Changing Him

From The Kay Way:

As I spend time with my younger female friends and hear of their relationships, it occurs to me that generation after generation we fall in love with who we think our mates could be rather than the real man who is standing in front of us. What a shame.

My comment: Very well said. In my case I married a man who said he was in love with me. I did change him. He had been agoraphobic but together we built a life where he was out at a job (which he still has and likes) we had our own apartment, I moved to the US so we could be married all legal and proper for the government. I wanted to be married too but it was not a romantic wedding for sure. After we married he kept changing. He began picking on me and alienating me. We had been friends a long time before he decided he was in love with me. When we divorced it was because he no longer wanted to be married, just over a year after the wedding. He is grateful to me for getting him out of his rut. However, I can’t say things turned out that well from my side of things. I moved back to Ontario with nothing and I felt like nothing too.

Sometimes in a comment on someone’s blog you make a post that gives you some new perspective. I like to save those.

My family still think our marriage could have been saved. I don’t. First, it does take two people to make a marriage work. Second, I never felt so alone as I did when I was living in that one bedroom apartment with him every day. I miss being married, doing things with someone and having fun. But, I’m glad to be out of that too. I felt dead inside when I came back to Ontario again. Everything I had felt happy about being married, working together with him on building our lives and all the pride I had in doing all those things was left in ashes.

It would be nice to say I did the phoenix thing and arose from those ashes. But, I have not. Over ten years later and I am still working on it. Time has helped. Distance, in time and space, has given me perspective.

I wouldn’t say I feel bitter or even angry any longer. I don’t think it’s a regret. Though all the good things are deep in the muck of all the unhappy things. It’s hard to remember them without looking through the glass with all the negative tinting the view.

I don’t do the blame thing very much. I made choices and put myself there. I made choices and took myself out of there too.

I’ve learned more about men from those days and the days after. I’m never going to be a dating diva. But, I do know there are far more important things in picking a man than the shape of his behind or a winning smile or even how well he talks about himself. Those are good things to have learned. It’s a shame learning takes so much time when our time is finite.

Black and White: The Dress Tests

Your Little Black Dress Says You’re Quirky

You are lively and outgoing. You are naturally friendly.

You enjoy meeting new people and making new connections.

Your style is whimsical and unique. You’re good at putting together interesting outfits.

If you were a shoe, you would be: High heeled boots

Your Dress Says You’re Classically Stylish

Your Personal Style:

Modern and simple. You like clothes to accentuate who you are, not overwhelm you.

Your Ideal Wedding:

A small ceremony at an old church with a beautiful flower garden

Your Philosophy on Marriage:

You can have a deep commitment without marriage. It’s only a piece of paper.

Your Perfect Marriage:

Simply loving each other a little more every day

An Ode to Women Over 40

Found this on Craigslist today. The comment about men at the end made me laugh. Maybe it’s something he read somewhere else but it’s the first time I’ve seen it. No doubt it will become a classic, just as the reverse has. 🙂

As I grow in age, I value women who are over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 40 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. They always know.

A woman over 40 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest. You don’t ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, for every stunning, smart, well-coifed hot woman of 40+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 18-year-old waitress.

Ladies, I apologize for all those men who say, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free.” Here’s an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why? Because women realize it’s not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a little sausage.

The Most Intimate Space

What to babble about… what to babble about… So many choices; so many really dorky thoughts.

I smell strawberry jam tonight. It’s interesting cause there isn’t any strawberry jam here. It smells as if we were making it and have all the shiny red jars setting out on the counter to cool. We don’t. The real smell I’ve been smelling all day (each time I step outside) is pig manure. One of the farms around here had it very fresh a few days ago and it still hasn’t faded enough. Though if you’ve ever smelled pig manure you know the aroma can’t ever fade enough. It does make you have more thoughts about the whole bacon issue. Depending on just how cruel and mad scientist you are.

There are things I could babble about. We had a houseguest who says he never used the upstairs bathroom and shower and yet – the toilet flooded when we came home last night. I was the one standing there in horror and suspense watching the water rise and hoping it didn’t pour out. It came really close, another inch and it would have been on the floor. I wouldn’t have liked cleaning that at quarter to midnight when I was so tired I was ready to be zombified. Luckily I was spared. But we did try to fix it ourselves today and still ended up having a plumber come out and fix it and charge $80.

Of course said house guest maintains his choirboy-ness. My Mom thinks I’m just being suspicious and not-very-nice but I think he did it deliberately. He wasn’t a thoughtful guest. He ate two servings of the dinner before we even started dinner. He didn’t bring out his plate and silverware to be washed. Even the 10 year old boy had better manners. (My adorable nephew). He left the blow up bed with the sheets still rumpled however they were when he got up in the morning. He used the shower we told him not to use because it doesn’t work well and the taps don’t shut off. (We were away four days -that’s a lot of hot water pouring down the drain).

Anyway, I think he got pissy becuase he is nosy and didn’t like that I locked my bedroom door all the time he was here. I locked it again when we left that morning so he never got in to snoop around. Jerk! Why do people want to snoop? I never do that when I go to someone’s house. My ex used to think it would be interesting to break into someone’s house and look through their drawers, closets and so on. I never even had the idea to do that. It’s just not something I would do.

It’s enough that I didn’t tell him to get lost when he asked me leading questions or made comments about things in my past (like my marriage, my Witchery and my ex and so on). I just don’t think it was any of his business. I’ve only met him once before and didn’t feel really close to him, or feel much liking for him. He likes to keep notes and corellated files on everyone. It likely did bug him that I restricted access to my most private and intimate space. But, bug off, no guy should feel he has the right to enter a woman’s bedroom without an invitation.

So, I thought I wouldn’t blab about all of that but I did. After all I can tell you whatever I want. I could tell you I just got back from a trip to Mars and for all you know I did!

Add some Sugar to your life,
You don’t need to be alone.
Successful men and women deserve companionship,
while many young persons need help
with their education or career,
or simply with life.

Are you a young woman thinking of a trial marriage?
Are you a generous well-to-do gentlemen or lady seeking companionship?
Have you considered adopting a Sugar …
or even a contract marriage?

A sugar marriage? I’m not young enough or rich enough. Yet, I came across this site and I had to look. If you were young enough or rich enough, would you do it? I might. I’d be tempted, especially if I was on the young enough side.

Astrology Match


“Laura, the best Zodiac Match for your personality is Virgo

Virgo, the Virgin (August 23 to September 23): This intelligent and diligent partner is just your type. Initially, a Virgo may catch your eye with their put-together look and attention to the details of your courtship. But as you get to know them better, you’re even more likely to be drawn to your Virgo’s strong convictions and practical nature. People born under this sign are typically very good with money and tend to be conservative overall when it comes to risk. In fact, most Virgos have a discerning nature that can make them seem a bit critical at times. However, they’re also almost always open to discussing the emotional side of any matter in a relationship. In the bedroom, you’ll likely find the Virgin both reserved and cautious, especially when your relationship first becomes sexual. Overall, Virgos are typically highly loyal partners and firm believers in marriage.

Last time I did this, about a year ago, my best match was Gemini (my brother’s sign). I’ve gotten to know a few Virgo men. They are kind of complicated and reserved types. I’ve gotten along with them but I don’t know if I could live with them, over many years, in and out of bed, etc. There has to be some adventure. A relationship (for me anyway) should be more blood than water.

No offense to Virgo men. You do make the best friends! I love a conversation with a good mind and once Virgo’s open up a bit they are awesome for a midnight chat about life the universe and everything.