Freedom, Anarchy and the Absurd

The New Escapologist – Sounds like the kind of site I’d like.

New Escapologist is a magazine for white-collar functionaries with escape on the brain. We offer practical exit strategies from demeaning day jobs and celebrate the ‘flight’ bit of ‘fight or flight’.

Each issue is a compendium of funny and practical essays on the subject of escape, through the lenses of economics, travel, psychology, philosophy and the arts. We promote freedom, anarchy and the absurd.

Bad Faith
Cottage Industry
Surreal Humour
Testimony of Simplicity
Voluntary Simplicity



Facebook Horoscope for Today

You are thinking about the deep mysteries of life, the world, and everything. You may be turning to the older members of your family or community for advice and insight, because you are feeling confused about your personal, social or cultural values.

Even the Facebook application knows I am wandering through the deep, thick woods of my own brain these days. I have become entangled in Facebook games, far too many of them and far too many hours spent there. Although, half of the time spent is just waiting for the games to load or move from one screen to the next (which is also loading in the technical sense).

This is what I wrote in my Facebook status just now:

It’s a bit gross how much of these Facebook games I am playing lately. I used to see real stuff on my profile here. Now it is all game spam. I need a change. I need a break. I need a lot of things and the only one who can do anything about it is me.

Yet, I will be there tomorrow, feeding the llamas, picking the cherries, scaring the bear, etc. I need a new obsession.

Measuring the Broken Bits

From all the many things my Dad used to say about me I ended up believing I am broken in some way. I’ve wondered what it was that is so wrong with me that causes me to have so many problems and become all the things he accused me of being long before I was even in high school. I’m going to be 45 this December. So it has been a long time since those days. My Dad died a few years ago even.

It was only yesterday that I finally did wonder if I ever really was broken at all. I’ve felt there was something elementally wrong with me for so long. Never understanding what it was or how I could do anything to fix it. I’ve looked for answers. I thought it must be my problem and did not want to talk about it.

I’ve given up on so many things cause I believed once something went wrong that it was just my damage catching up again. I never believed in myself to really give myself a chance to succeed. Being broken I was doomed to fail somewhere along the way. I did keep trying things though. But, it wouldn’t be long before I would know I had done as much as a broken person like myself could ever manage.

Dad said a lot of things to me about who I am, what I look like and what I could expect to become. He told me I was fat and ugly and scarred when I was not even chubby and just a child with a little exema. I’ve seen photos of myself and I know I was none of those things then, I was pretty but I just couldn’t see that when I had him insisting I was hideous.

Dad told me no one would ever want me. So, I was happy when I married Todd, my friend. Then, I went into kind of shock when we divorced and yet, I could only watch from the sidelines too as Dad was proven right again. Trying to date never worked out for me. I can see now that I probably put people off because I felt so down on myself, so unworthy of anyone and so unsure about even trying to find someone when I was broken anyway.

All those years of believing I was broken. I still have not shaken it off but I’m peeling off the edges, like a sticker on a tomato. The tomato is so much more than the sticker but who would want to find a sticker on the tomato in their salad.

I still don’t really know where to go from here, with this new idea. Not even strong enough to label it knowlege yet. I have not told anyone. Just wanted to take some time to clear it through my own brain and write it here. To think it over a bit more as I type.

So much wasted time. Here I am nearing 45 and I really wanted to have a family of my own and children. Mostly the children and yet the person to spend your adult life with (if you can find someone you want to be with) is invaluable. I am not likely to have that now. Women my size and age are not in high demand and I’m still that damaged person,who needs to stop feeling unworthy and different in a not great way. I went through 2 decades of my life barely speaking to anyone. It left me quiet (which you would not know if you have only met me online).

Anyway, putting this here like a time capsule. A blog, if you keep it long enough, is a great way to measure your life.

Would you Like a Cheshire Cat/ Dragon?

Well, once again we’ve come to the time to blab.

Tonight my brain is tired. My best thought is that the Cheshire Cat from Alice in Wonderland is like a cross between a cat and a dragon. I think the Cheshire Cat would be my best choice as a pet, other than a goldfish swimming outdoors in a pond. You just can’t go wrong with either of those. They don’t really need anything from you/ me in this case. With the Cheshire Cat however, you have the added bonus of a creature that lives to cause trouble and be generally irritating in a good, even helpful way. You just can’t find any other pet that enjoys tormenting you. Try to beat that with some drooling, slobbery dog that wants you to pick up it’s poop.

I am tempted to play Maple Story now. Zack and I were playing it often this week while he was here. But, my brain really does think it should sleep. Silly brain.

This Blog is Massively Under Construction, Yet Again

At least this time all my widgets aren’t lost. Kind of nice not to have to do those all over again.

I will be fixing the footer, the header, some code missing for the sidebar and the background. I thought I would do it tonight but time is catching up with me and I’m getting too sleepy to be sharp enough to use my brain for looking at CSS code.

I want to use the background as my main layout. Not sure how to describe the plan. But there is a plan. Really.

Update: I have been away a day longer than I was expecting. Just got back tonight. Some good photos but couldn’t do anything with the layout. Will be online tomorrow. Too tired to do more than check email tonight.