to be. If he doesn’t want to do something he needs to give good reasons for it. He isn’t running the show – that’s the point of Dom versus sub. Pleasing him isn’t going to work unless you (the Domme) are pleased as well.

So you need to know what pleases you. It may have nothing to do with sex, fetishes or being kinky. Or, cater his kinky desires to your own needs, wants and desires. If he wants to perform domestic service – give him an apron. If he wants to be humiliated – shine a spotlight on him and you don’t even need to say a word. If he wants to sniff your feet – give him your shoes and boots to clean and polish first (no spit shine!).

Do you want to see him squirm? Do you want to tease him? Then play with him but in your own way. What would be fun for you? Make it last. Torment him. Tease him and keep him guessing. Make sure it doesn’t get monotonous for you though. Toss in a few surprises along the way. Or just end things when you’ve had enough. Choose how things end for him and yourself. Do you want an orgasm? Should he be allowed to have a “happy ending”? You, the Domme, decides.

Beginners Guide for Becoming a Male Submissive

The BDSM experience is different for men and women, in several ways. Women are more careful about meeting men. Women may be looking for romance and affection, a relationship while men really just want sex. Women tend to get pushed into things they really don’t want to do, in order to keep the peace.

I often read people (men) claiming women into Domming are rare. In my experience this is not true. I encounter many women who would enjoy Domming men, if they could find one who meets their needs.


Being a male submissive may not be what you think it is at all

There are very few men who understand what a Dom woman is looking for, what she actually wants. She does not want to be the Dom you see in pornography. If you are looking for a woman to fulfill all your porno fantasies of what male submission should be… pay for it. Professional sex workers will dress the part and read from whatever script you want, do it your way (as long as safety is considered) and give you what you want as you expect to have it.

Real women who Dom, just because they want to, will want to do things their own way. Real women Doms have their own fantasies, their own desires and plans for play, teasing, romance, seduction, torment and all their own fetishes and kinks. They will want you to please them and that may not include any of the fetishes and kinks you have been fantasizing about.

A real woman may not want a man slobbering on her shoes or expecting to wear her underwear, for instance.  Some women may like the idea of training men to submit while others think they should already be house broken.

Worship and begging may not appeal to her. For myself, both of these are a turn off. The real appeal of having a male submissive is that he be a man, strong, clever, manly and yet my submissive. Retain your dignity and be a male submissive worth having and keeping.

Before you Begin…

Decide if you actually want the reality.

Do you want a woman telling you what to do? Are you willing to be disappointed when she isn’t interested in doing what you want, the way you want it? Will you let her lead or will you try to pressure her into giving you what you want instead?

Do not manipulate your Dom. Yes, it is fun to have the erotic play of teasing, denial, struggling and so on… but it should be sincerely part of the fun and not “topping from the bottom”. Two people sincerely invested in D/s can have a lot of fun, pleasure and explorations. If you top from the bottom (manipulate your Dom) you cheat yourself from ever having the real experience of submitting, serving and discovering the pleasure of being a male submissive in reality.

Also, no Dom woman likes to be manipulated. We get this from almost every so-called male sub on dating sites and etc. It is very discouraging. If you wonder why there are so few women into Domming – this would be the number one reason.

If you can’t let go of your expectations then consider paying for what you want and getting it from a McDomme (paid to do it your way).

What are you really willing to do?

Too many men have a list of fetish and kink ideas but no thoughts about the reality. This is especially a bad idea when it comes to health and safety. There are several things which will sound good on paper or turn you on when you watch a video… but reality is not like that. Reality is messier, reality is less planned and professional, less perfect and reality has accidents and misunderstandings.

Never say you are willing to do anything/ everything. Because you aren’t. No one is – unless it’s make believe and pretend.

Read about the reality of your fetishes and kinks. Instead of watching the porn find someone who really has done it and read about their experience. What went wrong, what didn’t work and how did they learn to do it better or another way. Research the reality. Even if you have no experience you can read the experience of others (just not the porn version).

Consider safety and be practical about it

If you have issues such as allergies, a phobia, dislikes put together a list of these issues. Personally, I don’t like having something close around my neck or mouth because I grew up with asthma. I’m also allergic to animals which limits the places and people I can spend time with to some extent. These are things to be aware of, for yourself and the woman Dom you would like to meet.

Although safety and health are more up to the Dom in a D/s relationship you can’t expect her to know your needs, read your mind or use telepathy to know there is a problem.

Safe words are not that reliable. If there is a real problem, something sudden, you need communication which won’t be forgotten in the moment or confused with something else.  A direct safe word, like stop, is better than trying for some secret code you may not remember when you need it. If you use the safe word for effect rather than actually needing it the play stops anyway. Respect the safe word – it’s not a game.

