Divorce Aftermath

When I started this site I was thinking less of sex and BDSM and far more about myself, recovering from divorcing the man who had become my best friend (long before we were married). I wrote an introduction to the site and left everything there as far as talking about divorce. But, I think, people need to talk about it more and share their own experiences as they pull themselves along in life.

As an update, I’m now older and wiser, all of 50 years of living. The divorce was over ten years ago, coming up to 15 years since I last spent time with my ex-husband in the same physical space and time. But, we talk online. Kind of ironic because we met as penpals, writing letters back and forth through the mail before the Internet evolved. I guess we are back to that, older and wiser and still connected in that way.

I’ve Become Super Noob

I started writing as Super Noob on Lindsay’s blog, Web Design for Idiots. Tonight I wrote the following as an introduction to who I am and why I’m someone who might have a reason to be writing there.

I’m posting this from my very messy desk with the TV on to my left and my nearly cold coffee at my right hand, in danger of wrecking my faithful little scanner. I’m a real woman. I’m a real, live, 40+, divorced Canadian woman, a writing legend in my own mind.

In June of 1996 I began on the Internet. I was an IRC diva for quite a long time. It was a lot of fun and most of it I really should not write about here. That’s what personal blogs are all about. I wrote for a zine first, a small print publication called The Crying Clown. From there it was all online. At one point I was producing my own newsletter for writers, InkSplatters, sent out through what is now Yahoo Groups. I was a web writer for HerPlanet, BackWash, BellaOnline, Suite 101, WZ-ard.com and other sites, forums and newsletters some still living and some not. I still write for Creative Fat Grrl on LockerGnome, a babbly blog more than anything seriously functional. Writing for a network is a different educational experience than writing for yourself. Which is one reason I keep doing it.

I’ve had sites and then blogs of my own. I didn’t begin online in the great time of blogging, I was here before that. So my first sites were put together with just HTML code as I learned and goofed it up. I’ve used software and I’ve cut and pasted code and I’ve hand coded my own pages. I’m not an expert, time alone isn’t enough to make you an expert at web design or development. I have learned however and as I learn I see how much more there is to be explored and discovered. But, don’t look to me expecting I’m a know-it-all. If I ever say that you can be sure I’m just laughing at myself.

I love creative things. I’ve done so many interesting forms of art, just to try them out. I made ASCII art for a few years. I continue to take digital photos of abandoned places here in Ontario, starting in 2006 when I bought my first digi camera. I’m also teaching myself to draw cartoons, some people even like them! This week I re-learned the art of cutting out paper doll chains so I could make them into a graphic for a blog. I really think it’s important to keep the creativity and free writing in blogging. It would be a real shame if the personal journal and creative element of blogging were lost in the rush for SEO and money making.

Anyway, I’m here to help the less experienced blogger with my experiences. I’ve got a stack of great books about web design on my bookshelf and I will be using them (finally) for more than a place to hide my dust bunnies. I seem to collect books with great good intentions and then not get very far. You can also find me writing about web writing and posting writing ideas and prompts on my blog, Word Grrls.

ThatGrrl.ca

Completely off topic… did you know that a nail file works really well if you have an itchy spot on your back that you just can’t reach? I’ve been rubbing my back on my chair tonight wishing for something to work. Then I had the great idea for the nail file (not one of those treacherous metal ones, just some cardboard type) and that worked great!

Another Social Media Thing

I’ve been using Scoop.it for awhile. This is my second account. I used to have more topics, but when I started my second account (again, not keeping two accounts), there were even more limits on free accounts. Now it isn’t even working that well. At this point I’m probably doing more for their traffic than they do for mine. Not that I’m getting huge traffic and not that they particularly gear the site for sexual or adult topics either. Is it worth keeping?

I do like having a place to post links, beyond this site where I can’t just post the link and leave it. I like posting links for people to find and read more if they have an interest. But, if it’s on my site I have to add some kind of commentary, grab an image (usually) and add the link to the source. One of the things I like about using Scoop.it is the software which does that for me.

Also, I like using the search to see what else is suggested for my topic. I can’t find something like that which I can run myself, self-hosted especially. I would prefer not to use a web service, they can disappear or change without notice or approval.

So, staying with Scoop.it in particular is becoming less ideal for me. I could get a business (premium) account but… that makes so little practical sense considering my budget of zilch.

