The Alien at 50

In our culture it is very alienating to be 50. That age where it hits you that you may not even be middle aged now. Being young, from childhood to somewhere in the 30’s was such a different perspective. I didn’t see it then but I can see it now. Being in my 40’s was (so far) the best time of life for me. I felt ok and even good sometimes. I felt I was ok with myself.

Then, among the years I should have been 40-something, 50 hit me. It came down hard and clouded everything. Even when I could have been happy being 40-something that 50 hung over me, hovering like my personal rain cloud of doom.

In younger years I had read about actresses and such who said there were no roles for older women. I thought little of it. I could see older women in TV shows, movies, commercials, etc. Likely they were in theatre too if I cared to look.

But, the actresses said it wrong. It’s not that there aren’t roles for older women. It’s that there are so MANY roles for younger women, younger people.

Our culture is based on youth. Not just being young and looking it, but the parts of life which come in those younger years (traditionally): going to school, dating, marrying and having children. When I watch anything on TV now I am swarmed with the feeling of how much I don’t belong. How far I am past those parts of life. I don’t want to go back. I just want to be ok with where I am. But, it’s hard.

It’s hard to feel ok with being older when it seems we don’t exist, are expected to keep to ourselves and not be seen or heard. Unless it’s something to do with spending money like buying insurance, buying sedate vacations, buying pee pads (not for your period, whether you still get it or not).

I feel alienated in my own world. I don’t see where I fit in. I can talk to the younger generations. I don’t know their particulars any more: the music, the actors, etc. But, those are just entertainment. I know about life, having come through those younger years. But all my experience and knowledge is tainted by how younger people see me. I’m old. I don’t know the entertainment stuff so I’m relegated to being outdated, out of place and I don’t really understand how things are today.

Odd, but things aren’t all that different. People are born, go to school, try to get along in the world, get married, have babies (or not) and then…. it’s the long stretch of being there, but not getting in the way, until you’re finally as old as you feel.

I don’t feel old. I feel like me. I feel almost the same as I did when I was twenty. But, those are memories and I know that. No wonder we tend to look at the past more as we fall into the future where we don’t fit in and don’t have a place. In the past we had a place and the world was about us.

Now I’m an alien. Just because I’m 50.

If it weren’t for the perception of others (and my own awareness of time limits) I could believe I’m twenty. Young people expect being older to feel so different. It’s not. It’s almost exactly the same as feeling twenty. But, I look at those who are twenty and I can see a difference then. There is a shiny new-ness, an extra bounce and they’re just a bit quicker to laugh.

So maybe we do become an alien as we get older. Where is the mothership then? I’d like to find the other aliens and feel I belong again. I don’t like this feeling of being isolated among all the people I see every day.

The other thing I don’t like to think about is to look past myself and see those older than I am. Right now I may not feel I belong and I may feel like an alien… they look more alien. I worry about how I will still feel like myself when I start to look even less like myself and more alien to who I think I am.

Where is that mothership…?

INTJ personality | 16Personalities

INTJ personality | 16Personalities .

intj

Today I’m INTJ. Often it’s either INTP or INFP. Here’s what the site says about INTJ:

INTJ PERSONALITY

It’s lonely at the top, and being one of the rarest and most strategically capable personality types, INTJs know this all too well. INTJs form just two percent of the population, and women of this personality type are especially rare, forming just 0.8% of the population – it is often a challenge for them to find like-minded individuals who are able to keep up with their relentless intellectualism and chess-like maneuvering. People with the INTJ personality type are imaginative yet decisive, ambitious yet private, amazingly curious, but they do not squander their energy.

Continue…

Anne of Green Gables at Christmas

L. M. Montgomery can’t be here to wish everyone a Merry Christmas, Seasons Greetings or Happy Holidays. But, Anne of Green Gables continues to bring us kindred and Christmas spirits in this book of Christmas stories. Anne is not in every story, the book is a collection of short stories in the Christmas theme, all written by L. M. Montgomery, two of them are taken from the Anne of Green Gables series.

I have loved Anne of Green Gables since I read the first book as a little girl. Every book in the series continues the story of Anne. Starting as an orphan sent to the wrong home. Then going to school and meeting her best friend, Diana and her nemesis (at the time) Gilbert Blythe. Later Anne and Gilbert marry and have children and a home again at Green Gables. But, it is a long journey from her early days as an orphan beloved by the old brother and sister, Matthew and Marilla.