Communicate and talk about anything you plan to do. Start simple and leave yourself room to back out or change the plan. you may think you want to start with the hard stuff but discover your feelings were far more involved when it was actually happening. It is possible to discover you  have a phobia or intense dislike you didn’t know you had until you tried something. This can be especially true with bondage. Actually being confined is not just as you imagine it to be. Explore and experiment with baby steps and savour the experiences as you go.

Submission is not a gift

Years ago the idea that submission is a gift started in the online BDSM groups. This is not the right attitude. Domination is just as much a gift, if you want to consider either of them a gift at all.

You have chosen to submit and your Dom has chosen to lead you, to control you and to own you (up to a point). She is not likely to want to micro-manage you. Being the Dom is a responsibility. It’s not easy and it is not something to take lightly. People can get hurt physically, mentally and emotionally. Both of you need to communicate to prevent problems. The gift is the relationship itself, when you can find it.

Explore and discover

  • Try blindfolding yourself in your own bed. How does it feel? Does the blindfold itch? Do you feel peaceful?
  • Sit on your hands next time you’re alone watching TV. How long can you keep yourself in this self-bondage? How uncomfortable is it?
  • Sit under a table, let it become your cage. Does the confinement bother you? Do you feel snugly caged or just trapped?
  • Try being naked when you are home alone. With the blinds or curtains closed stand naked in front of the window. Even knowing no one can see you do you get a thrill or can you not even do it at all?
  • Buy a dog collar for yourself. No one has to know you don’t have a dog (or your dog won’t be wearing this one). Wear the collar but wrap it around your wrist the first day (not your neck).
  • Even before you have a Dom you can practice serving her tea. Dress up (she doesn’t want pubic hair in her tea cup), make a plate up with pretty treats and serve tea in a teapot with a fancy teacup and saucer for her.

The reality is much different from the fantasy. Reality isn’t the porn version because it’s not scripted and the people are not actors. However, you can actually be one of the people involved rather than watching and wishing from the sidelines. Just make sure you want the reality, imperfect but not impersonal.

Loyalty from Sex Workers

Why do men expect/ want loyalty from sex workers?

I had heard of the idea at some point but it didn’t catch my attention until last week. I was having a talk with Gracie (from Sex Kitten) about another site and problems with phone sex men. Gracie likes phone sex men. But, Gracie is a professional and liking them is something she chooses to do. It’s also something she gets paid for.

buy sex work

What loyalty does a paid sex worker owe to a client?

How long should any loyalty last?

Should she only be loyal to the clients who pay extra for it?

Of course, there is the question of which man she should be loyal to first? What if the sex worker goes home and becomes a wife, friend with benefits or girlfriend and considers her loyalty to her clients null and void?

Does any of this occur to the men who hire sex workers, including phone sex and anyone else they pay for sexual favours?

To me it seems a self centred thing. But, worse it is likely to leave these men disillusioned.

In short, if you pay for sex you get what you pay for and not more than that. You don’t pay by the minute and get a whole lot of loyalty.

Addendum: Read Gracie’s reply to this post.

We are Women Not Unpaid Sex Workers

I don’t share well. I am not interested bisexual or married men. Not looking for the cheating on your wife experience. Not looking for the cougar experience. Not looking for the long distance or online sex experience. Not looking for casual sex or play experience. Not looking for someone to serve me as my sissy, sex slave or anything else they assume I want. Not looking for selfish submissive men, at all.

It greatly annoys me that women on Fetlife have to write all this (see above) and then still get notes from men who have not read it or choose to ignore it. I should be able to just write a nice, meaningful, somewhat spiritual or even flowery profile. But, I have long since given up on that. Instead I write a list of conditions which I should not have to write at all.

Dear all you walking dickhead men, assume we don’t want you and work from there. Instead of assuming every female on here is just here because they can’t wait to service your sexual needs assume the opposite – we don’t want to provide you with free sex services. We are women, not unpaid sex workers.

I updated my Fetlife profile. Not really an update, more like an upgrade. I wish I could write a real profile. I have read some very good ones, telling so much about the person and their experiences and adventures in life. But, I haven’t written that kind of profile for any dating site in many years. There seems no real point. The men I hear from have not read it, or have decided they are the exception and I will want them because all women online are sluts. Or something like that.

There must be some men who do read it and then choose not to write. I’m optimistic enough to believe that.

Middle Aged Virgins are Real People Too

You’re Not the Only One

What’s so terrible about being a virgin that people feel ashamed of it and think they have to get rid of their virginity?