One other feature of Scoop.it is auto posting to social media. I’ve never been a complete fan of that. But, I don’t mind it so much since it only posts once and I forget to do it myself.

I will watch for an alternative but, I wonder if life would be simpler without it. Do I use it mainly for myself and the idea of generating traffic or do I really like sharing links this way? Would it be just as simple to create a feed of links in my own sidebar here and auto share posts with a plugin? I would miss the suggested content but, the reason I started writing this was the break down in that feature. It used to be much better. Possibly, they (Scoop.it) has limited that more than before as well. Tonight, it was especially not useful, and hasn’t been for several weeks.

So… more choices and more changes.

Intolerance is the New Black

Intolerance is black. Not black and white and no room at all for shades of grey. Intolerance is a dictatorship.

To me it seems intolerance has become more important than respect, love or anything else. If you read the intolerance manual you would believe it was my generation and those before us who were intolerant, bigots, and so on. But, that isn’t true. We may have been racist, but we were not intolerant. We had black, white, shades of grey, men, women, old and young.

Now there is just one way everything is allowed to be and everyone must stick to the right rules. I see only black, there can be no exception. Any feelings or thoughts (and certainly any actions!) to the contrary will not be tolerated. Even those you love will choose the rules over you. Don’t get in the way, don’t have any other opinion and don’t complain.

Writing this, this morning, I wonder how people have gotten this way.

I have tolerance. I’m sad, I’m angry and I’m disappointed but I am not throwing rocks at anyone. I am not insisting on having my way or ignoring someone else who does not agree with me. I am tolerating someone who ignored my beliefs, my feelings and everything I am. I am not throwing anyone out, or under a bus. I am not screaming, hurting someone else, or insisting on a boycott. I am not using social media to gather others to my witch hunt.

I am of the generation who believe in human rights, including the human right to be human. Being human means everyone is entitled to be imperfect. Being human I expect people to not have all the same thoughts, feelings, culture or experiences. I like to explore other cultures and experiences. I like knowing there are people who disagree with me but listen to how I think and care enough to tolerate me when I feel or think differently.

You have to be entitled to be so firmly intolerant.

Today people have a feeling of entitlement they say. I have seen this in the younger generation, but not just there. The feeling of entitlement is part of the blackness of intolerance. I think it backs it up, keeps it from letting in any of those other colours. You have to be entitled in order to be so firmly intolerant.

Where did we lose the idea that it is ok to say no and have that respected? Of course, you can say no to the acceptable things: rape, bullying, racism, homophobia and transphobia. To a much smaller extent you can still say no to religious discrimination and a few other, older and less popular in the media discriminations we are still allowed to say no to. Racism is not tolerated, if you are black. If you are any other race, culture or colour, you will need to have tolerance. I’m not sure why. Why are some causes supported so fervently and others almost forgotten and ignored? Why do only some people matter?

We have lost the right to respectfully disagree.

I wish people could remember, or care, or respect the fact that we do not all agree. We do not all have to agree. But, with intolerance there is no right to respectfully disagree. I respectfully disagreed but I was not respectfully tolerated, instead I faced the intolerance and being family, years of love, respect and everything else could not overcome the intolerance which is held up like a solid, black wall, higher and thicker than any human being can ever hope to come across, or around.

I am sad and sad is grey, not black.

Women are Out of Fashion

One huge benefit to using males as female models… no one will ask them to cover their nipples.

What do you think of men walking down the runway in women’s clothing? Doesn’t sound so far fetched these days, and it isn’t. The funny thing is how well it actually works.

Men have a skinnier shape, more like a clothes rack. If he does put on a little weight, he can lose weight faster and easier than women anyway. Men tend to be taller too.

Men don’t menstruate or get pregnant. Less missed days at work. Less risk of leakage on clothes, bloating, mood swings, or any other side effects from the monthly visitor.

Men still get paid more than women so selling women’s fashions to crossdressing or transgender people makes good business sense too. Although they may have to lower their prices because everyone knows women pay more for clothes, hair cuts, etc., than men.

Looks like we are out of fashion, ladies!

In the performing arts men were playing women’s roles in theatre long before Shakespeare was still writing plays. I guess all those skinny women will have to find a man to support them (and his children).

