The Alien at 50

In our culture it is very alienating to be 50. That age where it hits you that you may not even be middle aged now. Being young, from childhood to somewhere in the 30’s was such a different perspective. I didn’t see it then but I can see it now. Being in my 40’s was (so far) the best time of life for me. I felt ok and even good sometimes. I felt I was ok with myself.

Then, among the years I should have been 40-something, 50 hit me. It came down hard and clouded everything. Even when I could have been happy being 40-something that 50 hung over me, hovering like my personal rain cloud of doom.

In younger years I had read about actresses and such who said there were no roles for older women. I thought little of it. I could see older women in TV shows, movies, commercials, etc. Likely they were in theatre too if I cared to look.

But, the actresses said it wrong. It’s not that there aren’t roles for older women. It’s that there are so MANY roles for younger women, younger people.

Our culture is based on youth. Not just being young and looking it, but the parts of life which come in those younger years (traditionally): going to school, dating, marrying and having children. When I watch anything on TV now I am swarmed with the feeling of how much I don’t belong. How far I am past those parts of life. I don’t want to go back. I just want to be ok with where I am. But, it’s hard.

It’s hard to feel ok with being older when it seems we don’t exist, are expected to keep to ourselves and not be seen or heard. Unless it’s something to do with spending money like buying insurance, buying sedate vacations, buying pee pads (not for your period, whether you still get it or not).

I feel alienated in my own world. I don’t see where I fit in. I can talk to the younger generations. I don’t know their particulars any more: the music, the actors, etc. But, those are just entertainment. I know about life, having come through those younger years. But all my experience and knowledge is tainted by how younger people see me. I’m old. I don’t know the entertainment stuff so I’m relegated to being outdated, out of place and I don’t really understand how things are today.

Odd, but things aren’t all that different. People are born, go to school, try to get along in the world, get married, have babies (or not) and then…. it’s the long stretch of being there, but not getting in the way, until you’re finally as old as you feel.

I don’t feel old. I feel like me. I feel almost the same as I did when I was twenty. But, those are memories and I know that. No wonder we tend to look at the past more as we fall into the future where we don’t fit in and don’t have a place. In the past we had a place and the world was about us.

Now I’m an alien. Just because I’m 50.

If it weren’t for the perception of others (and my own awareness of time limits) I could believe I’m twenty. Young people expect being older to feel so different. It’s not. It’s almost exactly the same as feeling twenty. But, I look at those who are twenty and I can see a difference then. There is a shiny new-ness, an extra bounce and they’re just a bit quicker to laugh.

So maybe we do become an alien as we get older. Where is the mothership then? I’d like to find the other aliens and feel I belong again. I don’t like this feeling of being isolated among all the people I see every day.

The other thing I don’t like to think about is to look past myself and see those older than I am. Right now I may not feel I belong and I may feel like an alien… they look more alien. I worry about how I will still feel like myself when I start to look even less like myself and more alien to who I think I am.

Where is that mothership…?

Another Summery Day

It's been awhile since I posted here. I haven't entirely forgotten LiveJournal but I have a few other sites I'm writing for, my own and a couple for a friend. Since the advent of social media, or since social media became something more than a chatty thing, there isn't enough time to fit everything and every site in. 

Today I got reading back to my oldest posts in LiveJournal. I'd forgotten some of the people and places along the way in the past years. I liked remembering some of them. Funny how the guys I was dating who made me feel so bad at the time but now I can really only remember one of them. The only one I actually spent time with in the real world, not just online. Shows how seriously I should have taken all that offline romance. Not seriously at all or in any way. 

I'd like to say I'll post here again but the fact is that I probably won't. I notice a bookmarklet up there, seems new (or new to me). I might add it to my browser and see if I can keep this old site from falling stale again. 

Happy Summer, 

Laura

Changing Him

From The Kay Way:

As I spend time with my younger female friends and hear of their relationships, it occurs to me that generation after generation we fall in love with who we think our mates could be rather than the real man who is standing in front of us. What a shame.

My comment: Very well said. In my case I married a man who said he was in love with me. I did change him. He had been agoraphobic but together we built a life where he was out at a job (which he still has and likes) we had our own apartment, I moved to the US so we could be married all legal and proper for the government. I wanted to be married too but it was not a romantic wedding for sure. After we married he kept changing. He began picking on me and alienating me. We had been friends a long time before he decided he was in love with me. When we divorced it was because he no longer wanted to be married, just over a year after the wedding. He is grateful to me for getting him out of his rut. However, I can’t say things turned out that well from my side of things. I moved back to Ontario with nothing and I felt like nothing too.

Sometimes in a comment on someone’s blog you make a post that gives you some new perspective. I like to save those.

My family still think our marriage could have been saved. I don’t. First, it does take two people to make a marriage work. Second, I never felt so alone as I did when I was living in that one bedroom apartment with him every day. I miss being married, doing things with someone and having fun. But, I’m glad to be out of that too. I felt dead inside when I came back to Ontario again. Everything I had felt happy about being married, working together with him on building our lives and all the pride I had in doing all those things was left in ashes.

It would be nice to say I did the phoenix thing and arose from those ashes. But, I have not. Over ten years later and I am still working on it. Time has helped. Distance, in time and space, has given me perspective.

I wouldn’t say I feel bitter or even angry any longer. I don’t think it’s a regret. Though all the good things are deep in the muck of all the unhappy things. It’s hard to remember them without looking through the glass with all the negative tinting the view.