If you are a middle aged or adult virgin, you aren’t alone.

The general stereotype is to think any one still a virgin after age 30 or even 40 and beyond

  • must hate the opposite sex,
  • be very frigid or have sexual hang ups,
  • be very religious,
  • be gay or
  • be so ugly no one will touch them.

It doesn’t occur to people that some middle aged people just haven’t found anyone that interesting, attractive or desireable.

I was a virgin (not having sex with anyone) until the age of 32. My boyfriend and I were both virgins (we were the same age too). I would not trade my first experience for any of the younger, fumbling and painful sex my friends had as younger women. Having sex at the age of 32 with another older virgin was the best intercourse I have ever had. It was intense. Not because I wanted the sex, there was no desperation, but because my body was worshipped, explored and discovered. We knew each other, had become friends before becoming lovers and we both wanted to enjoy the experience. The pace was leisurely. We took our time, we talked and we found out everything about touching each other. I didn’t have an orgasm, that happened later, after we were together a few times. That first time we indulged ourselves and it was fantastic.

But, I had already taken my own virginity, as far as the actual penetration. If I had not, that first time together would have been less romantic, by far.

Being the first for your partner is hot, especially when you are a woman. (At least from my point of view). We married later, and divorced. I’ve had a few boyfriends in the years since – but have not been physically intimate with more than one of them. I still think of sex as something I choose to share, not something I need to share. That’s the big difference for me. I don’t want scratch an itch, I want to share an erotic, romantic and sensual experience with someone who cares about me. I don’t settle for less. That’s why I was never in a race to lose my virginity. It wasn’t about being a virgin, it was about being selective.

Virginity as a Fetish

It’s ironic that the very act of keeping your virginity turns you into a fetish. When men know a young woman is a virgin she becomes desirable. They want to take away the very thing they lust for. This was my experience as a young woman, a virgin.

Let’s be clear, the men don’t desire you as a woman, a person or someone they could really get to know, fall in love with and build a life together. No, all they want is sex.

On the Internet men would be turned on by my virginity and they would offer to have sex with me. Some offered to teach me, take me under their wing. They promised they were really ‘good’ sexually and would make sure the experience was ‘good’ for me too.

They couldn’t grasp the concept that I was a virgin by choice. I wasn’t feeling a pressing need to stop being a virgin for the sake of not being a virgin. Being a virgin wasn’t a disease I needed to cure, it just meant I wasn’t getting screwed.

I don’t know how the experience is for young men who don’t begin having sex right away. For me it was a mass of contradictions and my parents did not help. My Mother was not uptight about it. She left it up to me. But, as I became older and still wasn’t with any guy, she wondered why I wasn’t. My Father never bothered to talk to me about anything but I knew he expected his daughters to be “good girls”.

Friends, who were dealing with the same issues were more approachable, insightful and gave me real perspective. Most of my friends were virgins through high school. But a few had boyfriends they were having sex with. None of them went into detail about their first experiences. I know now they just didn’t want to be alarming about the pain and the disappointment. For a woman, losing her virginity is no picnic. It hurts! It hurts a lot. It doesn’t matter what kind of preparation you do. Don’t believe the romance novels! Having sex for the first time feels like you’ve just had a blunt object forced into your body. Oddly enough, that’s what it is.

I lost my virginity, the actual act of being penetrated, by myself. I bought a sex toy and late at night, when I was alone and fairly relaxed, I used it. There was pain. There was pain, not just at the point of insertion but all the way up inside. I did not see much blood however. The second time I did it, weeks later, there was less pain.

So there is the virginity losing reality, for women. It hurts, it’s not romantic and fun or easy.

Don’t give in to pressure to lose your virginity. Don’t sleep with some guy who just wants to screw you or pop your cherry. Think about how you will feel the next day when you are alone and he isn’t returning your phone call. (He got what he wanted).

Save your first time for someone who really will appreciate you, not just your virginity, but YOU. You are more than a cherry to be popped.

Why Are People Desperate for Sex?

I’m not pushing religion and saving your virginity for marriage. I’m suggesting, we have a choice and not having sex is not an unhealthy choice. Sex isn’t everything. We get sold into having sex before we are even into puberty. Everyone seems to have sex. Everyone seems to be having sex several times a week.

If you haven’t slept with someone in the past week you must be desperate to have sex. That’s nonsense. We are human beings not insects who only have one year to live, reproduce and then die.

When did people become so desperate and needy when it comes to sex? Who says we have to live that way?

Virgin Anatomy


I was a Middle Aged Virgin…

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