Don’t think I’m posting this as a feminism thing. It is and yet it isn’t really about feminism. This is so much a reflection of our culture and the changes it has been going through. Where is it going and how will things continue to evolve? How strange would it be if women became second class citizens useful for baby-making, cooking and cleaning?  There is a great science fiction story in there…

Maison Margiela SS16

Despite the event being a womenswear show, that gang included not just girls but guys – although, dressed in the same slinky, skin-exposing jumpsuits and jackets as their female counterparts, their presence went…

Source: Meet the boys leading Margiela’s gender revolution

What’s in a Name for Sex Writers?

Of course I use a pen-name with this blog. I don’t feel the need to change that. Any time I do consider using my name I remember the feeling of having someone recognize in public and expect me to be who they thought I was. This blog is personal but it is not everything I am. I’m a quiet person, not so much private, but quiet. I don’t enjoy talking about sex and focusing on sex exclusively. I am interested in so much beyond what you read here. But, this is what it is and where it is. It’s a limited edition, literally.

Should you use an erotica pen-name? Or should you create a new writing persona for your erotica?

Source: Erotica pen-names; should you lie to your readers?

To Ignore or Not to Ignore…

Guys, you are not entitled to a response. We don’t even know you. We’re not trying to be rude, we are just trying to be efficient and to protect ourselves from immature, unwarranted insults.

Source: I Responded To Everyone Who Messaged Me On OkCupid and Here’s What Happened | Single Girl Blogging

 

I noticed that men who had written a longer note tended to be upset/ angrier when she was not interested. This is interesting to me because I tend to put time into writing a note if I’m interested in a man online. I try to appreciate the directness when someone isn’t interested back, it’s not easy.

But, I do get annoyed with men who send notes without actually reading my profile to know who I am and then get pissy when I’m not interested.

Overall it’s better to send a note back I think. We used to have auto scripts we could post on IRC. That could be an idea dating sites and forums should start using. A quick auto reply would give a response rather than leaving people feel ignored. How they deal with a negative response is up to them. Hope they can handle it with some maturity and grace.

Adult, Sex and BDSM Artists on Patreon

Patreon is a network for artists: musicians, podcasters, video makers, bloggers, game makers, writers, photographers, cartoonists, pretty much anything you can put into a digital file and share online.

The idea is for artists to display what they create and get sponsors/ patrons to enable them to keep working on their creations. Anyone can get an account on Patreon and choose to give financial support to the artists with a monthly amount based on how much they want to spend and how often the artist creates new art. Read more about it all on Patreon. I’m not explaining it as well as the founder and staff do.

I thought I would find more adult artists on Patreon. So far, just these:

Expecting the Male Submissive to Behave Like One

There is a difference between trying to make people do things and expecting people to do things.

What makes a woman a good Domme… expecting him to be submissive. Not forcing or pushing or making him behave, just expecting it.

He wants this. He wants to be dominated, put in his place and he expects you to do it.

You want the power of having him in his place. (At least that’s how it feels to me). But, the more energy you put into keeping him there with force, aggression or threats – the less in control you feel. It also wears you down. I don’t like men who complain about women nagging. But, I understand how it happens. Men don’t comply with what she wants. So she asks again. Maybe she pushes more the next time. It carries on from there. As long as she continues to ask for what she wants he will consider her to be nagging.

No woman wants to be seen as a nag.

So break the pattern. Stop asking him a second time. Stop demanding, stop trying to make him do things. Expect it. Ask or explain what you want, once. Just once. Afterwards, expect him to do it.

I’m not writing about not communicating and thinking he will have some psychic power to know what you want.

I do know that you can communicate without being pushy, without speaking a word. In the case of being a BDSM Domme you have the extra edge of punishment too. Don’t forget that element. He didn’t behave, he didn’t accomplish a task, etc. – punish him. You don’t need to put a lot of energy into it. Don’t explain and talk about it all as if he were a small child.

Just tell him he failed to perform as expected. That’s not acceptable. Now his punishment will be…

No screaming, yelling or fighting required. Remember, this BDSM submission is what he wants. Remind him of that, once, should he complain or forget his place.

Next time you want something done… Expect it to be done right and make the punishment something you could enjoy or benefit from if he fails to meet your expectations.

Don’t be petty or small minded and demand he serve his punishment with a smile. Instead, smile yourself, knowing you got what you wanted without screaming, nagging or feeling like a bitch.

Being a Domme isn’t about keeping in character. It’s about enjoying your submissive man. Don’t let him forget it!