Is it Easy to Forgive and Forget?

You need to have a reason to forgive someone before you can start to change your feelings, to forgive them. It doesn’t happen just because someone asks to be forgiven. Sometimes just wanting to keep someone in your life in even a small way, is motivation to begin to forgive them. But, a relationship based on one person constantly forgiving someone just to keep them around is a really poor relationship to be in.

I don’t think anyone should be pressured to forgive. Some actions taken and words spoken can not ever be undone or forgotten. I’m careful about giving forgiveness I don’t genuinely feel. In this way I have also become someone who does forgive easily. Maybe that seems backwards but not every least thing is worth hanging onto. We are human, we make mistakes and some of them are pretty small and stupid. If you are going to hang onto hurt feelings it should be over something that actually matters. Not a case of holding onto your feelings because you are bitter but a case of not being able to get over your feelings because they just run too deeply and the hurt reaches into your heart and soul.

Forgiveness isn’t a one way street. The person has to ask to be forgiven, show some remorse/ regret, before the relationship can begin to change.

Some people don’t ask. They feel guilty or think they didn’t really do anything wrong or just aren’t interested in what the aftermath of their actions/ words will be. People think asking for forgiveness is too hard. They would have to make some effort, put themselves at risk, and possibly face rejection. However, how can anyone think to be forgiven if they take no steps at all to make amends?

It’s hard to feel you are the only person in the relationship, the only one trying to make it work. In the end, that just doesn’t work. I don’t think you ever really can forgive someone who doesn’t place value on being forgiven by you. I don’t mean they need to grovel or beg, nothing drastic or dramatic. I do mean, they should at least want to be forgiven and communicate that in some way. (Communication also being a two way street – it has to be given and understood).

They say it is easier to be the one who is doing the forgiving than to be the one asking for forgiveness. I don’t agree. It is much harder to be hurt and then heal from it. The person who hurt you may not care or may not know the extent of the hurt given and become annoyed because you don’t just let it go. I don’t think we should just let go of everything. There should be standards for living just as there are building codes in construction. Having a guide to the standards is what gives buildings their structure, keeps them from being unsafe. It should be the same in personal relationships. No one should be expected to forgive and if we can’t fully forgive that should not be made light of or used to make us feel guilty or less of a person.

Nine Steps to Forgiveness

  1. Know exactly how you feel about what happened.
  2. Make a commitment to yourself to do what you have to do to feel better.
  3. Forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciliation with the person that hurt you, or condoning of their action.
  4. Get the right perspective on what is happening.
  5. At the moment you feel upset practice a simple stress management technique.
  6. Give up expecting things from other people, or your life, that they do not choose to give you.
  7. Put your energy into looking for another way to get your positive goals met.
  8. Remember that a life well lived is your best revenge.
  9. Amend your grievance story to remind you of the heroic choice to forgive.

Read the full list on Forgive for Good . (This is an edited bare bones version, the site has a lot more).

Thoughts About Forgiveness

“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.” – Oscar Wilde

“When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.” – Catherine Ponder

“You can’t undo anything you’ve already done, but you can face up to it. You can tell the truth. You can seek forgiveness. And then let God do the rest.” – unknown

“It’s easier to ask forgiveness than it is to get permission.” – Grace Hopper

“Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.” – Paul Boese

“Life is an adventure in forgiveness.” – Norman Cousins

“What we forgive too freely doesn’t stay forgiven.” – Mignon McLaughlin

“Without forgiveness life is governed by… an endless cycle of resentment and retaliation.” – Roberto Assagioli

Middle Name Meme

From Laura at the Lunatic Fringe , the Middle Name Meme:

You must post the rules before you give your answers.

List one fact about yourself for each letter of your middle name. Each fact must begin with that letter. If you don’t have a middle name, just use your maiden name.

At the end of your post, you need to tag one person for each letter of your middle name.

D- Driving. I miss driving. Mainly getting to and from work or being able to get out when I have a day off. Taking the bus and taxis is not comparable. I also am frustrated cause now that I have the new camera I am stuck at home, no change to get out and take photos of more abandoned places. I really wanted to do some of them with the snow too.

E- Exploring. I love looking at old and abandoned buildings. I always have. They call it urban and rural exploring. I’ve been reading a little about architecture and buildings to learn more of the correct terms for parts of buildings and how they work together to make the whole.

E- Escape. I find at this time in my life I want to avoid any further responsibility, expectations and all that sort of thing. I want to have room to grow, make choices and do things my way.

I pass this along to the usual bloggers and those who just want to share their middle name with the world, you know who you are.

For BlogTO

blogto


I emailed about writing for BlogTO and they emailed back, interested. They asked what sort of posts I would contribute to the site. I could have come up with more but this is the reply I sent this afternoon. Posting it here just to amuse you.

I have a lot of interests in art, history and culture. I have been taking photos of abandoned farmhouses but I really like old buildings in general. I’m looking forward to getting pictures of old buildings in Toronto, derelict, run down or not. Union Station is high on my list. I have some of the photos I have done on Flickr. /photos/thatgrrl/ Most urban explorers want to get inside tunnels and such but I prefer the outside of the building. Besides, it is too dangerous to go into ruined farmhouses where the floor has partially caved in.

I have been looking at local (Toronto) groups for my personal interests, as well as the urban explorations groups I have found groups for postcard collectors, crochet and crafters, illustrators and others which I can’t think of right now. I’m also interested in women in small or home businesses. I attempted to begin one myself last year but plans fell through, mainly a money thing. I like history, inventive and odd art forms. I’m not into music other than whatever comes on the radio. I really like small publishing. I attended CanZine in October even though I arrived far too early. (I thought it would take me a lot longer to get there).

Other than that I don’t know what will come along. I’m not a heavy duty planner. I am writing a bit about technology and creativity for LockerGnome. I have a personal blog which is more like a scrapbook of junk with scattered journal posts. I like to meet people and hope to get out doing something each week. I’m job hunting right now so it has to be freebie events for now. :) I enjoy cultural events and now that I am down here I will find more along the lines of the German Xmas thing which I know is coming up soon.

Hope I fit in somewhere. I would really like to be a part of BlogTO. It would be a great way for me to get to know the city and not let myself be too shy about getting out socially. I can blab with anyone but at times I am a bookworm at heart.

Urban Nature

Urban Nature

Photoblog and Flickr group for images of nature in an urban context. Not quite urban exploration but a lot of UE people will find plants and nature sticking up through the derelict buildings, abandonded homes and assorted other ruins.

I joined the group on Flickr. The photos are great.

Wallpaper, Off the Wall

There are lots of other sites offering free wallpaper and screensavers but none are as much fun to browse as Webshots . On the freebie side you can pick 5 pictures each day, that’s plenty! I have photographs of flowers, holiday scenes, abandoned buildings, quilt squares, etc. Search for whatever comes to mind.

I’m sending the link to Webshots to my Mom. She noticed my wallpaper and asked how I got it and how I made it change automatically.