I don’t do the blame thing very much. I made choices and put myself there. I made choices and took myself out of there too.

I’ve learned more about men from those days and the days after. I’m never going to be a dating diva. But, I do know there are far more important things in picking a man than the shape of his behind or a winning smile or even how well he talks about himself. Those are good things to have learned. It’s a shame learning takes so much time when our time is finite.

Steamy and Dreamy

It’s been a really long time since I had an erotic dream, about ten or more years. People seem to write about sex as if they are doing it daily, depending on what kind of site you are reading. I’m more like a born again virgin. Anyway, I was surprised to have a steamy dream. The man was someone I know but now that I am more awake I can’t remember who he was, just a dim kind of feeling that it was the body and personality of someone I know. Kind of odd.

Of course I don’t remember all the details. But, it started out in the backyard of a house with a long yard. He was doing some kind of work and I brought out liquid refreshment of some kind. We got talking a bit. He somehow mentioned dating and his lack of “friends”. I scoffed and said I had even less friendship of that kind. He was nice and said that was surprising. Then he touched me in a nice, friendly way. I looked at him and smiled or something, can’t think of what happened but we went inside the house and then inside the bed and then he was inside me. It was nice. That kind of comfortable, smooth, cuddly sex where you feel valued, even a little adored.

When I woke up one of my nipples was hard. That is only interesting because I’ve come to think of them as pretty damn lazy these past dozen or so years.

So a good time was had by all. I went back to sleep and the dream continued a bit more, but no sex just talk of doing it again. Probably a good thing I can’t remember who he was. I wonder if it is connected to the fact that the first boy who kissed me died recently. My Mother noticed the obituary in the newspaper, it had a current photo of him. It’s been on my mind a bit since then. We didn’t date or anything remotely like that. I went into his backyard with himself and another boy. I don’t know why other than the fact that he invited me over. I didn’t hang around with the boys in school, I didn’t date or really have much interest in them until a lot later, in high school. But, he pulled me close and kissed me. It was a nice kiss. A surprise. He phoned me a few days later (more or less) invited me to his house again. I didn’t go. I was a whole year younger than everyone in my class and a whole lot behind them on the boy/ girl thing. Anyway, now he’s dead at 45. It said suddenly deceased so it wasn’t that he had cancer I guess.

I guess that is at least part of why I had the dream this morning/ last evening. It was a nice feeling while it lasted, to be close to someone again. I do miss that part of sex. (Be honest, the rest we can do ourselves and likely better anyway).

So that’s my blab for the day. Outside to pick tomatos now.

Applying at LifeTips Network

I’m applying for a topic at LifeTips geared to Single Women.

Keep Romance Alive

Whether or not you’re dating someone special you can enjoy an evening of romance. Cook a nice dinner, set the table with all the trimmings, even candles if you have them or pick some up. Use napkins, add a flowers and a centerpiece on the table, serve wine, just as if you were setting things up like a fancy, glamorous restaurant. If you aren’t dating anyone do it all the same, just for yourself. Treat yourself to a romantic dinner. You’re worth it!

The Grass is Greener…

Keep in touch with married and Mom friends. At times it really is nice to hear how the other shoe fits, how they would like to be single again, not sharing so much of their life, energy and time. Talking to women on the other side of the fence can help you appreciate what you do have at times when you feel you don’t have much.

Skim your Latte

Try your coffee with whipped and/ or heated skim milk instead of cream or whole milk. Milk thickened this way is very low cal and yet will give you as much taste as you have become used to.

Funny Valentine is Faulty

The date tonight was a no show. I had a pretty strong feeling he was going to not show up or cancel (preferred option as I didn’t really NEED to freeze waiting for the bus to and from). But, I showed up cause I had said I would.

I did think he might come. We had been talking about a mutual interest in the paranormal, local history and the old buildings. But, I was there early and waited until quarter after when I had to leave to catch the bus home. (Didn’t really want to spend a half hour waiting for the next one).

On the plus side, I did finish the book I was reading and the coffee I got at the Second Cup was pretty good. Not as good as the caramelo flavour or the latte would have been. I decided to try something else.

Update: It is 3:30 AM and I am at my sister’s house, just finishing the last of my laundry. It has gotten way behind with Sears not getting the new machine working for so long. I am happy to feel clean, warm clothes again, especially when they are my own and not the laundry I have done for my sister’s family here. Anyway, I did hear from my Friday evening date. He was just late. Actually, must have missed me by the barest minute. I left at quarter after. Poked around, taking a few photos of the lights on main street. Then headed up to catch the bus. He got there about 18 minutes after. My coffee cup was still on the table even. So we will try again.

Funny how the same thing happened last week with a different guy. In that case he started talking about sex, sex, sex and sex and when I didn’t have the right answers for him he just forgot I existed. I am sure that is why I decided I was stood up again tonight rather than waiting until tomorrow to be sure. I did check email just before I left Barrie to come out here tonight though. That was about 8:30. So I wasn’t too quick to jump to conclusions. Quick enough maybe, on messy, snowy night. But, I didn’t blow a gasket at least.

I am so tired now. Just need to flip the last load into the dryer. I really hope the dryer from Sears works and that is not the next thing I need to deal with. I want a break. One day without problems I didn’t cause. Really, doesn’t is seem fair that you should only have to deal with the stuff you have messed up yourself? Isn’t that enough?

Nightie night.