The Alien at 50

In our culture it is very alienating to be 50. That age where it hits you that you may not even be middle aged now. Being young, from childhood to somewhere in the 30’s was such a different perspective. I didn’t see it then but I can see it now. Being in my 40’s was (so far) the best time of life for me. I felt ok and even good sometimes. I felt I was ok with myself.

Then, among the years I should have been 40-something, 50 hit me. It came down hard and clouded everything. Even when I could have been happy being 40-something that 50 hung over me, hovering like my personal rain cloud of doom.

In younger years I had read about actresses and such who said there were no roles for older women. I thought little of it. I could see older women in TV shows, movies, commercials, etc. Likely they were in theatre too if I cared to look.

But, the actresses said it wrong. It’s not that there aren’t roles for older women. It’s that there are so MANY roles for younger women, younger people.

Our culture is based on youth. Not just being young and looking it, but the parts of life which come in those younger years (traditionally): going to school, dating, marrying and having children. When I watch anything on TV now I am swarmed with the feeling of how much I don’t belong. How far I am past those parts of life. I don’t want to go back. I just want to be ok with where I am. But, it’s hard.

It’s hard to feel ok with being older when it seems we don’t exist, are expected to keep to ourselves and not be seen or heard. Unless it’s something to do with spending money like buying insurance, buying sedate vacations, buying pee pads (not for your period, whether you still get it or not).

I feel alienated in my own world. I don’t see where I fit in. I can talk to the younger generations. I don’t know their particulars any more: the music, the actors, etc. But, those are just entertainment. I know about life, having come through those younger years. But all my experience and knowledge is tainted by how younger people see me. I’m old. I don’t know the entertainment stuff so I’m relegated to being outdated, out of place and I don’t really understand how things are today.

Odd, but things aren’t all that different. People are born, go to school, try to get along in the world, get married, have babies (or not) and then…. it’s the long stretch of being there, but not getting in the way, until you’re finally as old as you feel.

I don’t feel old. I feel like me. I feel almost the same as I did when I was twenty. But, those are memories and I know that. No wonder we tend to look at the past more as we fall into the future where we don’t fit in and don’t have a place. In the past we had a place and the world was about us.

Now I’m an alien. Just because I’m 50.

If it weren’t for the perception of others (and my own awareness of time limits) I could believe I’m twenty. Young people expect being older to feel so different. It’s not. It’s almost exactly the same as feeling twenty. But, I look at those who are twenty and I can see a difference then. There is a shiny new-ness, an extra bounce and they’re just a bit quicker to laugh.

So maybe we do become an alien as we get older. Where is the mothership then? I’d like to find the other aliens and feel I belong again. I don’t like this feeling of being isolated among all the people I see every day.

The other thing I don’t like to think about is to look past myself and see those older than I am. Right now I may not feel I belong and I may feel like an alien… they look more alien. I worry about how I will still feel like myself when I start to look even less like myself and more alien to who I think I am.

Where is that mothership…?

Miss World Canada Lying Down on the Job

miss world canada

This was posted to the Facebook page for Miss World Canada. What do you think? Is this sort of pose ok, really? Why is Miss World Canada lying down on the job? What is she selling? Why does a young woman pose like this outside of car, lingerie and adult sex media?

Women and Friendly Fire

I was watching a US TV show, Bones. The episode was about war heros, men in the war and the afterwards, the after care and how they are not understood or respected for what they went through.

My mind went to women who have been through an attack or stalking and other violence and victimization. We aren’t given much respect, understanding either.

Also, we go through it all alone. We are alone when attacked, no team has our backs, no group of soldiers. Mostly by our own choice because we don’t feel chatty about it all either. So many of the same emotions but so much difference in how people react and how women are misunderstood, blamed and treated afterwards.

Women don’t think to be proud of having survived being preyed on the way soldiers are told to be proud they served their country.

The question is – what do women serve , other than being a survivor, what is there for them to be proud of? Should we think we serve men by being abused? Is that what we can be proud of, like a soldier?

Ironic that the TV show I was watching ended up being about the death and cover up of a soldier killed by friendly fire. Is that how women should look at it? Attack or death by friendly fire? It doesn’t seem friendly to me.

Stop Preying on Women

I’m almost 50 and I don’t care about looking youthful. I feel good and that is what matters. I also look good and the few lines around my eyes don’t bother me one bit. Stop preying on women and making us feel we have to look twenty until we die. I look like a woman who has been alive awhile, not some store mannequin.

bodyshopcapture

Godzilla Knows I Could Write for SheKnows

My sister-in-law, Miss Karol, sent me the link to write for SheKnows . I think they are looking for the domestic Goddess, Mother blogger types. But, I sent in a note anyway. I’m working on the ‘what can it hurt’ theory.

This is what I sent (image not included):
Godzilla - gojira

Tonight I’m listening to Godzilla roar and knock over most of Tokyo (via Roku) while I change WordPress themes. I’m craving a really good, juicy steak or possibly a rich, gooey chocolate cake. I’m almost 50 (December) and I’m trying to lose weight. It’s not easy. But, divorce wasn’t easy. Not having children when I thought I’d have at least 5 of them at one point, was not easy. Looking forward to menopause is not easy – but sometimes I do look forward to it.

I’d like to write for SheKnows because I like to try new things. Also, I’d like to see more women my age, my weight and spinster-like, have a voice. I know I’m not the only woman my age online. Yet most of the blogs and sites I read seem to be written by women who are forever 20-something with high heels and small, adorable children.

That’s 148 words so I will skip right to the links and writing background.

These are my own sites – in various stages of revamping and repair:



http://onlineroadtrip.com
There are more but these four are in better shape. Especially as I have just been ripping up my themes and sidebar clutter tonight.

I have written for other networks, most of which are gone now. I currently write for Squidoo and HubPages (off and on). You can find links to these accounts and my social media in the top navigation bar on my sites. Also, on Word Grrls the About page has details about sites I have written for in my earlier days online (1996 to now).

My name is Laura Brown and I Am Canadian! (I love that video on YouTube). My email is [email protected] or Twitter me @thatgrrl. My phone is not mobile – 705 797 0387 but it is very obedient.

Thanks for reading!

Laura

I really was watching Godzilla tonight too. It gave me the idea for a post which I wrote on Word Grrls.