L.M. Montgomery wrote more than the Anne of Green Gables books. This Christmas collection gives a glimpse of her other characters and stories. Each of the stories can be read by children or adults but Lucy Maud did write some stories for adults, people already grown up and facing the world and life as an adult. I hope more of her grown up stories get into reprints.

One thing I always like about reading classic stories is the history taken from life at the time. Not imagined or recreated but actually lived. Life before computers and technology. When cars were new and phones were not something you carried around in your pocket. More than just technology has changed our modern life, however. Before people had so much less and had to make more of what they needed versus getting it replaced at the store. I like reading about such a different life, written by the woman who lived in those days and that age. Classic books not only give us a story but a record of history and life in the past.

Start the New Year with the whole Anne of Green Gables series.

Our Adventures with the Fiancé Visa (2000 – 2002)

Our Adventures with the Fiancé Visa  was a blog I kept (beginning in about the year 2000 and ending in 2002) while my husband and I were going through the fiancé Visa process. I’m Canadian, he is from the US and now we are divorced and I’m back in Canada and he is still in the US. Anyway, I am keeping these old posts – just moved them to a new location.

Some of these were originally written by my husband, Todd. He wrote his name at the end of the post. I have included them because they were part of the old blog I copied all of this from. Part of the adventure.

Following is the checklist:

  • Petition sent.
  • Medical Appt.
  • Consulate Interview.
  • We’re married.
  • EAD
  • Advanced Parole
  • Fingerprinting

The following are from the CanAm Couples Club where Todd and I have found great advice and support for our adventure.

Note: The CanAm Couples Club was part of Yahoo Groups. I can’t find it (at least not still active) so I am not giving the link.

This list of posts is in reverse order. Start from the bottom if you want to read them chronologically.

The End

Fingerprinting in St Louis

Got the Parole

Got the EAD in Chicago

Chicago INS Office

Re: Needing Patience

Hello CanAm Club

EAD OS?

Seasons Greetings!

Crossed the Border

THE Interview

Re: Leaving for THE interview on Tuesday

Leaving for THE interview on Tuesday

Night Before Rant Part 2

Yet Another Moment of Panic

December 6th, 2000!

Wait for Interview

Between Checklist and Interview

Re: Medical Experience

First NOA Received

Return Receipt Returned!

We’re off and running!

SheDragon in Toronto

ADIT pics

Reading (even skimming it) has made me feel sad. I can still clearly remember all the emotions that went along with this adventure in my life. It didn’t end the way I thought it would, the way I wanted it to or expected. But, I’m still going, having adventures and finding new things to learn and do.

The Polka Dot Door

the polka dot door Do you remember The Polka Dot Door?

The Polka Dot Door was a children’s television show which began in the 1970′s in Ontario, Canada. TV Ontario broadcast the program 1971 to 1993.

Songs and stories and so much more at the Polka Dot Door!

Every show had a man and a woman as hosts and Polkaroo, a life sized polka dotted kangaroo, would appear for a few minutes on almost every show. They played in a play house which had a polka dot door, of course. Educational videos would be shown through one of the polka dots on the door.

The house also included a large indoor space where the hosts would have tea parties and birthdays and everything else. Outdoors I remember the playground with a sandbox and swing set.

I liked the toys: Marigold (a doll), Bear, (a stuffed teddy bear) and Humpty and Dumpty (two stuffed characters with round egg-like bodies) as if they were real but could only talk to the hosts. Often the host would pause, say “What was that Marigold?”, or “Bear says he…” and so on. Usually they would pick up the toy as they carried on a short conversation between the toy, themselves and the children watching the show.

Each show had a theme which would fit into the day of the week:

  • Monday was Treasure Day
  • Tuesday was Dress-Up Day
  • Wednesday was Animal Day
  • Thursday was Imagination Day
  • Friday was Finding-Out Day

Tanya Petrova, a Canadian soft sculpture artist, created Polkaroo.

Later Polka Dot Shorts began as a spin off from the original show. This show featured the toys as life sized soft sculptures having educational adventures.

Marigold the doll

Marigold was my favourite. I tried to find a sewing pattern to make the Marigold doll but did not find anything.  I did find this photo which shows more of her design so I could make a pattern myself.